I’ve been sorting out what money means to me and the answer is this:
mostly, not much.
This might explain why I’m not rolling in filthy lucre.
I’ve written about it before: money isn’t really my currency.
When I think about the money part of my business, I get bored.
When I think about the things I ought to do with my money – buy a house, buy a better car, save for vacations and retirement (ha! as if I’ll retire from writing!) – I get even more bored.
Because I’m disenchanted with those conventional ends, the means (money) don’t mean much.
But when I started thinking about what having more money means I can do for other people, or how I could use money to serve Life As A Grand Adventure rather than a mortgage (french: mort = death), I realize,
Money is commitment.
(thunderclap! lightning bolt! gregorian chants!)
There’s a reason we say “put your money where your mouth is.” Where we put our resources – time, love, cash – on a daily basis creates, demonstrates and confirms our commitments.
I put most of my money into providing a stable, suburban infrastructure for my children. Because I’m unwaveringly committed to them.
(And legally and morally obliged. But mostly because I love them and so I don’t mind giving them all my money. It’s a privilege.)
(And by this measure, my next most committed relationship is with Starbucks.)
But committed, and commitment, is not the same thing as sacrifice – although lots of relationship experts, money gurus and spiritual leaders tell us otherwise.
We’re often encouraged to “sacrifice” for the long game, the portfolio of riches, or to get to heaven.
Sacrifice spending now so that you can save for later. Sacrifice dating and independence for marriage. Sacrifice TV time for blogging. Sacrifice a tidy house for a generative creative life. Sacrifice freedom for a day job. Sacrifice a day job to be an entrepreneur. Sacrifice your time to run errands for a lover who’s swamped.
And all of these things are valuable and necessary to accomplish your goals and support your loved ones.
But they aren’t sacrifice.
Sacrifice is when you trade something dearly attractive for something unattractive.
Get under your desk. The world is upside down. I’m about to quote Ayn Rand.
“Sacrifice” does not mean the rejection of the worthless, but of the precious. “Sacrifice” does not mean the rejection of the evil for the sake of the good, but of the good for the sake of the evil. “Sacrifice” is the surrender of that which you value in favor of that which you don’t.
If you exchange a penny for a dollar, it is not a sacrifice; if you exchange a dollar for a penny, it is. If you achieve the career you wanted, after years of struggle, it is not a sacrifice; if you then renounce it for the sake of a rival, it is. If you own a bottle of milk and give it to your starving child, it is not a sacrifice; if you give it to your neighbor’s child and let your own die, it is.
If you give money to help a friend, it is not a sacrifice; if you give it to a worthless stranger, it is. If you give your friend a sum you can afford, it is not a sacrifice; if you give him money at the cost of your own discomfort…if you give him money at the cost of disaster to yourself—that is…sacrifice in full.
…A sacrifice is the surrender of a value.
So, then, according to Rand (seriously, I cannot believe I’m doing this!), sacrifice is the surrender of value, and specifically of a higher value to a lower one.
- When we forgo going out at night to work on a project for school or work, we’re not sacrificing.
- When, instead of buying hot and unnecessary new shoes for ourselves we buy our children new coats and rainboots, we’re not sacrificing.
- When we do not put that trip on the credit card and instead take a debt-free tour of a national park, we’re not sacrificing.
- When we decide to ignore the crumbs on the floor so we can knock out an extraordinary essay/painting/consultation, we’re not sacrificing.
We’re delaying gratification.
We’re trading the things that are low in value for things that are high in value.
We’re INVESTING – in ourselves, our loved ones, our dreams, our reality.
And that’s commitment.
Commitment is not sacrifice.
Commitment is trading the things that don’t mean much for the things that do.
Commitment is putting your money where your heart is.
———–
Challenge:
think about money ‘n commitment, and tell us in the comments:
what does the way you spend your money say about your commitments?
does the way you earn your money line up with your commitments?
