First Comes Love, Then Comes…a (Possible) Capitulation. Let me know if you see a white flag.
- By Kelly Diels
- 24 September, 2010
- 13 Comments
Chapter 1
Dave: I think you are a very old-fashioned girl at heart.
Kelly: You and I have come to a very, very similar conclusion. I had an epiphany on Saturday about that…I went to a steamy, sexalicious party and although everyone was hot – really hot, gorgeous in fact – it left me cold. I looked smokin’, I was happy to prance around looking cute, but I didn’t want to touch or be touched. I was utterly unapproachable. I should have gone to a regular ol’ night club and posed. Instead, I fucking scampered out of there early because I was eager to keep chatting/phoning/emailing/sweet-talking my Church boy. And just seeing his face on video – God Bless Skype, for real – made me wetter than watching people fuck in front of me. And I realized: oh hell, desire is a love thing for me.
Kelly: So I surrender. I am what I am.
Dave: Maybe you can let your hair grow back to that beautiful brown color?
Kelly: That could happen. I’m contemplating red right now, however. So tell me what you mean by “old fashioned girl”?
Dave: Monogamous and faithful.
Kelly: Yep. We are totally on the same page.
Dave: Commit to who you are, the right men will show up. They will even become attractive.
Chapter 2.
Dave: What about all the feminist theory? Can you fit it in?
Kelly: Ms. Hidary nailed it: “My pussy burns in the feminist hall of shame because I want to be someone’s girl“.
Dave: I figured that was the line you’re going to highlight.
Kelly: It’s fucken brilliant. And “the last goddamn kaiser roll in the bodega” is so much rarer and more precious than diamonds and jewels…I’m giving up recreational sex.
Dave: Good.
Kelly: I can’t handle it.
Dave: Most people can’t, neither men nor women. Some people, both men and women, can handle it just fine.
Chapter 3.
Kelly: I have no frame of reference or experience with not sleeping with someone right away. Every single significant relationship I ever had started with a bang. Literally.
Dave: Try just hanging out instead.
Kelly: Yeah. Old school.
Dave: Go floral.
Kelly: What? Floral?
Dave: I believe you mean “Whut!?”
Kelly: Are you recommending I wear floral prints?
Dave: Yep. Wear a dress.
Kelly: I almost always wear dresses.
Dave: Nothing says “Lady” like floral.
Kelly: Gack.
Dave: Even Paris looks like a lady in floral.
Kelly: Dude. I have no doubt that I present myself as a motherfucken lady. I only hooch it up for special occasions. I am just built in such a way that no matter what I wear, I’m kabang!
Dave: High neck. No v-neck.
Kelly: The problem isn’t my clothes. It is me. I’m competitive. If I want someone, I must have him. And he will capitulate pretty easily in the beginning.
Dave: Whether he is worth wanting or not?
Kelly: Exactly.
Chapter 4.
Dave: How are you going to protect yourself and your man from your natural, feminine destructiveness? Your inner Kali?
Kelly: I think I need a pretty strong man.
Dave: Oh I know that.
Kelly: Yes. But I don’t tend to date them. I’m attracted to them. But I date the pretty boys.
Dave: But even a strong man who truly loves you is going to be helpless at some point.
Kelly: True. And I have destructive tendencies.
Dave: Yes you do.
Kelly: It is the inner Kali and the artist.
Dave: And insecurity.
Kelly: Artists have to burn shit down or they can’t create anew, but it is a colossal waste of energy, frustrates momentum…I’m kinda hoping maturity is the answer. We simply tend not to divorce the older we get. That’s why our national divorce rate is actually declining right now: because our population is aging. So I’m hoping age will work in my favour – by the time I get married again, I won’t have the energy to incinerate it. That, and I’ve already burned and been burned so often that if I do manage to be in the kind of relationship I desire, I’ll treasure it – and him – enough to take care. I’ll protect it.
Kelly: It isn’t a coherent strategy, but it could work.
Dave: It could. I hope so.
Chapter 5.
Dave: See, I’m in an interesting position here. I don’t want to see you get hurt, again. But I also want to see you find That Man.
Kelly: Oh honey, that’s my favourite position.
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So much truth my head is aching! Great one. I’ve wondered lately if some women act more independent than they want to be partly because they are convinced there is not a man out there worth trusting. You get burned enough…
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seven million yesses. i love that you are saying all of this. thank you.
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Kelly, as an artist myself, I truly understand what you mean by having to burn shit down in order to create anew. It’s frustrating, aggravating, heartbreaking, etc., etc., etc., and you are right about it being a colossal waste of energy. Unfortunately, from personal experience maturity hasn’t been the answer. I just turned 54 and was married 24 years. After our children started college, my husband fell in love with a co-worker(2 years older than our son and she enjoyed dating married men) and he left me for her. We’ve been divorced now for 5 years.
