“Learn to go through one door and many others will open for you; try to go through five doors at once and you’ll go nowhere.” – C. Andrew Ramsey, M.D., a psychiatry professor at Columbia University
Ahem. It has recently been drawn to my attention that my moaning, bemoaning and *bitching* (let’s be honest) about men and commitment is a form of projection.
The men in my life aren’t commitment-phobic.
I am.
Ooops.
Sorry, guys.
———–
Here’s how it goes down:
I start dating a guy. I get a little starry-eyed over him which means I get a lot scared. So I shit-test him (thanks, Seduction Community for the lingo): Does he have my back? Will he run when things get scary? How can I freak him out to find out how reliable he is?
I know! I’ll talk about marriage and babies!!!
And it works *almost* every time.
ALMOST inevitably the dude thinks I’m too much, too soon and retreats/disappears for period of time spanning somewhere between three weeks and three months (two outliers: eight years and nine years each).
But wait! There’s more!
Almost as inevitably as the hasty retreat is the advance. After three weeks/months, he comes back and says, Ok. I’m all in. It’s all on the table. Love, marriage, babies. House in the suburbs. White picket fence. I’ll paint it for you, baby.
But by that time, I’ve got a new dude, so I smile regretfully (and smugly – because I KNEW I WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!!) and make noises about ‘timing’.
And then I turn and look at my new dude with narrow and skeptical eyes and think, WTF? The other guy wants to marry me and you can’t decide if you’re in or out?! Get in or get out! I WANT BABIES, NEW DUDE!
And he runs away for three weeks to three months, realizes the error of his ways, comes back…
and wash, rinse, repeat.
So I use commitment as my shit-test to avoid commitment.
Because I am the one who is scared.
————-
Some maybe-scary stuff:
Maybe I don’t want the white picket fence. (But I do want the baby). Maybe I don’t want the conventional suburban marriage. (But I do want the lasting love). Maybe I don’t want the house. Maybe I want to live a little more nomadically. Maybe I don’t know how to get the life and partner I want because it is so far from the map I’ve been trained to read and follow. Maybe I don’t want a relation-ship. Maybe I want a pirate ship.
———-
It isn’t that I’m afraid to choose a partner. I am oh-so-capable of being fiercely loyal and loving.
It isn’t that I’m afraid of committing to someone I love.
It isn’t that I’m afraid of losing my freedom. I don’t think that choosing one path is a loss of freedom. I think walking it IS freedom.
It is that I’m afraid that by choosing and committing to a partner that I will have to live the life I’ve already rejected.
It is that I’m afraid that the kind of love, family and life that I want is so far removed from suburban reality that it might not be possible. And so I’ll die alone with cats.
And cats do bad things to furniture and I like my upholstery on the unshredded side.
———
The problem with choice, commitment and freedom is that we’ve framed them up so that an abundance of choice is freedom, commitment involves choosing to winnow down the choices available to you, and therefore commitment to a particular path or person or choice equals a loss of freedom.
And that’s crap.
An abundance of choice is the mirage of freedom.
We think we can do anything and so, dazzled by an array of crazysexycool opportunities, do nothing at all.
Freedom is not a buffet of opportunity.
Freedom is the ability to choose and live your choice.
Think about the opposite of freedom.
Slavery.
In slavery, you are not able to choose or live your choice. You’re not able to decide your destiny, create it, live it.
It isn’t necessarily the absence of choice that defines a lack of freedom – though that’s certainly a huge part of it – it is the absolute foreclosure of the ability to LIVE your choice.
In our society, going to university is an option. We think everyone’s got it.
So yay! I can go to university! The option is there! I can see the campus!
But…
- if I can’t afford to go
- if no one in my family or community shows me what that looks like
- if the culture of the university is alien to me
- if a million things in my day-to-day reality mean that I cannot realize a university education
then that option is meaningless. There’s no freedom there.
Freedom is the capacity to turn your option into a choice and live it.
Freedom is making the choice real. It is choosing. It is narrowing the options down and living with and through the one you choose. Freedom is a privilege and that privilege is commitment.
Come what may. Hell or high water or himalayan kittens. Spectre of death-by-cats-and-pirates and all.
—————-
PS – Speaking of pirates and pirate ships, this is my house key. Symbolic, much?
impressive. I think my path of “having freedom” is the same as yours. But this here is.. weird. It is true.
