the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and disposable friendships
On the one hand, I understand. I’ve done it. I’ve ended friendships and romances because I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be. Because I was hurting. Because they were hurting. Because we weren’t doing anything good for each other. Because we were, in fact, making each other worse.
On the other hand, I worry about this trend towards disposable friendships, relationships, and marriages.
I have such mixed feelings about marriage. I liked being married. I hope my kids get married some day. I want to get married some day. EVERYONE should have the right to get married if they want to.
And I am totally fucking terrified both by the prospect of getting married again and at the thought that I might not marry again.
And, so given my fraught relationship with marriage, I don’t do weddings. I make excuses. I schedule vacations that conflict with the date. My gift arrives but I do not.
I don’t go, because marriage is sacred and I threw my own marriage away. I can’t shake off that shame.
I’m not alone.
A friend of mine is separated and working his way through his grief to a divorce, and he doesn’t think he’ll marry again. Not because he is afraid to, but because even if he divorces, he’s still married. He made a commitment. He’ll be married forever because marriage is forever.
Obviously, this is going to be a problem for him and anyone who one day entertains thoughts of marrying him.
But…I understand what he’s thinking. I respect it. I wish I understood this exact point when I was on the precipice of leaving. I wish I understood this before I got to the point where the only escape was to leap off the married cliff into…
not the abyss. Being single isn’t a curse – but divorce is a nightmare. It is a tearing asunder of that which has been joined together.
And although I would tear apart with my own prettily-polished nails all of those ‘thinkers’ *ahem* who blame rising divorce rates (are they still rising? or do we just like to run around screaming “the sky is falling! the sky is falling! oh my god those feminists are raining divorces down on the innocents! the sky is falling!) on that pesky women’s liberation, I do wonder if as a culture we’re now taking marriage less seriously.
I wish, when I married, that I had grasped the magnitude of the commitment I was making. I wish, when I was divorcing, that I hadn’t collapsed my world into a binary choice of leaving/saving self and staying/sacrificing self. I wish I had realized that in every marriage there is a conversation between space and intimacy. That you can have space and intimacy in a marriage. That you don’t have to marry the perfect person. That there is no perfect person. That leaving can indeed save your soul but so can staying. That even though leaving seems easier, it is probably much, much harder.
Which, of course, is not to say I would go back. You can never go back.
What I am trying to say is that I have treated people, relationships and marriages as consumable goods. I go shopping for the thing I think I want or need, and then when I get it home and find it didn’t fill the gap, hit the spot, or look as good at the kitchen table as I had expected, I return it or get rid of it.
That’s treating people and relationships as disposable goods. That’s using people to meet my needs rather than appreciating them as they are, for who they are.
And that’s obviously not okay.
So I get a little icked out when I read that you can change your life by changing your friendships, or that your weight or your income can be predicted/determined by the five people you spend the most time with blah blah blah.
(My six year old and four year old own my time and their cumulative weights and incomes are skewing the averages down, down, down. Ought I get rid of them? Or just embrace my future impoverished but slim self?)
And, at the same time, sometimes the people in your life are terrible for you, and you do need to develop new boundaries. And maybe new friends. Or a different lover. Or no lover at all.
But where is the line that tells us when we’re establishing boundaries or disposals?
Because I’m having trouble telling the difference. When am I wisely dumping a friend or a lover because they’re bad for me and when am I casually disposing of a relationship because it doesn’t match the wallpaper?
Is the line between disposable relationships and healthy boundaries a fixed or moving frontier?
I wonder this, when I’m hurting, and when I want and need and deserve something that someone in my life won’t give me. Do I walk away from this person because she’s not serving up what I want for breakfast? Or do I find ways to satisfy my own needs so I am able to love him unconditionally?
Are the people in my life here to meet my needs, which means they can be disposed of when they don’t?
I am repulsed by a consumer approach to relationships.
But am I so porous and my boundaries so permeable that I’ll stay committed to someone or something that can’t or won’t help me get what I want and need?
