This week I was intensely and disconcertingly drawn to someone I’ve never, ever met before. But, because he looked like someone I used to know – a man once who said something to me that might have changed the course of my life - I felt like I knew him. And so I immediately liked him a lot.
He reminded me of the friend of a man I dated ten years ago. I loved that guy a lot (the guy I dated, not his friend. Obviously, the other way around would have been inappropriate).
And that guy – the one I dated – drove me batty in both good and bad ways. Let’s call this guy “Prince”.
Prince was gorgeous, stylish, passionate, brave, and showed me his vulnerable side…and I adored that about him.
Prince was also new to the country and wanted to plant his fashionable
boot firmly on the back of my neck. He told me I asked too many
questions, talked too much, and he wanted me to mind him.
And that…well that I did NOT adore.
So we fought a lot (which, by the way, is HIGHLY unusual for me.
I’m definitely more of a lover than a fighter) and broke up a
lot. I cried a lot.
And one time, when we got back together, his friend Lucky came
over to talk to us.
Lucky said,
I know you two love each other a lot, but all this fighting and
crying and breaking up and getting back together is ridiculous. I’m glad that you’ve made up, and I hope it works out this time…I’m hoping that this time around you’ll be adults who will be rational and communicate with each other instead of fighting. If you’re fighting all the time, then something’s really wrong. That’s not love, that’s drama.
I was MORTIFIED. Here I was, a grown-ass woman of 27, and someone needed to talk to me as though I was a fourteen year old just figuring out
dating.
But…
The next time Prince and I had a fight – and our fights almost always
concluded in a (usually temporary) break-up – Lucky’s words echoed
in my head.
“Ridiculous. Communication. Adults. Drama.”
And I told Prince, “if you do what you usually do – refuse to speak to
me for a day or a week or three weeks – then when you are ready to talk to me, it will be too late. I’m not doing what we’ve been doing any more.”
And I meant it. And, sure enough, when he called three weeks later to apologize and tell me he loved me, I said, “I meant it. No more.”
And I SUFFERED. I wanted that guy so much.
But I didn’t want to be in a relationship that required interventions from friends. I didn’t want drama. I wanted love.
So I’m lucky that Lucky intervened. I’m lucky that he had the balls and the wisdom (and was exasperated enough!) to speak the truth.
And I carried that wisdom forward into my life.
Mostly.
And that’s who this guy resembles. Lucky.
Lucky me.
All things equal, lucky always wins.
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So you were drawn to him this week, and then what? Don’t leave us hanging here.
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Lucky may have given you the tools, but you had to pick them up and use them — and that part isn’t easy. I’ve been there — had my own epiphany on what I would and wouldn’t tolerate from men. As Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. There was a guy. And I was deeply, madly, passionately in love/lust with him. And he was a sh*t. Finally, after doing one of his disappearing acts, he called me out of the blue wanting to get together. I said, “I really don’t think we have anything to say to one another. Please don’t call me again.” Such a painful moment for me, cutting off my past and what I fantasized would be my future. And so empowering. From that moment, I never again let a man take advantage of me. It was a seminal moment in my life, and your writing brought it all back. Thanks – I can’t wait to hear if there’s more!
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You’re one of the deepest writers I actually enjoy reading so, looking beyond the obvious, I’m going to guess this is a post about communication not relationships.
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PicsieChick
replied:
on July 30th, 2010 at 7:41 am
@Siddhartha, I agree it’s deeper than it appears, but I’m thinking it’s more about our tendency to romanticize those who empower us, who help us save ourselves.
I know of what I speak. I’ve been crushing on Kelly since I found her blog.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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Yes there’s a lot of subtext here to talk about, and I think we can all relate to Kelly’s story. Certainly I can, because I run into people all the time who express behavior to me that breaks down our relationship. So I tell them about it, they apologize, promise me that they’ll change, and don’t.
This bring brings me to LEVEL TWO: Maybe it’s not my job to make them change. Perhaps I should either accept their behaviors or leave their lives.
But there’s a LEVEL THREE: What about myself? What behaviors do I express that disconnects people from MY life? And this question relates to the workplace as well. DO I change when I know my behavior is damaging my relationships? There is always room for improvements. Isn’t there? If I expect people to bend towards me, should I not also bend towards them, assuming I agree with their suggestions?
Bingo! I’ve arrived at LEVEL FOUR: Suppose I don’t accept their advice, and they are RIGHT about me. Suppose I choose not to change because I don’t believe them. Where does that leave me? In LEVEL FIVE I guess, without an answer…at least yet.
Irv
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Dave Doolin
replied:
on July 30th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
@Irving Podolsky, turtles, all the way down.
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Irving Podolsky
replied:
on July 30th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
@Dave Doolin, Turtles? I’m so far out of the loop I can’t figure that out.
Irv
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Dave Doolin
replied:
on August 3rd, 2010 at 6:17 pm
@Irving Podolsky, try a search on Google, find the Wikipedia link. It’s pretty funny.
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Okay okay what happened next? Need to know!
And Lucky should know that luck may open the door for you, buddy, but then you gotta step up and make it happen!
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Very interesting Blog, have never blogged but a co-work turned me on to Cleavage as he says I remind him of Kelly! And to my surprise, we are very similar! Can’t wait to read more!
Laura
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Reminded me of the song “Lucky”
And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music fill the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair…
We’re all lucky for anyone that crosses our paths with words that actually mean something.
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