My committed relationships look just like yours: my children, and starbucks.
Love this. I also never really thought through the mort in mortgage. Wow. Makes a lot of sense to me.
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My ordinary self hates the word sacrifice and loves the way you have reframed the concept. I spend all my money making a good life for my son too and it gives me great pleasure to do so.
A tiny Catholic reptile part of me(forged through 12 years of Catholic school), is somehow perversely attracted to the word, thinks it’s the only way to earn a spot in heaven (never mind that I don’t believe in any of that stuff anymore and haven’t since 9th grade!)
As far as earning money vs commitments, I like what Barbara Sher had to say about this in her most recent newsletter because it takes the pressure off from feeling like shit if I’m not making money from the things I love (and how do you make money from cultivating friendships and loving your kids anyway?):
“If the main thing wrong with your job is that it simply isn’t enough, hang on to it, it’s what I call The Good Enough Job. And it’s what you can call a Subsidy to the Arts. A Good Enough Job will carry you the distance to your dreams, and you’ll need to cool down your brain with some lightweight talk around the water cooler anyway.”
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I’m SO with you, but please don’t quote Ayn Rand again.
I joined the “Plugging the gulf oil leak with the works of Ayn Rand” group on facebook. I go out of my way to send “Seriously?” notes to guys on online dating sites when they include her as one of their favourite authors.
There’s a time and place for Ayn Rand, and I firmly believe that it was in our early 20s.
Hugs.
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Huh. My money goes towards food. Not in the life-sustaining, fuel my body way, either. In the ‘what will satiate this need and get me through the day more conveniently’ way. Also shows that I can’t commit to cheeseburgers anymore than pad thai.
They way I earn my money makes me proud and warm and fuzzy and humble all at once. So there’s that. Quite a disconnect. I guess I need to look at how I’m investing. Thanks.
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Kelly
replied:
on June 22nd, 2010 at 7:17 am
@Allissa Haines,
Allissa, ME TOO! I thought, besides my house which I rent (ala no “mort”), my only ongoing pleasure that costs anything is food (and cable/Netflix). I’m a library whore so books generally aren’t an expense.I gladly pay my late fees. I own beater cars. I rarely buy clothes. But I do buy food. Though, on my own, I spend many nights having cereal for dinner.
I feel ok about how I earn my money. Not fabulous, but ok.
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Well Dang!
I never thought about that way but you are right.
I “sacrificed” the idea being a full-time knifemaker for a career(Machinist)that, for the most part, I have enjoyed, taught me many things, showed me the world, put my kids through college and gave me money to buy my land and build my house.
I “sacrificed” long hours six and seven days a week in front of a fire, pounding and grinding steel making what others wanted for time evenings and weekends making what I wanted.
So, for years I did not do what I love to make make money-I made money to do what I love.
At this stage of my life I can begin to make money doing what I love the way I want to do it.
So, yes I agree-Not much of a sacrifice.
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I love that you quoted Rand, even though it is so un-PC – that takes a lot of courage in the current framework and thank you for standing up like that. I don’t use much of her since my 20′s (see Morag)but the sacrifice quotes have continuously made sense through out my life & I abide by them. Good post! SVH
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My committed relationships? Learning and travel; everything else has paled in comparison. Great post that has got me thinking about what I want to be committed to at this stage in my life. Awesome!
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Should I admit, here, in public, that I’ve never read Rand? hmmmm Maybe not. I totally agree with the quote, though.
The money. Well, there’s the mortgage, and the living expenses, so money still needs to come in. But, when I’m not thinking about the money to pay all that, I’m totally excited that my job is ending in 6 more days, and that I’m starting some new adventure with my own skills on my own terms.
And what do I wish I had more money for? A cleaning lady, consultations ebooks and courses by my most admired kings and queens of blogistan, books, the chance to go to the beach every day, a landscaper….not a new car, not a bigger/better house, not new clothes (well, occasionally), and I’m grateful I’m over all that.