Wondering about these questions wears me out. I am tired.
I don’t have the answers even though they are the subject of many a 4am freak-out. And so I am tired.
I stay up late or wake up early thinking about these questions and so I am tired.
I pack around these questions on my back and that backpack is already heavy with the responsibilities. I’m almost always entirely responsible for the care and feeding of Love and my loved ones. And so I am tired.
My questioning heart, head and shoulders are tired.
Which makes this exactly and urgently the right time to determine what things to let go of and what things to carry.
And, I suspect, this is when we damsels, fair maidens and princesses have been trained to look for a dude on a white horse to carry us, too.
About the author
- More at
We should give ourselves the things we need most. Its hard, but relying on others is a sure fire way to get hurt. Allowing others in is hard enough without expecting them to fill a need other than being company on occasion. I walk into each friendship, each love relationship with open eyes now. If I NEED them to fill a need, I am hurting us both. If I just enjoy their company, then we are starting on a good path. Eventually, I will need certain things from them based on habit, but even that can be adjust if the person is important enough to me..which they obviously are if I have let them in far enough to need them.
What I am TRYING to say is need yourself most, and everything else falls into place in time. You will go through hard times, emotionally and financially, but the goddess provides. Each pain, each heartache is a lesson we need, so find joy in them and what you learned through the experience.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:07 am
@Gurl, I wish I could get this zen!
Some needs can only be met in the space a relationship or a friendship provides. I am existentially alone in this world – as we all are, because we’re skinned entities – which is why I seek to connect.
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I should try and conquer all my needy bits.
[Reply]
Gurl
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:43 am
@Kelly Diels, There are a few needs that you can’t meet on your own, but there are so many that we CAN meet on our own. Its a fine line to knowing which type of need we are facing. I am sure you will make it to the point that the needy bits aren’t crying out so loudly so often.
[Reply]
There is a terrifying clarity along the path of transcendence. We realize so much of what we regard as “truth” is simply perspective. And generally, someone else’s perspective.
Despite that, we never fully transcend. We remain shackled to our emotions… to our humanity. Even as we draw further and further away from those secure in their convictions. Especially.
How to conduct ourselves among those with limited – narrow – perspective, becomes the real challenge.
The real tragedy, the insult to the injury, is that we can’t go back.
[Reply]
Christopher
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 4:18 am
@Dave Doolin, what do you mean by transcend? I see emotions as my body’s way of communicating to me the cumulative past experiences of my ancestors (an interpretation of evolutionary psychology). There are many situations in which they aren’t relevant, but many more in which they are, and it is my decision how to act upon them. Why should I want to break these shackles, so long as I don’t allow them to weigh me down?
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 8:00 am
@Christopher, some choose to be shackled. Others don’t. Most aren’t aware there’s a choice.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:09 am
@Christopher, I like the way you put that:
“emotions as my body’s way of communicating to me the cumulative past experiences of my ancestors”
brilliant.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:08 am
@Dave Doolin, you are helping and not helping all at the same time. Damn you and your truth and transcendence. ommmm.
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:50 am
@Kelly Diels, Isn’t this his standard M.O.? How can we help but love the guy?
H&B, ~T~
[Reply]
Such beautiful words to describe the pain of living and loving. As always.
How to protect the most precious parts of me (and you): energy, authenticity, love? Such an important question.
I have made these choices. Hard they are, sometimes, when what they should have been is what I needed most, but what they were was more toxic than I had even realized.
And I am grateful today for having made that choice years ago.
Yet your words remind me to not treat the next such decision so lightly. What we gain from each other as people, as individuals who have come together under whatever circumstances, can be immeasurable. Can often not be understood until much time has passed.
Relationships are important stuff.
Relationship with self trumps all.
We must not become lost in the vision of what should have been, but instead revel in the power of what is, and explore intimately the parts in between. As always.
You are fabulous, in each part of you. I would be happy to tell you this every single day, if that works for you.
