My Love. My Baby. My Heart. All the clichés are true: when you were born, I recognized you. Knowing you, immediately, viscerally, was a surprise. I was so distracted throughout your birth that it was like it was something that was happening to me rather than I something I doing. It was like I was in the other room, waiting for you, and you were placed in my arms, wrapped and clean and warm and you. Not like it was: an intense mess where I thought I might die, and you too, but all I could think about was your father’s eyes filling with tears while things were done to me. You know, baby, that he grew up a place where babies die. Women die. Women die having babies. His mother did, when he was younger than you are now. And so, Baby, you were born only forty minutes after we arrived at the hospital and in those forty minutes your father watched me with tears in his eyes and was sure he was watching my last minutes. All I could think to do was look in his eyes and tell him it was okay. Out loud, and silently, and continually. I held his hand and looked in his eyes while a long needle dug through my skin and into my spine. When I was lying down, with a short curtain strung across my belly, separating what I could feel from what I couldn’t, I turned my head to look in his eyes. When I heard a baby crying, far away, and realized it was you, cut free of me, I told him to go to you. He did. He has been with you ever since.
He drives me crazy, Baby. I’m not going to lie. Your dad and I found each other so we could find you.
Oh Geez…..You continually touch my feminine, motherly, loving emotions. And, you make me cry. Thank you ( I think :/).
Yes, thank you! Love ya!!
…I will re-read and respond some more later.
I have and 18 year old who is soon graduating and off to college. HIs dad (my ex) and I were brought together so he could be born, or as you say, ” find you”. The day of my sons birth, and so, soooo… many moments in between, make and keep my “Heart” and heartbeat strong Kelly.
I was going to turn out the lights, but checked out the current posts one more time…xooo. Good night my friend, I know I will read and ponder this some more….. ~Renee (micheamustro)
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 3rd, 2010 at 9:02 am
@Renee Michelle (Michelmustro), It amazes me that I’ve only been a mother for six years. It feels like I have always been a mama; and yet I’m a perpetual beginner. I’m more glad of my unwavering love – ok, it flickers sometimes in moments of profound exasperation – than I am for any parenting philosophy, advice or book. It carries me through my insecurities.
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oops..I always post my name wrong…Micheamustro
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This post made me cry my eyes out, Kelly.
My ex-husband caused me untold misery and pain and he “drives me crazy. I’m not going to lie.” But, I thank God every day that we “found” one another so that we could have a beautiful son. For that alone, I will be eternally grateful. I have no regrets!
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 3rd, 2010 at 8:56 am
@Tracy Todd, You’re a stronger, more resolved woman than me. I have many, many regrets about many, MANY things – but not, of course, about my children. As Dani Shapiro writes, they are “sacred” to me and the only thing of substance I have ever done (and am doing).
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YES. Tell it, Kelly. I grew up in a hispanic neighborhood hearing mothers say to their children “mi corazon” and “mi vida,” and I didn’t understand it until I that wet slimy crying little boy was put on my chest…
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 3rd, 2010 at 8:58 am
@Annabel, it is fierce and gentle thing, to be a mama.
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Oh.my.God! You are unbelievable! This writing is amazing.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 3rd, 2010 at 8:59 am
@Nicki, thank you so much. I wrote it in the fierce grip of missing-my-baby-who’s-away-on-Easter-weekend.
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Oh, Kelly,
Lucky, lucky baby girl.
xo
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 3rd, 2010 at 9:00 am
@Lindsey, Her birthday is next week and I was thinking of your birthday letters to your children. A beautiful tradition. Mine aren’t the only lucky ones. xo
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Absolutely beautiful. While I’m not a mother (yet), this reads like poetry for the soul. Real life stuff. Thanks dear!
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on April 3rd, 2010 at 8:58 am
@Laura Cococcia, thank you, Laura.
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For all the sins of my youth, the stupidity and such, I would not change one single thing that brought my 3 children into my life. For that alone I have no regrets.
Your writing is a blessing to you and your children. Much like the songs of a singer, your writing is something special from you to them. Just wonderful!
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This is truly beautiful. If only every child felt this kind of love from her/his mother, the world would be such a better place.
Thank you for baring your soul for your fabulous daughter, and for letting the rest of us see.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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Life is beautiful! to give one is amazing and to see one form is surreal. Mothers are truly the closest thing to God.
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