Sunday dinner. Roast beef, mashed potatoes, my parents. (My parents are not in fact on the menu.) My children are ecstatic. POTATOES, people! We don’t ever eat potatoes at home because they’re a nutrition-free, tasteless waste of time and calories. Also, I just don’t like ‘em so I don’t cook ‘em. In short, in the deprived eyes (and stomachs) of my kidlets: mashed-potato-making Grandma is the bomb.
So Grandma handles the dinner and Grandpa, the dinner music. I hear a lot of the old standards – The Beatles, Santana, Van Morrison - and then I catch something new. Surprised, I ask, “Is this Maroon 5? When did you start listening to Maroon 5?”. A few minutes later there’s more surprise. Distinctive twanging. Country.
Country?!
“Why are we listening to country?” Now I’m surprised and concerned.
“It’s your dad’s new favourite song,” explains my mother.
1. The doorbell rings at midnight and although burglars and mass murderers probably select other modes of late-night entry, I’m terrified. I peek through the blinds and can’t quite grasp what I’m seeing. My loverloverman, who should be working 2,700 gazillion million miles away in the Yukon, is not in the Yukon. He’s at the door.
I can’t even describe to you my reaction because it’s a blur. And the next few days are a gorgeous haze, too.
But there are some moments that are crystalline in their clarity. He finds songs for me – us – to listen to. They all have messages. A Paul Anka tune he starts singing in the shower and then plays for me when he gets out makes me cry.
God bless Youtube and towel-clad sentimental men.
2. Later, he plays me…some country. My R&B, soul-loving, house-listening, city-loving Trinidadian listens to country music? Since when? I’m having a tower-made-of-mashed-potatoes moment. Clearly he’s been body-snatched.
“The guys up there listen to a lot of country. This one’s pretty good. Listen to the lyrics,” he tells me.
But I’m occupied by the video. “There’s a black man in a country video! OMG, there’s TWO BLACK MEN! And ONE IS RAPPING! What kind of country music is this?!”
It’s Colt Ford featuring Nappy Roots (I couldn’t make this stuff up) and Nic Cowan and it’s not too bad. The lyrics are in fact pretty sweet. And if we ever live on a beach, we’re absolutely building a slide rather than a dock. If you build it, they will come.
———
Two is a coincidence, three is a trend, yes? This week I posted some Shania Twain on Facebook. ‘Cuz that’s how drunk in love I am. We’re having close encounters of the country kind.
——————
And this disconcerting trend towards country means I feel the need to round out my playlist and cultural influences. For that, I turn to my good friend Stephen Kelly. Ten years ago Mr. Kelly made my acquaintance by mercilessly harassing the DJ at The Nepal in Hsin-Chu, Taiwan into playing and dedicating “Oops I Did It Again” to me.
Obviously he has impeccable taste, recognized my essence and as such we were meant to be forever friends. Even more obviously, I’ve dubbed him my Culture/Entertainment Stylist. Here are his recent recommendations:
Breakfast at John’s Place in Victoria, BC. Stephen ate there every day he was in Victoria. (But really, this was my pick. It was my fave joint when I lived in that hood. I’d rather go to John’s for breakfast than anywhere for dinner. They have warmed cream cheese syrup.)
Film
Atom Egoyan’s Adoration. Mr. Kelly was knocked out by Scott Speedman, whom I only know from Felicity. That being said, I personally highly recommend Exotica, also by Atom Egoyan.
Paloma Faith. Whoa. Her album is calledDo You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful and my answer is YES. Her voice, her aesthetic, her vibe, the car in Desire (oh god, I want it), the song New York, her live performances, her duet with Cee Lo…ADORE. I now have an overwhelming urge to wear strapless cocktail dresses during the day. Grocery shopping. Bowling. Everywhere.
It will happen. Trust.
And, finally, my favourite, Teenage Dirtbag as covered by The Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain. I dare you not to love it. IMPOSSIBLE.
Practiced isn’t false. Rehearsed isn’t inauthentic. Preparation is a peace-building gift to yourself and to others.
(And so is style. A friend of mine, remarking upon a mutual acquaintance who is sartorially splendid – her undeniably modern yet dandy-inspired ensembles are detailed and dapper - said: “Her style makes you feel special. Like, all of that is for me?!”)
That’s why canned speeches are like canned peaches: delicious.
Except no one needs canned peaches.
But we all need canned speeches. For business, elevators, interviews, first impressions, cocktail parties, first dates…
…and even predictably and potentially awkward conversations with intimates.
And having a practiced patter doesn’t mean you’re inauthentic. Instead, it means you’re ready to give good convo. It means you’re able to turn potentially fraught interactions into amusing and often surprising connections. It means you invite connection.
To wit, an example. A deeply personal one.
After a failed attempt to see The Help (sold out, alas) my generous mama mediated my disappointment by treating me, my house-guest and my sister for drinks. They ordered margaritas while I pondered my pregnancy-induced deprivation. I wanted alcohol. I wanted something festive adorned with a tiny paper umbrella and a sense of occasion. I may have said so (I don’t ponder deprivation with a lot of discretion) whilst resentfully muttering “I’ll probably have to have a Shirley Temple.”
And so, when the waitress took our order, I asked for her advice. I said, “I can’t have any alcohol, but I want a fancy-schmancy fun and frivolous drink. What do you recommend?”
She paused, then offered, hesitantly, “Maybe a Shirley Temple?”
I had a Shirley Temple.
There was no little stick with a cherry, no umbrella, no bedazzled orange peels. It was loudly disappointing. Or maybe that was me being loudly disappointed.
I digress.
Confession 1: I have a raw spot about being pregnant and unmarried. Not because it conflicts with my moral values or I’m disappointed that my loverloverman hasn’t offered up an entirely unromantic shotgun wedding, but because I’m continually anticipating judgement.
