In The Burning Rays of Restless and Reckless, Don’t Forget to Wear Sunscreen
“You’re a reckless woman,” says my friend Joanie.
“I’m reckless?” I ask, incredulous. I spend my weekday evenings doing laundry and packing lunches. I spend my disposable income at Gymboree. On weekends, I’m spent. I don’t have the time, money or energy to be reckless.
“Restless,” Joanie corrects me. “Restless, not reckless. You’re a restless woman.
And this is true. Despite my suburban shackles – and I’m the one who owns the handcuffs – I have nomadic tendencies. I itch to travel. In the past, I’ve given away all my furniture and moved to another country. When it’s not working – even when it is – my instinct is to pitch it all and start over. I’m compelled to create clean slates. It is an urge so powerful it feels biochemical.
So yes, I’m restless.
And, when I think about it, I am reckless, too.
With my heart.
I accused someone of that recently (as in: yesterday): of being reckless with my heart. And right after I did that, I thought, oh dear. I’m accusing him of something I’m guilty of, too. Neither of us are taking care of my heart. Nobody in this sun-fired situation is wearing sunscreen. Baz Luhrman – “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts/Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours” – would not be impressed.
Horse. Barn door. Open. Too late to protest.
It’s paradoxical: I’ve marvelled at my friends and family who caution me – as though there is a risk-free approach to romance, as though any kind of love comes with a guarantee. I know that love is a risk; I know that most relationships end; I know that in every relationship – parents, friends, children, lovers – pain is around the corner. Loss is part of life and even playing it safe won’t keep you safe. I’ve railed for months and months – years, lifetimes – about how wrong it is to put training wheels on romance, but now I’ve realized that I’m taking necessary risks unnecessarily. I’m taking them with people who don’t warrant the leap or who allow me to jump alone (2:31).
It isn’t the risk that is the risk. My problem comes from who I’m choosing to risk it all with.
I’m a romantic and seasoned romantics are both optimists and fatalists. We know – and live by – this truth from Bob Marley:
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you…”
What I haven’t lived by, though, is the other part of that quote:
“…The trick is to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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ohh. too good. had to search back through twitter to find this. so glad i did. i hear you!
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The trick is definitely to find the ones worth suffering for…and they do exist but they often do not appear in the manner in which we wish. Therein lies the rub…what we wish for often shows up in unexpected ways.
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You nailed it. It’s not the risk we caution you about, it’s the people you risk it for. You have to go all out to have a love filled life.
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It’s ironic that the more love is shared between two people, and the more investment is put into their relationship, the easier it becomes for each partner to disappoint and bruise the other. And yet, the opposite is also true. The stronger an honest union becomes, the longer it lasts, the more hits it’s going to take to break it apart. But no marriage can tolerate betrayal. No friendship can. But what IS betrayal, beyond lying and cheating?
Sometimes betrayal can be a subtle condescending remark at a party. Put-downs, sometimes expressed as faux jokes, are NEVER funny. In fact, demeaning, verbal jabs can be the cruelest abuse of all. When struck with vicious sarcasm, confidence dies of a thousand tiny cuts. It’s a slow death of the soul. And it happens all the time. Consequently, the moment I see that behavior from anyone, in any situation, I back away. And this observation leads me to ask, do I ever tongue-lash myself? Can I be cruel?
I was last week, to my adoring wife of thirty-five years. At the time I felt she deserved my words. She had broken into my conversation, a delicate discourse that I was trying to nurture with my nineteen year-old niece, a young lady I rarely see and who cares little about me. My family is NOT close. I’m trying to make it that way, and it the process, I drove my wife into the bedroom to weep in solitude. I heated the pain further when I found her there sobbing at the window. We argued about feelings. We fought about “over-reacting”. And our war solved nothing. I left the room feeling angry and wanted to punish her even more in my mind, which I did, and it tore my heart apart because I knew she didn’t deserve it.
And so last night I brought it up and we talked it out, and then we talked about it again, and then again. And now it’s okay. But only because we have a relationship that has sailed through many storms, and we’re tougher sailors now. But also more fragile.
I can’t let that happen again. I betrayed my best friend. I betrayed myself.
Irv
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Oh, so so so so so so damn true. I write often of my own restlessness, and like you, I think I can be reckless with my affections and heart too. Tell me, though, how can we ascertain who is worth suffering for before we fall in?
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I relate and must not be reckless with my heart or allow others to be reckless with it either. Yet, I am and I do….I know I must change this.
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Lindsey said, “how can we ascertain who is worth suffering for before we fall in?”
We can’t if we make it too easy. For us and for the other. There need to be some obstacles – this is what the old fashioned idea of courtship was about. We each need to know about the other: “Am I treasure enough for you to face your dragons?” The ones who can answer yes to this question are the ones worth suffering for – because that is you facing your dragons in turn.
This is the archetypal story contained in the fairy tales, sexist as they can be.
Love untested is not love at all, in the end.
Sorry if I sound pedantic, I’ve faced a few dragons in my time.
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kellydiels
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on September 22nd, 2010 at 9:29 am
@Lianne, old-fashioned is my theme right now. I’ll tell you more when we talk…xo
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Jess
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on September 22nd, 2010 at 1:59 pm
@Lianne, I agree on this one too – learned it the hard way.
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Renee Michelle (Michelmustro)
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on January 11th, 2011 at 2:13 am
@Lianne, ~
If the answer is not “YES, and YES to facing both dragons”, then a true friendship, love, and a courtship are worth investing in
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