How to Break Up Gracefully…Or Not

Dear Readers, I’m breaking a rule here. I had resolved never to write about current events and the ephemera of pop culture. My intention for this blog was to write only timeless pieces of heartbreaking truth.

Yet a morning radio talk show – The Kid Carson Show on The Beat 94.5 – has me all fired up. (I’m deep like that.) Although in writing about it, I’m breaking my own rule, this topic does in fact satisfy one of my criterion: heartbreaking truth. Literally, because the subject at hand is break ups.

Briefly, here is the dilemma, according to man-child Kid Carson. (Kid: love you. Seriously, I do.) When it comes to break ups, men want an easy out, while woman want soul-wrenching, teeth-gnashing, closure-inducing honesty.

Even when the man in question is slightly more evolved, and knows that he ought to give his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend honesty, he still wants honesty-lite. Or, more accurately, honesty that is met with female composure and a brave yet tremulous smile. Men want to tell the truth (maybe) but only if it is consequence-free – i.e. no one throws muffins.

My darlings – Kid and and the legion of confused yet well-intentioned men you represent – let me set you straight. The problem is not that you haven’t discovered the fail-safe method for the feel-good, emotion-free break up. The problem is oh-so-much bigger than that.

First, the win-win break up doesn’t exist. If you could both walk away happy, you wouldn’t walk away.

Second, you are trying to reconcile two conflicting and irreconciliable goals. In girl language, it is like wishing and hoping and praying that you can consume 4,000 extra calories a day and still lose weight. Wishing ain’t gonna make it so.

Let me explain.

Goal 1 of our two irreconciliable break up goals seeks the no muss, no fuss break up (for the breaker upper, and let the pain fall where it may for the recipient of the bad news).

Goal 2, on the other hand, seeks respect, honesty, and trying to do what is best and right for the person who will be hurt.

Goal 1 is self-centred. What is best for me? How can I minimize the unpleasantness of this awkward situation? Which chair in this coffee shop is closest to the exit?

Goal 2 is other-centred. What is best for this person whom I am hurting with my decision? How can I end this relationship in a way that allows this person to retain their dignity AND learn and grow from this experience? How can I ensure that they will not be needlessly fucked up for months on end over this lame-ass break up?

The methods of Goal 1 are as follows: e-mail; voicemail; text message; or any kind of meeting in a public place that ends with pat lines like “I just want to be friends”; “It is not you, it is me”; “I’d rather be a good friend than a bad boyfriend” or so on.

However, should all of those methods be too hard on your delicate and underdeveloped cojones, there is always invisibility. This requires going on vacation and never coming back, and/or ducking calls, and/or blocking messages, and and/or basically avoiding the woman until she realizes “hey, I think we broke up. Motherlover.” This, my darlings, WILL mess with your ex’s head and cause serious trust issues in her next romance. I know. Hello Dexter.

The methods of Goal 2 are simpler, yet more difficult. They involve behaving like an actual, grown-ass man, and having compassion for the other person. It requires a willingness to take responsibility for the pain that your decision causes her. So these scenarios involve **gasp** talking and genuine emotional exchange.

Let’s apply the Campsite rule to break ups. If you are a conscientious camper, you leave the campsite cleaner and in better condition than it was when you arrived (ie no beer cans, garbage, wreckage, debris). Similarly, if you are a conscientious dater (nay, human), insofar as humanly possible by your own efforts, leave the other person in better shape than you found her (no emotional wreckage from a bungled break up, thank you very much).

I’m borrowing this rule from Dan Savage, sex-columnist/educator/pervert wunderkind. According to Dan, these are the parameters for the Campsite rule: leave the other person with no STIs, no fertilized eggs, no restraining orders, no emotional trauma, and with improved sexual skills. Dan uses this rule for as a guideline for relationships where one partner is older and wiser than the other but it applies equally to situations where one person has the power and the other person is vulnerable. Hellooooooo break ups!

Now, while we’re on the sex-ed bent, remember when we were teenagers and adults were telling us that if we couldn’t talk about sex, then we weren’t ready to have sex? Remember how we scoffed at the old people?

Now that we’re in our twenties and thirties…well they were kind of right, weren’t they? If you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.

The same thing holds true for relationships and break ups. If you can’t handle talking about the break up in a real, honest, adult way – and that includes being prepared to deal with real and unpleasant emotions – then you shouldn’t get in a relationship in the first place. Because real, honest adults have real emotions, and they are not always pretty.

So, to recap.

When deciding how to break up with someone, use the Campsite rule. Leave the person better than you found them. Presumably, when you hooked up, your partner was not a raving, raging mess fraught with insecurity over the dirt done to her by the last guy. (If she was, my darling, then you have bigger issues than simply how to break up. Your choosing process needs a little help, too.)