Confession 2: I have an even rawer spot about the imminent prospect of having three children with two different men. The unmarried thing compounds it. I feel quite exposed.
So, my darlings, do you sense a potential flashpoint?
Back to drinks. We’re talking about my girls, the baby, baby names. My sister noted that the children will have to go to different schools because, based on their paternity, my girls have a Charter right to an education in French and therefore attend a Francophone school. The new baby’s papa is not Francophone so he’ll not be allowed to attend the same school.
I hadn’t thought about that. My sister was right. She was observing reality. She was utterly inoffensive in intent and delivery, and I wasn’t put out at all. But my raw spots tingled – not from injury. From contact. As the kids these days say, that’s my shit.
And then my mom, in an equally utterly inoffensive way, noted that all of my children will have different last names. Again true, and by choice – my first two daughters have the same daddy and we deliberately chose to give them similar but different surnames. But when you add baby #3 with a third surname fathered by a different man to whom I am not married…
…and…
Raw spot. Contact. Ouch.
Confession #3: In my younger, more tempestuous days, like last month, I would have taken this observation as not a slight but a grievous injury complete with malicious intent. And I would have reared up like a wounded bear and used my fearsome claws, which is to say my words, to carve something irreversibly damaging into the psyche of my mother who intended and offered no harm.
But.
I recently read a Salon piece about a married couple, Cecilia Jethe and Christopher Ryan, who co-authored Sex at Dawn, a book examining monogamy via anthropology – and reframing some evolutionary theories of sexuality along the way, hallelujah [1] - and was struck by their sensibility. Clearly, once the book was published, they’d be doing media interviews. Obviously, since they are married and writing about monogamy, they would be asked about their own marriage. It only made sense to be prepared. So they prepared an answer that was both informative and unsalacious: “Our relationship is informed by our research.”
Brilliant. Boundary-setting. Marriage is sacred and the details of their intimate lives are theirs to share, if they care to. Or care not to.
Imagine though, if they hadn’t prepared an answer and just hoped no one would articulate the question we’re all thinking and wondering. They would have been unsurprisingly surprised and perhaps even rawly offended when the question inevitably came up, over and over again. The interviews would have been a trial. The answers would have been worse. They could have come off as prickly and reactive.
Possibly I know a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ about prickly and reactive and raw.
Instead, I quipped, “I like to err on the side of trashy.” And I laughed, for real.
And so did everyone else.
And no fragile egos were flayed in the making of a delightful evening.
———-
1. Yo, God Bless Darwin. Yay, evolution. However evolutionary psychology, in my extravagant opinion, is more often used to justify contemporary and hind-sightedly hierarchical gender relations than explain anything and can kiss my fat ‘n fabulous ass.
2. You don’t have to be promoting a book or a business to prepare artful, amusing and invitational responses to predictable inquiries. Having ready answers doesn’t mean you’re a great, big phony. It means you’re prepared not to be a skinless aggressor/defender who attacks and alienates the people you love.
3. Elevator Speech tip #1: Get one. You’re not self-aggrandizing, you’re giving people an opportunity to understand you. And, done heartfully and artfully, you’re also creating an invitation to meaningful conversation. You’re givomg someone an opportunity to ask questions and really connect.
4. Elevator Speech tip#2: Thanks to a tip from my magnificent friend Astarte Sands I regularly recommend the Wow, How, Now approach to my Red Shoe Bloggers. Watch it and work it – because it does work. Beautifully.
In the airport, a beautiful man eyeballs me. He’s tall, broad-shouldered, blonde, with a weathered, tanned visage. The sharp planes of his face are softened by dimples. Everything about him suggests he has mischievious eyes. I’d know if I made eye contact.
If this was a Harlequin moment, I’d be the shy city girl entranced by his rugged, rural masculinity. But this is not a scene from a romance novel and no one would ever accuse me of being shy. Still, I’m avoiding his eyes.
He’s wearing what appears to be an Ed Hardy t-shirt, tucked in (!) to jeans belted high and tight by an oversized, ornate, mixed-metal belt buckle screaming “rodeo champ”. The two-tone silver and gold echoes the metallic tattoo print on his honey-coloured shirt which in turn matches his caramel-coloured cowboy boots.
I sift through the sands of memory for the last time I saw a man in cowboy boots with surprise realize it’s an annual occurence. Each year there’s a rodeo weekend near my home and although the event has a history of real wrangling, now it’s mainly an excuse for suburban hoochies to publicly parade in daisy dukes, bikinis, and pristine pink cowboy boots. There are real cowboy and cowgirls, though, with boots made for more than walking the walk of shame. I think. Maybe. I don’t know for certain because I rarely go to rodeo weekend.
And so although this man is handsome, all I can think is, I can’t even talk to you with that belt and those boots.
***
I’m not wearing boots. I’m wearing a wide-skirted, small-waisted dress and four-inch espradilles with ribbons that tie around my ankles. I’m looking pretty because I’m on my way to see my sweetie, who’s making a drastic and dramatic career change. He’s in Smithers, a northern mountain town, training his scissor hands – for twenty years, he’s been a hair stylist – to drill. I’m writing travel pieces. So I’m travelling. To Smithers, BC. To see him.
He called me the moment he arrived. From the tarmac. “It’s incredible,” he tells me. “The mountain is right here and it’s amazing. Beautiful. You won’t believe it,” he says. “There’s snow on the mountain but the sun is shining.”
It’s April and officially spring. “The snow is gone,” my man later promises. He’s been walking around in a t-shirt and hoodie and so yes, dresses and heels will be just fine. And so I’m on my way, to see my man and this mountain and this mountain town.