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“We think we can do anything and so, dazzled by an array of crazysexycool opportunities, do nothing at all.”
Oh. My. God.
I have never made the connection between something as seemingly liberating as limitless opportunity and something as repressive as the chains of procrastination. That sentence… what you just said there, THAT is a huge part of my existence.
Procrastinator
I can make a decision and I have no problem with commitment. What is kicking my ass is that, in the land of plenty, there is no imperative to chose. As far as problems go, having too much choice, too much skill, too much freedom, too much of anything seems to be a pretty weak problem. But it is a problem like too much arrogance. Opportunities do seem to come around on more than one occasion for me. If I don’t do something about it RIGHT NOW then… meh, something else will come up.
So instead of going somewhere I am standing in the departures lounge with bags packed and a stupid Hawaiian shirt on checking out the postcards on the little spinny around thingy at the newsstand thinking about how awesome my trip is going to be when I finally get there while plane after plane pushes back from the gate without me.
That’s it. I’m getting on the next one. I don’t care how bad it smells in there.
-J
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 9:38 am
@John C Davies, Man! Your imagery is fabulous. I can see the shirt, and the sunglasses. Get on the plane already!
(I know, I’m one to talk…I’m taking the scenic route to the airport…)
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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Wow. This makes me think of a Shaker hymn that I love (and find surprisingly sexy? Yeah, I’m weird that way)
Virgins clothed in a clean white garment
How they move in a band of love
Comforts flow in a mighty current
We shall drink from the fountains above.
That’s the sexy part, here’s the relevant part:
Yea, we will rejoice with freedom
In this straight little narrow way.
Here is the fold, and the lambs are feeding
On this green we’ll skip and play.
I am always so intrigued by the possibility of “rejoicing in freedom” while in seemingly trapped (by choice, as you point out) in a “straight little narrow way.” And moving in a “band of love” with its many possible connotations: a rock band? A wedding band? A band of pirates?
Your post clarified this for me: choice = freedom. Thank you!
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Absolutely amazing insight. You are so right that freedom to choose but not actually making and living a choice is not freedom at all. I am with you on this one, Kelly.
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You are one smart little tamal. Incredible food for thought. Loving the insight and living it btw.
: )
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Once again you dipped right down into my soul and described something I’ve never been quite able to articulate, and have felt for years.
As a person prone to paralysis by analysis, having too many options can be a huge burden for me. Conversely, my greatest freedom comes from knowing my best friend is right here in my life, tethered together as we are by love, a contract, and shared responsiblities. I come from such a place of freedom in his arms. Yes, marriage can be all that if you let it.
I’m going to enjoy your pirate ride, I’m just wondering which of us will ask the pirate question first: “What happened to all the rum?”
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
btw, cats get a bad rap. they don’t wreck *all* upholstery!
[Reply]
John C Davies
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 11:54 am
@PicsieChick, “Yes, marriage can be all that if you let it. ”
Every night at story time when my wife and I are reading stories to the twins I start nodding off and fall asleep on many occasions. Some may interpret this as lack of interest but it is not. I feel so at ease, comforted and relaxed at that moment that I can let all my guard down. I’m not thinking about my day or the mortgage or that jackass who cut me off in traffic. I don’t have to be ‘on’ like I am most of the rest of the day. It’s my favorite time of the day bar none.
-J
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 11:56 am
@John C Davies, That’s beautiful, really.
Just like a cat: they never fully sleep unless they feel *completey* safe.
H&B
~T~
[Reply]
John C Davies
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 11:57 am
@PicsieChick, *ahem* Meeeow!
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You’ve covered a lot of ground here. Again, much food for thought. I’d like to comment on starting and building a relationship.
Kelly, you’re a deep, intense woman, and it’s going to take a man with similar qualities to match your passion, drink it in, and give it back. There IS such a prince out there, and I do believe you will find that warrior, once you stop doubting that you will.
Doubt, the fear of failure and loss, getting past THAT, is life’s ultimate contest. It’s also the hero’s journey, where we build our strength to face uncertainty and conquer its threat. Not easy. To win the fight, one needs FAITH, a magic sword, I for one, foolishly toss to the ground too many times. When I do hold it close, and accept its grace, I can then confidently wait for the treasure to arrive. It always does, when I no long care about losing it. (Most of the time, I CARE about losing it.)