What you give us here is golden. Thank you.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:11 am
@PicsieChick, protection. How to protect…I think protection is not my priority. I’m wondering about investment. (I would say ‘sacrifice’ but I debunked sacrifice two weeks ago.) I’m wondering about investing in people and relationships that are high risk/high reward…or maybe just a bad risk. I’m wondering how selfish I really am, at the bottom of it all. I’m wondering if I’m capable of loving when I’m not accruing the benefits I desire.
[Reply]
what Dave said.
(‘cept I think not being able to go back is a gift. and, to totally contradict that, I believe that you can change your past.)
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 8:03 am
@Danielle LaPorte, we change our past by changing our perspective. A jewel has many facets, we need not be mesmerized by any particular stroke of the knife.
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 10:02 am
@Dave Doolin, Being mesmerized is natural, especially by the truly cutting – intense, surprising, painful – experiences. Remembering to shift the perspective and shed the spell can be oh-so-hard to remember in the moment, but truly is the trick of it.
H&B, ~T~
[Reply]
Kelly, excellent post. I agree with so much of what you have written, in fact, you have found the words for so much of what has been floating around in my soul. I have been divorced for 31 years. Even though there have been other relationships and he has been remarried for 31 years there is still this feeling of being married to him and that is a long time to carry such a feeling. I got married at 19 and wish I had waited until I really understood what I was doing.
I am a loyal friend. Loyal to a fault and if I let go of a relationship it is because it is extremely unhealthy for me. I wish you well in working through your feelings. I imagine that you will wade through it all because your writing gives you such an outlet.
Deep Peace,
Ardee-ann
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:13 am
@Ardee-ann, thank you so much. I’m going to keep trying to write through it.
[Reply]
A wise person once told me that everything has a beginning, middle and end … and relationships and friendships are no different
Having been through plenty of such endings myself, I see that existence does not leave gaps
… someone goes, somebody that’s more nourishing to you in your journey comes along
… and when I look back, I feel compassion
and gratitude … for the time we had
… and the separation too
… both were equally vital
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:13 am
@Poonam, beautiful. just beautiful.
[Reply]
Married forever? Yes, I get that a commitment has been made. I made it 26 years ago this week. The marriage – living together, being a couple – ended 13.5 years ago. Am I divorced? No. I am I single. Yes. Am I looking for other relationships in my life? Yes.
Life is complicated as are relationships. Both sap the strength from us but also replenish that strength. We just need to find the – God, I hate this word I am about to type – balance between replenishment and sapping.
[Reply]
Jaszy
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 6:40 am
@Nicki, I’m with Nicki, life and relationships are complicated…however being true to yourself shouldn’t be. Only you can know what relationships are beneficial and which are toxic. The hours, days and often years one can lose staying in a relationship that saps your emotional stability is not par the course…whether it be a friendship or marriage, forever is an undeserved life sentence when it’s a wrong fit.
I stayed in the wrong marriage for eight long years, losing a bit of myself along the way. Forever married? No, forever committed to my happiness and well-being…this realization and acceptance led me to find my best friend, business partner, and husband…happily.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:16 am
@Nicki, I read a beautiful book this weekend called The Three Marriages, and it helped me come to terms with the word ‘balance’, which, like you, I dislike.
It isn’t so much a balance be replenishment and sapping as a conversation between them.
Remembering and forgetting.
Presence and absence.
Space and intimacy.
Holding and letting go.
Replenishment and sapping.
They don’t balance off against each other. They’re in dialogue with each other. They need each other to give each other shape.
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:53 am
@Kelly Diels, …and we circle right back again: the truth, the important stuff, the living, the *loving* all takes place in the parts in between, in making sure the parts in between keep the parts on the outside connected.
And these five sets of “outsides” have just been added to my lexicon. Beautiful!
H&B ~T~
[Reply]
Nicki
replied:
on July 6th, 2010 at 4:09 am
@Kelly Diels, You are so right. It is not balance but dialogue. Yet, we all seem to strive for balance. This may be a big part of the problem of life being what it is as opposed to what we think it should be.
