Not Ready But Willing
I’m not ready to apologize. I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m not ready for marriage. We’re not ready to have kids. I’m not ready to apply to that program/school/job/life. I’m not ready to face the truth. I’m not ready for cancer. I’m not ready to leave.
I’m not ready for this.
It might be true, but it’s an excuse and the source of your pain.
Look at that litany of excuses: they’re all talking to Reality and saying “I can’t handle you”.
But reality is a pugilist. Challenging it will only result in your own pummeling.
When I argue with reality, I beat myself. I beat myself down.
And it hurts.
There’s a difference between trying everything to change a situation and refusing to accept reality. When you’re in the battle to change or prevent something, you’re dealing with reality. You know what is and what might be and you hope – fervently, practically, actively, exhaustively - you can change it. And so you try. And maybe you succeed.
And that – trying, maybe succeeding – it precisely what “I’m not ready” prevents.
We protest our trials. We go through trials and in the arduous beginning we bemoan and protest them. But the truth is, we grow through trials and trying.
And so when I hear someone say “I’m not ready for a relationship” or “I’m not ready to be a good partner”, I think, being in a relationship is how you learn to be a partner and how you learn to love. Relationships are both the training ground and the institution. Marriage is a people-growing machine. In relationship is always life-altering. You can’t learn to swim on land.
So of course you’re not ready. Nobody is. Even when you think you’re ready, you’re probably wrong. When I decided to have children and get pregnant with my first child, I thought I was ready. And then, when she arrived as a cosmic privilege and burden, an eternal marvel and responsibility, a whole person with a buffet of needs and demands, and an instant and continuous attenuation of my own selfishness, I knew – and I know every day – that I was not ready. I was and am wrenchingly unprepared. I am – as are most parents - not an instinctual saint equipped with The Answers but a desperately loving and flawed person striving for greatness. Striving to be a mother. Striving to be the mama she needs.
Ready is the wrong litmus test.
You only need to be willing.
And “I don’t want to” and “I’m not willing” are legitimate. “I’m not ready” is bullshit and a waiting game.
Because what are you waiting for?
That’s the question coach extraordinaire Tanya Geisler told me she heard in her head on a train in Toronto. She was thinking about our girl Adele.
(And, it seems, Adele is everyone’s girl. She’s sold out everywhere I look – and I looked in Vancouver, Seattle, Portland and San Francisco. And never before have I checked multiple cities for concert dates or been willing to fly somewhere to experience an artist.)
What if Adele believed that there was only one way to be an artist, singer and star? What if she had waited until she was a size 2 to rock our world? What if she looked at her dreams, listened to her incredible voice, and told them both: “I’m not ready”?
Or Oprah. What if she thought, “I’ll lose the weight before I go on stage”? What if she said, “I’m not ready”? She would have delayed her nation-altering, world-changing career for twenty years. For twenty years, while she could have been honing her craft and delighting her people, she would have been trying to lose the weight to get ready. She would be battling herself instead of challenging herself.
And we would be poorer for it.
You don’t have to be ready. You just have to be willing…
…or willing to be willing.
About the author
- More at
You are a word goddess, m’dear, and almost every time you post it hits me. right. here.
I miss our weekly chats – shall we schedule again?
I hope your life is exploding with fabulous.
J.
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Yes yes yes yes yesssssssssss.
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Thank you. And thank you for Adele, I hadn’t heard her before.
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Yes! And this applies to EVERYTHING in life. Your writing blows my mind…
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Yes, you are right that “I’m not ready” stops us when the experience is there to teach us how to do what we don’t feel ready to do.
“I’m not ready” is often used as an excuse when we don’t think we can execute perfectly.
But also, I think that there are times when “I’m not ready” is legitimate, and it would be good to honor it.
How to tell the difference? It has to come from a deep-seated understanding of self, and an understanding of what else is going on in one’s life, I think.
This post is giving me much to chew on.
Maybe we can say “I’m not ready, but I’m ready to do these things to become ready?”
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I just read Carin Berger’s “The Little Yellow Leaf” to my son tonight. It’s all about “I’m not ready” and “Not yet.” It’s so true that we have to life today as we want to, not as we wish it could be – if only…
Thanks for the reminder!
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Sometimes we just use the “not ready” as an excuse for inertia or to whine about anything. (Some people just like to complain. It’s their hobby.)
That said. Great writing as usual, Kelly!
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Wow. What a great blog to wake up to, and a challenge for my day.
What am I not ready for, and what am I willing to do anyway? Today. Now. No excuses?
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When “I’m not ready” comes from a deep place of fear, “I am willing” is sometimes the only thing that gets me unstuck. I am grateful for that. And grateful for your inspiring post, that has caused me to say again today, “I am willing.” Thank you.
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Lisa at Practically Intuitive
replied:
on April 18th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
@michelle,
Michelle, this is it exactly! It’s fear of not being good enough, of failing in public, of worrying what others will think.
Kelly, wonderful post! Sometimes, we just have to be willing even if we’re not quite ready (or THINK we’re ready). I love Adele too … my sekrit boyfriend (David Cook, in case you really want to know) sang “Rolling in the Deep” at his recent show. He’s a fan of hers (as am I) so it was a wonderful synergistic moment.
Glad I popped over to see what you were up to!
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yes! this is exactly what i decided last week re. a diet change (going for the green goddess juice…watch me soar..) i’ll never be really ready to go for it, but for now i’m willing to do it, and roll with the change and openness that willingness brings.
i’m glad that you are so willing to write!
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Amen to that! Excuses are the things that make the difference between living and mediocrity. “I’m not ready” is a way of saying “I’m afraid” except that there is really nothing to be afraid of except fear itself. If you bring your best self to everything you do then there is no way you can fail…you will get a whole lot of feedback from the world, but you won’t fail. When you say “I’m not ready” you cheat yourself out of life.
I agree with Bridget’s comment that sometimes we have to do things before we are ready for other things but I think that’s still not the same as just stopping at “I’m not ready.” Because you’re still in action – you’re not just quitting on yourself before you start.
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I Loved the post!
Yes…it’s only “I really want to” or “I don’t want to”…’being ready’ is simply about our fear of the unknown..
Having said that I really hope I have the strength to do NOT postpone anything today because of my readiness and just plunge ahead and do it! I’ll definitely remember this post when that happens.
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Picture this: sitting at Mellow Mushroom with GFF who I have been going back and forth with for 4 years. She is under a wee bit of a commitment timeline and, at 49, hasn’t shared a home with anyone since the late ’80′s.
I am waiting for pizza reading this post going “wow, wow.” Look over and say “have you read Kelly Diel’s latest?”. On her phone she does.
3 days (4 years?) later she asks, knees a’knockin, and I say yes. She says “that Kelly Diel’s piece really did it”.
You can’t learn to swim on dry land. Sister.
Thank you.
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[...] I learned that you’re never really ready, but you can sure as hell be willing. [...]
So true. If we wait to be ready we won’t ever be. I’ve read your blog forever and adore you to death.
I am passing along this blogger award (even if you don’t do awards) because you’re awesome.
http://solitarymama.com/2011/04/thank-you-and-i-mean-that-not-just-because-it-starts-with-a-letter-t/
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…and it applies to novel-writing just as much as anything else. This is the form my Resistance takes: not being ready enough. Needing more research, outlining, dreamtime, incubation, life experience, etc.,etc.,etc.
You don’t have to be ready.
You just have to show up.
Thanks for this.
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