This week I was an electrified, jangly live-wire of need.
I need to hire a VA. I need an accountant. I need to do my taxes, omgod. I need for this child to stop fighting me like I’ve snatched her last cornflake. I need for small minds to expand. I need for x, y, and z to stop calling and a, b and c to start. I need to finish all these 80% finished pieces. I need a new bulb for the headlight of my car. I need serious kissing.
Need.
My reflex – whether of habit or instinct – is to talk. To vent. To fuck. To seek approval and validation. To get a little seratonin and dopamine flowing. To get my fix and get fixed.
So I had a moment (or 8632 moments across the last 6 days) when I considered going on an ill-advised and predictably plotted date (if you know my former first date rule, then you know what I’m talkin’ about…). I considered doing regrettable things with forgettable people.
That’s my usual MO. And then, inevitably, I wake up four years later, married, with navy blue sheets, and wonder what the hell I’ve done. Because everyone knows white is the only appropriate colour for sheets.
(except pink. Penelope Trunk has a theory about pink in the bedroom.)
(Accordingly, this is my bedroom.)
But I don’t want to keep doing what I’ve done because it only got me where I was and that’s not where I’m going.
And yet, here I was, all pulpy, needy and steamy.
I have a theory about steam. I’ve written about it before.
Steam is a metaphor for discomfort.
Imagine you’re a kettle on a hot stove. Your water starts to boil and steam. You’re uncomfortable. You want that to stop – so you pop the lid and let the steam out. Phew. But the water keeps boiling…you’re just less acutely aware of it. And when you’re not aware of it, you don’t heed the signal: GET OFF THE HOT STOVE ALREADY.
That’s what complaining does for us. It lets off steam but keeps you on the stove.
And that’s what any number of reactionary coping methods do, too. Like sex.
I have no problem with sex.
What I do have a problem with is getting into wildly unsatisfying relationships – and sex often leads me there. I feel needy, someone fills up that need, and I start overlooking the ways in which we’re not right for each other or he’s not very nice to my family and next thing I know we’ve moved in together and procreated.
So my moments of urgent, psychic, vampiric need are possibly not the best time to be seeking connection.
There was a paragraph in Eat Pray Love that I recognized, intimately, from within my own shoes:
“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
Of course, there are contexts when casual sex is not that. But I don’t usually do it like that. I do it deceptively. I have casual sex wanting committed sex.
Let the heartache and psychic abbreviation commence.
That’s why I decided to slow-dance, awkwardly, with celibacy/chastity, for a song or two or four months or until I could be trusted to be an adult.
My bright idea was based on these old saws:
If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. – W.L. Bateman
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Einstein (maybe?)
I’ve been trying to use my own discomfort (new is sometimes itchy) as fuel in the engine of change.
And yet here I am with all this need. A loose, charged wire, sparking and arc-ing.
Like Saturday night when that alien from planet Mean hurt my feelings, and then I lost my car, and then I found it and the headlight was out: I was feeling needy. I needed to tell someone what happened, to exorcise it. Some cuddling and kissing would have been sweet, too.
And I almost did spill my tragic tale to a friend – but then I thought: no, I’m going to write it out. I’m going to put this out there to talk about this because I know that this is not only my experience. I’m going to channel all this need into creation instead of aeration. I’m going to channel instead of vent. I’m going to give.
That’s what I did. I wrote the damn thing out. I contributed. And I heard from a lot of mamas – and single mamas, and men – that I was not alone, and that what I wrote helped them.
Which is exactly what my girl, Ani Di Franco (she’s on my List) writes and sings:
I just write about what I should have done
I just sing what I wish I could say
And hope somewhere, some woman hears my music
So that has been my strategy for coping with urgent, greedy need. To create. To give.
It is not that I think I don’t deserve support: I do.
But I want to be less driven by my needs, emotional and sexual.
I adore emotions. They’re my language and a long, luxurious bath. Same with sex. But I don’t want to be led around by either of them, any more. I’d like to be in the driver’s seat. So I need to find a way to manage both of these delicious creatures but make sure they know that from now on, they’re in the passenger seat.
Emotions and sex and need can be great navigators: they’ll pipe up and remind me where I want to go (and with whom) and when I’m wrong, off course, or need to take a break.
