Masculinity is complicated (says the woman).
I am obviously not an expert.
But it does seem to me that the conspicuous markers of extreme masculinity – displays of power and dominance – are style without substance unless accompanied by an ethic of care and protection.
I’m just talking from my life, not a textbook.
(Although I’m also haunted by this blog post by DJ Fuji wherein he comes to the realization that alpha-status mongering is so thin that it can make you forget the ethic of care and protection that goes with thick masculinity.)
Recently, I’ve had experiences with men who cultivate the Alpha male style without being grounded in the Alpha male responsibilities.
They come at me all bossy and dominant – which, admittedly, sometimes I like (in small doses in very particular circumstances) – and expect to be respected as The Leader without offering the benefits of being led.
It’s a caricature of adult masculinity.
I wish our culture had more roles and nuances and courses of expression and leadership outside of “alpha” to offer our men.
Because when “we” – women, feminists, everyone – say “men rule the world”, what we really mean is that a handful of very privileged men rule the world and those men (and some women) aren’t inclined to share the goodies with the rest of us.
Yep, only a very few have that privilege of power. Most men are locked into powerlessness by the same system locking women out of power.
If I had 1% of the “power” I supposedly had as a man…
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 11:15 am
@Dave Doolin, exactly, exactly, exactly.
My friend Arwyn introduced me to the word “kyriarchy” which, initially, I balked at but now I’m warming up to.
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I love this post. REAL masculinity is super-duper fantastic. And hot.
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 9:08 am
@Catherine Caine, ditto that.
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Very few of any of us – men or women – have the power those few privileged men have.
Great writing!! and so true.
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 11:04 am
@Nicki, thank you Nicki. Had an AMAZING conversation last night about masculinity and the ways that teen-age and young men are so much more developed and nuanced than media conceptions of them depict.
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Elisabeth Schussler Fiorenza (and Kelly Diels) strikes again!
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 11:05 am
@Joyful, thanks for the reference. I just googled her and I’ll have to read her. Thank you!
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“I wish our culture had more roles and nuances and courses of expression and leadership outside of “alpha” to offer our men.”
and i also wish it was more obvious what roles we can play.
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 9:09 am
@Paddy, maybe – just playing devil’s advocate to myself (and you) – in the lack of clear definition there is possibility. I know for myself – and the history of feminism – that the more prescribed and defined the role, the more constrained and unsatisfying it is to live.
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Paddy
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on March 18th, 2010 at 9:51 am
@Kelly Diels,
i don’t doubt that for a minute. I suspect i’ll find satisfaction when i find the role i want to live rather than the one i ought to. still i’m having trouble boiling that down to more than just wanting to do everything
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I don’t believe that alpha has to be negative at all.
Most of the men in my world–competitive strength–are obvious alphas. The interesting thing is, none of them care and it wouldn’t cross their minds. It is a label given to them by others. They’re all (again, in my small circle) kind, generous, magnetic, and charismatic, and they inspire other men, usually.
And I agree with Paddy. There’s too much guesswork on what roles we think we should be chasing if not alpha.
And with that, I remain the defiant alpha nerd/man, and I hope I’m a good example of the right way to have it both ways.
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 9:15 am
@Josh Hanagarne, I don’t think ‘alpha’ is negative if it is a rich understanding of alpha.
“kind, generous, magnetic, and charismatic, and they inspire…” – THAT is the rich, deep, thick masculinity I can get enthusiastically on board with.
What I was specifically talking about was some men who are hovering at the fringes of my life, wanting to “date” (I doubt date is the right word) me and who and think that there is heat in the polarity of male/female (of course there is). They approach me in this very I AM ALPHA way, try to be bossy with me, tell me I’m too emotional or talk too much (in other words, denigrate me for being a woman and who I am) and want to establish a dynamic wherein they are the leader and I am the woman/follower. And yet…aren’t able/willing to offer the other pieces that go with being a leader (support, protection, respect, consistency).
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I would like to see other nuances and labels. I consider myself masculine, maybe not an alpha by definition but I can fix cars and beat things up. I am also a stay at home dad, which will give my father a stroke one day I am sure. He is the Uber-Alpha and I guess I reject that. Many people think that stay at home dad tag cannot be masculine. Maybe I need to go hang out with Josh more.
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 11:12 am
@Justin Matthews, interesting…I’m picking inferences out, here. Sometimes it seems like something like “Uber-Alpha” might mean defiantly, definitively ‘not feminine’, which says a lot about what “we” think of women.
