Convince Me Not
- By Kelly Diels
- 28 March, 2011
- 48 Comments
My guy comes with an instruction manual. It’s verbal. It’s a blessing. It goes something like this:
“Don’t try to convince me.”
And this is the most significant, life- and relationship-changing advice anyone has ever given me.
But he had to tell me twice. I didn’t really get it the first time, because getting it would have required some hard work.
As in, changing my ways.
Because I have spent half my life convincing men. And with this much experience, a skilled tongue and an inborn facility with language, I know I’m pretty good at it. I can almost always get the man in my sights to do what I want.
And this, dearest darlingest reader, is a terrible skill to have.
Inveterate partner-convincing is both the product of and root conditions necessary for insecurity. It is also very closely related to The Shit Test, which can be a useful pre-relationship filter but, later, is a relationship-fracturing device.
Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say I want something. Let’s say that something is a trip to Cuba. Let’s say my partner doesn’t want to go to Cuba. He’s not opposed to Cuba, per se, it’s just that this year he wants to go to Vienna. But I want to go to Cuba. And so I mount a campaign. I talk and I talk and I talk. I talk about the classic cars (oh, he LIKES classic cars), the dancing (he likes dancing), the gorgeous Cuban women (perhaps uniquely amongst heterosexual males, he likes gorgeous women), the language, the culture, the pictures of Che EVERYWHERE (he likes Che and wonders when there will be an epic movie already). And then I find a screaming, smoking hot travel deal wherein the travel agent and Castro himself will pool their pennies to pay us to travel to Cuba. That’s how the universe works. God and Castro are insisting we go to Cuba. We’ve got to go. I mean, what would Che say if we said no?
My guy is convinced. We’ll go to Cuba. You’d think I’d be happy, right? I got my way.
But the entire time we’re there, I will worry that he’s not having a good time. I will worry that secretly he wants to be in Vienna. When we are driving some rustic, ancient Cadillac through Havana, I’ll worry that secretly he’d rather be on a train on the outskirts of Vienna. When we’re drinking mojitos I’ll suspect he’s craving coffees with whipped cream and liqueur. When we’re at a salsa club I’ll wonder if he’d rather be waltzing.
And so I’ll shit-test him. I’ll set conversational traps designed to get him to reveal the hidden depths of his resentment and his covert eagerness to be out of Cuba and away from this woman who makes him do things he doesn’t want to do.
That’s where convincing lands me. In a staked pit of insecurity.
And that’s just a vacation. Imagine the results when I apply my dubious art of convincing to commitment, marriage, mortgages and babies.
When I convince my partner to do something, I deny myself the certainty that he chose it. That he chose me. That he chose this thing we’re doing – a movie, a vacation, a happily-ever-after – because he wants it too.
The sweetest moments in the history of my love with my loverloverman are the moments when he said or did something incredible that I did not see coming. I did not engineer those moments or those words. I did not prompt them or bait them. They surprised me.
And when that happens – and it does, over and over again – I feel secure. I stop laying traps. I stop wondering if he’s ensnared by my powers of convincing and trust that he’s here because he loves me.
Learning this – not just knowing it on an intellectual level, but knowing it on a cellular level – has changed the way I walk in the world.
Now, when I want something – whether it be commitment or Cuba – I tell him what it means to me and then I give him the space to give it to me when he’s ready. When I don’t like something, instead of marshalling the evidence and structuring my unassailable case – you know, convincing him to stop that shit – I simply tell him how I feel. I tell him I don’t like something, it hurts me, and I leave it at that. I walk away from the issue and the wannabe argument for a couple of days.
And I trust. I trust that his heart is good and that his conscience is even better.
And I know both of these things are true.
And here’s what else I know:
You don’t have to convince the right man to do the right thing. That’s who he is. That’s what he does.
