Kelly:…I’m so much more nefarious and strategic than anyone gives me credit forKelly: ‘cept you.Kelly: and my ex.Kelly: He’s convinced our entire marriage was a conspiracy.
————-
And he’s probably not entirely wrong.
————-
Wondering: maybe, sometimes, this is what The Dudes think?
That this relationship business is a honeypot -
- a bait-and-switch almost too seductive to resist?
Because the truth is…sometimes it is a honeypot.
Sometimes we (and by “we” I mean “I”) want The Relationship more than we want the man in front of us.
But he’d look so nice painting that white picket fence.
And so he’ll do.
—————–
My ex is A Good Guy and I did him wrong.
In the aftermath of our split, here’s the score:
I have a beautiful house, two devilish/angelic kids (depending who you ask), a career, and pretty much everything I ever wanted.
(‘Cept a partner. But these things happen when they happen. And a vehicle with German engineering. But again, will happen eventually.)
He lives alone with the BMW, rottweiler and leather sofa.
I can see why he thinks he got screwed.
I can see why he thinks that one of us had an agenda all along.
I can see why some of us are hesitant to jump in and swim again.
—————
At dinner a couple of months ago, my friend Lianne Raymond (teacher, life coach but she prefers the term “life poet”) told us that the young men she teaches are amazing. They’re sensitive, emotionally expressive, tender, affectionate and they have great communication skills.
And these sixteen and seventeen year old soon-to-be men come to her with broken hearts. They’re distraught when their relationships dissolve. They take it so much harder than do the young women.
Her theory? Heterosexual men aren’t allowed to express their emotions in other venues of their lives, so they often make their girlfriends their emotional centres. Their partners are their most trusted confidantes and sometimes their only source of emotional support. And so when they lose that relationship, they suffer intensely. They’ve lost the relationship, the friendship, and the emotional solidarity.
Women, on the other hand, are terrific at spreading their emotional needs across a network of friends and sisters. When a relationship breaks up, they’ve still got sources of emotional support.
And that’s why lots of women love Sex and The City. For the friendship. Because it is true.
———-
The connections?
I’m wrestling with the eternal issue of commitment phobia.
And here’s what I think: heterosexual men and women are equally emotional. We all have emotions, we just express them and the needs that drive them, differently.
Men need partners just as much as women do. Men aren’t inherently afraid to commit.
But I think the fairy tale that women decry as restrictive and delusional is just as narrow and confining for men.
I had lunch with a colleague and he told me that The Fairy Tale seduces and betrays men, too. He has two gay friends who married women and had families – and then had to leave them – because they desperately wanted to be let into the dream.
This dream needs to be re-dreamed so that love and family is at the centre rather than heterosexuality and rules that pinch us more than they protect us.
My point…I do have one, you know.
In the fairy tale, where is the prince? Who is the prince? What does he do?
Not much, actually. He just shows up and satisfies female yearning.
Now I’m sure there are times when that is a great gig.
But do we care about the Prince’s character development? Do we care who he is? Do we even see him?
He’s Prince Charming. He’s tall, dark and handsome and his kisses break spells. He looks good on a white horse. He shows up to be married at the appropriate moment.
Basically, he’s marriageable.
Now, if I described a woman like that (marriageable) I think we’d all agree that I didn’t really say a damn thing about her. We’d have no idea who she is.
And so I’m wondering if “commitment phobic” men – and I don’t believe that men are truly commitment phobic – fear, deeply, that the women in their lives value them for their roles rather than their selves?
Do men fear being valued for their husband-ability rather than their intrinsic and individual worth?
And…if they do fear that, no wonder they hesitate to jump in and commit. Because if they do commit and it all goes to hell they’ll be sleeping on the leather sofa. Alone.
(Maybe with the dog but only if the dog commits the grievous error of peeing on bare female feet and so Must Go, too.)
And he’ll be gazing at the ceiling, suffering, wondering what the hell happened and what he’s going to do and who he can talk to while his ex convenes with her girlfriends, sisters and goddesses who eternally and unconditionally have her back, heart and soul.
If I was him I’d be scared too.
Wouldn’t you?
Right on, Kelly, this has been my experience and observation too, but you express it so beautifully. I’m in the midst of total madness settling into a new country so I am incapable of saying anything more profound than that, but I’m making the time to read your stuff-it’s an oasis for me. Thanks!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:05 am
@Annabel, I’ve been thinking about you and your grand new-country adventure. I can’t wait to talk to you and hear more about it…and thank you so much. To have my writing described as an “oasis” is water in the desert. mwah.