***
In the surprisingly long security line, a warm-eyed Aboriginal man turns around. He smiles at me. “Can you believe this?” he asks. He’s wearing cowboy boots. My western wear count has gone from an annual to a bi-hourly event. He’s going to Smithers. So am I. “Maybe we’ll be sitting together,” he says with another smile.
We do not sit together. Instead, I sit beside Sharon. Her hair is the exact shade that my hairstylist aka my city-man-turned-mountain-man was planning to colour mine: a very dark red-brown with a platinum peekaboo streak. Sharon’s 38. I’m 38. She has two girls. So do I. She’s passionate about art, music, culture. And Smithers. A long-time resident, she knows it and its people well. She even knows that the pilot and co-pilot of our plane are father and son. Although Air Canada, a larger commercial airline, also flies into Smithers, Sharon tells me she prefers Hawkair because its pilots are experienced locals who’ve been flying into this airport – which has mountains between 5400-9500 feet high within five nautical miles of the landing strip, making for exceptionally tricky night landings – for years and years.
Sharon landed in Smithers more than a decade ago. After university, she followed her then-fiance/future-husband here and although they’ve since separated, she wouldn’t be anywhere else. She plays bass, and there’s a vibrant music scene, and kids can safely walk to school. Her kids can safely walk anywhere. And as we’re about to (safely) walk off the plane, she tells me she’d be happy to drive me to my hotel. No taxi necessary.
I get off the plane and am stunned. Contrary to my man’s mythologizing, there’s no mountain – or, if Hudson Bay Mountain does exist, it’s cloaked in the thick cloud and snowstorm choking the tarmac and the valley. So although I’m not sure there’s a mountain, I am sure there’s no coat. That dude – my dude – with the misleading weather report will have to surrender his jacket.
And I might have to buy boots.
***
In the meantime, I wear running shoes, let down the hem of my artfully-cuffed capris, and filch a pair of socks from my man. This will have to do as spring-masquerading-as-winter wear.
I walk to the coffee shop and on the way stop at a work-wear shop. I’m shocked. The rubber boots are cute. Not cute enough to buy, and not as cute as my lonely and staggeringly high shoes cooling their heels at the hotel, but cute.
Later, I’m at the hospital. I’d like to blame the sneakers although of course the problem lies more with the operator than the equipment. For four hours I sit in a waiting room the size of a hot tub. I can’t bear to look at the faces of people around me. We’re too close to each other. We’re all in too much pain. Eye contact seems an unwelcome intimacy when we’re all craving anonymity…and to be elsewhere. I don’t imagine anyone in any community aims to spend a day or a night here.
A woman sits beside me and her two kids climb onto her lap. They’re wearing fleece pants and candy-coloured gumboots. She’s wearing inky jeans over pointed boots that are almost but not quite cowboy boots. Maybe they’re Frye boots. They’re beat up all to hell. They look heavenly.
The doctor who treats me is wearing battered boots, too. She’s got a tight grey sweater, dark jeans and grey boots. Round-toes. Scratched, scuffed, fabulous.
A nurse asks me why I’m here, and grins approvingly when I tell her I’m writing about Smithers. She’s been here for two months and she loves it. There’s so much to do that she hasn’t had a chance to do most of it.
As I listen to her extol the virtues of her new-found home, I realize that Smithers isn’t a town, it’s a religion. Its people (even those new to the faith) are evangelists.
What Sharon lovingly preached on the plane is echoed by my newfound medical team and soon to be passionately repeated by almost everyone I talk to – both those born into it and converts, alike.
***
Caroline Marko, I’m told by more than one person, is a “colourful character”. She’s tiny in stature but huge in presence. Her wild red curls and logging-camp language charmingly cluttered with curse words contrasts with her vaguely European accent and the classic couture training she received from her family in Sweden. She comes from a line of tailors, she explains, and that’s what brought about her boutique, Salt. (“Why Salt?” I ask. “Because I’m not sweet,” she replies.) Obviously yet inexplicably, Salt is stocked with gourmet sea salts, a custom bicycle…and a collection of unique, finely-crafted clothes and jewelry that seems more curated than sourced.
But business is not what brought her to Smithers. That she blames on alcohol, Mexico, a man, and her mother’s ultimatum.
And an “appalling” outfit: a boob tube, platform sneakers – “it was the back in Spice Girls days” – and way-too-big men’s shorts she bought at a street market while backpacking around Cabo San Lucas. “I was wearing jeans,” she explains, “but it was way too hot and I was way too drunk. And so I bought and wore those shorts.”
It was in this still cringe-inducing ensemble that she met “a really hot Canadian guy”. After spending only a day together, they said goodbye and returned to their repective countries…only to say hello over and over again with more than $800 worth of long distance calls. When her mother got the bill, she told Caroline: “You have two options. You’re either going to pay this bill or you’re going to use that money to go to Canada and see this man.”
Fourteen years, two kids and one business later, Caroline reports that her husband “still owes my mother a thank-you gift.” It’s a delightful, wild ride of a love-story, but that’s fitting: Caroline is a roller-coaster, personified. She gives me this interview while simultaneously making time for a few words with fellow local business owner (C.O.B.’s Dave Percy, the builder of the bike in Salt’s window and who, along with Caroline, has me thinking that Smither’s stock of business-owners is disproportionately young, fit, and fine), charming clients, and having a stern yet sweet talk with an employee who inadvertently allowed a heavily made-up friend to stain a delicate silk dress.
And regretting her current outfit: a fitted, white cotton t-shirt, even more fitted olive green cargo pants, and glossy, knee-high, equestrian-style boots I instantly covet. “I look a mess,” she says. “You don’t look a mess,” I answer. “You look magnificent.”
She is magnificent. And so is the next dynamic young entrepreneur I meet.
