here’s the secret to being sexy:

realize that being sexy isn’t (only) about the physicality of appearance and the carnality of sex.

Sexy isn’t about looks (promise!) or hip-to-waist ratios, or being the most beautiful creature in the room.

Really. Promise.

Those things are nice, but not essential. Many a great seductress throughout history has deviated from the social ideal of beauty in her time and still enthralled and entranced the men and women of her choosing.

We’ve been trained to expect that being ‘beautiful enough’ to command love and sexual desire is an incredibly difficult task. The Beauty Myth. The Beauty Industry. Et al.

And beauty is excellent. White teeth and white eyes and clear skin – well, we all like those things for a reason.

But attraction and sexuality is, I think, simpler than the Beauty Police allow.

The physical act of sex, for example, is really simple. This goes There. (Or there or there or there.)

We can make it complicated, but whether it is complicated, fancy or boring, it is still pretty good and pretty simple.

It is easy to be great at sex because it is simple. Enthusiasm goes a long way. There.

The part that is a little more difficult is the social stuff barnacled onto sex.

A Sexpert I know, Jennifer S of Libido Lounge, says that the social stuff is sex. Jennifer teaches that if you want to be good at sex, and have people want to want to have sex with you, then you’ve got to get the social, interpersonal stuff handled.

And the way you get the social, interpersonal stuff handled is by realizing this: we’re all nervous and screwed up and want to be liked.

I’m shy (or I used to be). I used to wait for people to make me feel comfortable and so I was always uncomfortable.

But here’s what I’ve learned that makes me sexy. Here’s my super sexy secret:

Be the person who makes other people feel comfortable, and you will be a magnet.

And that’s sexy.