We’re at my parent’s house. We’re staying in the cabin.
10.14 pm. I walked to The House to get extra blankets and pillows.
It is dark. My mother lit candles in little tin cans all along the path from the cabin to the house. Beautiful. Romantic.
At the house, I turn around…
and my little one, my almost-four year old, is there.
Mama, I’m scared.
So scared that she braved a trek across a quarter of an acre from the cabin to the house in the dark?
And so I wonder, in my best Carrie Bradshaw fashion, how often we think or say “I’m scared” when what we mean is:
I miss you
I want you
I need you
Don’t go
Stay
Shine
I adore you. Said as someone who once trekked across a small fijian island to find my own mother because I was ‘scared’.
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You are so brilliant in the way your mind interprets these things!!!
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What a great mama you are.
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All the time.
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I’m feeling it right now. Saying I’m scared but knowing I would do anything to follow… My goodness lady, get out of my head.
Xo
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Beautiful! And so true!
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What a beautiful mama you are, and so generous to share this with us.
And, yes, frequently. But not right now. I know the pieces fit and the shining thing we build will be stunning. And that is enough. What a wonderful feeling this is! Thank you for your part in it!
So what do you say to your beautiful little girl who says she is scared and really just misses her mama?
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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“I miss you I want you I need you Don’t go Stay Shine…”
These conveyed expressions, are truly beautiful, when the words, “I’m scared,” are uttered from a child’s lips. But as an adult male, who is responsible for the leadership of my family, the words, “I’m scared,” are not allowed.
“I miss you. I want you. Stay.” If that’s what I mean, those are the words I must use. But if “Im scared,” means: “I think I’m about to fail, with damaging consequences,” or, “I feel so vulnerable, because I can’t find a job,” those thoughts inflict an insecurity deep inside the heart of my beloved wife. I can see the fear well up in her eyes, and I sense it again through the silence that follows. Occasionally I’ll get a reassuring hug with a loving pep talk. But I know, if I break down once more, she’ll interpret my wilting as another sign of doom and gloom. Then a cold thought will freeze her remaining strength, as she concludes, “Irv, If YOU’RE losing hope now, I will too.”
I cannot, and will not, let my despair smother my best friend. I cannot do that!
It’s not that my wife depends on me for protection. She’s an independent and strong woman. She can take care of herself, and does. She’s also my greatest support. But since I’m usually in control, when I’m not, I turn into a barometer for pending problems, the canary in the coal mine, the red warning light. Consequently, when I start fearfully flashing, we BOTH begin to panic.
So I don’t flash. I don’t talk. I keep the dangers to myself as best I can, or until I can’t hold it in anymore. Or until I’ve taken care of the problem and we’re “safe” again. Women and wives want men to be sensitive and open to them. Honestly, we men wish it could always be that way. But many times spewing emotion is not an option. That’s not in our job description. We’re the Warrior Knight, the fearless Pirate Captain, the head of the family, the front line defense.
And so, as I’ve written before, we warriors and pirates cry alone in closets and bathrooms. When it over, and we’ve regained our composer, we strap back on the armor and march onto the battlefield to face our fears, and look for a job.
Irv
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Dave Doolin
replied:
on June 27th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
@Irving Podolsky, being a man is a lonely business.
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Gurl
replied:
on June 27th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
@Irving Podolsky, I wonder how many times your wife, my mother, and so many other “strong” women have done the same thing. Didn’t talk about being scared because it would scare the children, worry the husband/lover/friend…I know I hold scared to myself. I can’t stand to worry those I love just because fear is trying to hold my hand.
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Irving Podolsky
replied:
on June 27th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
@Gurl, GOOD POINT!
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PicsieChick
replied:
on June 28th, 2010 at 6:42 am
@Gurl, I was thinking exactly this as a read through Irving’s heartfelt comment. Scared is scared, and easier faced in solidarity, but also it is contagious, and easily spread from one to another.
If we find new words for scared, maybe we can be together on the edge of the vortex, not allowing any of us to be sucked in….
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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The lanterns are all there. Phone. Txt. Email. Skype. Chat. Facebook. But you have to walk alone.
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Thought provoking. I can so recall these same walks with different lights, paths and journeys, journeys…
Your writing has, is and does always keep me company for pushing ahead.
Thanks Kelly
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That, my lovely woman, is a moment for your novel.
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Religion. What ever flavor you like,
I miss you (insert deity)
I want you (insert deity)
I need you (insert deity)
Don’t go (insert deity)
For much of humanity’s existence we have looked to the spiritual realm for comfort. Isn’t it interesting that in this day and age of hyper connectivity that we are now looking towards ourselves and our tribe. And isn’t that what is all about anyway?
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This is the fundamental human experience. Who amongst us has not felt the exact same way at times, most times? Who better to elucidate the struggle of life than a child?
Beautiful, raw. I think I feel the exact same way, right now.
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This is beautiful. I feel the same way about anger. At work they say over and over that anger is a secondary emotion and is usually there because you can’t put into words how you feel. The same with I’m scared.
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