Kelly, finding a quiet confidence is a super big task, for everyone. You however, are extraordinary, possessing superb intellectual tools. I think you WILL build your confidence, when you meet the man who listens, listens, listens. And who talks, talks, talks, about everything. Just like you. Your faith will be restored, and I believe you will then feel totally comfortable expressing every vulnerable fear inside yourself. You will intuitively KNOW that you can TRUST this man, and that he will not use your secrets as weapons against you. When you have reached that sacred level of trust, and love, you will have entered the Sanctuary of Freedom – the freedom to be YOU, the freedom to CHANGE, the freedom to ask for help.
You’re so smart Kelly, and honest and loving and courageous. I can’t imagine your losing any battle you take on. You WILL find your prince charming, or your Pirate Captain. Just keep sailing, which I know you will.
Irv
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 12:31 pm
@Irving Podolsky, I love this comment. I actually just shared your statement about the hero’s journey with my man, I think it’s that important.
I think we all struggle with holding that magic sword. We get so mired under the weight of uncertainty we think the problem, the weight (or the wait for some of us), must be the sword and toss it away, not understanding how much lighter it was making everything for us.
Here’s to accepting faith with grace and confidently awaiting our treasure.
And here’s to Irv, for such an enlightened viewpoint.
And, most of all, here’s to Kelly for her fabulousness, her uncanny ability to write about just what I need to hear, and the community and discussion it helps to form.
Such grace, such power, such truth, such beauty.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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Commitment _is_ slavery.
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PicsieChick
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 12:55 pm
@Dave Doolin, There you going being all polemic again.
Care to elaborate?
H&B
~T~
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 12:59 pm
@PicsieChick, when we make a commitment, we enslave ourselves to fulfilling that commitment. Our freedom is constrained. Our choice becomes binary: fulfill the commitment, or break it. Within the commitment, our freedom to act is constrained by the terms of the commitment.
Successful relationships hinge on the commitment to the commitment.
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PicsieChick
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 1:04 pm
@Dave Doolin, So there can be joyful slavery, then. I’ll take it.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 1:06 pm
@Dave Doolin, I read somewhere that a preacher’s wife toasted a bride and groom like this:
“You married her because you love her. Now you have to love her because you married her.”
[Reply]
Irving Podolsky
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 3:53 pm
@Dave Doolin, Dave,in my humble opinion, your paragraph describing binary choices is overly simplified, especially when it comes to maintaining relationships. Here’s why.
There are many commitments within, say, a marriage. Some are supposed to be forever, some for a week, some for a day, and some are just an immediate promise to take out the garbage. Beyond that, commitments change and are renegotiated as everything else changes.
We all need commitments. Commitments define the boundaries on which we make decisions. Would you like to release employers from their commitment to delivering weekly pay checks? Or fire trucks from coming when called? Commitments are promises. Can you imagine a working relationship without them? Or one in which they are constantly broken?
I’ll be more specific. When two people agree upon the terms of a special relationship, perhaps a marriage or something like a marriage, they create a set of rules that defines that relationship unique from all others. It makes that marriage SPECIAL. Traditionally, exclusive sex has been the unique shared experience, generally because it can be intimate, and also because it produces babies. But the “exclusive experience” could be anything two people do ONLY with each other, like watching “Friends” reruns in bed. It doesn’t matter what that special thing is, as long as it defines an exclusive promise, not to be broken. The promise establishes priority, loyalty, and trust. It’s an attempt to create CERTAINTY in an uncertain world. It’s the last bastion of security, which we all crave. So, in little ways, through commitments, we PROMISE bits of security to each other, and they are gifts. But, if we break the promise, we break the trust. Consequently, our commitments are shattered, along with the feeling that the world is a safe and caring place. Not good.
For these reasons, I believe commitments are necessary and beneficial, especially for a loving relationship.
Irv
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 8:55 pm
@Irving Podolsky, subtext.
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“Freedom is not a buffet of opportunity.”
Have you ever stood in the hair care isle, looking for a new type of product, and been so overwhelmed by the options in front of you that you end up walking away choosing nothing? I have
I’ve also spent 20 minutes staring at that wall of product, only to finally grab the cheapest/closest/prettiest/whatever one… because I had to choose SOMETHING!!!
