Is it true?
I’m both a brazen, noisy man-eater and a fragile flower. Sometimes.
If I ask for feedback, advice or criticism, I want no bullshit straight-shooting from a fierce and tender heart. (At this, Lianne Raymond doth rocketh.)
Or, if a friend – drawing from a wellspring of established good feeling – is sidling up to an Issue, I square my shoulders and embrace it, rough edges and all.
Surprise criticism from strangers?
Levels me.
The first time it happened, online, it was Allyn Hane. He mocked my very first piece at ProBlogger (and my second guest post, ever) but when I checked out what he had to say*, I wasn’t that upset. His rant was more about a schism in a field than it was about me. (And he said I was a great writer, so, you know,free pass.) I joined in the comments and had a little fun with him by e-mail.
From that rather inauspicious start, Allyn and I connected. He’s actually very sweet (don’t tell anyone – it will destroy his bad boy cred) and we’re cool now**.
That was a great lesson. It provoked me to get real with myself.
Here’s my reality: I have a blog because I eat attention – good, bad, lukewarm, just right, just plain ugly – for breakfast.
And blogs are conversation, right? Not all conversations will fly on the whispering wings of butterflies and hummingbirds. Sometimes it won’t be pretty.
Not only that, but I live, breathe and write social commentary. Public critique is a boomerang: if I’m going to throw it, it will come back to me.
I realized I’ve got to be prepared for the slings and arrows of outrageous (lack of) manners. The need to move from rice-paper-thin skin to at least a manila-thick epidermis is urgent. (Having a cardboard – or kevlar – hide would be even better.)
And from that crouching realization sprang a guest post I wrote about criticism for Josh Hanagarne’s World’s Strongest Librarian.
(The writer’s mantra: it is all material.)
And from that jump crashed this question:
Is it true?
Unexpected criticism unmoors me and the way I find shore is by asking myself: is it true?
Or: what part of this is true?
Or: if I scrape back the offense, is there anything I can take from this that will make me better?
Or: what part of this is not true?
It is really simple, but it helps a lot.
- It helps me just discard the stuff that is meant to hurt – and, surprisingly, that kind of stuff is rare.
- It helps me check my own ego which is sometimes a growling tiger eager to eat you up.
- It confirms hunches.
- It dispels illusions.
And sometimes – like surgery – unexpected criticism makes me better.
(Still, no one I know eagerly anticipates the scalpel.)
And when I remember to ask myself “Is this true?” then I also remember something Josh Hanagarne has told me at least twice:
“You’re not a fragile flower. You’re a Venus Fly Trap.”
__________________
*fortunately for both of us the sound for the video wasn’t working
** I can’t link to the piece in which he teased me because earlier this year Allyn Hane did something pretty brave on Blogger Illustrated: publicly admitted he had been “hostile,” ”full of hate and bitterness” and a “Gordon Ramsay wannabe” and altered his course to be “a good dude” making quality stuff again. He went through his archives and deleted all the nastiness. Wowza.
Kelly,
I applauded you because I’m sensitive, I take things to heart I think it’s great the way you can take it all in stride. You are so correct when you said:
“And sometimes – like surgery – unexpected criticism makes me better.”
If we were never criticized than how would we know what we’re doing wrong, how would we improve.
When it comes down to it, as a blogger and a part of the human race in general I recognize that even negative feedback is better than no feedback at all.
Keep throwing your boomerangs out there – I highly enjoy them.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 7:58 am
@Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife, I don’t necessarily take it in stride so much as take it head on, anguish about it, send distraught e-mails to friends, and then try to work through what Lindsey (below) calls the “emotional maelstrom”. I’m just trying to come out the other side…
Fortunately I’m getting to the other side faster than I used to.
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I love the suggestion of simply asking yourself: is it true? That is so hard for me to do in the maelstrom of an emotional reaction that comes after criticism – any criticism, but I can see how immensely valuable it would be.
I will try!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 7:59 am
@Lindsey, I’m trying to.
emotional maelstrom. I think we live in each other’s head.
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I am so envious of the niche you’ve carved yourself here. You can talk about stuff like this as if we were speaking face to face and people enjoying listening. That’s pretty cool
And you’re right, despite what Dave Gorman says (and I searched for the tweet to link to but it’s long gone!), there really is no such thing as bad publicity
[Reply]
Eleanor Edwards
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 4:26 am
@Eleanor Edwards, And as an aside, this might not be the place to say this but I wanted to thank you. You’ve inspired me to write just for the pleasure of writing.
As you know, I write for charity, I write a little for my business but I never really just write from the heart (unless it ties in with one of the aforementioned of course, which has been known
) but today you’ve encouraged me to do that. I have the space to do it. Just never really got round to starting.
So, thank you
And I trust you slept well 
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 8:00 am
@Eleanor Edwards,
Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor.
This – “You’ve inspired me to write just for the pleasure of writing” – means *everything* to me.
Thank you so much.
PS I write for a non-profit. We should talk.
[Reply]
Eleanor Edwards
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
@Kelly Diels,
Not at all, thank you
And yes, talking would very cool. Just need to find a time when we’re both awake enough. lol.
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Of the zillion things I have taught my kids, the most difficult to practice myself is: when your feelies have been hurt–ask yourself “what is my part in this” and really, really listen to your answer. My rule for the kids has always been–you don’t get to whine until you’ve asked and answered that question.
