Dave: I think you are a very old-fashioned girl at heart.
Kelly: You and I have come to a very, very similar conclusion. I had an epiphany on Saturday about that…I went to a steamy, sexalicious party and although everyone was hot – really hot, gorgeous in fact – it left me cold. I looked smokin’, I was happy to prance around looking cute, but I didn’t want to touch or be touched. I was utterly unapproachable. I should have gone to a regular ol’ night club and posed. Instead, I fucking scampered out of there early because I was eager to keep chatting/phoning/emailing/sweet-talking my Church boy. And just seeing his face on video – God Bless Skype, for real – made me wetter than watching people fuck in front of me. And I realized: oh hell, desire is a love thing for me.
Kelly: So I surrender. I am what I am.
Dave: Maybe you can let your hair grow back to that beautiful brown color?
Kelly: That could happen. I’m contemplating red right now, however. So tell me what you mean by “old fashioned girl”?
Dave: Monogamous and faithful.
Kelly: Yep. We are totally on the same page.
Dave: Commit to who you are, the right men will show up. They will even become attractive.
Dave: What about all the feminist theory? Can you fit it in?
Kelly: Ms. Hidary nailed it: “My pussy burns in the feminist hall of shame because I want to be someone’s girl“.
Dave: I figured that was the line you’re going to highlight.
Kelly: It’s fucken brilliant. And “the last goddamn kaiser roll in the bodega” is so much rarer and more precious than diamonds and jewels…I’m giving up recreational sex.
Kelly: I can’t handle it.
Dave: Most people can’t, neither men nor women. Some people, both men and women, can handle it just fine.
Kelly: I have no frame of reference or experience with not sleeping with someone right away. Every single significant relationship I ever had started with a bang. Literally.
Dave: Try just hanging out instead.
Kelly: Yeah. Old school.
Dave: Go floral.
Kelly: What? Floral?
Dave: I believe you mean “Whut!?”
Kelly: Are you recommending I wear floral prints?
Dave: Yep. Wear a dress.
Kelly: I almost always wear dresses.
Dave: Nothing says “Lady” like floral.
Kelly: Dude. I have no doubt that I present myself as a motherfucken lady. I only hooch it up for special occasions. I am just built in such a way that no matter what I wear, I’m kabang!
Dave: High neck. No v-neck.
Kelly: The problem isn’t my clothes. It is me. I’m competitive. If I want someone, I must have him. And he will capitulate pretty easily in the beginning.
Dave: Whether he is worth wanting or not?
Dave: How are you going to protect yourself and your man from your natural, feminine destructiveness? Your inner Kali?
Kelly: I think I need a pretty strong man.
Dave: Oh I know that.
Kelly: Yes. But I don’t tend to date them. I’m attracted to them. But I date the pretty boys.
Dave: But even a strong man who truly loves you is going to be helpless at some point.
Kelly: True. And I have destructive tendencies.
Dave: Yes you do.
Kelly: It is the inner Kali and the artist.
Dave: And insecurity.
Kelly: Artists have to burn shit down or they can’t create anew, but it is a colossal waste of energy, frustrates momentum…I’m kinda hoping maturity is the answer. We simply tend not to divorce the older we get. That’s why our national divorce rate is actually declining right now: because our population is aging. So I’m hoping age will work in my favour – by the time I get married again, I won’t have the energy to incinerate it. That, and I’ve already burned and been burned so often that if I do manage to be in the kind of relationship I desire, I’ll treasure it – and him – enough to take care. I’ll protect it.
Kelly: It isn’t a coherent strategy, but it could work.
Dave: It could. I hope so.
Dave: See, I’m in an interesting position here. I don’t want to see you get hurt, again. But I also want to see you find That Man.
Kelly: Oh honey, that’s my favourite position.