Too many options paralyze us. Fear of picking the wrong one leads to picking nothing… or worse, picking one for purely arbitrary reasons that completely ignore what really matters to us.
Not such a huge deal when we’re talking hair care products, but kinda major when we’re hoping to create a lasting relationship.
“Freedom is the ability to choose and live your choice.”
I think Irv had a wonderful point about the importance of faith; however, I would argue somewhat with the conclusions that Irv draws… eventually we CAN find that perfect someone, that person whom we trust implicitly and know without a doubt would never EVER hurt us or betray our trust.
The problem is, even when we find that person, it isn’t THEM we need to have faith in. We need to have faith in ourselves, in OUR ability to make smart decisions, so that we can live that choice without constantly second-guessing it.
Seeing as how so many of the “problems” we encounter in our relationships begin in our own minds, spawned by our own fears (or is that just me?).
No matter how trustworthy and perfect and wonderful that other person is, until we can trust OURSELVES to live that choice, we will continue to engage in sabotage.
Which is actually kind of freeing, and empowering, since that means the only person you have to fix is yourself!
And thank god for that, cause trying to fix my significant other hasn’t worked out so well for me in the past
[Reply]
Irving Podolsky
replied:
on June 23rd, 2010 at 4:07 pm
@Heidi, I couldn’t agree with you MORE, Heidi. Thanks for completing the thread!
Irv
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‘Freedom is choice’
Amen to that. Thanks for a great post, Kelly
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“In ancient Rome there was a poem,
about a dog who found two bones,
He picked at one,
He licked the other
He went in circles, until
He dropped dead”
- Devo, “Freedom of Choice”
It started in the supermarket, for me. Then it spread to the rest of my life. Freedom is choice. You nailed it.
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I’m reminded of the Ellis Paul lyric:
“And I get the sensation
It’s joy and frustration
Like getting caught by a drop of cold rain
Freedom can numb you
When there’s no place to run to
It feels just like Novocaine”
(The rest of the song is here:
http://ellispaul.com/index.php?page=songs&category=Translucent_Soul&display=4472 )
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“Freedom is the ability to choose and live your choice.”
Hallelujah. Because it’s not the one time choosing. And it’s not Dave’s binary choices.
The freedom (and the commitment) is in the LIVING. The daily choices in a whole spectrum of colors and tones and options.
Do I flirt with the barrista? (a bit.) Do I flirt with his cousin? (not even a smidge.)
Do I do the (fill in unpleasant task) or start a fight because he NEVER does it?
Do I reach out when I can see he’s upset?
Do I push it when he says he doesn’t want to talk but really I know he just wants to avoid addressing something?
It’s all choices and it’s all freedom.
And it’s all living and making my life little moment by moment
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Not to put too eloquent a point on it, but this is a brilliant fucking post. How did you get so wise, woman?
Relationship vs pirate ship? LOVE.
Have you read A Vindication of Love by Christina Nehring? Would love your thoughts on it. I have a bit of difficulty with some of the book — I’m too well-versed in love & sex addiction not to — but I think she makes very sound points about how we’ve attempted to take the fear out of intimacy by bleaching and sanitizing and domesticating it (a.k.a. “marriage”…I mean, what’s so great about a white picket fence anyway? they are bars. that hem you in.). So indeed, how to be the owner of a wild romantic soul *and* fulfilling long-term relationship? (Where are the information products on *that*?)
Maybe we’re not looking for partners…but partners in crime…but crime never pays, & we *know* that…
And now the urge to go drink some bourbon.
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Ahhh freedom! The elusive temptress who never gives me her phone number.
Thank you for this, it couldn’t have come at a better time.
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Hey, Kelly!
*Ahem*
“Death by cats” is not only a choice, but an HONORABLE one when it becomes obvious that commitments with other people triggers a hugely deep, ingrained-in-the-personality codependency where all parties involved (including pirates) limp (run? sail?) away so damaged that, often, professional help is required.
For 35 years, my codependency has proven NOT to be unlearnable, despite the varying kinds of therapy, medications and/or steps worked.
Codependency with cats is far less damaging. (And careful attention to the trimming of claws makes the shredding of furniture near-impossible. One simply needs to be tougher than the cat–and have lots of treats ready for after.)
Annie
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