[Reply]
Stumbled across this concept not long ago myself (quite a long story, just gonna skip to the conclusion):
When a guy feels betrayed by the one they love/care about that’s it. Some form of trust is broken and its really hard for that to return, if it ever does. If you lose all your support at once you’re not going to forget it in a hurry!
Bang on about fairytales too, we all kind of crave it on some level (I swear, it’s bred into us) but the reality is so much better.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:08 am
@Heather, reality IS so much better.
I had a rollercoaster weekend (obviously) but what I’ve found in the last several months is that much of the Sound and Fury in my life comes from resisting the facts.
When I just deal with the situation instead of making noise and decrying it, everything is easier.
And I think a lot of the grief and disappointment I used to have romantically came from measuring the gap between reality and fantasy – and from privileging the fantasy over the flesh-and-blood wonderful man in front of me.
Reality really is so much better, because it is always surprising. Even when it is ordinary, it is surprising.
As Dave says, Eros is in the mundane.
[Reply]
Heather
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:13 am
@Kelly Diels, Oh definitely! Most of the disappointments and mistakes I’ve had and made are because of some messed up notion of how things ‘should be’. Been a little while since I thought about it in those terms and it’s really made a huge difference…
I suppose if I were to measure it against the ideal it isn’t, but that’s not what its all about. Plus, you appreciate the little things more
[Reply]
Hey Kelly,
It’s really refreshing to hear a woman talk about this. There’s been many a time when I started dating a woman that I feel like a “fill in” for the role of . . . prince charming or potential husband or whatever she’s thinking – that she doesn’t even see ME.
When you write about it – I feel like the lid’s being lifted on this little secret that we all know about but avoid like the plague.
I also think the pressure that is put on woman (who are in their 30′s to early 40′s) to be apart of the “club” is huge. The club being all the other woman who are married, have kids, a house and a nice car.
Thanks for writing so well about it.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:26 am
@Michael, Thank you so much, Michael.
I am always a little hesitant to write about men, because you know, I’m not one, so what the hell do I know?
Thanks for telling me that what I suspect might be true.
[Reply]
I think we have to remember that the dreams are different too.
Where women seem to dream of the Prince, the kids and the castle with the picket fence, men don’t necessarily dream about that. We dream of conquest. The picket fence is the result, not the goal.
We conquer the female, we conquer the world (read job/ career here), we conquer the cave to live in.
When this all comes apart (and I know from whence I speak), we find we haven’t conquered shit. The female is gone, the world never was really conquered, we were deluding ourselves, and even the damned cave is gone.
You’re right about emotional sharing. We haven’t got time for that! We too bust conquering. When it all goes to hell, there is no commiseration, “don’t be such a pussy! Go out and conquer another one!”
We all seem to live in a fantasy world of, “What we’re supposed to do.” Perhaps someday we will all learn to live with dreams that are not tied to stereotypical models, but who and what we really are. Let our dreams be about our lives, and ours alone!
[Reply]
Consider the society we all grow up in. Bitches Get Stuff Done is another favorite blog to read, these two posts immediately came to mind after reading your post this morning:
On Passivity and Gender
What Girls Think, I Guess (mostly for the image at the top of the post rather than the post itself)
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
@Melissa, omgosh the imatge was most excellent…I’m so glad you linked to it!
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I swear, this is like the third time I’ve read something making this point in the past few days, when it is especially pertinent to my situation.
I feel like yelling a big, exasperated “fine!” up at the universe.
Thanks for spreading your truth and words and ideas. Even if I don’t really like it that much right now. (Grumble grumble.)
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:27 am
@Miranda, let’s say it together:
FINE! WE GET IT!!!
sheesh.
[Reply]
“Do men fear being valued for their husband-ability rather than their intrinsic and individual worth?” Carrie Bradshaw ain’t got nothing on you you, Kelly. Duh.
Thank you for opening this up and giving voice to it. There WILL be a husband-wife convo about this very thing in my house. I will stifle my desire to “fix” the fact that his emotional needs are not spread across a network of friends and brothers. And will meet him where it’s needed…in the middle.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
@Tanya Geisler, 15 years ago there was the issue that went around the news (I swear I’m not making this up) that restrooms in the workplace should be co-ed so that women wouldn’t be shut out of the “old boy network” so obviously occurring in the men’s room.
Thing is, men do NOT talk in the men’s room. Not ever. Maybe a grunt or two “howya doin” but that’s it.
