I recently had an out of body experience.  Not the good kind where you float around in light and suddenly know that God exists and Grandma is waiting and next week’s winning lotto numbers are revealed and then you return to your body surrounded by anxious, loving people who want you to live, dammit, live.

No, this was more along the lines of my head spinning round and round and when it stopped, I was possessed by the demon called Needy Girlfriend.  Even worse: I became the Needy WANNABE Girlfriend.

It was ugly.  It was compulsive.  It was not me.

Except, oh god, it was.

At the age of thirty-six, I should be firmly over this.  Especially since I only have one recollection of ever doing this before.  So with this in mind, I am trying to rise up from my embarassment and learn a little sumin’ sumin’ from this (almost) novel experience.

Here’s what I think: If you are suddenly overwhelmed by anxiety, the urge to connect repeatedly **sigh, Kelly Diels, I am talking to you** and a desperate need to hear that you’re not living in this scary, vulnerable place all by yourself, then something is going on.

First, your needs are not being met.  Ultimately, no one is responsible for meeting your needs except you; but if you’re in a relationship or heading in that direction, you should be able to say ‘hey, I’m feeling xxx so I need yyy from you.’  And this should be reasonable – to both of you.

If this is not reasonable, or if your love makes you feel petty for asking, then that is a Very Bad Sign.  You shouldn’t be in a relationship where you batten down the hatches on your needs and hope that your partner will accidentally on purpose discover what they are and stumble into meeting them.  Give the guy – or girl – a treasure map.  Please and thank you.

Second, let’s return to the big, bad point that something is going on.

I’m all for working things out and not abandoning ship prematurely.  I usually err on the side of allowing my partner a chance to really, truly fuck up, so I can walk away with no regrets or wondering if I really gave it my all.

[Okay, that might not be the healthiest advice.  Feel free to disregard that.]

Back to my point.  Something is going on.  I think the question to ask – beyond the obvious, WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON?? – is can I fix it?

As in: is it me?  Is the thing that is bothering me, about me?  Is it mine to fix?

If you are scared of intimacy or being abandoned or you’ve got any other ISSUES (baby, we all do), then that’s you.  You’re scared because of you, and nothing your partner says will fix it, and ultimately you have to find your own solution.  And stop calling him/her already (KELLY!!!!!!!).

But maybe it isn’t you.  Maybe you’re freaking out because of something the other person is doing and there is no fix to that.  You can’t fix that.  You really, really don’t want to try to fix that, because it is imfuckingpossible.  You can alert the person to their transgressions (that is always appreciated hahahahahaha); you can get real clear about what your standards are and what you will and will not accept (this is mostly a conversation you have with yourself); and then you let it be.

Just let it be.  Be clear (with yourself) about what you need; what you will and will not accept; and just let the other person show up. Or not.  The craziness drives you more crazy than anyone else, and really, who the hell needs that?