As I said–the top of my list of practice what you preach.
Excellent post!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 8:00 am
@Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave, good rule. Really, really good rule. Terrific rule.
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Just yesterday my son was talking about getting his feelings hurt by something another had said. We talked a lot about what “consider the source” means. Think about the person that said the hurtful thing: were they tired? are they envious of you? were they having a crappy day? are they typically nasty? Then he could see that a lot of times, hurtful stuff is often more about the person saying the hurtful thing, than anything my son is saying or doing.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 8:03 am
@Jesse, the mothers in these comments are throwing down some serious wisdom. This world is going to be a very fine place with kids being raised by parents like these…and yes, exactly. I should add that to my list: consider the source. What’s the other person’s agenda?
[Reply]
As always, an insightful and beautifully written post.
Criticism is an awful beast that feeds any remnants of the monster that is self-doubt. I love that you’ve developed a method for roasting the beast and turning it into a feast fit for the queen of words.
I think I’m so averse to criticism, that I don’t write online. My blog is a gallery of pretty little photos and inspiring quotes, but as a blog it is highly dysfunctional. For one – I don’t use my own words. This was a conscious decision because I usually use way too many words. The idea was, let’s get the pictures up there, make them inspiring with a few words that seem to fit, and say nothing else. Also, I’m not good at responding to comments. (how many ways can you say thank you for a compliment?)
Because of your inspiring blog, I am rethinking the whole thing.
Okay, well, probably not the whole thing. But I am thinking about starting a blog of my own thoughts. I think I’d have to make it a second blog – I want to keep that photo blog pure – but I’m just toying with the idea for now.
I mean, I’m not sure I can add another responsibility to my schedule, but, also, that monster called self-doubt is whispering in my ear at this very moment, asking who on earth would want to read my thoughts. I mean, really.
Can I learn to accept criticism enough to put myself out there?
At least I have an example of someone who has succeeded wildly, to guide my way. And that’s pretty much priceless.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 8:02 am
@PicsieChick, what I think you’ll find is that the adoration and generosity will far, far outweigh the criticism. And that will keep you going.
[Reply]
PicsieChick
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 8:53 am
@Kelly Diels, Possibly, true, but only if my stuff is good! (i.e. half as good as yours….)
~T~
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Kelly, I hope it was also clear when we talked that Venus fly traps are sexy and I’m sure you’ve never eaten a fly.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 7:56 am
@Josh Hanagarne,
re: sexy. That is always my underlying assumption.
re: “never eaten a fly”. I cannot guarantee that. Motorcyle. Enough said.
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Kelly, I can so understand your need for constructive criticism, feedback, suggestions and opinions. Although I have recently started blogging because I feel I have a strong positive message to share, I am not a writer. However, I am so hungry to learn more – eager to learn the craft of writing so that I can express myself in the best possible way and hopefully make an impact by changing a few mindsets along the way. A part of me can’t help thinking that perhaps people feel too sorry for me to criticize my writing or the content for that matter. Perhaps, it is my own insecurities. I don’t know.
[Reply]
Hey I like attention too. Who doesn’t? It’s one of the tastiest foods I know about *nom nom nom*.
Anyway I find that most serious criticism is always grounded in something but has a tendency to get stronger based on the critic’s personal opinion. Which is why I don’t like giving out critique because subduing your own personal opinion is hell. Times two. For me that is.
Your blog is “teh awesome”. Inspires me to keep going. Did I mention I’m not really good at giving out critique either?
Anyway, have a great Friday.
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The only thing that really stings is when people unsubscribe from my email list. I’ve built it very carefully, very slowly, and I always try to make sure there is a lot of value going out along with any sales.
I can see why “real marketers” use bribe boxes and sell the way they do. They are doing the same work, but getting more return.
Disheartening, and calls into question the “received opinion” of this community.
For the near future, I’m going to continue doing what I’m doing.
[Reply]
violet
replied:
on March 26th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
@Dave Doolin, In response, I’ve signed up for your email list.
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The unexpected criticism from strangers really is awful. Before I do anything else, I try to remember that it is not even usually about me. We are all so caught up in our own stuff, and keeping that in mind keeps me sane. It also helps me to maintain my own perspective, and remember that the way that I’m receiving comments is more about me than the commenter. Just because I’m reading negativity doesn’t mean that it’s actually there.
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Oh girlfriend,I’m there babe. Do I suck? Does he think I suck? I swear when I read that comment yesterday that person really thought I sucked, but now I read that comment and it doesn’t seem that person thinks I suck at all.
But it all makes you better.
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You are Pamela Landi and I am Jason Bourne, think about it!
“Treadstone has been terminated”
First off, I want to complement your use of internal SEO linking in this post, great work Kelly!
Next, I am glad I have changed, and I am glad you were able to allow me to be real and stupid at the same time and we could still connect in a positive way.
You are one of my faves on the nets, for real!
thank you!
AL
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Ah it stings! It really does.
And a critical remark seems to have a hundred times the impact of a positive comment.
A hundred people tell you they love your blog and you rock their world and you’ve made them see the light, and then one cranky stranger says “this blows” and the whole day darkens.
I’m confident what I do is more than half-decent but I suppose there is some lingering doubt there that criticism snags and stirs up in me. Nice to know I’m not alone.
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