our touch-phobic, sex-obsessed culture. We’re sublimating, kids.
Sure, I’m obsessed with sex. I’m also obsessed with food, status, security and avoiding pain and I’m willing to bet it is historic hard-wiring. It is my reptile brain. My mammal brain. My humanity. My femininity.
And, I suspect, my culture too.
Because other than my lovers, and my children are the only people who kiss and hug and touch me.
If I didn’t have two small, non-profit distributors of kisses and cuddles, my life would be bereft of skin-to-skin, lip-to-lip, chest-to-chest, and heart-to-heart contact.
And so in the sex dance the moments that most deeply thrill me have nothing to do with getting off. They’re about getting close. About skin and human heat and intimacy and together.
Like: the sweet shock of a suddenly bare chest-to-chest embrace.
Like: voluptuous, extravagant kissing that tells stories.
Like: permission to touch someone.
So I understand all the hullaballoo “adults” in the media are raising about pre-mature sexualization and teen hook-up culture (as if it is strictly a teen phenomena):
oh my god it will be The Death of Intimacy.
It is soul-less, mercenary, predatory, and if they keep it up, Those Kids Today won’t develop the interpersonal skills necessary to support lasting, loving, intimate relationships.
And the dyad is the cornerstone of North American culture, y’all! How will we fight about what marriage means and who gets to be allowed to do it if Those Damn Kids are too busy hooking up to settle down?
Those Kids Today are going to break society.
As if it isn’t already broken.
We worry, too, about the broken souls of promiscuous girls – when we’re not ogling them and eating them up – who use sex to feel loved. Who are lacking the love, affection, commitment and validation they (and all human folk) need, and so seek it in sex. Who shortcircuit love and emotional intimacy for carnal electricity.
Well, hell, don’t only point the finger at sad and lonely fifteen year old girls.
They’re not the only ones sexting. Trust. They’re not the only lonely ones aching for touch. Believe.
When I was eighteen, a young man knocked on my dorm room door and invited me for a motorcycle ride. It was night. It was cold. We went back to his house and he offered me hot chocolate. He stood at the counter, mixing the cocoa, with his back to me, and I felt an overwhelming desire to hug him. So I did. I walked up behind him and slipped and tightened my arms around him. I leaned into him. I held him.
He stiffened.
Then he grabbed and held my arms and hands that were holding him and melted into me. I can’t even put into words what happened in that hug. There was a fierceness and a hunger in that surrender. That connection is forever carved into me.
He told me that he couldn’t remember the last time someone hugged him. And when he worked at remembering he realized that his last hug happened when he was seven years old.
Four years later, I married that guy. That was probably a mistake.
But emotion-free, intimacy-lite hook ups are probably less of a psyche-eating danger to Those Kids Today than is untrammelled, soul-scarring, love ‘n unprepared early marriage.
And we’re all hungry. For touch, intimacy, sex, cuddling, communion.
About the author
- More at
Nice entry about the power of intimacy and skin to skin contact. There is not enough of that and I think we all suffer when we miss the power of touch and what it means in our lives. If we do not reach out to other human beings we are living a sterile existence that is lacking in love and fulfillment. Thanks for verbalizing this need. Ciao, Ardee-ann
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 21st, 2010 at 7:43 am
@Ardee-ann, of course there’s research about the impact of lack of touch on infants (they don’t grow and “flourish” the way babies who are touched do) but I’ve been wondering about the impact of lack of touch has on adults. I have *suspicions*
[Reply]
April
replied:
on June 21st, 2010 at 2:50 pm
@Kelly Diels, I have suspicions, too! It just doesn’t seem possible that our need for touch would just fade away. I believe most, if not all, human beings need witness, through being seen *and* touched, to have a truly thriving life.
[Reply]
You are the voice of the teeming reptiles and mammals in my soul!
I think of just what you’re talking about often as I delect in unconditional, unrestrained hugs and kisses and snuggles and caresses with my little boy. I would crumble in the wind without them.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 21st, 2010 at 7:44 am
@Annabel, me too, me TOO!
I am the voice of teeming reptiles? I’m delighted!
thanks, Annabel
[Reply]
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had men (and women) weep when I offer an un-sexualized touch of pure love and caring. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished someone would offer me the same comfort – or how many times I’ve wept to receive that elusive gift.
