boundaries vs disposable friendships: a checklist
- By Kelly Diels
- 6 July, 2010
- 18 Comments
…and this morning maybe I have the (possibly self-righteous) answer to the question that is haunting me:
(Or, in other words, not being a martyr or a doormat or hanging in there with someone who doesn’t truly care about me in words and deed.)
and the answer is…
A checklist. Clearly I’ve been body-snatched.
- Was I brave?
- Was I open-hearted?
- Did I ask for what I need?
- Could I do more to fix this?
- Did I offer and try my very best?
- Is the other person trying his/her very best, too?
- If I walk away, do I know, to my bones, that I did all I could do?
and, finally:
endings aren’t forever. They might just be for now. Sometimes we grow up and come back together. Sometime we grow apart. Sometimes we grow.
About the author
- More at
Nice list. Succinct and rounded. A beautiful burst of clarity.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on July 6th, 2010 at 6:37 am
@Rachael Stott, insomnia has its advantages.
[Reply]
“endings aren’t forever.” I’ll hold tight to that today, thanks. Your words always hit the spot.
[Reply]
Beautiful. Checklists have their place.
And from “endings aren’t forever” I go to the poster at the yoga studio:
“everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end yet”
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
I bet everyone has a phase of falling in love with your writing over and over again with each post when they are new to your blog. I will be bookmarking this. If I could add one more thing, it would be: Will I have any regrets? I think about that a lot in terms of doing my personal best. If I have no regrets, then there is not much more I can do.
And the song choice, DIVINE!
[Reply]
Hey Kelly…. I think you are on the something. I walked away from something last week and I had a similarly sleep-deprived checklist.
(1) Was I all “me”?
(2) Did I let them know how I feel with clarity?
(3) Did I take some risks?
(4) Can I walk away with no regrets?
Your last paragraph is the icing on the cake. The little extra that makes the other part not sting so much. It’s perfect.
[Reply]
YOU are beyond my peripheral vision, Kelly. Thanks for posting this.
[Reply]
Kelly, I’ve lost some good friends that way. There came a point where I checked every point off that list but my best friend just couldn’t do his part, which was simply to treat my girlfriend (wife now) with respect.
I got through it, but having that list and being able to look at it with certainty that I did everything I could made a lot of difference. It still hurt but at least there was no guilt or doubt. It was without a doubt the right thing to do.
Now if only I’d learned that lesson earlier in life.
.-= Carlos Velez´s last blog ..The Artist as a Brand- a Company- a Salesman =-.
[Reply]
Wonderful list. I put words down and out there that were my truth and were accepted by the other party so maybe we are both growing up.
[Reply]
Number 6 above reminds me of a metaphor my mom once gave me about a relationship… it feels as if you’re in a canoe, paddling upstream furiously only to look at the person behind you, who’s supposed to be in it with you, and he’s not even holding an oar, much less even pretending to paddle.
[Reply]
Jesse
replied:
on July 10th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
@Wendy, Yes. I got back in the canoe recently. I’m seeing that we are paddling in sync this time. It helped a lot that I quit hitting him over the head with my paddle each and every time he didn’t fulfill one of my needs. When I backed off, he started paddling more enthusiastically.
[Reply]
Dear Kelly,
I missed your July 4th commentary but read it with this one tonight. Synchronicity never ceases to amaze me! Just last week I ended two “friendship-TYPE” relationships because, as it turned out, they weren’t friendships to begin with. I ended another close connection four months ago, and my sister ended her relationship with ME over the past year. All of these disconnects happened for very different reasons, each deep and complicated; and as complex and primal as your previous post. One “friend” tried to rob me of my self esteem and confidence. The second “friend” would not stop denying his insincerity, false affection, and basic disinterest in my life. The third “friend,” while dying of cancer, sucked me into his black hole of rage, retaliation, and self destruction. And my sister? Well, since she abruptly stopped talking to me, without explanation, I can only surmise her reasons. But I suspect our parting is a gift in disguise.
How do I feel about these break-ups? Like you, I’ve asked the same questions, and my conclusion is this, as I’ve said it before: Surface and casual “friendships” are fine, but they don’t feed my soul. The relationship I seek, be it a marriage or a intimate friendship, must be grounded in honesty, loyalty, and commitment. Anything less than that is disposable.
Yet… I still wonder, am I expecting too much of people? Should I judge behavior by MY standards? Or theirs? Ya know what, Kelly? Probably both. But still, my heart knows what it needs to grow, both for myself and the person I love. If that’s not happening, if I’m not getting AND giving honesty, loyalty, and commitment, I will no longer pretend that I am.
Irv
[Reply]
Beautiful Answer to your questions Kelly… A check list that we all need to use from time to time. I just may end up quoting this one in a future post of my own…Yes, its that damned good. ^5s
[Reply]
[...] easy it is to slip into the latter while calling it the first. She came up with a totally AWESOME check list to help us all decide if we are giving up too soon on a relationship of any type as [...]
Next time I am challenged I will remember this list.
[Reply]
I love that song.
[Reply]
From a ‘guy’ perspective reduce the list to three and only three items.
1, Did I ask for exactly what I need in specific, concrete terms they understood?
2. Did I ask for exactly what I need in specific, concrete terms they understood?
3. Did I ask for exactly what I need in specific, concrete terms they understood?
If you can answer’Yes’ unequivically all three times then get that person out of your life as soon as possible and don’t look back.
[Reply]
boundaries in relationships…
[...]boundaries vs disposable friendships: a checklist | Cleavage by Kelly Diels.[...]…