What if you don’t need courage?
What if you don’t need to get over yourself?
What if that thing that’s holding you back, that thing you think you need to to do in order to get what you want -
what if you don’t have to do it?
I’m serious. Don’t do it. Don’t leap that hurdle. Don’t knock down that wall. Go around it. It’s the long way around, sure, but it still gets you there.
I travelled that road called Avoiding Scary Things. I don’t know if it is the road more or less travelled – and this advice and this path is most certainly counter-intuitive – but it got me where I needed to go.
Just over a year ago, I started a business. I didn’t tell myself or anyone else it was a business and it didn’t make a cent for more than seven months.
But it was still a business.
But starting a business scared me. I’m great at writing; but I’m not so great at braving rejection.
(Ditto for sex ‘n love.)
(I digress.)
Knocking on doors? Asking for business? Making sales? Closing the deals?
I would rather die.
And so I was, quietly, for a long time.
I wanted to write for a living but I didn’t want to go out and get that writing business.
And so I did nothing. Because that thing that scared me was undo-able.
And then I decided to lead with my strengths. I did the thing everyone tells you NOT to do:
I believed that if I built it, they would come.
So I wrote it, and they did.
Sometimes you don’t have to knock on doors. Sometimes you go through windows.
Or screens.
——————————-
Catherine Caine inspired me to write this essay.
Catherine interviewed me for her fear management resource, “Awesome Fear Wrangling: Tame Your Website Fears, Grow an Awesome Website” and asked me how I managed my fear when I started my blog.
I’m not sure how helpful I was to Catherine, but two significant things came out of that interview for me:
1. I realized that, in fact, my website WAS – and is – how I manage fear.
I fear being irrelevant and unheard…and so I blog.
I fear rejection and ‘asking’ for business…and so I blog.
My blog is my live-action business card, therapists’ couch, and way of fumbling towards a craft and legacy.
2. After our interview, Catherine and I chatted personally. Really personally. Naked pictures might have been exchanged. (That’s a lie: this was not a symmetrical “exchange”. Catherine showed me hers, I did not show her mine. So unfair. I’m sorry, honey. I owe ya.) And at the time of our call, I was in the writhing, anguished throes of my “How to Get Un-Stuck” series, and Catherine asked me what was scaring me.
I told her: I need to create products, but I don’t want to write another boring e-book. I keep starting e-books answering questions people ask me, but my heart isn’t in the e-book. I want to give and connect more directly and intimately.
Catherine said, “What you have to offer…maybe it doesn’t have to be an e-book. It could be a course, a webinar, consulting…there are other ways. You can do the thing you want to do without making it into a pdf.”
And…yep, it can be. And it is.
So much love to Catherine Caine for helping me think my way through and around that scary thing called Stuck.
Thank you! I can really relate to this.
[Reply]
You darling.
Also, naked pix plzkthx
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
@Catherine Caine, done.
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Oh, and I just quit the Day Job ten minutes ago. I am SHITTING MYSELF.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
@Catherine Caine, I’m ECSTATIC for you, you brave monkey, you. xoxoxoxo
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PicsieChick
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
@Catherine Caine, OMG! Congratulations! I am proud and a bit envious! You Rock!!!!
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 31st, 2010 at 1:21 pm
@PicsieChick, Thanks, you.
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John C Davies
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
@Catherine Caine, “Only one thing to do in that case: shit in yer pants an’ dive in and swim!” #Quote -Lawrence Tierney as Joe in Reservior Dogs.
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Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 31st, 2010 at 1:22 pm
@John C Davies, Well, I DO seem to have clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right…
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Dave Doolin
replied:
on May 31st, 2010 at 10:57 am
@Catherine Caine, welcome to the real world, for real!
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Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 31st, 2010 at 1:22 pm
@Dave Doolin, Eeeeeeee!
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I like Catherine’s point that it doesn’t have to be a PDF. I’ve been thinking the same way, that somehow, the E-Book is really the only way of monetizing a blog, but it’s not. Hard to get around that “being stuck” thing.
Thanks for the post Kelly!
[Reply]
Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
@Ross Hudgens, there are a squillion options. It’s so liberating that whatever style suits you can work if you use it right!
P.S. I will never make a giganto-product again.
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You know what, Kelly? I take pictures for the same reasons you blog. And I intend to have the same result as you and Catherine have had.