I love your relationship with money, you know what it is, you know what you need, and, like your words, you spend it wisely, on the things you truly care about.
We should all be so smart.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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John C Davies
replied:
on June 22nd, 2010 at 8:56 am
@PicsieChick, Yeah I never read Rand either.
“I’m grateful I’m over all that.”
Indeed, its a bit of a relief to set that big piece of luggage down. It allows you to pick up and examine all the other shiny stuff you come across. That’s how YOU are able to ‘see things’ that others miss. You can see ‘the beauty in the small things’ because you are motivated and moved by their other values. That comes through in your work. That comes through in your passion. That comes through in YOU.
-J
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Wow. I think you just knocked a few people (at least people I know) down a few notches. I think alot of people measure sacrifice by doing anything at all that is not for themselves. “ok, I will sacrifice my cupcake so you can have it”. The perspective you have shared today is a knock up’side the head of what sacrifice really is. Thanks…
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I always hear strong admonitions about Ayn Rand – it’s either MUST read or MUST NEVER read with no in between, which confuses me so I do nothing. But your post makes me curious – does Rand ascribe value to sacrifice – and is it greater than the value of deferred gratification, commitment and investing? Tho’ the suggestion that Rand is un-PC has piqued my curiosity.
In any case, this is a thought provoking post. I like the idea of commitment – and the implied idea of choice, rather than the fake martyrdom of un-sacrifice. I gave up a high paying career and am spending time with my kids. It didn’t hurt (much) so I guess that’s commitment. Or – with the right glasses – blessing in disguise.
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Nathan Hangen - Digital Emperor
replied:
on June 22nd, 2010 at 12:17 pm
@ami | 40daystochange, No, she does not believe in sacrifice and furthermore, says this:
“I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone’s right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need…the world is suffering from an orgy of self-sacrifice.”
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 22nd, 2010 at 12:26 pm
@Nathan Hangen – Digital Emperor, and THAT is why I quoted her.
Ayn Rand thinks that we’ve been indoctrinated into believing that sacrifice is a virtue and that sacrifice is the pseudo-morality taught to us by religion and society – and all the doctrine of sacrifice does is keep us passive.
I am NOT an objectivist, and I DO worship at the altar of doing-for-others, but I believe that sacrifice is bullshit.
Nothing I do for others is a sacrifice. Nothing I do for the long game is a sacrifice. It is all freely chosen and freely given.
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PicsieChick
replied:
on June 22nd, 2010 at 1:06 pm
@Kelly Diels, Interesting. This sounds a lot like the conclusion I came to in my early 20′s. “There is no valid reason for doing something (or not doing something) other than you want to.”
Strip everything away and every moment is a new choice. You’ll never reach happiness or fulfillment, if you’re making those choices based on something outside yourself.
What a great discussion!
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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ami | 40daystochange
replied:
on June 22nd, 2010 at 4:09 pm
@PicsieChick, I agree – pretty heady stuff for a blog post
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I’ve been peeling back the layers of my tangled and slightly unhealthy relationship with money of late and I’m seeing that beyond food and shelter and Littlest Pet Shops (natch), I’ve been categorizing expenses as either investments OR rewards.
Loving the commitment lens.
And honey, you quote ANYONE, ANY TIME. You make it work, like the rock star that you are.
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Money…Sacrifice…Commitment…Ayn Rand… all in one post. I think I am in heaven!
I am one of those who does not think money is necessarily a good thing. Yes, it is a necessary thing – food, shelter, transport, occasional fun/vacation/getaway, wine, water, etc. But it is not a good thing to value yourself by.
I love how I make my money. Do I spend a lot of it on me? Not too much but some. I spend it where I like to – on my home (rented, no mortgage), on my children (all six of them even though four are adults and on their own, sort of, now), on our food.
Love the writing, Kelly!!!!