[Reply]
A weighty discussion for a Monday morning for sure, but one that’s worth having I think. I’m a happily married woman, married for 10 years to my high school sweetheart. I’m not sure I have the appropriate perspective on this, because to be honest, where marriage and love are concerned, well he’s the ONLY one I’ve known. And for that I’m grateful and lucky. He’s my best friend and my partner in all things. Do we always get along? Absolutely not, but the strength in our relationships comes from recognizing that it’s healthy to disagree sometimes, and to know how to move beyond that. Someone once told me that most relationships can survive as long as only one person changes at a time. The minute both are changing together, all bets are off. For us, that’s largely worked. Perhaps that’s too simplistic a view.
My own approach to friendships has been far less healthy and I’ve struggled more in this department. But I do think the change argument does apply. I’ve changed, and as a result the type of people I need to surround myself around has changed. And that’s okay.
Enjoyed your post. I’ve subscribed and I’m looking forward to reading more!
[Reply]
Wow – what a powerful post. I’m sitting in my office at work with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Having left the of my life for exceptional circumstances beyond either of our control, I can honestly say that love and marriage are not necessarily the same thing. I love my former husband deeply – I will until the day I die. But we cannot be married.
To add some levity to the discussion, I think Samantha from Sex & the City summed it up well when she said “I love you, but I love me more”
[Reply]
I’ve been married 24 years….some happy, some sad. Right now I stand at the brink of a physical separation…. the parting of ways in the mind happened gradually over the last few years. I’m a forty nine year old woman. Menopause is knocking at the door. I have no home, no savings to speak of. I have no idea where I will go, how I will take care of myself, what will happen if i fall sick or break a hip.
But I am living with indignity and that I will give up. I’ll take what’s left of my dignity and walk. I’m scared, I’m terrified, but I’m not without hope.
I tried to take stock of the mistakes I am accused of having made. And then I think, what’s the point? You made mistakes too, which I accepted. I loved and cared for you. I cherished you, birthed, nursed and bred your child, looked after your house and made it a beautiful home, trusted you with my worldly goods. Because you were my wealth. Where you were, was my only home.
I know I will laugh again. Because I’m cried out.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 9:18 am
@Raina, Raina, you touch my heart. Something you said is the subject of a piece I’m writing for tomorrow about wealth.
“You were my wealth”
inescapably beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.
Cried out can be a good place to start.
love to you.
[Reply]
Kelly, this is going to sound like a simplistic answer, but I think this is how it boils down for me (which is to say I don’t assume this applies to your heart or to anyone else’s):
When I end a relationship, and the ending of it does not cause me pain, that’s when I am callously disposing.
When I end a relationship, and the ending makes me hurt and gives me great relief at the same time, that’s when I’ve set a healthy boundary.
The challenge is for me to learn how to discern the difference *before* I end the relationship, so that I’m not looking back and realizing that I disposed of something I should have worked harder to keep.
I think learning to discern the difference is a lifelong process — and none of us can ever say we’ve got it right. All we can hope to do is keep trying and trust that we’ll be forgiven our mistakes.
)
[Reply]
Sera
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 10:10 am
@Courtney Cantrell, Courtney,
This makes a lot of sense to me, especially that it’s a lifelong process! Only once in my life did I feel both pain and relief at the same time. But it was ending the relationship with my high school sweetheart, after 8 years, at the age of 23.
While I completely agree with what you’re saying, I don’t want to have to devote 8 years each time before I know when it’s time to move on.
But I’m thorough. I hope this doesn’t work against me.
[Reply]
Rosemary Cottage
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 11:50 am
@Courtney Cantrell,
“When I end a relationship, and the ending of it does not cause me pain, that’s when I am callously disposing.
When I end a relationship, and the ending makes me hurt and gives me great relief at the same time, that’s when I’ve set a healthy boundary.”