Why can’t I make my living from the thing that saves me?
(steps have been taken. I’ll get there)
I just beg you: please, even when you’re not scared, please keep writing on your blog. I love your words in so many ways, and missed you a lot since your last post!
And I can’t wait to get some of that one-on-one learning from you, honey.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 7:37 pm
@PicsieChick, sweetness I know you can find it! I cheer for you.
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“I fear being irrelevant and unheard…and so I blog”
My goodness, my godess. If you keep saying the things that I’m thinking I may never leave you alone.
Bon job and merci.
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Kelly, whenever I read your blog I think of passion. Probably because of some subtle messages strategically placed around. Nevertheless, I think of passion and it reminds me of the numerous times I’ve heard about needing to have a passion for blogging in order to be successful.
Really, I’ve heard it in relation to any number of activities concerning both vocations and avocations. Everyone needs to be passionate about what they’re doing. There’s a passion for passion out there.
It’s caused me to reflect on what I’m passionate about and what it means to be passionate. I think most people use it to mean excited and dedicated. You have to be excited about your business or you’ll never convince people to buy from you or follow you.
I’ll admit there’s a certain degree of contagiousness to excitement. When I’m around a person who is excited about what they’re doing it often makes me excited too. But I’ve also been around a lot of people who express themselves in an understated way but nevertheless connect with me on a deep level.
And I’ll say this about commitment; I’m not passionate about car maintenance, but I’m committed to it.
I think passion is a deeper form of connection. Excitement and devotion may flow from passion but you don’t need to feel passion to get excited or be committed.
I can run a business without passion, I can have a hobby I’m dispassionate about, I can write without needing to write. I think it’s just another way to explain failure, “She wasn’t passionate enough.”
So when we talk about excitement and commitment as being synonymous with passion I think we’re devaluing and prostituting the word for our own benefit, bending it to our desires. Let’s leave passion in its rightful place, a place of honor and awe, as the most personal of connections.
Thank you for keeping true passion alive and in clear focus.
[Reply]
Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
@Siddhartha, Wow. So many great thoughts there to unpack. Thank you for sharing them!
[Reply]
John C Davies
replied:
on May 30th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
@Siddhartha, “And I’ll say this about commitment; I’m not passionate about car maintenance, but I’m committed to it.”
Yeah…I feel the same way about my day job rite now. But I am taking steps to change that.
The thing is that I once was. Passionate, I mean. It is what has gotten me to the point in my career that I am at. But it seems, as of late, that the rules have changed on me. Business has become more about numbers and less about connection. I can cite a bunch of reasons for this but ultimately…who cares? How you let your self get to where you are is less important than how you are going to move on.
So if the rules can change like that…no reason I can’t change them as well.
-J
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I’m scared all the time. I’ve always been scared all the time. I did a lot of things that people thought were scary – anyway. Now it’s time to do the things that actually scared me. About time. You are lucky in many ways to have started young. And you are young, I promise:).
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Well then, I would like to thank lovely Catherine for sparking the inspiration! So excited to get a little of what you’ve got to offer!
And I love your notion of blog as your fear-wrangler. I think it’s useful in more ways than one …
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Dear the two of youses,
Kelly, Thank you so much for introducing me to Catherine. I started following her right after your little bloggy comment twiter publishy thing the other day and have been enthralled ever since. Catherine, Your reply and acceptance of my own online proclamation to henceforth “make awesome my bitch” has both humbled and inspired me. Thank you for that. (Yet another thing I love about the twitterbugs…they are so connecty.)
Big a fat *MUAH* to you both.
(also…I totally have ‘Be Awesome Online’ stuffed into my inbox whenever it presses… But I clicked your link anyway. )
To the point… I seem to have the exact opposite problems as you Kelly. I have no problem making calls, pitching clients, and closing deals. I have developed a high tolerance for rejection. (I face more rejection before 9 am than the Numa Numa guy did the entire week of freshman year spring break.) Although I am uninspired with work at the moment I am not about to quit. I have plenty of products to sell and they are in high demand… but so does EVERYONE in my line of work. A trained monkey with a bag of peanuts and an aggressive price list can get the order these days. So what’s wrong?