***
Along with his wife, Joscelyn (“in all honesty, she runs the store”, he confesses) Jason Krauskopf owns Rayz Boardshop, a seasonal boat rental/waterskiing company, and a recently-completed rental guest house called Stonesthrow. When I meet up with him there, he’s sitting on the leather sofa in his sock-feet.
Jason grew up in Smithers and went to university in Prince George. While he was there, he decided he wanted to create a particular lifestyle – built around outdoor pursuits like snowboarding, skateboarding, water-skiing, and fishing – and knew Smithers was the place to do it. But in order to do that, he also knew he’d need to invent an occupation. And so, before he’d even graduated, he was negotiating to fund and buy Rayz Boardshop. His plan was to design a business around the life he wanted to live in small-town Smithers.
And that, he explains, “is not uncommon”. Jason knows several people his age with similar stories. While most small towns in northern BC are battling “brain drain” with more young people exiting than entering, Smithers is gaining newcomers and retaining its younger generation. It’s such a significant and counterintuitive phenomena that the Smithers District Chamber of Commerce and the Town of Smithers Economic Development Committee chronicled it with a book project called “The Kids Came Back”.
So Smithers retained Jason Krauskopf and gained his friend Mark Gillis. Jason and Mark met at university in Prince George, and after graduating and travelling the world, Mark moved to Smithers with his wife. He worked in forestry while starting a hobby brewery that rapidly became more than a hobby. Plan B Brewing now a full-time business. And, Jason testifies, it’s really good beer. Jason shows me an empty bottle – the label art is terrific – and tells me that I really should talk to Mark. And then he drives me right to him.
***
The Plan B brewery isn’t open for business today, but a peek through the artfully crafted window bars reveals there’s business being done, and so, emboldened by Jason’s prodding and presence, I walk right in. There’s a polished concrete bar, leather sofa, fabulous art, fridges full of beer, an open “kitchen” consisting of stainless steel barrels and gleaming tubes and taps, and Mark Gillis in the middle of it all in an apron and rubber rain boots. It’s Tuesday. He’s brewing.
Like Jason, Mark grew up locally (he’s originally from Vanderhoof). Like Sharon, Caroline and Jason, Mark tells me he made a conscious choice to live in Smithers and now that he does, he can’t imagine raising his children anywhere else. And so he’s an enthusiastic champion of local talent, from the guy who cast his concrete counters, to the welder who created the hop-vine window bars I spied through, to Facundo Gastiazoro, the artist whose paintings hang in the entrance of the brewery and illustrations adorn the labels of all the brewery’s beers, which in turn are named for local legends. It’s a passion-fueled enterprise in a passion-fueled economy: like Mark, people here are passionate about their town and its history…and so, in order to stay, they build businesses around their particular passions. Entrepreneurial excellence is everywhere.
And so is generosity. When I try to call a taxi, Mark insists on driving me back to my hotel. This just keeps happening. Everyone I meet gives me gifts, from lifts to town to bags of gourmet salt, introductions, and even an offer of a free night’s accomodation. I think about this, and about the parallels in all the stories I’ve heard – outdoor living, love, art, family, free-range kids, entrepreneurship, community – and realize that the personal histories shared by Sharon, Caroline, Jason and Mark are sideways lessons in the land, culture and economy of Smithers.
It’s delicious and I want more, so I arrange to spend some time with David deWit.
***
David deWit is the Natural Resources Department Manager for the Office of the Wet’suwet’en and when we meet, I’m so smitten by his soft-spoken, soulful “Wet’suwet’en 101″ that I don’t even check out his soles. David walks me through the clan structure, culture and politics of his peoples from long, long, time ago to today, and his thoughtful tutelage triggers a come-to-Jesus moment in me. There’s a shift in my thinking. As a recovering political science junkie (seven long years of undergrad and graduate study), I realize that my understanding of contemporary Aboriginal peoples and politics has been exclusively, inappropriately Machiavellian: all about machination, treaties, positioning, protest, reparations and reaction. My “knowledge” is a headline, news-report reel. This band protests X development. That tribe blocks Y pipeline. But David shows me that what The Office of the Wet’suwet’en and the Wet’suwet’en people want is not to have to react to announcements of development in their traditional territories. Instead, they’ve set up proactive processes to work with corporations and governments to jointly plan economically and socially sustainable development.
As an example of a project that went awry when it could have gone right, I ask him about a past plan for coalbed methane drilling in the headwaters of the Skeena, Nass and Stikine Rivers. The “sacred headwaters” is the birthplace for all three regional rivers feeding the lakes, fish stocks, sport-fishing industry…and families of many community members. A methane leak or spill in the headwaters could pollute all three rivers downstream, compromising or even destroying ecosystems, economies, livelihoods and food security throughout the region. And so the plan was met with protest – and not only from members of the Aboriginal community.
But. It wasn’t mining, drilling or development that the Wet’suwet’en and other community groups opposed. It was the place. The headwaters. You simply shouldn’t risk drilling there. And so, David explains, if companies come to them with proposals rather than announcements, the Wet’suwet’en can offer practical advice (like: drill here, not there, because it’s less of a socio-environmental risk, which means community groups probably won’t freak and block your project) based on their long, wide and deep knowledge of the region’s social and eco-systems. The Wet’suwet’en, David explains, welcome opportunities to contribute their local, historical expertise to developing sustainable, profitable ventures more likely to be embraced than protested by the region’s communities.
In a traditional business sense, they’re preaching the win-win-win. In an even more traditional sense, the Wet’suwet’en are practicing Yintah. It’s a word, David explains, describing both the Wet’suwet’en territory and philosophy. Yintah is an all-encompassing concept describing the interconnectedness of everything in a territory - from the soil, air, trees, water, and weather to the animals and people – and as a philosophy and practice Yintah acknowledges the relationships, responsibilities and interdependencies existing between all of these elements. And by “people”, David continues, Yintah includes all the people inhabiting Wet’suwet’en lands, Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal alike. If you are here, from dust motes to deer mice to deer to people of all ethnicities, you are to be considered in every action and happening in this territory. You are part of Yintah.