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ya know, I love Ayn Rand. Not because I always agree with her (although, I’m with you on this one) but because she makes me think like no other conservative/individualist/what-have-you can. She speaks my language – but from the opposite side of the fence.
(Warning: this comment is disjointed, unlike your post)
I am also very committed to Starbucks. I spent the weekend away while I was moving (don’t ask me how I accomplished that…) and was very glad to be back in its loving embrace this morning. However, I think we need our space a little bit (mostly cause I want to lessen the money I spend/commitment to them!).
Finally, money = commitment, hells yeah. This is so what I mean when I talk about mindfully spending money on the things that are important to me and the things that bring me more joy in life. Not on stupid disposable shit. Which is why I will probably continue this comment on Scoutie Girl tomorrow….
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Oh, yes.
I adore this re-thinking of sacrifice, because truly, it’s no sacrifice to be spending (all of our) money on a home and food and electricity while my husband’s underemployed. It’s just *life*.
And I love life.
My commitments (from the view from my bank account): rent, utilities, food, spending time with friends/family and, of course, coffee.
In other words: life. I’m committed to my life.
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oh oh oh i LOVE this!
i really love money and totally love the way i spend it – i love what it creates in my world. adventures on the other side of the planet where everything about the culture is foreign to me. spa days in the lap of luxury. all the art supplies my muse wants. oh yum yum yum money really helps me keep my commitment to living my true life.
but earning? uhggh. i’m 50% there. i have a 3 days a week job that is fine – it’s fun and i’m helping people – but it’s not my true passion. and i have committed to changing this by the end of this year.
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Wow, what a thought provoking article in that “I’ve never thought of it that way before” sort of way. What struck me the most while reading is how often I heard the word sacrifice during my childhood: this is a sacrifice because I’m doing without for you, be good because this is a sacrifice for me, you behave like that after I’ve sacrificed so much for you? The word really is a catch-all for denying choice, responsibility and commitment. Hmm.
So where does that leave me and my commitments? I’m not entirely sure. My work life has been inconsistent at best, yet I do manage to pay my bills, meet my responsibilities, and still find money for the things I enjoy. This is definitely something I need to think about so more.
Thanks for the great post.
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Hi Kelly, I liked how you first talked about money then transitioned it into sacrifice then tied it together which resulted in commitment. I do agree that sacrifice is often giving up something of higher value for something of lower value, but there’s usually a good reason for doing so in the long term. And from hearing older bloggers speak, a lot of them have given sacrificed a high paying corporate job in order to risk blogging and have that flexible time to spend with their children.
Currently, I’m not really a big spender and I have never really been. I usually spend more money when I’m out with my friends compared to using it for myself. I earn my money from freelancing so in a way it does match up to my commitment of hopefully becoming a successful blogger one day because I could be trying to get a real job right now. But I’m also going to be taking a teaching credential program for the next year so that’s also why I’m not.
Anyway, thanks for this article. It was an interesting read!
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Love this post Kelly!
I applaud you for quoting Rand. As easy it is to hate on her works these days – her message is still strong and I for one have certainly grown considerably from reading them.
Essentially – what I like most – is self-responsibility.
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Interesting post. Ayn Rand gets an unfair knock – the passage you quoted is a great example of how she actually had some pretty interesting stuff to say.
…Like you! This post has definitely made me think about what my spending habits say about my commitments: Personal development, learning and chai tea.
Thanks for an awesome post
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Never mind never reading her, I’ve never even heard of this Ayn Rand person. Is she more of a North American phenomenon? Or did I just sleep-in for that entire module at university I wonder?
Fascinating perspective. Like plenty others here, a big chunk of my money/commitment seems to be dedicated to rent/bills/delicious-and-unnecessary treats.
