nomaddawhat
- By Kelly Diels
- 18 December, 2010
- 25 Comments
You know, sometimes – lots of times – maybe even most of the time – you won’t get your needs met.
(I’m saying you but I mean I.)
It’s weird how we structure romantic relationships as transactions. You’d think that when someone takes up residence in our hearts, we’d let them settle in. Stay. Take on that mortgage.
(Mort, in French, means death. Gage means pledge. Romantic, if you take the long view.)
Instead, they’re squatting. We’re looking for reasons to kick them out.
Girlfriends give the worst love advice. Best practices fall from their lips and their love for us makes them intolerant. He’s hurting you, he’s screwing up, he’s gotta go. No matter the obstacles that she and her husband/wife/lover have themselves overcome or that overcoming obstacles – most of them internal – is how we love.
Most of us quit when we run into obstacles. As a culture, we’re not hurdlers.
I’ve written before – and it’s too terse and cogent to be mine so I’m sure I’ve stolen it from someone, my apologies – that the essential injustice in relationships is that it takes two people to get into one but only one to get out.
That’s why death pledges - ’til death us do part – are so rare. We’re looking for gratification, mostly instant, in our relationships. When things aren’t gratifying, when they’re boring or hard or even hurtful, we give up.
I gave up a lot this year.
I often do that.
And the last three months have been drama. Trauma. Drama and trauma and not all of it rooted in relationship woes but a huge chunk of it was.
And I didn’t do what I usually do. I didn’t give up. I didn’t ask for advice and I didn’t follow the rules or best practices. I went all out and all in.
I didn’t give up.
Well, I did a couple of times.
I chose someone else over him. He said, I love you. I know you’ll come back.
I came back.
And then he wasn’t giving me what I wanted – something important, that he should have done – and on the phone, I said I’d had it. I said I can’t do this anymore. I said, Call me when you’re ready to be my partner. I said, Good-bye.
And I was right. He was deeply mothafuckin’ wrong. We both knew it. Anybody to whom I would have told the story would have agreed. Applauded me. Brought wine and ice cream.
But when I got off the phone, I thought, What do I want?
I want us.
Nomaddawhat.
I dug in. I leapt that hurdle. I trusted myself. I told him “I can’t do this” but I thought I can do this.
I can get through this bullshit. I can endure. I can settle so hard into my shoes that I feel the earth or the stage – whatever occasion and opportunity presents – through my five-inch heels.
I can do this. I will do this. I will fight. I will not give up.
Because, for the most part, the things in life I regret are not the things I’ve done.
I regret the things I haven’t done: when I didn’t defend someone, when I didn’t say what I really thought, when I played it safe and gave up, when I walked away without knowing that I tried everything.
And so this time, I thought, no regrets. I will not be the one who gives up. I will not give up on us before I’ve even started to try.
Nomaddawhat.
And so I got off the phone, even though I was right, and got into my car and drove to his house, which was probably wrong.
He answered the door with blanket wrapped around him. He looked like someone had been beating him for days. Someone had. He didn’t smile at me. I didn’t smile at him. He extended one arm to me with his green comforter draping off it like the cape of a superhero. I walked into his arms and we took that comforter to bed. We talked. Cried. Kissed. Talked. Cried. He sighed and said, Why is this fucking bitch so fucking persistent?
And I knew we’d be ok.
Nomaddawhat.
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Funny timing, this….
I discovered this just as I had my fingers on the keys to type the “I’m not sure I can do this any more” email.
Hmmm….
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on December 18th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
@Jesse, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm indeed.
“I’m not sure…”
revealing.
But I could be wrong. I am wrong quite often. And of course my story is not your story.
[Reply]
So tempting, seductive even to say “I can’t do this anymore!”
When, really, I can. Just like you.
I’ve said we’re in this for the long haul. And that doesn’t mean I won’t throw a tantrum now and then, nor does it mean I’ll settle for the humdrum rut that keeps trying to lure us in.
I’m in it for the long haul.
Sometimes? That feels like death and other times? It’s exactly the perfect place for me to be.
Thanks for writing this and reminding me.
[Reply]
Nomaddawhat. I’m SO there.
Love this, woman. And love the love that’s goin’ on.
[Reply]
Through everything, there’s been this sticking power that sort of transcended all the other bullshit. And while I believe in the power of dig in for the long haul, if shit doesn’t change, it’s time to kiss him/her/it to the wind. No sense in being a marathon hurdler if your reward is a brick wall.
But you and him: you’ve got it. Sparks. A bit of magic. A whole lot of guts and sticking it through. That’s to be admired. THAT is real thing. With you all the way, love.
[Reply]
wow Kelly – you’ve described my year. And that line “til death us do part” was what made me try again. We’d promised that in front of family & friends – so for better or worse we’re going to make it work. If I can, you can too. You’re amazing & brave to write so honestly. Thank you
[Reply]
I’ve missed you, Kellyheart. Because you make my world a little clearer and juicier every time you write.
MWAH!
[Reply]
Yeah, I kinda figured you were going through some tough times when you stopped blogging for a while. Glad you’re talking to us again.
Love… What is that REALLY about? Here’s my take on it, when it comes to finding a soul mate.
I think when we seek “love” generated by someone else, what we are actually striving for is VALIDATION. That validation, that one-on-one social proof, allows us to then LOVE OURSELVES. That’s a reconnection with our Soul, and when that happens, we feel light, free, confident and optimistic.
However, because of parental upbringing, we are taught that we need permission to respect our own life history, our reason for being. First that permission comes from Mom and Dad. Then that validation source changes to our lovers. That’s why “Love” seems to flourish when we first meet another soul. At the start of a relationship, expectations have yet to be established, so disappointments are few. As commitments begin to take hold, validation requirements are set in place, and each partner needs a different set of variables to get that feeling of worthiness. Sometimes those validation requirements are conflicting and that’s when the relationship goes south. Beyond that, it takes two fairly secure and mature people to make a committed relationship work. And also, core values have to be in alignment. With so many prerequisites needed to make a marriage work, it’s a wonder that any Death Pledge works at all.
But some do. And I assure you, it’s definitely worth the struggle.
Irv
[Reply]
We are a culture of non-hurdlers. That makes me sad. But at the same time, isn’t that right to walk away also a great boon to us? It gives us the freedom and choice of action? Some don’t have that luxury…
Even still, we exercise excuse far too often. I love your story. I love that you followed what you wanted, followed something and worked. It is always work. We shouldn’t be disenchanted…that it will all just flow together effortlessly. I love those that make it work, those that don’t sugarcoat, those that are partners, tried and true. Cheers to you. Missed your writing round these parts
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You know, I love you. That is all. #brilliant
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Wow. Great read.
Cheers,
Dyna
[Reply]
Sticking it out can be tough. You’re absolutely right that we’re not a nation of hurdlers. Particularly when dealing with a cheating spouse. Our knee-jerk reaction (how many of us have said it?) is to kick the bum out on his cheating ass.
But.
But what if he’s also the father of your children. A great father.
But what if he really screwed up and KNOWS he really screwed up and pledges to spend the rest of his life making it up to you. And then he actually does!
Well, if you’re like a lot of women, you don’t stick around to see.
Which is why sticking it out and struggling to find forgiveness and healing can be so tough. Because others mistake your strength for weakness. Your backbone for a doormat.
So you do what you suggest, Kelly. You keep it to yourself, knowing that if you don’t, your friends will growl like Mother Bears and give you the best-intentioned advice but not advice you want.
And you stick it out.
[Reply]
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ah. i’ve read this twice already and each time, it’s brought tears to my eyes. thank you for sharing.
xomeg
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