And what I’ve learned in love also applies to business: you don’t have to convince your people to be there with you. If you’ve got a skill and can help people, you don’t have to lay traps (aka conventional sales pages, gimmicky offers, false discounts, faux scarcity, fake prices – $99.99 isn’t fooling anyone) to catch ’em and keep ’em.
In matters of business and the heart, you don’t have to be a lonely hunter.
You can be a loving, vegan, stiff-spined social justice mystic. You can be an everyday Gandhi. You can be the change you want to see in the world.
(Or in your bedroom, at a coffee shop in Vienna, in your workshop or at a conference table.)
You don’t have to convince. You just have to ask. Then be patient. Trust.
Trust yourself. Trust your love. Trust that you’ve picked the right passion, the right partner and the right people.
About the author
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Ok, I am jumping up and down here – this is wonderfulawesome! Damn, this is IT!! Huge smile!! Thanks for sharing this – so true, so true~ (jeez, i’m near speechless — tho still babbling…)
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:34 am
I’ve been talking this point through for months/weeks/days and it was time to be written. You make me glad to have gotten it down. mwah.
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OMG THANK YOU Kelly! This was SO what I needed to read today. I loved it so much I am forwarding it to my man with a “I’m sincerely sorry for all the times I have done this to you. I love you.”
Thank you again. This is one of those few posts I have read lately that will haunt me in the best of ways. I can tell already
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:33 am
omgoodness that is delicous. You dabeesknees baby.
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Ok, hands down the BEST article on authenticity I’ve read this year. And I’ve read quite a few. Superb writing, Kelly, simply superb.
This is going out to some friends, right now!
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kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:33 am
you just rocked my world.
When I think about why I write, a song (No Heroine) by Ani DiFranco plays in my head:
So when you say you liked the piece so much that you’re forwarding it to friends…I feel like I’m getting it right.
Thank you so much.
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I’m in love with your writing. It’s been awhile since you’ve shown up in my inbox, and so I pounced on today’s missive.
Not only a delight to read, but much wisdom scattered through out too.
Get’s me excite,d reading this kind of thing.
So thank you!
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:25 am
darling, you are so very welcome. I’m glad you pounced on it…and wrote this sweet note. Thank you!
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Oh hon. I love this so very very much.
Beyond YES.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:24 am
sweetie the way you said that was like I was looking in a mirror. We speak in the same voice. (One Goddess to another, OBVIOUSLY.)
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I love this. And it’s so true. Thank you for saying it, and talking about the pitfalls of convincing. Very useful in both relationships and business.
My guy is also not someone to be persuaded. He either wants to, or he doesn’t, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. He has this little cop-out, which is “whatever you want, dear”, but I want very much that we both be happy, so we work it out.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:23 am
I don’t like the “whatever you want, dear”, either. I think I’ve become too much of a harmony tyrant. If he’s going to acquiesce, but resent me, then I’d rather not have that thing I supposedly want. I’d much rather that we found a way for us both to win. I think this means I’m finally growing up.
(Only took me 38 years and two weeks to do!)
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It is so cool the way you do that. The way you take a seemingly minor aspect of your life and weave it into a story to which I (and others, ya?) can connect. And not just connect, but feel and find a pause with, “Wait. What was that? Hey – that’s right. No. That’s hyoooge!!!” Good stuff, the way you weave your words and make your connections. Thank you.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:21 am
darling, thank you for noticing. This is both my mission and my methodology: to use the faults and fault lines of my life as an opportunity for connection and story. (I call it “cleavage” because cleavage literally means the cracks and shadows and lines between things.)
I’m convinced that intimate storytelling is my path to love, community, art and business.
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As a man, all I can say is your man is lucky. Well… now he is, anyway.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:18 am
am forwarding this comment to him with the note “see…I TOLD YOU SO”.
Oh wait maybe that would undermine your point. Drat.
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Great article. Why am I the only male so far who has responded to this? And what you’ve said is EXACTLY right. At least, for me. I expect most of the men I know would also agree.