Then, when applying the Campsite rule, and leaving the person better than you found them – ie with some dignity and closure – choose your method of break up from the one of three zones.

In a break up, there is the no-go zone, the grey zone, and the Good Camper Zone. (Hint: the Good Camper leaves a campsite how? Yes! Better than he found it!). Here’s how the break up zones break down:

  1. No-Go Zone – Email, Voicemail, Text message, no communication at all
  2. Grey Zone – Phone
  3. Good Camper Zone – Face to face. Bonus points if you do it face-to-face in a private – not public – place. Hey, you made love sweet love in private, right? Make the act of un-loving equally private.

Remember, if you are not mature enough to handle a mature, honest, adult break up, you are not mature enough to be in a mature, honest adult relationship. So break up with both your girlfriends now and start a new relationship with a clean slate.

Final question: yegads, why are men so afraid of women? Tears, tantrums and flying food can’t kill you. Trust me. I know. I have toddlers.

Eff Multi-Tasking (Or: How to Do More By Doing Less)

If you want to create, stop multitasking and start single-tasking. (In other words, focus, dammit.)

I admit it. I am a single-tasker. Not necessarily by choice, just by sheer natural limitation. Hand on heart, I can only focus on one – maybe two – things at a time. When I am reading, I literally cannot hear you if you speak. I know, deep and surely to the depths of my soul, that I cannot drive safely and talk on my phone at the same time. If the TV is on, you can be certain that I am not listening to what you say even if I pretend otherwise.

This often makes me feel like an atheist at a baptism. Friends are evangelical task jugglers bragging about how many plates they have in the air. Job interviewers ask if you’re a strong multi-tasker. (A good – and true – response to that is “I know how to manage interruptions.” No need to mention that your chief tool in that endeavour is the stink-eye followed closely by blocks of judicious call screening.) Dates take cell phone calls while at dinner (but do not get dessert).

The Downside of Multi-tasking
An article in the NY Times by writer Steve Lohr says that I am not in fact “challenged” but realistic. Lohr writes that according to neuroscientist René Marois, a “core limitation” of our brain is an inability to concentrate on two things at once”.

Lohr goes on to write that
“In a recent study, a group of Microsoft workers took, on average, 15 minutes to return to serious mental tasks, like writing reports or computer code, after responding to incoming e-mail or instant messages. They strayed off to reply to other messages or browse news, sports or entertainment Web sites.”

Well, I am no neuroscientist but that does not sound very productive, does it?

It is not. Multitasking fragments our attention and stalls the momentum necessary for deep thinking. We’re not doing more with less; we’re doing more and achieving less – and, as evidenced by our jam-packed schedules and work hour ‘creep’, we’re taking longer to do it.

Madness. Multitasking madness, I tell you.

The Upside of Single-Tasking
All right kids. The experts say multitasking is bollocks. I am not ‘special’ because I cannot multitask effectively. We are all idiots if we think that multitasking will help us generate and create and do ‘more’ and do it better. Eff multi-tasking. If you want results, focus and flow.

When I talk about ‘flow’, I’m not talking about some mystical force that sweeps you up and inspires you to dance naked in a field of daisies (feel free to do that if you like, and send me the photos). Flow is not a trance. Well, okay, it is, but not in a hippy-dippy, peyote-enhanced sense of the word.

Flow, to me, is right brain thinking. I learned about right-brain thinking years ago when I was learning to draw, but the theory explains so much more than just “Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain”.

The website for the book quotes neurosurgeon Richard Bergland, who says that

“You have two brains: a left and a right. Modern brain scientists now know that your left brain is your verbal and rational brain; it thinks serially and reduces its thoughts to numbers, letters and words… Your right brain is your nonverbal and intuitive brain; it thinks in patterns, or pictures, composed of ‘whole things,’ and does not comprehend reductions, either numbers, letters, or words.”

The fact that your right brain does not use numbers, letters, or words means that when deep in thought, being called back to the left side of your brain is literally a jarring experience. Your brain has to switch gears.

In my experience, the right brain also does not experience time in a linear way. When I am immersed in a right-brain activity, I lose all sense of time. The only thing at hand is the pleasure and joyous work of creating. Being interrupted and called back to reality – back to the linear, rational left brain – is a jarring, and irritable experience, and it takes time for my inflamed and now ornery brain to switch gears. The immediate momentum I had for the creative process is lost. The flame goes out.

