Yeah, separation hurts, but if a break up is done honestly, without deception and manipulation, we can handle it.

BETRAYAL on the other hand, cuts deep, and it starts with the feeling of disconnection, disconnection from what feels “right.” We sense we’re not getting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When that happens we fill those gaps of distrust with rationalizations because…well, who doesn’t want to be loved. We think, it’s me. I’m just being paranoid. I’ll fix it.

But maybe it isn’t you. Maybe your senses are ringing true. Maybe you two are not fully connected as you should be. If this is the case you must confront the displacement with your loved one. You’ve got to expose your feelings. You’ve got to find out: Are they about real loss, like loss of truth? Or are they about fear of loss?

If your feelings are about fear of loss and your partner supports you while correcting those doubts, then you are on your way to building the trust we so desperately need. Without trust, there cannot be love.

Warmly,
Irv

You’ve given me something to chew over as I enjoy being myself for the first real time in 10 years (!). May I meet a cautious cheesemaker down the line sometime. No rush now!

Thanks for another awesome article.

This a great post and makes me want to share so much!
a) cheese is just milk’s leap towards immortality.
b) it is a modern idea that one person must be lover, friend, guide, nurse, counselor, maid, muse, parent, mentor, playmate etc. This notion that we must be all (or a lot)to our partner creates masses of intimacy and stability and trust. But passion lives where there is more mystery and tension and surprise. How can we summon mystery and tension and surprise into our relationships so that we can continue to be delighted by them?
c)before the advent of agriculture there is ample evidence that humans for the bulk of evolution lived in bands where the groups shared food collection and preparation and actual food, shelter, child rearing and sex. We are promiscuous beings who are terribly plastic (in the sense of being flexible) but perhaps we have gotten a bit too used to a particular social structure. read Sex at Dawn for more!

It’s like I use bitching about a man’s lack o’ commitment to distract me from my own commitment issues. I push and push and push for The Symbols but when I’m offered true commitment and intimacy, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t even know how to recognize it.

I wonder if it’s the same for other women.

Whoa. Just whoa.

We do that, don’t we? It’s like I wrote about convincing: we don’t have to do it…AND IT DOESN’T WORK.

and…thank you so much for your sweet words. xo