I learned that from Lianne Raymond and Danielle LaPorte, who both know that authenticity and purpose and self are found in your desires.
I believe that. Desires are great guides.
But for a long time, I let my desires lead me rather than guide me, and there is a huge difference.
So, given that I’m committed to doing things differently and learning new ways to manage my own emotions, this week I backed up and thought through the frantic: what can I do? What can I do that is different? What can I do that is not vampiric, predatory, or requires a scratching post? That is not teeth and nails?
The answer came to me and the answer was Michael Buble.
Specifically, the answer was:
I promise you kid: I give so much more than I get…*
(This song makes me happy and bouncy. Michael Buble is The Wiggles for adult women.)
So that’s what I decided to do. Give more than I get. I knew it would make me feel good.
That’s the delicious paradox about altruism. It is so self-ish.
So I did a bunch of sweet stuff for other people, whole-heartedly – and not so that I would get the strokes and thank-yous, but because it just felt good to do and I needed to do it.
And surprising, unexpected things happened. I wasn’t “asking” but I was receiving.
For example, my sister read my blog, noted that my car headlight was out, called her husband and asked him to take care of it – which he did at dinner the next night, without me even asking or knowing that all of that took place.
I felt loved.
And that is really what I need. Always.
And then I started receiving poignant e-mails and phone-calls appreciating my underwater secret contributions. This touched and humbled me.
Because here I was being thanked for doing things that were, frankly, a selfish sanity-saver, and a privilege.
Because what a privilege it is to be invited in.
yes, this is an outrageously cheesy OTT video. I could have forgiven it all, though, if he had realized the whole thing with the blonde was a massive mistake and set to wooing the cashier.
…but then, I always root for the pale-skinned ravenettes with big eyes. Go figure.
It really amazes me when something I know that I don’t care about gets thrown into a different light; one that I can actually appreciate and like.
Now I’m still probably not going to get way into Michael Buble, but I have a bit more of a liking toward him. And that’s a big thanks to you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:01 am
@Tim, What?! I didn’t convert you into a Buble-o-phile? Wha??? I’m afraid we can’t be friends, sir.
JK. I’m glad my piece helped shift things a little, for you.
[Reply]
So I’m reading and connecting and nodding my head and I get to the end and realize that I’m tense and my legs are shaking and fat tears are about to spill from my eyes.
And that is how I’ve been feeling all week. Blame it on the full moon. Blame it on the ex. Blame it on not having had any in 6 long months. Blame it on whatever I want. It’s there like a big hungry beast that follows me around the house, out into the yard, and in the car. Even though I’m driving, it never shuts up.
I’ll take your suggestion and try the giving more. Although a lot of times, when the beast is the loudest, I feel that I have nothing left to give. Guess I’ll dig a little deeper.
You seem to have a sparkly, silver thread that connects you to what so many feel and can’t express.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:03 am
@Jesse, wow. just wow. Thank you so much for telling me this.
Sometimes I listen to a song that moves me, or connects me to a particular moment or time, and think about what that must mean to the artist who created it. Imagine your words and music being part of a first dance, first kiss, washing dishes, making love, crooning to your baby. Imagine that your words and your music accompanies people in their most mundane, intimate moments. The force of that intimacy and connection levels me.
So when you write this…I am awed and moved. Thank you for giving me that.
[Reply]
You, my friend, give and give and give. May such come back to you in physical, metaphysical, spiritual, emotional, mental and cosmic ways.
I am the better because of you AND thereby motivated to give more of myself (while I remain electric and full of need/want/desire).
Deeply grateful to be in the mix of it all with you…
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:05 am
@Ronna, Dave Doolin wrote a guest post (I linked to it in this piece) that sometimes we have an almost pathological need to give, and the trick is to find the people who want to receive our gifts.
Yep.
I’m going to keep giving, but choose my recipients a little more wisely.
Thanks for writing this. Whenever I see your name, I know it is going to be good, and make me feel good. It’s almost pavlovian.
[Reply]
You’ve pretty much made me reconsider why it is that I’m making art, and who I’m making it for. I feel like I’ve lost my way a bit with my endeavors, and this sums up a lot of what I’m feeling lately.
This is a big deal.
Thank you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:06 am
@Zachary McInchak, that IS big. Huge, in fact.
Getting lost, I think, is part of the artistic process. It forces us to rethink our purpose, and reconnect to it, or refine it.