Touch is a funny, sexualized thing in our culture… in many cultures… and it shouldn’t be. We are given the gift of a physical body to experience the innocent pleasure of the touch of community – and the intimate and aching touch of a passionate encounter; but the two are in fact different, and our fear of sexuality only holds us back emotionally.
I sometimes fear physical contact because I don’t trust that it can’t be sexual, but those times I open to the comfort of a friend – or a lover – I feel a kind of peace and connection that I can only otherwise attain through intense meditation.
Thank you, as always, for sharing in such a lovely, articulate manner.
<3
[Reply]
This is not a universal problem, in much of Europe a hug is a normal greeting between friends and even co-workers. As a Brit, I also grew up with this puritanical fear of physicality, ‘stiff upper lip, and all that’, but my continental genes, thankfully, won out and and I, and my family and friends, are big ‘huggers’, why don’t you try it? ;oD *HUG*
[Reply]
I didn’t grow up in a family of huggers so have no idea how I have raised at least one. Maybe it is because he is the youngest. Maybe it is because he is like his mama more than I care to admit. My 15 y/o will still hug and cuddle.
I love touch. So much can be communicated with touch. Let me take some of your pain. Let me give you some love or some help.
Great, fantastic, wonderful!! I would give you a huge hug right now if I were on the west coast and closer.
[Reply]
And that, right there, is why I am a massage therapist. Positive, gentle, non-sexual touch.
We struggle to describe and define types of touch. The words always seem to be so loaded. But you got it. Nice.
[Reply]
Even for you, this post is WONDERFUL. Thank you.
[Reply]
Hi,
I can totally understand what you are getting at. I love to touch people, and I think this is why I’m so sexual, I find it’s easiest to have permission to hug to my heart’s content when I am with a lover. I think between two sexually compatible individuals sex and other contact blur together. I actually have a friend who I have sex with sometimes but don’t feel romantically attracted to her at all. It’s basically just a game because we are so close.
I would definitely recommend you relocate to somewhere like Spain if you want to experience more contact (sexual and otherwise).
Interestingly I wrote something a little like this in my post about male intimacy – I was basically saying that sex and contact does not need to be inseperable, and yet it doesn’t need to be compartmentalised either.
[Reply]
So true! Touch is vital – a visceral connection that proves that we are not alone as we experience all the joys and agonies of life.
Sadly, I was about 12 or 13 years old when I was cautioned that my hugging would be interpreted in some unintended sexual way. And here I am, now one of those non-huggy people, feeling awkward in that moment when a hug or a gentle touch would be most needed and wanted, not willing to be the first to cross that line.
Alissa, you’ve got the right idea. As an RMT, for some of your clients you may be the only source of touch, and they will drink it in and healing will result. It worked for me!
And I’ve got a list of people that are getting hugs when I finally meet them in person…..July is getting closer…. yay!
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
It turns out when you get “huggy,” the non-huggy people in your life tend to sort of fade away, to be replaced by “huggy” people. Yet another one of those painful transitions.
[Reply]
Kelly, this post is spot on. My husband’s 92 year old great Aunt Nellie and I have a total love-in when we get together. I sit on the floor by her chair and just touch her arm or her legs and stay rooted to that spot the whole time. She’s just a tiny little thing and it’s all I can do not to scoop her up and run off with her. I get so much out of hugging and kissing on her – it’s amazing. It’s not often someone will get right in close enough to kiss up all over your face like I do with her. We both love it. Ah! The power of touch.
I am thankful that I came from a long line of huggy-touchy Italians. I’ve no problem with all of that. Husband’s (German) family? No one hugs or does any of that so I make it my mission to bring that into the family. (I like to pretend that they are secretly starved for it and are happy I do it. hehe)
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on June 21st, 2010 at 8:43 am
@Lisa@Practically Intuitive, “I like to pretend that they are secretly starved for it and are happy I do it.” No doubt they probably are and would never admit it!
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Yes, affection… be it a hug, a run of fingers through hair, a gentle rub of a shoulder, all of that is communication that cannot be faked. As you explained Kelly, touching is human, natural and needed. A gentle, sincere kiss on the back of the neck, expressing, “I love you” is what keeps the flame glowing long after sex has lost its charge. (Well, it does for my wife and me, as we head towards our thirty-sixth year of marriage.)