Not sure about this. I ended an emotionally abusive relationship and marriage, of ten years, and it didn’t hurt much because I’d already done my hurting during the relationship. I had no hurt left, just relief. I recently ended a year-long relationship because we simply weren’t right for each other. I don’t think that was “disposable” either though; it was very sad, but ultimately, the right choice.
There has to be room to “try a relationship out”, otherwise, I mean, you’d have to marry the first person you ever got together with and stay with them forever! I don’t think ending a relationship because you do each other’s head in pretty early on means you’re “disposing” of someone; I think it just means you’re both pretty sensible.
[Reply]
Wow! This completely caught my attention – arresting! I grew up believing that loyalty was vital (I still believe this), but somewhere along the way this belief began to morph into something dangerously akin to self-sacrificing loyalty for the pure sake of a relationship. It’s dangerous – deadly dangerous.
What I learned was that one can be loyal to another and still be loyal to oneself. It is not an either-or decision. As long as you’re a part of the relationship you have a responsibility to be your best self (my apologies for the cliche) no matter what that might look like.
When I think about how I ran away (quite literally) from a self-sacrificing and deadly-dangerous relationship – I know I did it to save myself, to be authentic, genuine, and ingeniously true to who I am on the inside. To make me better for whatever the next relationship is that comes along.
[Reply]
Hi Kelly… Thanks for the tap on the shoulder.
I wish I could swamp you with theories on what you should do and not do but ultimately all I can say is that I managed to screw up a good marriage, walked away from it believing that one of the reasons it failed was because I had lost my identity. I then went into a stream of other relationships fighting for that identity, believing it would become a better relationship if I did because it will be more honest.
Ten years later I still can’t get the whole “marriage-type” relationship thing right and I often think that all I need to do is to compromise a bit and that will sort out my loneliness forever. After all I did it before and it wasn’t nearly as bad as the loneliness can sometimes get.
I know I could make the perfect marriage work if I really wanted to… But that would just be so damn boring! And so very mainstream.
So no remedy… sorry. Just a pat on YOUR shoulder to say you’re not alone.
[Reply]
Nice post. I have found that I can deal with others not meeting my needs; I am aware that they are not here on earth to fulfill my needs.
However, my love runs out as soon as a particular shift happens: the shift from being unfulfilled by a person to being judged by that person. As soon as judgment sets in, it’s all over for me. I feel like that’s the type of “toxic” relationship that needs to go…when a person tries to bring you down with his or her sinking ship by making you doubt yourself.
[Reply]
Once again your words amaze me, and strike at just the right hour. Since coming across a few blogs that really speak to (and from) my soul… I’ve been dealing with the relevance and validity of my desires on a completely different level.
I’m dating a guy, Z, who is divorced. We’ll both be 28 this month. Not just dating, living with. I’ve never been married. I grew up thinking there wasn’t any other way. But I’ve been jaded, by both my parents relationship, and watching others come and go in relationships. The little girl in me desires a white wedding, while the adult in me smirks uncomfortably with both concern and jealousy at each new engagement or wedding that takes place. I just read the book ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert which I highly recommend if you haven’t read it, regarding her desire to make peace with marriage.
I align with her in almost every way except one MAJOR issue (besides it being her second marriage). She doesn’t want children. I do. My current boyfriend already has two kids. He knows I refuse to give up the opportunity to be a mother and have a family, and is ‘open’ to my desire. Yet so many things need to fall into place for us both before we can make that decision. And a lot of it has to do with his ex-wife, child support, and things that aren’t going anywhere. He’s a wonderful father, lives 5 hours away but gets down to see them at least once a month if not more.
Like your previous post on ‘Justice’ you just know you have this desire that is valid. Why do I feel a woman at my age, shouldn’t be concerned with, or listen to her desire for a future family?
I hate that it is DEPENDENT on someone else. I’m not so good at that. And the 4a.m. freak out sessions… I am all too familiar with those. Luckily Z is a wonderful listener and usually says all the right things to make me feel silly (in a good way) afterward.