Turns out most men don’t talk to each other anywhere else either.
Unless they play sports or are in a fraternity or whatnot. Where they can pool their knowledge. About women. Think about that a bit, it may lead you to some startling conclusions.
It’s a problem. I think it’s _the_ problem of our time.
[Reply]
Oh, I love this. I’ve always wrestled with the idea of commitment and The Relationship, because I don’t want a lot of what women are supposed to want, but yet I do kinda want a Prince Charming and a fairy tale even as I rebel against it, and well, it’s messy.
But now, I’m trying to break that stuff down, because I’m with someone that I really want to be with, and every time I try and fit us or him into any particular mold it just doesn’t work. Which is a good thing. We have to just be me and him and us, not roles or characters. And it’s more beautiful that way.
Your posts always make me think, thank you!
[Reply]
I agree wholeheartedly. Both sexes have been sold a dream…and the reality can leave many of us bereft. As mom of a son, I’m very aware of the societal messages he receives (don’t be a wimp, don’t act like a girl, don’t be a crybaby) and do my best to counteract those commands. Show your feelings, sensitivity is strength, compassion is admirable… We women are often complicit in the stifling of men’s feelings. We want them emotional when it suits us, and tough when it suits us. Similarly, women take heat for being strong and “like a man”. Both sexes need to break out of these suits that constrain.
[Reply]
As a friend has said (numerous times!), “Walt Disney fucked us over”. The fairy tale, the prince…you’d think it’d be so outdated by now, but it’s not! That’s the issue that I’m fascinated by.
Awesome post, than you!
Sandi
[Reply]
Men have no issue with commitment. At least, none of the men I know have any problem with commitment.
They have a problem with getting a bad deal.
[Reply]
Sean Neprud
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 9:28 am
@Dave Doolin,
Yup.
[Reply]
kareem
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
@Dave Doolin, amen.
[Reply]
There are a few unwritten laws men are expected to follow. (I’d like to shoot the A-hole who wrote them.) One is: Men are expected to make a good living, be the family provider and captain of the ship. (Nothing wrong with that, when there IS a ship, as in, a JOB.) Another law dictates: Men are expected to be strong (no cry-babies allowed) even when the sea kicks the boat upside down and the rudder’s cracked. A third rule: No whining, especially to the crew. (Don’t tell your wife you’re scared. She’ll lose confidence in you. And build those fears as well.)
If we captains can’t protect our families, we feel less like men. We feel like failures, and helpless, and unworthy of love and respect. So we hide in closets and weep alone, burying our humiliation. You see, we’re expected to stay “in control,” even as we fake it and our relationships break down. Even when our loved ones give us permission to fail. Even when our wives bring in a decent income. Even when our partners let us know they understand. Sometimes all that isn’t enough to stop a captain from abandoning his ship. Sometimes he just can’t handle the guilt anymore. Sometimes he feels another “Provider” would better serve his wife and kids. So he resigns, hoping the shame will go away. It doesn’t, for a very long time.
This is just one scenario of why good men fall out of marriage. Why good men cry alone. Yes, the Man Rules need to be removed. I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I DO see however, individual circumstances where women help men to cope and save the ship. But that takes TWO mature captains, sharing responsibility while keeping it honest. We call that “evolution.”
Irv
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:03 am
@Irving Podolsky, When my guy was struggling and fearing “The Relationship”, I almost suggested that instead of having a relationship we should have a pirate ship.
Adventure. Booty. Breaking the rules, braving the storms. We sail wherever we want, together.
(I wasn’t sure if I should be the Pirate Queen or the sexy wench, but my friend Julie Roads said, Of COURSE you’re the Pirate Queen! And of course the Pirate Queen has dress up trunk with a sexy wench costume!)
Your evolution sounds a lot like my pirate ship.
[Reply]
Irving Podolsky
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
@Kelly Diels, Alas me Hearties, sometimes it ain’t an on-board plague that brings a good ship down. Sometimes it’s the curse of the sea blowing into the sails – those expected duties that well up in a pirate captain’s brain, as in taking responsibility for the emotional security of his beloved Pirate Queen.
A long time ago in a land far, far away, my own pirate queen broke the dark and sinister Man Spell that had locked me inside The Failure Cell. She said, on the verge of our parting ways, “You are not responsible for my happiness.” That’s a quote.
You have NO idea how much pressure lifted off this cowering pirate’s shoulders. Hence, I mustered the courage to press on, my beloved Queen and I continued our voyage, and remained husband of wife.