And in some form, that’s exactly what everyone I’ve met has been trying to articulate to me. Some tell me they came (or stay) for the outdoors, arts-and-culture, business opportunities, or people…but what they all return to – in life and conversation – is the fact that Smithers is all of these things. The land, the animals, the people, the economies, the cultures are all inextricably linked with each other. It’s Yintah. It’s interconnection. It’s communion.
It’s a community. They are a community. Their boots are made for walking and working together. They’re keeping the faith.
***
10am. Sunday. Church bells. For real. Where have I ever heard church bells before? Oh yes, first in Venice and then in Rome. And now in Smithers.
Although they ring through the whole town, I suspect these bells toll for me. It’s only a few days in and already I’m convinced. I’m converting. While I’m not (yet!) moved to move, I am ready for a pair of beautiful, battered-to-Smithereens boots. Still, given my penchant for fifties silhouettes and pencil skirts, I’m not sure what I’ll wear them with.
Maybe just a smile.
And, possibly, another return ticket.
——————–
How to get there: Hawkair specializes in flights to major northern towns in BC (Terrace, Kitimat, Smithers, Houston and Prince Rupert); has three-times daily service to Smithers from Vancouver’s main terminal; great prices (economy fares start at $235 CDN each way); tasty snacks sourced from local bakeries and caterers; and incredibly friendly service.
Where to stay: If you’re looking for out-of-town charm, StonesthrowGuesthouse or Logpile Lodge serve up privacy in the midst of very pretty natural settings. The Logpile is a tech-free retreat – no phones, TVs or wireless – while Stonesthrow comes equipped with a large flat screen, stereo, DVD player, printer, and internet connection.
In town, there are lots of economical options, from The Florence and The Fireweed at the lower end of the price range to The Sandman and The Sunshine Inn at higher (but still exceptionally affordable) price points. In most of the hotels and motels, décors are pretty standard – but so are the prices, which range from $59 to $199 CDN per night plus taxes.
Where to snack:Chatters Pizzaria & Bistro is habit-forming: though I’m not usually a fan of potatoes of any kind or in any form, I visited daily for a dose of seasoned yam fries with chipotle. Even more addictive is Schimmel’s Fine Pastries, an Austrian bakery with great coffee, good ambience and very fine pastries indeed.
Where to dine: If you ask around, two restaurant recommendations will come up over and over again: The Trackside Cantina and The Logpile Lodge Dining Room. The Trackside Cantina is a casual southwestern/Mexican kitchen with hearty servings and service while The Logpile is eclectic and elegant with a prix fixe menu that changes daily (but call ahead: it’s only open a few nights a week).
There are a few qualities I abstractly covet but don’t get. Or have. Actually there’s a long list of admirable qualities I lack, but those I comprehend and am therefore comfortable with my virtuous incompetence. These ones, however, have long mystified me:
Patience.
Good intentions.
Patience
When I think about patience, I think of long-suffering, indomnitable, admirable women. Ang San Suu Kyi, Mother Theresa [1]. They will not be moved. They will not be removed from their missions. They suffer indignities, confront darkness, and voluntarily, necessarily live circumscribed lives in shadows and hospices and homes-cum-jails. They sacrifice luxuries, freedom, their lives. They wait. They wait it out. They wait out their oppressors - disease, dictators - even though they themselves may not witness the curve they bent in the long arc of justice. They endure – even after death. They patiently coexist with and outwit despair.
And so I despair: despite my elaborate ideals, I will never be a good advocate of anything except The Good Life.
Because I like to get laid, eat bon-bons (that’s a lie, candy does nothing for me, I’m trying to convince you of my frivolity), sleep late, write lots, buy pretty things. And I need to do it all right now.
And so, until recently, I didn’t get patience and thought I would never get to patience. Patience was another country. Patience was for big causes, practiced by women bigger and better than me.
And then maybe I had an epiphany. I say maybe because it was a while ago so I forget exactly what triggered it but it’s likely I was mentally reviewing my surprisingly epic history of patience with my man. It’s not consistent with my customary romantic practices or inherent inclinations. Usually with relationships, I end them. I throw my hands in the air and a lot of curse words into the ring and then I demonize him to my friends and several thousand followers. You do this too, yes?
(Pssssst…don’t do this: “hands in the air, “in the ring”. Those are cliched descriptions/dying metaphors and I specifically teach people NOT to allow these things to slip past their editing eyes. ‘Tis lazy phrasing.)
So. My fledgling patience. It’s so noticeably new and disconcertingly enduring that my man admiringly refers to me as his “persistent bitch”. I tingle with pride. I dig the possessive and I am a persistent bitch. I’ve never given up on us even though we regularly experience defining moments when I’m ready and he’s only, barely, soon-to-be willing. And that shit tears me up sometimes. This patience gig isn’t easy.
And that’s it.
I always thought patience must be easy. Mother Theresa and other smug saints and martyrs were blessed with a natural, apparently effortless patience they beatifically oozed everywhere.
What I was aiming for wasn’t patience but ease and fucked if there’s no short-cut to character.
Because, yo, patience is hard. It requires faith, mostly in your own resilience. But you can do it.
Even I’m doing it. True story.
Good Intentions
Good intentions are a rule of thumb and like that zombie expression (it’s dead but won’t die, dammit), it’s so oft-repeated it’s forgettable, unexaminable. What does rule of thumb even mean? What are good intentions, anyway, other than a platitude and an excuse you offer when you fuck up? “I had good intentions” is an adult version of a seven year old’s “I didn’t mean to.”
