This is what I think about fear:
Fear has a function. Fear is supposed to alert you to things that might harm you. When you’re feeling scared, your reptile brain is taking care of you. That is his job.
Trying to run from fear, or suppress it, or deny it, or even overcome it is then pointless. Fear is a reptile. It will outlive your best mammalian intentions.
So this is what I think you do with fear: you treat it like a feverish, crotchety professor who secretly adores you and wants you to be better, but makes your life a misery because he marks the hell out of your essays and takes you to task in class.
You pay close attention to fear, get close to it, and then you question fear.
You get curious about it. You ask fear:
What is this? What is this about? What is true, clear and present danger, versus anxiety and worry? (Oooh! oooh! I know this one: fear is a response to a material threat in your immediate present; worry is a hypothetical threat that exists in your mind rather than your reality.) What are you trying to explain to me? What are you trying to keep me from doing? What would happen if I do it? Will this kill me? Is what is true, for you (fear), also true for me? Do you want to lock me in a box to keep me safe? Do I want to live in that box? Is my world that damn dangerous? Can my ego survive falling on my face or my ass? (YES)
And it is best to sit on the sofa and snuggle with your fear-professor while you ask these questions.
That’s also how you get straight A’s in university.
Or so I’ve heard.
___
thanks to Paddy Hare and his heartfelt series of blog posts on fear for inspiring this piece.
Seriously, she is one bad-ass “professor”. I got tired of picking up after her, so now she’s doing my laundry and making my meals. Not quite what you’re aiming for here, as I realize those things are diversions from the bigger picture – the important stuff I should be doing that scares me.
She wears a lot of disguises, too. Not just anxiety and worry, but jealousy, possessiveness, judgement and, of course, self-doubt. It seems like no matter how I try to recognize and then release all of these, they just come back double. And I’m still not sure how to snuggle with her.
I mean, while I’m entangled with her on the couch, how many wondrous, uplifting, challenging, amazing and learning moments am I missing out on in the real world?
Possibly, I just need to let her have her say, then carry on, anyway. So, maybe, just maybe, if I let her bake me brownies tonight, she’ll get off my back for a bit and let me get something done?
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:17 pm
@PicsieChick, I’m pretty sure brownies are the answer. They almost always are. I will ALWAYS feel like getting tangled up on the sofa with someone who makes me chocolatey baked goods.
But I’m not Fear. Fearsome, maybe (ask my kids at bedtime), but not Fear itself.
We’re on the same page. Let her have her say, and carry on, anyway.
(And while we’re keeping calm and carrying on…check this out: http://ow.ly/1CsDQ)
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At least Fear is honest. Fear likes to point things out to you, make you aware of potential – potential danger, true, but also potential growth, potential discomfort, potential risk. If you listen carefully, Fear can teach you. If you always ignore or run away from Fear, you might not get eaten – but you won’t thrive, either.
Now, Safe and Secure, that’s one sneaky b*#ch. You snuggle up to Safe and Secure and all of a sudden you realize you’ve lost what’s important. And she never gives you a heads up, it’s just gone.
[Reply]
John C Davies
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:23 am
@ami | 40daystochange, Indeed the siren song of security has lead many to lives of utter slavery. I suspect it ain’t a good peg to hang a marriage up on either.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:32 pm
@John C Davies, HEAR HEAR.
[Reply]
Prahlad
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 8:37 am
@ami | 40daystochange: “At least Fear is honest”
Quite the opposite.
In its striving to protect us, if there’s a rope somewhere fear says “It COULD BE a snake! No, I’m almost sure it IS a snake, so we better RUN away!”
Over 95% of our fears never really materialize…
but fear suggests us we better take care anyway, JUST IN CASE!
Hence, if we listen to it, we spend our whole life avoiding hypotetical dangers JUST IN CASE…
“Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
The fearful are caught as often as the bold.”
(Helen Keller)
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:21 pm
@ami | 40daystochange, Yes, at least fear is honest.
I’ve read this Helen Keller quote many times, but it just now landed.
Security really IS an illusion – and I’m specifically talking about love and monogamy and marriage. We work really hard to get ‘security’ but security premised on another person’s actions is a sandy foundation, at best.
Oh I’m about to get real Zen and live in the moment, now.
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Chatting and snuggling with can work as preparation for something you want to do in order to grow but are terrified of, but once you’re in the throes of it it’s too late for that. At that point all you can do is embrace it and be present with it.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:23 pm
@Annabel, Perfectly said, Annabel. I really thing getting comfortable with my demons means they are so much less dangerous to me. And you’re right – once you’re in the throes of change and fear strikes, all you can do is say hello, my long-lost (and ever present) friend.