I also just commented on Ronna Detrick’s blog the same thing you spoke of here: How do I know the difference between giving up and moving on? My intention is never to give up but when is it ever definitive that it’s time to move on? There is a balancing act of what is unhealthy and what is simply ‘difficult’ that is hard to discern.
You ladies are amazing. I’m so happy to continue to grow with you by my side!
[Reply]
I’m compelled to comment, because I’ve faced the same questions myself — for years, hours, and also in the middle of the night.
Quite simply the best advice I’ve ever received (and taken)… goes like this: nurture yourself and look for opportunities to set boundaries. It is clean, clear, and yields amazing results.
For example, one night the man I was dating, T, was going to watch “the fight” at a friend’s house. I sat around by the phone waiting for him to call and invite me along. However, when I stopped to think about what I really wanted — what would fan the flames of my desire — it was not to be his date at “the fight.” Instead I asked what would nourish me on that particular Saturday night. When I got quiet enough to listen — the answer arrived: magazine and a bubble bath. Needless to say, T did not call and invite me out that night — but in the end, I was fulfilled, perhaps even more than being his arm candy that night. Much to my surprise!
So, I find myself saying NO more often –placing my needs and desires first and foremost in my life. It really creates the space to be happy regardless of how/when others show up in my life.
And remember, just like the tide — relationships ebb & flow. So, do not stand on the shore of life fretting the ocean’s return — know in your heart-of-hearts what is yours will return in its own time.
Namaste…
[Reply]
I love what KSM has added to the discussion. People are not here to fulfill my needs, but to ad richness to my experience, to show we what I am not and what I am.
Friendships are something I do pretty well (Marriage, time will only tell 3 months does not a lasting marriage make.) The thing for me that earns someone my eternal love, respect, support even (and especially) when I disagree with them, is if they see and support the highest in me.
When friendships get rocky my first step (after chocolate and some journaling) is to check if I can see and am supporting the highest in them. Its no easy answer but its my locus, my linchpin. I choose to travel with people who see through my bullshit.
PS I’m screwed if we are like the people we spend time with. I’ll end up an overachieving rock-climbing lawyer!
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
@Rachael Stott, I could probably describe your relationship in excruciating detail from this single statement: “I’ll end up an overachieving rock-climbing lawyer!”
I won’t.
[Reply]
Rachael Stott
replied:
on July 5th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
@Dave Doolin, LOL @Dave! Who knew I was so transparent. Thanks for sparing us the details:)
3 of my besties are in Law and my husband is an outdoor freak. All of them are overachievers. I am the nurturer in the middle.
[Reply]
Kelly. This:
I wonder this, when I’m hurting, and when I want and need and deserve something that someone in my life won’t give me. Do I walk away from this person because she’s not serving up what I want for breakfast? Or do I find ways to satisfy my own needs so I am able to love him unconditionally?
Are the people in my life here to meet my needs, which means they can be disposed of when they don’t?
I am repulsed by a consumer approach to relationships.
But am I so porous and my boundaries so permeable that I’ll stay committed to someone or something that can’t or won’t help me get what I want and need?
Thank you for articulating some of the most important conflicts plaguing us ones that love today. You have driven the nail through the board and out the other side.
Kelly, how do you live with yourself? You’re so goddamn astute and fuckin’ smart.
[Reply]
Shit, some of the stuff I included in above comment didn’t show up so now it looks like a big ol’ copy ‘n’ paste comment…Agh! Anyway, I am dealing with a relationship right now that has raised these very same questions. Particularly the ‘are the people in my life here to meet my needs?’ or am I a heinous bitch to turn my back on them when they are legitimately not able to meet them? From the marriage bit to the end, you’ve really expressed much of the same stuff that finds its way into my brain and drives me mental. Thanks so much for being such a great thinker and writer. : )
[Reply]
Thank-you for putting words to something so many of us struggle with — whether consciously or not.