You hit the nail on the big bald head as it were. My products are in demand but, lately, I am not. My close rate is way better when clients seek me out. My margins? They kick ass when I am receiving the sales call instead of making it. So how do I turn the tables? I have always said that ‘you are your own best selling feature’ and that ‘the only thing that your competition dose not have is you’. I have got to play the ME card to my full advantage.
No one in my line of work is leveraging an online presence, largely because in my line of work very few people are even online at all. But I KNOW that that is going to change. In my case it’s “build it before they come.” And they will, of this I’m sure…I just have to remember to leave the porch light on for them.
And yes…We SO have to talk.
[Reply]
Catherine Caine
replied:
on May 31st, 2010 at 1:27 pm
@John C Davies, Super MWAH back!
We must talk, indeed. You are chock-full of awesomeness that shines out of you like a lighthouse lamp, and there are so many ways to make it visible!
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YOU are TERRIFIC!
YUM!
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No crickets here Kelly. Resonant like a sonic boom.
Thank you, as ever.
Thank you all…for sharing your stories of stuck, scared, sparks and sales.
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Kelly – lovely post (as always) and a deep inspiration to face the fact that all I want to do is write. I feel that is the major thrust of my life right now. But I’m not. not really.
Is it fear? Likely there are some fears that need to be wrangled. But more is my logical brain saying things like, “You don’t have enough money in your account to purchase the dog food this week, so how is writing a book going to rectify that?”
That may be a >slight< exaggeration but I'm trying to pull together the belief that writers must be poor and starving with my desires. And yeah, pay the bills now.
Food for thought as always.
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I, also, am building it… and they are coming.
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Okay… I get it! I WILL start my website. I will, I will, I WILL. Just as soon as it’s PERFECT and I’ve done everything else I need to do in my life.
Seriously though, I agree with all you’ve said, Kelly. We all need to keep pushing past OUR doubts. Damn, that’s hard. The challenge never ends. After a while though, with enough practice, it does gets easier to face the fears, and disregard the insecurity is if it didn’t exist. Sometimes it’s more difficult to do that than others, like when I don’t feel empowered. When I’m inside that space, I don’t make calls looking for clients or make major decisions. ‘Cause it’s like you said, sometimes “fear” tells us when to act, or NOT act. Because sometimes that inner voice shouting “STOP” isn’t fear at all. It’s our natural “knowing” telling us when all is in alignment with what we want. I’m finally learning to trust that intuition and be patient enough to wait until the time is really RIGHT. And yes, we could call that waiting procrastination, if the time never does become “RIGHT.” Well, I don’t wait very long go proactive. Fear of failure kicks me down the road!
Good post, K!
Irv Podolsky
[Reply]
Okay… I get it! I WILL start my website. I will, I will, I WILL. Just as soon as it’s PERFECT and I’ve done everything else I need to do in my life.
Seriously though, I agree with all you’ve said, Kelly. We all need to keep pushing past OUR doubts. Damn, that’s hard. The challenge never ends. After a while though, with enough practice, it does gets easier to face the fears, and disregard the insecurity as if it didn’t exist. Sometimes it’s more difficult to do that than others, like when I don’t feel empowered. When I’m inside that space, I don’t make calls looking for clients or make major decisions. ‘Cause it’s like you said, sometimes “fear” tells us when to act, or NOT act. Because sometimes that inner voice shouting “STOP” isn’t fear at all. It’s our natural “knowing” telling us when all is in alignment with what we want. I’m finally learning to trust that intuition and be patient enough to wait until the time is really RIGHT. And yes, we could call that waiting procrastination, if the time never does become “RIGHT.” Well, I don’t wait very long go proactive. Fear of failure kicks me down the road!
Good post, K!
Irv Podolsky
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amen! love this post. reminds me of our conversation last week. it’s so refreshing to hear that you can do it YOUR WAY and still make it happen:-)
been reflecting since we talked and realized that what feeds my soul is that connection with people i get through coaching: the deep listening, asking the questions that can shift their perspective, telling the loving raw truth that can help them unlock themselves. i realized i can do that with writing and through my blog & that has brought all the fun and joy back into my biz! thanks for sharing your goddessly wisdom!
@picsie chick…”Why can’t I make my living from the thing that saves me?” BRILLIANT!
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Hm, blogging is an interesting idea to fight fear. Personally I try to give in to the fear like I said here:
http://flavor-of-success.com/fighting-panic-with-not-fighting-it/
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