But of course, there was a time I was single, twenty-four, and living in the Sexual Revolution of 70′s “free love.” I remember so well, that no matter how many lays I scored in a month, and there were a many, without the intimacy, I was left feeling lonely, even more lonely than before the encounters. I know it’s cliche, but this truth can’t be said enough. Sex without a mind meld is just a body connection, not a soul connection. Ultimately, it’s love, loyalty, and commitment we’re seeking, not just a sexual release. Granted, before we find our soulmate, an intimacy-free, light hook up is fine, as long as we all accept that it’s like cotton candy – ultra sweet, but it will soon melt away, leaving no nourishment at all.
But you know that. I love your insight, Kelly.
Irv
[Reply]
Yes. Massage therapists can be the only one’s available to touch, legally, at times. I’ve wept copiously during massages for just this reason.
Kelly. Once again. Tears.
[Reply]
I grew up in India with hugs, touches and massages galore. We have no concept of personal space there. Then I left India 10 years ago to live in the US, Canada and New Zealand. And I understood for the first time what that meant.
Luckily, I’ve always had friends who understood and loved the power of touch. So I haven’t missed out on that cos I GIVE HUGS! Last Thanksgiving I even stood outside the Vancouver Art Gallery with my friend Jean, giving out free hugs
Anyone who knows me knows that they will get a hug from me when we meet and one when we say goodbye. Read somewhere that we need 7 hugs a day to be healthy and happy and boy, I never pass up an opportunity to get my 7. If I don’t get my hugs, well then, I give smiles.
At least 7 hellos a day to people I cross on the streets, in stores etc. Nah I don’t count the smiles, I just do ‘em and do ‘em and do ‘em.
You know how preemies survive better when touched? Touch is LIFE!! @TiaSparkles
[Reply]
<<And we’re all hungry. For touch, intimacy, sex, cuddling, communion.
Fucking right we are.
I am one of the touchiest, kissiest, sexiest people around and goddamn it if I haven't thrown myself at the mercy of a hookup or 9000 just so I could squeeze someone, smell them, bury my face in their neck. Excuse me, I think I have to leave my office for a moment…
[Reply]
Kelly,
Priceless. I am ALWAYS going to click thru on ALL your links from now on. #Justsayin
Once again I have so many thoughts and feelings on this issue and once again I thought that they were unique and I am so glad to hear them echoed not only in your post but in the subsequent discussion.
I hate to throw this kinda stuff in around here cuz I’m not an expert at all (although I did fake it remarkably well on a 100 level anthropology final) but it occurs to me that us humans communicated with touch long before those new fangled forms of communication like, uhhh, speech and writing developed. It is the one form of communication that humans understand from birth. It is hardwired. No learning curve required. And on pondering this point it occurred that the only thing we ever ‘learn’ about touch is how to misinterpret it and if we are really clever, manipulate it.
We talk of having ‘the right touch’ or ‘reaching out touching someone’ (some have even accused me of being a little ‘touched’ myself) so it is clear that even in today’s world touch still holds significance and relevance. It’s an arguable point to contend that it has been given too much significance… that a touch is not something to be shared between family, friends and god forbid co-workers. So we live in a deprivation chamber devoid of touch and this only serves to further reinforce the disconnect.
Given this condition, is it really that hard to understand why youth behave the way that they do when they are given and give permission to touch… without ever having been exposed to it? Full of preconceived or imagined concepts with no basis in experience. Like frat boys at their first kegger… its go, go, go. No one says stop ’till it’s too late. Those things always end up messy.
-J
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 21st, 2010 at 6:10 pm
@John C Davies, so glad you clicked on “that” link #justsayin
and wow. John. You can make this space your home, any time.
[Reply]
John C Davies
replied:
on June 21st, 2010 at 8:57 pm
@Kelly Diels, Kelly,
Perhaps I’ll crash on the couch while my own home is under construction. Thanks. And I also totally promise not to leave the seat up.
-J
[Reply]
One thing I miss from all my years froot picking is the sheer amount of massage we gave each other, yes, it was to ease aching muscles but also it created a closeness and mutual trust. Plus you haven’t lived unless you have had two friends gently pulling both arms outwards whilst another massages around the thoracic spine and shoulders! Ooooooooh! … See moreBut yes, friendships are under-rated and not seen as a relationship where hugs and hand-holding are appropriate. It’s a damn shame.