As someone dealing with a husband’s betrayal — and deciding (at least for now) to stay in the marriage — I’ve often felt somewhat judged. There’s societal support for women who toss out cheaters…and a skeptical dismissal of those who stay.
I’m often asked why I’ve stayed and I respond (though it’s certainly a simplistic analysis), because he’s my friend. He hasn’t behaved like a friend in the past but is working hard to become a better one. Perhaps he couldn’t love me well before…but if he’s committed to loving me better, then I’m willing to give him the chance.
Yes, there would be self-righteous satisfaction in declaring him “unfit” to be my husband. But it would be short-lived. And I’d be left watching my children’s father — and my friend — struggle.
Not all cheating husbands deserve a second chance, of course. But I’m willing to bet my future on my conviction that mine does.
[Reply]
Alana
replied:
on July 6th, 2010 at 4:32 pm
@Elle,
Elle – Mine did too. 5 years later I’m so glad I didn’t throw the relationship away. He’s grown, I’ve grown, we’ve grown together. A lot of why it happened was *my* stuff (not taking blame but accepting responsibility). I got a lot of support from our friends and family (and couples therapy) so I wanted to respond to you. If it feels right to stay and save your marriage, I wish you and your husband the strength to take it on with love and compassion for yourselves and each other. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it brought me incredible gifts. Good luck
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on July 6th, 2010 at 6:41 pm
@Alana @Elle, Sending you both bright loving butterflies. May your gorgeous big hearts and open love have wings!
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
[...] checklist …and this morning maybe I have the answer to the questions that are haunting me. How can I tell when I’m casually disposing of a friendship or ending it to protect or establis… (Or, in other words, not being a martyr or a doormat or hanging in there with someone who [...]
Damn, girl, you have been reading my journal again. Not to mention reading my mind. STOP!
Wait, no, don’t stop, don’t stop. Specially when you are so spot-on brilliant right when I need to hear it.
[Reply]
OK, woman: again with the mind-reading, parallel lives, and otherwise brilliant musings?
We must drink together again soon. Or count oranges.
[Reply]
Love this whole conversation.
[Reply]
[...] Diels hit a chord when she talked about the difference between healthy boundaries and disposable friendships and how easy it is to slip into the latter while calling it the first. She came up with a totally [...]
I just discoverd your writing and after reading this article am sitting at my desk, at work, in tears.
Beautiful.
Thank you
[Reply]
[...] Kelly Diels got me thinking this morning about what makes these people so special? What have they done to lay claim to my spare kidney? Well, they are family. They are ‘my people’. Not all of them share my DNA. Not all of them (very few in fact) live close enough for me to have an easy coffee with. Most of them I don’t see as often as I’d like. But none of that matters. [...]
A friend of mine recommended that I read you today after I posted my latest blog post about the “girl code” and heartbreaks that happen among girlfriends. My friend was spot on! I hadn’t heard of you and am so glad I found this blog. I too am perplexed by this disposable friendship business though boundaries are extremely important. Sharing my heart with a friend causes almost as much, if not more trepidation than sharing it with a lover.
[Reply]
I liked this blog – Friendships are not disposable for me, I will keep in touch even with my kindergartner friends – however, I don’t hang out with every single friend I have, because we’re all in different stages of our lives and looking for enjoy different things at certain points of our lives – I will keep in touch, be there for them when they need me, but not necesarily see them every day I go out or hang out all the time…as far as love – Love is a choice, marriage is a choice…we stay in it because we choose to accept the person we married the way they are, and we choose to stay in love and not give up at the first problem we have – marriage for me is not disposable either…
[Reply]
[...] July 4th, Kelly Diels of Cleavage started the post that I haven’t been able to write an intro to: “I wish, when I married, that I [...]
messi wallpapers…
[...]the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and disposable friendships | Cleavage by Kelly Diels.[...]…
How to get husband back after separation…
[...]the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and disposable friendships | Cleavage by Kelly Diels.[...]…