The adventure never ends.
Pirate Irv
[Reply]
kareem
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 7:06 pm
@Irving Podolsky, your queen sounds like an absolute keeper. i had to figure out that i’m not responsible for anybody else’s happiness – and be ok with it – during two difficult post-breakup years.
the good part is that i now have no desire to get involved with any woman who expects me to make her happy – keeping myself happy is work enough, and i can control *my* thoughts and behavior. this simple rule of thumb surprisingly rules out a LOT of women.
[Reply]
It is indeed an odd feeling not to know if the woman likes *me*, or likes my ability to fill the role.
[Reply]
I keep hearing Fiona Apple singing “I’ve been a bad, bad girl. I’ve been careless with a delicate man.”
Indeed. I broke a man’s heart, my ex-husband’s, my son’s father. I broke it many many times (I was in my 20′s-’nuff said). Karma had her bitch-devil way with me.
But yes. I was his ear, 100% of the time. No guy pals. No gal pals (this makes us uncomfortable, right?). He never forgave me. I never blamed him. That ended in 1992. A long time ago. I said I was sorry hundreds of times. Guilt has been a rock I carried with me since then and, even though he died last year of pancreatic cancer, I carry it still.
Now I have a 25 yr old son, delicate as well.
I take great care with that heart of his and I hope the woman he eventually falls for will too.
As always, great piece, moved me to tears.
[Reply]
Jess
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 10:52 am
@Kelly, I so resonate with what you said, especially the ‘Criminal’ lyrics. I’m a couple weeks removed from breaking the heart of a man to whom I was all those things as well . . . and oh, yes, the guilt. I’m familiar.
Great post . . . I will add that my ex had an interesting relationship with his guy friends – apparently they had witnessing DOWN. Whereas my friends all had their opinions and advice, his friends simply listened and held space for what he was saying . . . and then miraculously, still managed to like me after hearing all the dirt. It’s always been my experience that I (& friends) tend to dislike the lovers of my friends after hearing similar heinous tales.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on June 14th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
@Kelly, popular culture would have us believe men have the emotional range of a teaspoon (thank you for that Miss Granger).
Here’s a thought experiment: Suppose men were as deeply and broadly emotional as women, but expressed their emotions differently.
What then?
[Reply]
Darling, as always, I love this post. Interesting for me, though, during the read of your post, and Irving’s answer, is that I identify much more with the masculine side of the equation. I came late to the game of sisterhood and have just begun to build my network of soul-sisters and goddesses, which is just as scary as it is wonderful. When we are used to keeping the darkest bits hidden, it’s intimidating to start letting others see them. When we are used to being an equal in every way, strong and together, it’s not always easy to drop the artifice and ask for help. I’m learning.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
So gloriously clear and articulate, as ever. Thank you, Kelly.
I couldn’t leave my man for a year, no matter how wrong it felt, because I knew he would be alone. In the relationship, he threw his weight around and I dealt with it because I had help and comfort and I could.
Knowing that in leaving him I broke off his connection to the Outside skill kills me a little. Survivor’s Guilt? Hmm..
[Reply]
so interesting that we’re on the same wavelength. i was just in the middle of writing about basically the same topic.. except you’ve articulated it so much better! great way to wrap it up and connect everything together. i do think the fairy tale is restrictive for men, also. i often wonder if i am fair to my partner (you know, when I have one) or if i’m idealizing the relationship more than i’m valuing the person.
[Reply]
Amen. And thank you for saying what those 16 and 17 years old boys and many of us men won’t say ourselves.
I’ve been there, crushed, defeated, dejected. Wine in hand only to be emptied by the bottle, alone.
I’ve wondered who I would talk to about my hurt when the only one I ever talked to was gone.
And it was really only from the other women (and 2 men) in my life that I learned about sharing real feelings with someone other than my partner.
Side note/confession: I’m still not very good at it.
But I realised that there were no answers at the bottom of a bottle when you drink it alone. The answers come from the people you drink it with.
So find you some ppl to drink with gentlemen. And share more than old sports stories while you do it.
Trust me, it’s okay and it works.
[Reply]
You know what’s funny… I have found myself feeling the way you described before. I realize that in your case it is the men and not the women that are insecure so to speak. BUT I’ve found that over the past few relationships I’ve developed this insecurity about being an individual. I find myself wondering if a guy I’m seeing really likes me, LINDSAY, or just likes me, the-girl-who-is-there-in-front-of-them. I don’t know where that came from but it’s a shitty feeling!
[Reply]