If people are thinking that being a stay-at-home dad is not masculine, they’re wrong. What you’re doing is raising your family. That’s leadership. That’s work. That’s the most important thing any of us do.
When I see my ex with our children, that’s when I most understand who he is as a man. I don’t see him at work; I don’t see him building and fixing things and doing traditional manly-man things. I do see how he is there for our children; how tender and resolute he is with them; and how protective and consistent and committed he is, always.
He’s six foot six. He’s a man’s man. He’s physically very strong and, to some, intimidating-looking.And those things are just signals waving in the area of masculinity. Who he IS is way deeper than that.
And that’s what I’m getting at: the surface stuff that some men try to cultivate to display masculinity are not the actual content of masculinity.
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Justin Matthews
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on March 18th, 2010 at 11:23 am
@Kelly Diels, Thanks Kelly, you summed it up very well. There is a difference between BEING masculine and trying to be seen as masculine.
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Awesome post yet again. I so totally agree… if a male is going to try and be THE ALPHA then he better have some leadership and other skills and qualities to back it up or I will one up him in a heart beat. I AM THE ALPHA FEMALE (can ya hear me roaring? lol).
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 11:14 am
@Gurl, roooowwwwrrr.
Yes. You totally got it.
Except I don’t one up. I just exit. (And then analyze and write blog posts about it.)
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I like it! well said
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This is a really interesting and relevant conversation. My dad was the ultimate alpha – military officer, commandent in charge of thousands of men etc. And I was very luck to see *true* masculinity modelled for me. He could be an bit of autocratic pain in the ass but he was also a man of immense integrity. Being ‘alpha’ without taking responsibility for not just your own well-being but the well-being of the people around you? Without understanding that truly being a leader means always thinking of the greater good for all? I think it is so basic I wonder how all these PUAs miss it. They all perform a pantomime of ‘alphaness’, they want the privileges but refuse to take the responsibilities. It’s a display so hollow, it’s laughable and sort of pathetic.
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Kelly Diels
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on March 18th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
@Leela, OH YOU GET IT. Of course that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Truly, madly, deeply. Thank you for leaving this comment. YES YES YES.
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> KD wrote: “Masculinity is complicated”
You say? Then, is feminity kinda like… rocket science? ;-D
I think it’s a matter of “levels of evolution”.
- An “unevolved” alpha male (we can call it “wild” or “primitive”) is closer to an animal, prone to (ab)using power, intimidation, violence.
- An “evolved” alpha male tend to wisdom, inspiring leadership, strong ethic. People like Josh are – obviously – closer to this kind.
For every aspect of mankind (we might say “archetypes”), you may have an “higher”, luminous level and a “lower”, darker one (or, better yet, a continuum between these extremes)d.
And that’s true for both male and females; e.g.:
- The King (strong male archetype) can be “luminous” (King Arthur) or “dark” (Richard III)
- The Mother (strong female archetype) can be loving and nurturing, or possessive and devouring, as well.
Thinking that “men are like this, women are like that” is misleading. Good and evil live together inside the very essence of everybody, and it’s up to each individual how these potentials are expressed (or not).
Lastly, when someone act bossy, usually (s)he’s just an immature and/or insecure person, faking a strength (s)he doesn’t have, unable to relate on a peer, authentic, respectful level.
So… why bother?
> KD wrote: “those men (and some women)
aren’t inclined to share the goodies with the rest of us.”
Oh my! Humans are egoistic creatures… I’m flabbergasted! ;-D
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 18th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
@Prahlad, yes.
I think the right place to start is with our natures, our basic humanity. Of course all of that gets filtered through biochemistry and socialization and expectations and so on…but we’re acquisitive. It is a necessity, really. At the same time, of course we’re cooperative. We exist in a spectrum between self-centred, acquisitive, power/status-acquiring and altruistic, cooperative, and loving. All of us. No gender has (or should have) a monopoly on any of these qualities.
Of course, what we instinctually display, and choose to exaggerate is really where the story is.
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So basically what you’re saying is that the ‘good’ Alpha male is Batman. Right? Or has watching three Batman movies in a row affected me somehow?
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I hate to sell my gender out like this, but I think that most masculinity is rooted in insecurity. Not in all cases, but in many.
Sure, there are those moments when I want nothing more than to do something manly (like drink a beer and play fight club), but that’s not a frequent experience.
Men are also confused by what women want from them, and I’d argue that in this world of “transparency and authenticity,” that it’s even tougher.
We wind up being split in two and unsure of our true nature. Could be I’m just talking out my ass, maybe you can help me figure it out
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