In the UK up until the early years of the 20th century, if a married couple were expecting a visit from, say, a childhood friend of one of them then the other spouse would be expected, quite naturally and unquestioned, to sleep in another room whilst the two old and dear friends shared the bed together. This arrangement was gender
based, that is only friends of the same sex would do this, which includes men much to everyone’s surprise.
The emphasis of closeness being only appropriate in an exclusive sexual relationship is comparatively recent. And I believe that we are the poorer for it.
about a minute ago
[Reply]
I grew up in a family of non-huggers. Now, I am uncomfortable with hugs, unless I know the person well. I don’t know that I am all that concerned about it! I don’t feel like I am missing out because I don’t feel good when being hugged.
I know some of you will think that I am somewhat stunted in my development, but, I just don’t get all that excited about a hug. Maybe I should move to some more open country so I can get my hug-o-meter fixed!
[Reply]
love this. the struggle to preserve the sacred in touch is never ending. i was just telling one of my girlfriends the other night about how, as a single mother, i’ve dated….and met a lot of guys who want physical intimacy without a relationship and i bitch about it like it’s absurd…and then realize wait, i am the one participating in this less than satisfying activity and then complaining. it IS, in fact, okay to let touch be sacred and as much as i might loooooove to just take-off-my-shirt-right-now-please, it’s better to remember the sacredness of touch itself and just melt, that’s exactly it…just melt into a chest, a shoulder, a hug. to touch for the sake of touch, not sexual pleasure. to be there for the sake of closeness.
http://bohophotography.blogspot.com/2010/06/cedar-drumming-on-blue-almost-19-months.html
another post on touch.
i think, at least for myself, i am so dang worried that whomever i try and hug or touch is going to be offended by that offering…but maybe there’s nothing to lose. maybe they are offended…and then it’s their misery they can deal with, not mine, right?
*sigh*
thanks for posting this. i’m going to share it on my blog if you don’t mind.
[Reply]
“Those Kids Today are going to break society.
As if it isn’t already broken.”
Thank you for those words! As it it isn’t already broken, please don’t deny this, people!
I am so grateful to have grown up in an embracing family, hugging, kissing, holding hands. I’m 28 and live 17 hours from my parents, but if I did go home and went for a car ride I’d still probably hold my dad’s hand….
So now, as an adult, it’s interesting to encounter people who aren’t the hugging/touching type. I can sense them, and know when it would be completely inappropriate to throw an ‘embrace’ on them. Yet a lot of times I will simply warn them as I go in for the yes-I-just-met-you-but-goodbye hug. Most of the times I get a rewarding hug in return. I will forever continue to do this.
You said:
“But emotion-free, intimacy-lite hook ups are probably less of a psyche-eating danger to Those Kids Today than is untrammelled, soul-scarring, love ‘n unprepared early marriage.”
I can’t wait for the day people stop marrying so young… yet I know it won’t happen in my lifetime. It’s such a fine line to create the proper perspective in a child’s life that they understand the importance of love, while being able to embrace the fleeting nature of teenage love.
I’m in a relationship with someone my age who has an ex-wife and two children. Without wanting to resent any of them, I can’t tell you how much that ‘unprepared early marriage’ comes back to haunt our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we will end up missing out on ‘us’ because of the decisions that were made too early in his life….
[Reply]
This post makes me feel so normal. Not that I get any joy out of your needing or wanting more intimacy but that I can relate to you and identify to that need as a woman. I need to be hugged, touched, kissed and loved as much as anybody else.
Hardly anyone touches me. Some can barely look at me. Although it hurts on the inside I always smile in a desperate attempt to get people men to see me — the woman — behind the wheelchair. I fail to understand how some people can choose to be in relationships without any intimacy. I crave it. I am an affectionate person by nature so it’s difficult to go without.
Just yesterday I had a few flirtatious text messages with a really nice guy. It set my heart racing and it was such fun. But most importantly, it gives me hope that maybe one day I will have the joy of a deep, passionate kiss (and maybe more) from a single, drop dead gorgeous guy. Mmmm…
[Reply]
[...] It exists & I’ve seen it. I’m so glad to see someone talk about this. ♥ I absolutely LOVED Kelly Diels latest post. What does it mean to live in a culture that is “touch-deprived” yet [...]
[...] Our Touch-Phobic, Sex-Obsessed Culture. THANK YOU. [...]