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I knew there was a reason why I’ve felt so squeamish about joining the ranks of doing conventional sales pages, gimmicky offers, false discounts, faux scarcity, fake prices, aka $99.99 — I just couldn’t put my finger on it. But you did. Thanks so much for doing that. An amazing post.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:17 am
Here’s what I think: there isn’t anything wrong with doing any of those things – they work, after all – unless they don’t feel right to you. Lots of times, lots of them don’t feel right to me.
(That being said, I OFTEN get paid to write sales pages, but even the seemingly formulaic sales pages I write are fun and real and emotional, because I want everything I do for my clients and myself to have heart and soul.)
And when the formula doesn’t feel right, or is unappealing, then there is an incredible opportunity for creativity and authenticity. Don’t like long sales pages? Don’t use them. Last year, with her launch of The FireStarter Sessions, Danielle LaPorte didn’t use a long sales page. Her sales page is more of a note. And FSS sold like KAHRAZY.
We can actually apply our art and our creativity to the sales, marketing and administrative functions of our business. We can make gorgeous marketing campaign and unique approaches to sales.
It’s all an opportunity for art.
And commerce.
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OK. The waiting and waiting to hear your voice has been excruciating, but clearly, reading this, SO worth it!
Perfect words for me – in love and in biz-life. You’re ALWAYS speaking my language and touching my heart, woman. Thank you!
MWAH!
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:37 am
darling, I’m sorry to have caused you excruciation. (And I’m pretty sure that’s never been a word ’til now.)
Will it make you happy to know that the reason I’ve been neglecting this space is because I’ve been feverishly working on MORE pieces, more content, my Red Shoe Blogger book, a new business partnership with Amanda Farough, and another site (the launches of both things are IMMINENT)?
So…there will be more of everything very soon. Promise.
PS LOVE YOU
[Reply]
Bruce, you’re not. I beat ya to it.
By the way, I know what people mean when they say “fake prices,” but really there’s no such thing. There is pricing that maybe isn’t very well thought-out, but for most part pricing is usually what the market will bear and what it’s used to. We all know and respond to $99 more readily than $100. That one dollar makes a huge difference and there’s nothing “fake” about it.
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LOVE IT, Kelly. Love, love, love it, discovered the own thing in my relationship, hadn’t made the business connection, but it’s an enlightening one. Thanks, as always, for being awesome.
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I don’t have that ability to convince, but that doesn’t make asking or trusting any easier. Maybe I’m the only person I should try to convince. Stunning read, Kelly. Thanks.
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Yes, madam.
Not convincing has freed up so much energy in my life! That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make the case. Making the case for what we want when we are standing in our center and leaving space for our listener to stand in his center how ever different it is from ours.
This is sexy and true.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:10 am
AMEN
[Reply]
Incredible insight, Kelly. So many people just don’t get it. They don’t question their motivations. They sadly don’t understand themselves, and that means, they don’t know who they are, or who we are. Your wisdom of course applies to everyone: men, bosses, police officers, teachers, caregivers, moms, dads, even teenagers, if it’s possible to look outside the bubble at that age.
And you also understand why others try to convince YOU, which expands your empathy and tolerance. Yes…it pays to think things through.
By the way, Steven Soderbergh directed an epic movie about Che in 2008. It was titled: “CHE” Parts one and two.
But maybe you knew that.
Irv
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 8:59 am
Irving, you are sooooooo right. We can apply this to other people, not just lovers and clients – and to ourselves. The result is patience, compassion, and gentleness.
And I did NOT know there is an epic Che movie…but we WILL be watching it this weekend. Thanks for the tip – and the thoughtful comment.
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This is AMAZING. I have been struggling with this lately. I have been doing great work but I am hustling to get the money so I do all this stuff because I feel like I create the goodness on my own. I NEED to take a step back and trust.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:04 am
You know what helps me? I think about it like farming. You’re planting seeds right now, and it takes time for those seedlings to sprout, mature and blossom. Harvest time is still a ways off…but it is coming.