And this, dear reader is why we must immediately rise up and overthrow the hegemony of multitasking. Just as our brethren at Microsoft take an average of fifteen minutes to get back to ‘serious mental tasks’ (umm, like effective security? Just asking), you and I lose our momentum and intensity of focus when we try to do many things at once instead of one or two things well.

Give Yourself Time
If you want to create, give yourself to time to focus and flow.

I realize that for many of us, this is not a highly practical solution. There are kids to shoo off the back of the sofa, dogs to walk, demanding jobs and relationships, gyms and telemarketers to avoid, facebook addictions to feed, twitters to tweet, and just not enough time in the day.

But I swear to you, up, down, sideways and doggy-style, that multi-tasking is the culprit stealing our time. Focusing on one thing at a time will actually increase the intensity of your focus and allow you to accomplish more in less time.

I use the alternating weekends when my children are with their father to be creative. Or after they go to bed, which is a pale second choice, however. The end of the day is the worst time to tap into will power. I am still living a life that requires a degree of muscling through, so my will power reserves are depleted long before bedtime (hell, by lunchtime! Often even before breakfast!).

For example, when I decided – really decided – to launch this blog, I chose a Saturday when the children were not at home, when I had no commitments and no distractions. I took care of all my pesky Saturday tasks (shopping, cleaning, errands) first thing in the morning, and then sat down to make the magic happen (ahem).

While high on will power, I also took on and completed all the tasks that I do not like and would usually find a way to avoid or delay. Figuring out domains and software and hosting and all the mundane infrastructure of blogging is not what gets me all a-tingle. Case in point: my microwave clock is still blinking 00:00. Only steroid-enhanced will power or an act of God will make that change.

Boring infrastructure in place, kids and distractions contained, I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. When my energy waned, I ate an orange and turned my attention to researching points that needed flesh. Then, when that flash of citrus-powered glucose re-ignited my brain, I wrote some more.

When I was ‘done’, I had a functioning website, five complete posts, as well as outlines, research, notes and titles for several more pieces. Go, right brain, go!

Give Yourself Tools that Work
In the process of starting this blog, I did two things right: I carved out uninterrupted time to single-task, and I rode the wave of will power (hard).

I harnessed the power of will power to build myself a delivery system that will keep churning even once the fuel runs out. In other words, I planned and wrote ahead.

For example, my goal is to publish five entries per week. Knowing that I will do this while juggling all of my regular responsibilities – working a fulltime job, mothering two small girls and keeping up on my social networking habit – and that will power inevitably abandons me in a day or two, I took my own advice.

Realizing – and accepting – that on Thursday night I might not feel like writing, or that inspiration would take a holiday and I would have nothing to write about, I wrote several ‘extra’ posts. I manufactured a little inventory, if you will.

Now, I feel confident that I can achieve my goal (five posts), am less anxious about failing which in turns frees my mind to focus on achieving. I avoid the self-flagellation that comes with not meeting my goals – and there is nothing that stalls action and accomplishment as effectively as self-abuse. In addition, now everything I write this week is gravy. Not only am I meeting my goal, but I am exceeding it. Kill me now. It does not get better than this.

This brings us to the next observation. The exaltation of accomplishment rolls in just as will power rolls out.

Like will power, accomplishment is a fuel. Time your plans so that just as will power is running out, accomplishment kicks in. And the amazing thing is this: accomplishment generates more will power.

If you use will power and accomplishment as fuel, and assemble the right tools for the job – including single-tasking – you will be able to accomplish your objectives with greater ease, and faster, than if you drag your ass through life enslaved to the demands of your crackberry.

What are these tools? When you set out to make a change, or achieve a goal, or create something of value, your tool box looks like this:

  • Will Power (fuel)
  • Time
  • Single-tasking
  • Right brain thinking
  • Plan
  • Action
  • Accomplishment (fuel)

In essence, I achieve a simple goal this week (actually two, because I also lost five pounds this week) by assembling and using the right tools. You can do the same.

The Get ‘Er Done Methodology
Once you’ve got your tools and know how to use them, here’s what you do:

  1. Single-task. Focus. No interruptions. Give yourself time to tap into your right brain.
  2. Accept and accomodate reality. Acknowledge your constraints and the solutions up-front. No magical thinking around reality.
  3. Harness will power (initially). Use the fuel of will power to build and kick-start a self-perpetuating delivery system that both acknowledges your constraints and does an end-run around them to produce your goals.
  4. Refuel. Time it so that the fuel of accomplishment kicks in just as the fuel of will power is petering out.
  5. Repeat. Often.

Well, well, well. Lookie here. I set out to write a short and simple post on why multi-tasking is a bad idea, and ended up writing that and a step-by-step plan for achieving goals. Thank you very much, single-tasking right brain. (Have I made my point, darlings?)