I’m intrigued…let me know what transpires for you.
[Reply]
@ Jesse-you too, have a way of responding cleverly as I would like to.
Kelly-You’re my new lover, woman! Or, I’m your new lover.
What I particularly love is the sensual fusion of sex, emotions, and the cleavage exposing both so perfectly.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:07 am
@Jeanie, we can totally be imaginary lovers. love love love. mwah.
[Reply]
Please keep being “selfish”. You fill *my* need (okay, one, er some of them. We still need to talk) Thank you.
And I agree. He *so* should have gone for the genuine, fabulous, raven-haired cashier. She was sexy. Fake blonde was vacant. IMHO
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:08 am
@PicsieChick, you’re right, ‘vacant’ was more the issue than blonde. xo.
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…And knowing is half the battle (-Go GI JOE!)
Lately I have considered that if I addressed my own issues as if they were other people’s problems then I could use that keen insight we all seem to have for analyzing other people’s problems on them.
Perhaps pouring your emotions into Cleavage is your way of achieving that, while providing your Readers with useful insights & anecdotes.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:12 am
@Bruce Nunnally, you’re so much more right than you could even imagine.
My bff, Heather, (who comments below) told me at various times these things:
“your blog is your boyfriend”
“…no more babies! Your blog is your baby.”
And there is truth in that. The process of creating, and giving, is so rich. It fills me up even as I empty out.
And then, my friends, my readers – you – give me so much feedback, useful critique, warmth, and affection that I (most of the time) don’t feel like a heat-seeking ball of need.
That’s rich – even empowering. The conversation and the connection that happens here feeds me, makes me stronger, better.
[Reply]
I relate in a million ways. I have been needing quite a bit lately as a single, single mama, as a working too much to ignore the need woman and as a woman defying the urge to go on stupid useless dates. Today I decided to run my ass off at the gym. Helped a little. I will definitely try giving a bit more (although admittedly not in my nature).
Thanks for all that you give, Kelly. And btw, I must find pink prints like those…pink.feels.good.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:15 am
@Christina Majaski, the pink print on the lower left is by @baddeacon http://www.baddeacondesign.com. The other two are by my daughters (no url, lol).
I’m so glad you can relate and at the same time not glad. It pains me to think that other people are out there, and like me are craving soul-gratifying connection.
Going back to Dave Doolin’s piece on being needy without being *needy*, maybe the trick is to diffuse your need across several people and several activities.
I *might* have a scandalous theory about this. I’m trying to work up the nerve to publish it.
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:29 am
@Kelly Diels, “I *might* have a scandalous theory about this. I’m trying to work up the nerve to publish it.”
YES, please! I’d be willing to be part of a private viewing….
[Reply]
Lovely. So very true on so many levels — and you know, the “awakening” about giving being self-ish — even the Dalai Lama touches on this concept in several of his books…so you are in right good company!
Now the whole relationship/need/sex thing — been there, done that. similar awakenings FINALLY (like after 2 marriages and plenty of need-based decisions) took hold. wish I’d been brave enough to talk about it/write about it.
Thanks
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:18 am
@Peggie, thank you so much for being brave enough to talk about it/write it, here.
It really is an awakening. That’s a beautiful way to put it.
And I DO think that being self-ish is important, and “good”. In her new “vook” (coming out May 12 at http://www.whitehottruth.com)Danielle LaPorte has a chapter/interview with Dyana Valentine on the value of being self-centred. It is hot, important stuff.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels,
Michael Buble hangs out with the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Mike Nilon, and the stupid stupid stupid man who cheated on Haile Berry. Stick with The Boys you know best who will bruise their knees to make you happy.
Miss you.
H
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:20 am
@Heather, my love. Please do refer The Boys “who will bruise their knees” to please me, my way. I’m so open to that kind of thing. And you know where I live, baby. mwah.
[Reply]
Oh … the difference between being guided and being led by my desires and feelings – like a rip in the screen in front of my eyes, that just makes it all clear. Ah. Thank you for that.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:24 am
@Lindsey, It has been something I’ve been grappling with. I truly believe, on an almost cellular level, that coming to terms (and even embracing) my desires – even the shadowy, socially unacceptable ones – is how I will not just find but LIVE satisfaction.