Yet people I respect, adore, admire – gurus, women of experience – write and say and insist that intention is everything.
Which, despite my good intentions (ahem), I don’t get. Because the good idea fairy doesn’t pay jack[2]. Neither do good intentions, or, for that matter, potential. Potential is alluring and seductive but realization is climax and communion.
So intentions, even good ones, mean nothing to me.
Intentionality is conscious design, purpose, and realization. It’s craft. It’s the way I (usually) approach writing and it’s the method I teach. It’s editing. You can edit your art and your life. It’s the same damn thing.
Here’s what I mean. When I write, it’s easy. I sit down and it flows. It’s usually pretty good. Sometimes I can get away with publishing the raw goods.
But I don’t do that often. Most often, I re-examine my prose with two levels of intentionality.
The story I just told: what is it that I’m trying to say?
How can I say it with more art, invention, surprise?
Lots of people are potentially good writers. Lots of people are naturally good writers. Lots of people loosely intend to write good stuff. But great writers are meticulous, intentional editors. They realize their potential and then speed past it to park at actualization.
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1. Although, I must admit, like Christopher Hitchens and absolutely because of Christopher Hitchens, I have heartily mixed feelings about Mother Theresa.
2. According to Google Analytics, ”the good idea fairy doesn’t pay jack” is an actual search term that led someone to my site. I smell a t-shirt slogan.
2.1 These footnotes are a tribute to my new imaginary boyfriend Peter Orner and seven long years of undergraduate and graduate political science training, all of which is to say, I adore footnotes. It’s another way to squeak in musings, asides, and direct reader addresses. Like young girls in shabby dresses, parentheses and dashes, they do get weary.
2.2. And bloggers, therefore, especially ze Queens of intimate address and direct conversation, could and should use footnotes more often. Arwyn’s doin’ it…and hot damn did I just footnote my footnotes?
2.3. If you wanna use footnotes in WordPress – and darling, you do, and I’ll tell you why in three seconds, approximately the length of time it will take you to finish this sentence – try the FD Footnotes plugin.
2.4. If your friends are whispering in the next room, do you stop what you’re doing and listen harder? Do you find the longer you talk to someone, the more you reveal – even when you don’t mean to? Used semi-unconventionally (look at how Peter Orner uses them), that’s the gotta-hear-this tone footnotes can convey in writing. And blogging.
2.6. And that’s why you should use footnotes and postscripts in your blog posts, sales copy and newsletters. Also it’s just wacky. I’m a big fan of all things wackadoo.
That’s why Mad Men could wrap an entire episode around the question: Are you a Marilyn or a Jackie?
(During which, one mad man pointed out that office manager Joan Holloway is a Marilyn…but then caught himself: ”Actually, Marilyn is a Joan.”)
Yesterday I was Joan. Or Marilyn. Or both.
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One day while watching Turner Classic Movies, I heard a true story about Marilyn Monroe. She was strolling down a New York avenue with a friend, wearing an unremarkable dress with an ordinary scarf tied around her head. She went completely unnoticed.
Suddenly, the starlet turned to her companion and asked, “Would you like to see Marilyn now?”
It took her mere seconds to transform into a cinematic sex kitten. A subtle lifting of her shoulders, an alluring elongation of her back, the coy tilting of her head, and a suggestive swing of the hips and va-voom! Immediately, people noticed. Our legendary bombshell was quickly surrounded by frantic admirers. She didn’t have to duck into a phone booth and change into a sequinned gown…
No one on that Manhattan street cast an eye in Marilyn’s direction until she made the conscious decision to strut her stuff.
I am five months pregnant. Yesterday I slipped into a fitted, Joan-style dress, turned sideways and realized my belly is bigger than my boobs.
This is saying something.
I wore the dress anyway. I piled my hair into an updo, wore a knuckle-to-knuckle cocktail ring, painted my lips scarlet-letter red, and sashayed off into the world.
First I went to buy water. I’m naughty like that. The cashier said, “I have to tell you…you look amazing.” I gushed gratitude, and she said, “Oh come on. You look like a woman who knows she looks fabulous.”
Then I went to a medical office for an ultrasound. It was right after lunch. The waiting room was empty: fourteen seats and one ass (mine).
Despite the embarassment of chairs, a twenty-something, possibly professional-sport-playing hottie sits beside me. “I’m here about my knee.”
I smile. I’m a bit stunned by the choice of chair and opening line. “Oh,” I say.
“What are you here for?”
Are you kidding me? My belly is bigger than my cleavage – and a grown man could get lost in there.
It’s happened.
I explain the obvious. “I’m pregnant. I’m here for an ultrasound.”
He looks at my huge black cocktail ring that’s the antithesis of a discreet gold wedding band. “Are you married?”
“No.”
“I like kids,” he says, holding my gaze.
Again: are you kidding me?! I scan the room for Ashton Kutcher’s hiding place.
After the ultrasound, I visit my friend Heather, who tells me I’m the hottest pregnant woman EVER.
At home, the nanny for the neighbour’s family sees me and squeals over my dress.
I’m loving the love. But it’s not the dress. (Or: it’s not all the dress.)
It’s my mood. It’s competence and confidence. This morning, along with my red+purple partner Amanda Farough, I helped Tanya Geisler launch her new site and its premiere event, on online party complete with a jaw-dropping, drool-inducing loot bag. It’s gorgeous. It’s celebratory. Tanya is radiant…and radiating gratitude and generosity to all corners of the online (and offline) world. Including mine.
And because of that – because I’ve done well, and made my client/friend happy – I’m radiant and radiating, too. I’m joyous. I’m celebrating. I’m proud of what we did. I’m confident we did it well.
It’s like the time when I first fell in love with my man. At the height of newly-smitten, I spoke at a women’s bible study meeting and another woman couldn’t remember my name. Instead of “Kelly”, she referred to me as ”the young woman who’s beaming.”