In Case You Missed It, Here’s My Point: Multi-tasking is Dumb
We all can do more with less time – but multitasking is not the method, it is madness.

Focus your time and energy on the process of creating, and allow yourself to do that uninterrupted. Your productivity, and your pleasure in producing, will increase exponentially. I had an amazing time this week creating this blog and getting skinny (or, more accurately, less fat), and I want that for you, too. Let’s be better people together.

And if you do make it out to that meadow…I’m still waiting for the pictures.

How to Make Will Power Last

Who knows how to make love stay
Help before it gets away
That’s the question of the day
Who knows how to make love stay…

- Doug and the Slugs, “Who Knows How to Make Love Stay” from Music for the Hard of Hearing, 1983

In 1983, a dignified gentleman by the name of Doug, who consorted with slugs, lyrically pondered one of life’s grand questions: how do we make love stay?

I think the answer to this question parallels the answer to my big question of the day/week/month/lifetime: how do we make will power last?

Ah will power, my frenemy.  You get me all excited and hopped up on plans and potential and then desert me me when I am faced with dessert.

The way we think about will power sets us up for failure.  We wonder how to make will power last because we think that will power will help us achieve our goals.  Will power is not an end, but a means to an end.

We think that the answer to a problem that requires personal discipline to solve (weight loss, smoking, overspending) is to simply muster up our will power and muscle through it.  Then, when our weak, underdeveloped will power muscle fails to lift the elephant in the room, or wanders off into the bushes to pee long before the race is over, we feel like failures.  We blame ourselves.  We blame will power.  We blame our mothers.  And none of those things are at fault (well, except maybe your mother.  I’m so sorry).

Yet will power is compelling.  We’ve all had those moments when we are absolutely lit from within, on fire for a project, passion, or cause.  There is magic and force in that moment when desire, motivation and action collide.

Will power is a lightning flash.  It is fleeting.  Temporary.  Evanescent.  Damn it.

Now, cursing aside, let’s not bemoan the fleeting nature of will power, but simply accept it and embrace it.  If humans can turn rushing water into electricity, you and I can transform the momentary thunder and clash of will power into a sustainable source of productive action.

Embrace the energy of will power and launch yourself into a flurry of action.

Make your action plan, make a list of all the resources and tools you need to execute the plan, and gather each and every one of them.  Now.  While you’re still motivated.

Make a list of the risks to your plan and figure out how to contain each and every one of them.

Failure-proof your environment.  If you want to write a novel but TV owns your ass, haul it out to the curb.  Call the cable company, wait your requisite fourteen minutes on hold, and cancel all the channels you like.  When you’re in the grip of will power, it does not hurt as much (kind of like sex and pain, but that’s another post) and by the time you will power wanes, your TV will be bathing your neighbour’s basement in blue light.  (Do not stand outside the window and weep.  That is just bad form.)

On the upside, you won’t whine about your lack of will power anymore.  If anything, you’ll be kvetching that you have too much will power and that it makes you take radical, transformative action.  Crap.

In essence, use will power as the inspiration to build a little lifestyle machine that will keep functioning long after will power has gone for a nap.  Be mercenary.  Use will power when it presents itself but do not depend on it to fuel your success.  You don’t need will power.  You just need a boring system that works whether you are inspired to tend it or not.

So, back to Doug and his 1983 question, “who knows how to make love stay”?

We all do.

If we want something in our lives, we create the environmental conditions necessary to sustain it.  Sunflowers need sun.  Children need love.  Weight loss needs a padlocked fridge, a food diary, a publicly embarassing blog and a passle of distractions.  Success does not require will power, it needs boring systems of small habits performed every day.  Love needs happy people.

And dear reader, if all of that fails, novelist Tom Robbins knows how to make love stay:

Tell love you are going to the Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if love stays, it can have half.  It will stay.

It might work for will power too.  And if you have cheesecake, do not call me.  We all know I don’t have the will power to say no.

_________________

This post was the first of a series on will power. Here are the two that followed:

Eff Will Power

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice: That’s What Will Power is Made Of

Welcome (or How Not to Write a First Blog Post)

Apparently there are rules to blogging and first blog posts. I’m supposed to tell you who I am, why I am blogging, what I will be blogging about, how you can leave feedback – and do it in 500 words or less, because we’re all too lazy to read anything more.

In essence, this post is the text version of an elevator pitch.

Well, dear readers, here it is.

This blog is a personal and social experiment. What happens when an overweight, broke, semi-lost but pretty smart single mom decides to rewrite her life in 18 months or less?

In short, my plan is to write, reflect and act my way into a life of purpose and passion. I’d love it if you would join me on the journey.