I know this. I really do. I know this is why I left two significant relationships that seemed to deliver the social goods: marriage, kids, commitment, stability. I left because there are always things shoved below the surface that just refuse to stay below the surface.
It is like when I wrote that I invite fear and worry to cuddle up on the sofa with me. I’m making peace with my demons and desires so they’ll be contented passengers instead of kamikaze drivers.
[Reply]
Kelly,
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Thank you for your strength.
Thank you for your wisdom.
And thank you for your words.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:24 am
@Sanford, ditto, my friend.
[Reply]
So many points… so much to love. I’ll stick with that which I know and one that might resonate wit’ya. Your online thought stream has been a ‘lil businessy lately as the opener of this post would indicate. Altruism: Not only does it make you feel good and fuzzy inside but the added bonus is that it is also a proven and effective business strategy. In my experience, I have found that giving to clients and prospects is returned manyfold. Now I’m not talking ’bout flinging them some hockey tickets when the issue a p.o. I’m talking about working for your clients. Take a prospective or existing client, make some calls on their behalf. Set them up with a gig. Support them and strengthen them. Give them a reason to look beyond the bottom line. Help build your clients and take them to the next level with you. Not only does this build a solid and lasting relationship but on the strictly practical side SOLID clients are much easier to collect from than the unstable ones just squeeking by.
You can find a hundred different sales blogs with a hundred different takes on the issue but for my money it has always been in my best interest not to shit where I sleep. So want A, B, and C to start calling? Make A, B and C your next pet project. For ask not what your prospects can do for you but ask what you can do for your prospects or whatever other cliche fits.
Keep us posted on your brand expansion. It’s good reading and you have a lot of supporters pulling for you. Meeza included.
-JCD
And regarding your old saws, nothing captures it quite as succinctly as …
“Abort. Retry. Fail?” – MS-DOS 3.30
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:26 am
@John C Davies, oh, wow. You’re all kinds of wonderful. What a pleasure it must be to do business with you!
thank you so much for your consistently thoughtful and rich feedback. I completely appreciate you.
[Reply]
So, I wish there was just a “like” button on this post. Because, I have nothing intelligent to add, except to tell you that I read this, I loved it, and I 100% identified with it.
And also, thanks. This was poetic, beautiful, and touching. Thanks.
[Reply]
John C Davies
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 5:27 am
@Jamie Varon, I like to think of the little re-tweet button as the “like” button.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:27 am
@Jamie Varon, I’m glad you reminded me. The like button is on my to-do list (which means it is actually on @mandalove’s to-do list, because I farm all that stuff out to her. Yo! Amanda!)
Thank you so much, Jamie. I really appreciate the luv. mwah.
[Reply]
This post reminds me of some Rilo Kiley lyrics:
‘I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you/but just bein’ around you offers me another form of relief…’
Those lyrics and this post pretty much sums up the relationship I left last week. I am so fucking thankful for seeing this post this morning, to remind me that I did the right thing.
And thank you for all your posts in general, especially the one about the nice girl/nice guy. Because I realized we both weren’t very ‘nice’ in relationship to each other and that helped give me strength.
The thing is, the more I look around, the more I see women in unsatisfying relationships, or just unsatisfied. But they’d never tell you that.
But I am so thankful for the women who will speak out about how they feel, what they need, and the hard battles they’ve fought to get to Something Better. Because those women inspired me to believe it’s possible.
You rock so fucking hard, Kelly Diels.
Thank you.
xoxox
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:28 am
@Jess, seriously, that compliment is going on my list of best ever sweet stuff.
When you write things like this, I am emboldened to keep going. Thank you so much.
[Reply]
Your bottled up lusts seem to be adding a little extra energy to your already wonderful writing.
God help the man you finally pop the cork on.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 3rd, 2010 at 9:58 am
@Robin, he seemed very pleased. oops. did I say too much?
[Reply]
This post was serendipitous for me as my relationship ended last week–not by my choice–and I am already feeling needy for the validation of physical affection.
“Going back to Dave Doolin’s piece on being needy without being *needy*, maybe the trick is to diffuse your need across several people and several activities.”
Based on recent experience, I absolutely agree with this. One of the issues between myself and my ex — I needed more support than he was willing to give in particular contexts. Instead of drowning in feeling unsupported and the resulting resentment, I needed to turn to friends who desired to support me in that context as fully as needed.