Radiance is sexy. It might even be sexier than conventionally prescribed hip-waist ratios of “attractiveness”. Just ask me. Even when I’m not pregnant, I’m height-weight proportionate: I’m as round as I am tall.
And I’m rocking it. Strutting it. Beaming it. Radiating.
If you’d like to win my copy of Kim Brittingham’s Read My Hips (which she graciously gave me to review), let me know in the comments below. I’ll draw and announce a winner on Friday, July 15, 2011.
As Tanya mentioned, Amanda was still putting a “spit-shine” on Tanya’s virtual baby while in labour with her own real baby. Congratulations Amanda and Mike Farough on the birth of Gabriel. xoxo
Much love to Leah Shaver who leapt in with last-minute wordpress wizardry and support.
Money is deeply personal. Our relationship with our money is directly connected to our relationship with our creativity. Getting right with money means that you can get right with your contribution to the world. Getting right with money means you can better practice your art.You can create more. Offer more. Give more.
More abundance, more art, more you. Money is CENTRAL.
Faith: that the people commanding the highest prices will not hoard their wealth nor will they flaunt it. They will use it.
You will use it.
I want you to be one of the people who use their wealth because I trust you and I love you.
Faith: that the value of what I provide far outstrips the price I charge. I’m not extracting a luxurious lifestylefrom unsuspecting clients; I’m delivering services and products that help people earn and create more than they pay.
Your gain is not your customer’s loss.
Faith: in your abilities and talents; in your customers and their circumstances; in a system that is changing more quickly than we can keep up with.
Faith. Fear.
Our relationship with money is often just that: we want more but fear what will happen when we get it. So we keep our prices low, we don’t offer for sale all that we could, we “neglect” to tell people we’re in business at all. We leave money on the table and, with it, our ability to be truly feeling, creative, and in-our-own-power. It’s a nasty cycle and it’s not all about money.
It’s about our fear of greatness and fear of all we can truly become. It’s about our fear of the greatness we can bring into the world.
The antidote: faith. In yourself and your abilities. In your customers. In your art and your contribution.
Because once you believe – and this isn’t an airy-fairy wish-it-were-so affirmation, but a declaration borne of experience, offer and contribution – that the value of what you provide far outstrips the price you charge, money gets easy. Faith-full.
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Friend Much by Theilr
You know those magnetic poem puzzles? The box of words you arrange and rearrange on your refrigerator door?
(And so if this found poem/money manifesta affected you and your urge to do and be and earn more, imagine the full impact of the guide, itself.)
In the last several months – when I turned my tanking business around by fueling it with oranges, offerings and shiny gold coins – I’ve wondered if we (yes “we”, we’re definitely in this together) get comfortable with broke. If we stay at the survival line because we know how to live there. We know how to cope with lack and so lack the skills to manage lots.
I’ve wondered if earning more so you can do more requires giving yourself permission to ask for more.
(I know because I contributed to it. I’m promoting it. I’m telling you because I believe in it - and in Tara Gentile’s ethics and business coaching acumen.)
If you’ve ever been embarrassed to post your offer at the bottom of a blog post; hesitant to charge people for your services – hell, charge at all – or starved your art and your business and yourself because you’re undercharging, you need this guide. We all do. The Art of Earning is about getting your head right so your money can follow. And it’s for you, dear Artist, Entrepreneur, Do-Gooder, Seeker, Contributor, Earner, Sharer.
Severian loves Thecla. Forever. And not even death will part them. After her suicide – she was a prisoner, he a torturer, and he smuggled her a knife so she could both end her suffering and choose her own fate - he ‘ingested’ a piece of her body so she would become a part of him.
In that world – a reality imagined and written by Gene Wolfe in his four volume novel, The Book of the New Sun – that act allowed a person’s memories and shades of their personality to live on in another body. It is a grotesque, gorgeous act of desperate grief, love, respect. Commitment. To the bone. Of the bone.
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When I sent a note to 537 (yes, my list is that small) of my fiercest friends and allies announcing that I’m currently incubating another human, I did not do it in this tone:
Instead, I detailed my unconventional, sometimes wrenching and now wonderful love affair with my baby’s daddy.
Because I wanted to tell the truth. Yes, we’re in love. Yes, we’re committed. Yes, we’re having a baby and setting up house. But it wasn’t always a charmed road.
What relationship – friendship, parental, romantic – is uncomplicated by mixed feelings, profound acts of tenderness and betrayal? Is there anyone you love whom you have not failed in some minute or monumental way?
Yet our stories of courtship are often told in one key: happy. Crinoline and garters and place settings, oh my!
But choosing your One Thing doesn’t mean you will feel only one thing. Clarity is accompanied by exhultation and grief. Clarity is ruthless, mercenary, affirming choice. One thing over many.
This thing. Your thing.
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This – my lover, the wounds we’ve inflicted on each other, the tender poultices we’ve applied, our baby – isn’t a path I’d trade. I wouldn’t want to walk another with anyone else. In the last year, I grew. I grew into nomaddawhat. I ground up commitment, mixed it in my life cocktail, and drank deeply.
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And it’s not just life. It’s art. Your art.
Someone - it is variously attributed to Gene Fowler, Douglas Adams and Ernest Hemingway – once wrote,
Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
PPS If you want to live and write (and blog!) with more art, heart and soul, please join me in the Summer or Fall Session of Artful, Heart-full Blogging. They’re my last two offerings of the year and for a good long while after that. (As of November, I’m surrendering to babydom for the indefinite future.)