And what I used to do is respect those seasons: for a couple of months I’d plant seeds (look for clients); then I’d tend them; then I’d finish the job (harvest); collapse (rest/winter); then I’d be broke and ready to start planting seeds all over again.
But what I’ve recently started doing is a low-level of seed-planting all the time. That way every month is harvest…and no month is the hungry end of winter.
[Reply]
Shenee
replied:
on March 29th, 2011 at 9:41 am
I am trying Kelly. I really am. It is just really really hard and it’s not just my soul at stake but my livelihood. I have to work and live and I am struggling with both but I will try to make peace with the process.
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Heck yeah! This is so on target…so incredibly, deliciously on target and perfect. In business, this is particularly challenging since I’m in a new direction and want to make things happen. but my soul knows I need to put it out their and wait. I know in my soul this is the thing. It’s so true in love…it’s true in life. I think that’s the deal. The principles are the same and trust is huge for getting the juiciest bits out of life, love, and business.
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dang it kelly. those are some powerful words. i can be persuasive but i’d prefer to transform that to simply sharing – then more space for other is implied in the mix.
LOVE reading your insights!
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[...] The best we can do is support each other and keep moving forward and try to survive The Dip Seth Godin keeps talking about. Like Kelly says, we just have to put it out there and trust that it will happen. [...]
A click, on a click, on a click and here I am. What can I say, truly awesome insight, superb writing, brilliant sharing.
I’m a new fan.
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Omg. Word.
Triple Word.
“You don’t have to convince the right man to do the right thing.” This is something it has taken me a really long, painful, ouchy time to learn, and I continue to remind myself. And you just hit the nail every so squarely on the head.
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Send this in – the shortest (and most empowering) marriage/relationship improvement book ever written. I could have collaborated with you 5 years ago when my life changed for the better, but I still need the reminders. Thank you.
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Love this post. Recently discovered your blog and so much of what you write really resonates. I love your earlier comment quoting Ani.
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[...] Convince Me Not – by Kelly Diels [...]
[...] Kelly Diels: Convince Me Not [...]
[...] Convince Me Not [...]
wow! let’s just say that this post is the equivalent of a miracle. i was just this minute weighing up a situation where i was on the verge on going into convincing mode and then i decided to check your site and “wow! see what i find?!” so powerful. thank you for sharing your wisdom in such a fun and sassy way. gratitude. (p.s: i’ve dropped the convincing mission. and yes, i know how insecurity-inducing convincing can be.)
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I wish you could have written this post maybe three or four or 14 years ago, so maybe I coulda learned the lesson easier (probably not, but there’s always wishing!). Instead it took me almost 40 years to get it.
Better late than never, right? So– is there ever any way to get out of the “insecurity zone” about those things you convinced people into BEFORE you learned the lesson? In some areas of my life, this is having long term consequences…
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“You don’t have to convince the right man to do the right thing.”
oof – that one hit me right smack in the head
i’ve been lamenting if only I’d said this, or told him that, he would’ve made different choices and I wouldn’t be in this weird “kinda widow, kinda divorcee” place.
But, maybe not. Maybe it wasn’t up to me to fix it or him. Hmm – food to ponder
[Reply]
[...] favorite posts: This I Know. Convince Me Not. Stroke the Face of [...]
You write so beautifully.
You write about being a woman. You talk about red shoes. But the way you talk about them brings my radial arm saw into focus.
You write about being a woman in a way that a guy can understand.
As an avid gardener, I have forget-me-nots; you have fun
fur. Should you ever feel the urge to celebrate D.H. Lawrence…
[Reply]
[...] And then I realized I didn’t have to, because the very act of convincing unconvinced him. So I stopped convincing him. I stopped scheming and plotting to get what I wanted…and now I have to be careful about [...]
[...] It is pointless for me to say any more. Kelly says it better. You should go and read her article in full…here. [...]