Strangely, with the break up, I have experienced more support than I have ever known. I have had breakfast and dinner made for me, dishes done, distractions provided, listening ears, lots of hugs, and more validation that I am creating the life of my dreams through my community than I could have ever hoped for (even if I no longer have a partner to share it with).
Anyway, thanks for your vulnerable and open sharing. I *need* to start blogging unabashedly again and you are a significant inspiration.
Hugs!
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
@April, it’s come to my own personal attention that perhaps I haven’t been allowing people to support me.
Maybe our support has been there all along and we haven’t seen it.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
@Dave Doolin, I’ve done (and do) that too, Dave. I need all kinds of help with all kinds of things and I rarely ask. I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to seem weak.
But people want to be there for us and people LIKE to feel needed – and not letting them in is the same as shutting them out.
It is a privilege to be invited in.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
@April, oh I checked you out and there is definitely some unabashed blogging go on over at your virtual house (I LIKE IT!).
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, yet it is so gratifying to hear that you are surrounded by people who’ve got your back (and your breakfast!).
[Reply]
re-reading this has brought me another piece of my brain puzzle:
I often go through phases of being super lonely, and have in the past thought and told people that I go a bit nuts if I’m on my own for too long (like a couple of days) and whilst out travelling (on my own) i started having a bit of a freak out, and thought that maybe if i hadn’t been on my own I wouldn’t have freaked out so much. However when I’m on my own is when I do all my creative stuff, especially the whole having conversations with myself/figuring out my brain time.
I mean fuck, I am SUCH a social type guy, always got the chat on, I love meeting new people etc etc etc, but I love writing and musicing and thinking and using all of that to help people out. It’s like running on two batteries. I got my social battery that gives me all kinds of moments of magic and gifts from gods and goddesses, then when that’s running low i retreat to my thoughts, and reflect on my own magic and godliness (man i hope whoever reads this has read your thread on being a goddess so i don’t come across as completely up myself) which in turn gives me something to give when I’m with people again.
oh and the other thing i realise is that i totally have to read eat pray love. it just keeps popping up y’know?
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
@Paddy, I resisted Eat Pray Love for a long time just because everyone kept telling me to read it, and I’m recalcitrant. And then I read it and thought, “Oh. Hell. She wrote my book.”
[Reply]
“So that has been my strategy for coping with urgent, greedy need. To create. To give.” Karma. You get what you give. Some see it as a silly notion. They’ll say, “You bust your ass and you get what you create for yourself.” Well, sure. But at some point – you’re out of your league and you get what you give to others. And you have to be at peace with that. I feel like when all else fails – keep giving. It’s never steered me wrong.
Another sentence of yours I love (yes, I will continue to quote your post back to you,
): “But for a long time, I let my desires lead me rather than guide me, and there is a huge difference.” What a brilliant sentence that is. And what a lightbulb it set off for me in my own life – in more ways than one.
Lastly:
Things I can help you with:
-”I need to hire a VA.”
-”I need to finish all these 80% finished pieces.”
You’re on your own for the accountant, taxes, child-not-fighting, small minds expanding (let me know if you figure this one out), the right people calling, and serious kissing.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
@Lisa Morosky, well well well. We should talk, my friend.
Karma is interesting, because I’m finding it is rewarding in and of itself to give – and then when something comes back, it is like a gift on top of a gift. Icing on the cake. A surprise.
And I like surprises.
[Reply]
Lisa Morosky
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 7:42 pm
@Kelly Diels, You have my contact info now if you want to chat about the VA thing. I’m pretty much the best out there. At least I think so. And really, who else’s opinion really matters?
[Reply]
Actually Bublé wrote that song for that specific blonde whom he now is engaged to. I don’t think she’s vacant.
One year into the makings of forever.
I know all about being needy. i was in a needy relationship where I only needed NOT to be alone. Three years of my life down the drain and it almost sent me over the edge to crazy because I never really loved him. It was cruel towards him and cruel towards me. I’m rather alone and lonely now. Which actually drove me into the arms of my current love and this is true love
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
@Lexi, yah, hair color comes in a bottle, right?
And that’s totally cool in my book.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
@Lexi, I didn’t know she was his girlfriend. That’s just plain adorable.
[Reply]