[Reply]
Downshift. Accelerate.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:23 pm
@Dave Doolin, true dat.
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Here I am struggling again to find the words to say, but actually its obvious:
Thank you.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:23 pm
@Paddy, you’re so welcome, my friend. xoxo
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Step back. Assess. And then nail the beaaatch. That’s my plan in theory. Reality is a little different of course
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:24 pm
@Kat Eden, You are sounding like 9/10 of my previous boyfriends. I like it.
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I’m afraid of damaging the relationship I care about most.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
@Siddhartha, So much expressed in so few words…economy really is your thing!
That’s huge, isn’t it? I think a lot of our decisions (and indecision) in life is based on this fear.
But that’s both a fear and a joy. To have people in our lives to love and accommodate is a blessing.
[Reply]
…..and for some of us, fear can be intoxicating.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
@Mike CJ, umm, yeah. TOTALLY.
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I have always felt that humans define themselves not by what instincts they surrender to but by what instincts they repress. If I followed all my instincts I’d have 17 children by now but I’d probably be living in a cave and painting myself blue to prevent the sky from crashing down on me. Successful repression, however, requires intimate knowledge. How effective would a lion tamer be if they never spent any time with big cats? Getting to know your fears is as important to personal development as getting to know your strengths. Without this knowledge life is something that just runs over you in the middle of a cross walk and leaves you in hospital lamenting your decision to cross against the red.
-J
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:28 pm
@John C Davies, you can write. Every sentence of your comment deserves more attention than it is getting buried down here in the comments.
This:
“If I followed all my instincts I’d have 17 children by now but I’d probably be living in a cave and painting myself blue to prevent the sky from crashing down on me.”
BEAUTIFUL.
and this:
“How effective would a lion tamer be if they never spent any time with big cats?”
EXACTLY.
thank you so much. What a joy it is to read your writing, John.
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As one who has had fear as a chronic (shall I say live-in?) “guest” for almost 4 years, I have gotten to know this lizard well.
She (if I may use that pronoun) is all about safety to the point of self-destruction. There is no sane bravery that can outlast her. Therefore, she must be embraced, cajoled, medicated, and shown slowly that some of the danger is handle-able, and, though the mammal has not the endurance, it is a fighter and can protect.
I’ve spent much of my life doing what others considered dangerous jobs. To be brought low by anxiety and depression is humbling and costly. But, then, it is all part of the “daring adventure” called life.
A good post, Kelly. Thank you.
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 12:28 pm
@Sanford, Compelling words with some serious back-story. I feel the urge to send you hugs and butterflies.
~T~
[Reply]
Sanford
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 1:46 pm
@PicsieChick, Hugs and butterflies are always welcome. Thank you.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:29 pm
@Sanford, You’re amazing. You really are.
“There is no sane bravery that can outlast her. Therefore, she must be embraced, cajoled, medicated, and shown slowly that some of the danger is handle-able, and, though the mammal has not the endurance, it is a fighter and can protect.”
and you ARE a fighter, fighting the good fight, and then gifting us with your words and experience.
Thank you so much.
[Reply]
Sanford
replied:
on April 24th, 2010 at 6:21 am
@kellydiels, Now ya got me blushing
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Fear for me is something that can cause physical or emotional harm, perceived or otherwise, to someone that I love.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on April 23rd, 2010 at 6:31 pm
@Sire, oh, the protection thing gets to me. I am a mama bear: I feel it keenly, often, and yet feel unprotected, myself, in the sense that I know I can never truly shield my babies (or myself) from the big bad world.
Fortunately I only think it is a big bad world when I’m lost in the wilds of 4AM.
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What a great analogy Kelly,
personifying your fear is a brilliant way of coping with it, give it a name and it becomes less scary. But no matter how clever your writing, I still will not use it. My fears back in school actually were professors, and using them as a symbol for fear would only double the effect !
Nicely written nevertheless
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Kelly, what a nice piece.
The trouble is I find, after years of avoiding the professor, that fear has become cloaked in other guises, behaviours, moods, and getting close is quite difficult. Not impossible, but very hard.
I feel a lot of emotions very intensely and I live with that, but fear… well, despite trying so many strategies, I think I’m probably dropping out of uni. (I’ll try college next)
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Humans. The only animal that continues to feel fear when there is no threat of immediate danger. Still, there are so many things that I would never have done if I hadn’t been willing to get cosy with fear or give fear a death stare if the situation called for it.
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