PPPS “Alms of Ambivalence” is a phrase I lifted from Ronna Detrick’s Beauty that Aches. Ronna is in the current Artful, Heart-full Blogging cohort and wrote ”Beauty That Aches” (as well as ”It Could Be Worse“ which is equally stunning, you must read it) using some techniques I teach in my class. I read that phrase and was smitten, instantly. This feels like success – for both of us. Thank you, Ronna.
In the 1940s, when Jackson Pollock was using sticks, hardened paint brushes and syringes to drip liquid enamel paint – common house paint – onto canvases laid out on the floor, did he think “A lot of people are going to hate this”?
He probably did.
He did it anyway.
Hallelujah.
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I learned this - and do this – by consciously, repeatedly ignoring that voice in my head that says “What will your father think about this piece???!” –
- and at dinner Saturday night the deep and divine thinkers Pema Teeter and Lianne Raymond drove it from the back, back, back of my mind to the front-and-center.
My dude threw down some serious wisdom last night.
Here’s a metaphorical recap…
Imagine you’re a rat in a cage and mmmmm mmmm mmmm you’ve just discovered that when you press a magical lever, you get a morsel of cheese – only it’s cheese soaked in love and pixie dust and endorphins and mother o’ rodents it gets you HIGH.
So you keep going back, cranking that lever and licking those morsels.
You’re floating. You’re delicious. It’s delicious. The whole undamned world is delicious. Colours are brighter, the air smells like flowers. All you can think about is that lever. That seductive, entrancing lever. You cannot get enough of her.
Because of course that lever is your girlfriend. She is the dispenser of good feelings. She makes your world go ’round. You adore her because she makes you feel great. Gifted. Lifted. In love.
But, over time, the cheese starts to feel a little crumbly. It’s the same cheese, soaked in love and magic, but it’s the same cheese. When you eat it every day it loses the aroma of novelty and possibility that made it so bewitching in the first place.
And this rat-cage-lever-love trajectory is what plagues modern marriages and partnership.
But this isn’t a story about novelty and boredom. This is a story about transactions. About how we North Americans view our partners as pleasure-providers. As dispensers of good feelings.
And about how we often value the feelings over the other person. We value the impact our partners create rather than our partners, themselves. We marvel at the things our lovers make us feel rather than behold the wonder of the extraordinary web of water and flesh and lifesparks and experience and possibility that is them.
So when the intense, gorgeous, rainbow feelings fade – as they do when you argue, change diapers, check your dwindling bank account online, rush the kids to soccer – we’re think – feel – it’s over.
Unmetaphorically: our relationships are premised on transactional payoffs. When they stop paying off, they end.
My dude and I both know a lil’ something about this. We’ve got a couple marriages and domestic partnerships between us and behind us. And while I’m impetuous and romantic and prone to leaving my apartment for a first date to never ever again return to my own home, he’s cautious – and I was tearfully, fatalistically, dramatically interpreting that cautiousness as reluctance, lack of commitment and a whopping absence of faith in our future.
But.
It turns out that he might be a little more committed than me because he wants us to do a something that is both wise and revolutionary: he wants us to go slow and deep. Learn to swim in the waters of each other so we can survive the rapids and float forever. Get to know each other. Cherish each other as people rather than as the dispensers of good cheese.
And that’s something. ‘Cuz good cheese is mighty fine. Just ask my foodie friend Heather who several years ago had a still-smoldering argument with her mother over an $11 sliver of Parmesan. They didn’t speak for weeks. True story.
I’m not ready to apologize. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m not ready for marriage. We’re not ready to have kids. I’m not ready to apply to that program/school/job/life. I’m not ready to face the truth. I’m not ready for cancer. I’m not ready to leave.
I’m not ready for this.
It might be true, but it’s an excuse and the source of your pain.
Look at that litany of excuses: they’re all talking to Reality and saying “I can’t handle you”.
But reality is a pugilist. Challenging it will only result in your own pummeling.
When I argue with reality, I beat myself. I beat myself down.
And it hurts.
There’s a difference between trying everything to change a situation and refusing to accept reality. When you’re in the battle to change or prevent something, you’re dealing with reality. You know what is and what might be and you hope – fervently, practically, actively, exhaustively - you can change it. And so you try. And maybe you succeed.
And that – trying, maybe succeeding – it precisely what “I’m not ready” prevents.
We protest our trials. We go through trials and in the arduous beginning we bemoan and protest them. But the truth is, we grow through trials and trying.
So of course you’re not ready. Nobody is. Even when you think you’re ready, you’re probably wrong. When I decided to have children and get pregnant with my first child, I thought I was ready. And then, when she arrived as a cosmic privilege and burden, an eternal marvel and responsibility, a whole person with a buffet of needs and demands, and an instant and continuous attenuation of my own selfishness, I knew – and I know every day – that I was not ready. I was and am wrenchingly unprepared. I am – as are most parents - not an instinctual saint equipped with The Answers but a desperately loving and flawed person striving for greatness. Striving to be a mother. Striving to be the mama she needs.
Ready is the wrong litmus test.
You only need to be willing.
And “I don’t want to” and “I’m not willing” are legitimate. “I’m not ready” is bullshit and a waiting game.
(And, it seems, Adele is everyone’s girl. She’s sold out everywhere I look – and I looked in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. And never before have I checked multiple cities for concert dates or been willing to fly somewhere to experience an artist.)
What if Adele believed that there was only one way to be an artist, singer and star? What if she had waited until she was a size 2 to rock our world? What if she looked at her dreams, listened to her incredible voice, and told them both: “I’m not ready”?
Or Oprah. What if she thought, “I’ll lose the weight before I go on stage”? What if she said, “I’m not ready”? She would have delayed her nation-altering, world-changing career for twenty years. For twenty years, while she could have been honing her craft and delighting her people, she would have been trying to lose the weight to get ready. She would be battling herself instead of challenging herself.
And we would be poorer for it.
You don’t have to be ready. You just have to be willing…