But the biggest chunk goes on ‘savings.’ I tell people, and myself, that I’m saving for the deposit on a house, so I can get myself a mortgage. But it’s not really. I don’t want a mortgage, I have no interest in buying a house, I never have, it’s simply what I’m ‘meant’ to do next and people accept it as a valid reason to save…
Really my savings/commitment is to freedom. It’s a commitment to having the option to do what I value when I come to the next big crossroads in my life. It may be to buy a house, or it may be to travel, or it may be to hold out against a job I’d hate and wait a month or two for the job I love, or it may be to strike out on my own as an entrepreneur, or it may be to take extended maternity leave rather than having to go straight back out to work… I don’t know yet. It’ll be damned interesting to find out though.
Thank you for such an excellent post, it’s got me thinking about commitments and so called ‘sacrifices’ in inspiring new ways.
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Thank you, this post had a huge effect on me.
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So… Sacrifice is when you want to quote Pema Chodron and quite Ayn Rand instead?
Hold on, explain it to me again?
(NB Rand-ignoramus here.)
2 things:
1- Where I put my money/time is where I am committed. Zowee. Makes my head spin…
2- Best comments-discussion in a looong time. Nice!
*googles Ayn Rand*
Oh.
.-= Andrew Lightheart´s last blog ..Permission =-.
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Oh my, you pulled the Ayn Rand out of the attic : ) Objectivist epistomology blar blar, notwithstanding it was a great quote and totally relevant so, yay! You’re ahead of me and 3/4 of the universe. I jive with the Starbucks, the kids, the doing it all for love and still wanting to be famous. Yup. The way I earn money in line with commitments…hmmm. I don’t like my job but am committed to providing for me and son. So, yes. Oh my god! That isn’t a sacrifice is it. Crikey, I’m in trouble lol. As for putting my $ where my heart is…Yeah, I’m definitely doing that and wanna do more. GREAT POST. Thank you. : )
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What a great post! According to Rand’s definition, I don’t know that I’ve ever made a true sacrifice in my life (must cogitate on that one…)
I have, however, made plenty of commitments, and am intimately familiar with delayed gratification. Right now I’m delaying gratification from anything that costs money and is not a direct investment in my business, because I’m committed to paying off debt.
And I’m delaying gratification from lots of things I love to do and am passionate about in order to work late into the night, because I’m committed to creating a thriving business doing what I love.
I can tell these are not true sacrifices, however, because I can actually *taste* the future gratification that I hope my current delayed gratification will bring me!
My *commitment* is to living the live a really, really want, and to hopefully help others do the same in the process. That’s where my time and money are going!
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Very intriguing post, Kelly. And I read all the comments before starting mine.
You asked about money and commitment but I can’t stop thinking about Ayn Rand’s perspective about sacrifice. Here’s mine:
Surrendering a higher value for a lower one is impossible to do for an evolved person. Why? Because for someone with perception, there IS no lower value. It’s my opinion, that through the process of sincere sacrifice, of doing something without expecting anything in return, some valuable lesson is LEARNED on the part of the giver, some insight has penetrated deeper into the giver’s soul. And so in subtle ways, the giver has become a “better” person and sometimes the world becomes a “better” place. Of course, if no one recognizes the rewards, they go unclaimed. And thus, a lower value IS created. That’s why it’s so important to seriously watch the world and absorb all its details and gifts of truth. Only then can there be a balance of life.
As for money and commitment, I’m like you Kelly, I can’t get interested in it that much, and I won’t work for cash if I don’t like what I’m doing.
Irv
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Hi, I’m back, I went to bed, and couldn’t stop thinking about this post.
First up, this sentence freaks me out the more I think about it: “If you give money to help a friend, it is not a sacrifice; if you give it to a worthless stranger, it is.” Did this Ayn Rand person live in a world where there were ‘worthless strangers’?! Do other people live in that world?
Second, and kind of like what Irving Podolski just said, having absorbed this definition of sacrifice, is there anyone out there who can say they’ve ever made a true sacrifice? I don’t think I can.
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