I never thought in a million years I would be in my 50s, starting over again, looking for true love. I’ve also burned and been burned, but that doesn’t derail me from my journey to find the kind of relationship I want and deserve. I have old fashion values too. I believe in monogamous and faithful relationships. However, I’ve found at my age, most of the men I meet want younger women or casual sex. I’ve been asked out so many time by married men, that I’ve asked myself this question, “Is anyone faithful anymore”. When I meet someone new, I always ask if they are married. I’ve had several respond, “Does it matter?” and I say, “YES IT MATTERS!!!!”, plus a few other choice words.
I chose finding love over having casual sex. I believe sexual intimacy and passion are only two of the many beautiful benefits of a loving relationship, not the other way around.
I think my mouth has runneth over. Kelly, you have a beautiful soul, love and accept yourself completely just the way you are because to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
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“Dave: Commit to who you are, the right men will show up. They will even become attractive.
Kelly: This is why I keep fucking up: because I’m not honest ‘bout who I am. I want love or nothing.”
Truth is King.
I love this Kelly – stepping into our own authenticity. Owning it. Owning ourselves.
I have no doubt the universe will provide…
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You know what’s weird? I had a dream about you last night (before I knew about this post). We were having coffee together, and I was telling you about the two kinds of men out there: bed-hoppers and bed-warmers, and that it seemed to me you are wanting to find a bed-warmer, while marketing yourself to bed-hoppers. (AKA: You aren’t being honest to yourself about who you are.)
Those guys that hop into your bed (and many others) are super-sexy-hot, but they fizzle in the long run. The others, the ones that stick around and keep your bed warm and cozy every single night, they can seem a little dull at first, in comparison… but their embers glow indefinitely. You have to CHOOSE which type you’re after (Commit to who you are) in order to attract and keep the right one.
There’s a Lemony Snicket quote I love (and have lived): “The central theme of Anna Karenina is that a rural life of moral simplicity, despite its monotony, is the preferable personal narrative to a daring life of impulsive passion, which only leads to tragedy.”
The notion that you can conquer and tame the super-sexy-manwhore and turn him into loving husband and father really only works in Harlequin novels. Trust me… Lord knows I tried.
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i love how you thread your stories kelly, i just end up wandering through your blog for hours!
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You know I’m with you, except for the dating pretty boys part (though I like to make out with them, I have no interest in their dangly parts).
I’m a far bigger slut in my mind than I’ve ever, ever been in real life.
I’m taking a breather from it all. FROM IT ALL. It is all about me right now. I’m tired of the yearning and striving.
I didn’t know you and Church Boy were staying in touch. Fingers crossed…
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The serendipity in our journeys astounds me sometimes.
I am also finally owning who I am, a woman who desires to dive into the depths of love rather than play in the shallows. I am also a woman who believes that sharing sexual energy is sacred and that I need to be careful whose energy I allow to blend with my own. I am owning what I truly desire rather than just accepting what’s offered and feels good in the moment. I am owning that just because I am a leader in our local sex-positive community, that doesn’t mean I have to be down for casual sex. Being sex-positive is about celebrating sexual diversity. I need to celebrate who I am sexually.
I just let go of the love of my life this week because while I desire a partner relationship, he won’t give me even half of his free time because he wants intimate relationships with other women, both platonic and sexual. He’d rather spending more time playing in the shallows with several than dive into the deep with me. I finally realized that spending more time longing for him than having him isn’t working for me. Love mostly from a distance isn’t enough for me. I desire more. I deserve more.
In this case burning in Kali’s Fire is freeing me to find the relationship that’s right for me. It’s a good burn, although it hurts like hell right now.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on September 24th, 2010 at 10:17 am
@April, Seriously, April, we share the same hive-mind (and experience).
This was EXACTLY my issue. I’ve honestly been wondering how I can be sex-positive and an ally for my freaky peeps AND write about how *I* am not being capable of indulging in recreational sex.
But, ultimately, there’s no conflict. The conflict comes with doing things sexually that aren’t good for my well-being – and THAT is the anti-thesis of sex positive. That’s robotic, got-something-to-prove “sexuality”, which isn’t sexy (or fulfilling) at all. As Susie Bright writes, “The blow job queen of today is the celibate of tomorrow.”
[Reply]
Jess
replied:
on September 24th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
@Kelly Diels, YES. I know the Susie Bright story of which you speak. It’s really about, WHY are you sexing?
[Reply]
We are so much alike, except for the wantin’ babies thing. It didn’t stop until I used the mantra, “Any man would be lucky to have me.” Not when I was all tarted up and ready to go out, but in those really lonely moments when I felt like no one would want me.
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