butterflies are a drug and I’m in rehab
Inevitably I fly high into romance on the wings of butterflies.
Yet I plot – and make – cautious exits well-marked by righteousness and reason. I watch, wait, evaluate and think my way through break-ups.
********
Butterflies.
I question butterflies. I like them. They don’t happen to me a lot. What’s that all about?
Romance novels and chick flicks and Disney movies and even Isabel Allende (I just made fervent sign of the cross over my literate, magic-loving heart and any time I mention her name, you should do the same) make it seem like love is lightning bolt.
Or a flock of butterflies.
- Which is why, when they happen to me, I get very stupid. I hook into a myth that tells me This Is IT.
- Which is also why – beyond the obvious sexism of the cruder versions – I had a profoundly emotional reaction to the Seduction Community. I felt like PUAs were teaching men how to game the myth – and that this was wildly unfair. Society makes good and sure most women get socialized into thinking that butterflies are a precursor to The Big Love That Was Meant To Be – and to embrace them. Then PUAs come along and tell guys how to induce the butterflies, to hook into the myth – and therefore the romanticized decision-making that accompanies the invoking of that myth – without actually delivering the outcome the myth promises. So women making decisions based on romance and myth and butterflies are malleable – and easily screwed*, both by PUAs and our own stories.
- Because they are our own stories. Women write them, tell them, buy them.
So. Back to butterflies. In my most recent romance – with a very sweet man I actually called “my boyfriend” (very rare occurrence) AND introduced to my friends (very, very rare occurrence) – we both worried that we lacked butterflies.
What did that mean? What did it our future hold if the beginning lacked butterflies? We certainly didn’t lack for hot sex (oh yeah), great conversation and easy company. But the stomach-flips? Nope.
Let’s flip that.
When we were little, my sister was a word-scrambler. At Disneyland, she saw the monorail, and shrieked “Look, look the runamail!”
She got excited by butterflies and called them “flutterbys”.
Maybe that’s just about right.
**********
Last year was My Year of Unavailable Men.
I know, I know. They’re all toxic and commitment phobic.
I’m not buying that. Most of us – men and women – fall in love and get married** at some point in our lives, which suggests to me that most of us – men and women – get to a wanting-love place and find a person with whom to share that place.
I don’t think the problem is men. I think the problem is my screening process and the fact that I was trying to force my reality to match fantasy.
Fantasy is good. Excellent. Delicious.
It is simply not a great place from which to launch life-altering decisions.
***************
The fantasy:
the one. meant to be. predestined. love at first sight. butterflies.
that attraction means something more than “I’m attracted to you”
The white hot truth:
There is no soul mate. I know, this is particularly hard news to take because you are longing for The One 24-7. But, guess what, The One is The One because you say he/she is. And that’s way more liberating and empowering than anything preordained or supposedly destined.
Choice. Chosen. Decided, deciding, every day.
Selection.
***********
A word that keeps coming up in my hypnotherapy sessions is selection. I’m actually more passive than active with romantic selection (hence: not the right kinds of men). I often reward persistence. I have been moved by the force of another’s (apparent) desire for me. I have valued The Relationship and The Relationship Products instead of weighing the worth of the person in front of me. I have made decisions based on emotion. I almost always enter into romance hastily, and on pure emotion. I have made decisions based on potential. I have bought a LOT of fixer-uppers and then, once, fully moved in and committed to the renovation, realized: I can’t live like this.
I have lied to myself. I have spent a lot of time wishing and a-hoping and a-praying that something wasn’t true.
Like my Very Bad Lying Man.
On our first date, he said and signalled things that were food to a hungry soul. He showed he was attracted to me. He made me laugh. He was clear from the drop that he knew what he wanted and what he wanted was me. He walked me to my car and noticed my headlights weren’t bright enough and said he’d help me switch them out for shinier ones. Who doesn’t want more shine? He kissed me passionately and well. He called me to make sure I arrived home safely. I felt desired, respected and protected.
Heady stuff.
And that sweet stuff, even for the decidedly unsweet person, is easy to do (and fake) on a first date: a few well-chosen words, touches on the arm and the small of the back, holding doors open, offer to help solve a problem, a steamy kiss, a quick and caring call.
Butterflies.
*******
“I want something, and you’re here” is not selection.
And so I return to my sister’s childhood wisdom and name butterflies for what they are: pretty, fleeting, flitting flutterbys.
Clean closets are my revolution.
_________________
*Please note that I don’t have any issue with the carnal connotation of “screwing”. Really and truly. In fact, I like that sort of thing. I just don’t like when we lie and trick and bullshit our way into people’s affections and elicit implicit expectations in order to get laid.
**using “married” and “marriage” as a short-hand for deep, loving, intimate committed relationship. Marriage can be a symptom of such a thing or a condition thereof. But not always.
_______________
this note is part of a series outlining the story of the Very Bad Lying Man, a few months after the fact:
December 2009. The thin line – cleavage, even – between vulnerability as strength and just out-and-out stupidity.
Here are the breadcrumbs. Bits of the Very Bad Lying Man fell into these posts while the un-love story was happening:
August 2009. Vacation. Day 1. I am THAT Scene in When Harry Met Sally, but It Is Real. And Better.
August 2009. On Being a Needy Girlfriend and What IT SHOULD Teach You
August 2009. When Tough Love Turns Poetic. In a blood, guts, and broken-ego kinda way.
September 2009. On Harm, Healing, Ceilings and How Absent Apologies are the Pits – The Sorry Series, #1
September 2009. How To Receive an Apology. How To Accept an Apology. How To Forgive. Or Maybe Not. – The Sorry Series, #4
December 2009. ask and ye shall…well just ask, anyways.
January 2010. I am the female Bluebeard of suburban Vancouver and I am running out of closet space.
February 2010. Love is a Compass.
February 2010. sexifesto
March 2010. butterflies are a drug and I’m in rehab
March 2010. hearsay brilliance: “Only go when the light is green”
About the author
- More at
Kelly, this gave me an epiphany at Selection, something to do with theological implications of evolution (and I’m no theologian). I need to explore its dimensions before I try to express it though. Thank you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 5:58 am
@Chris, intrigued…hope to hear more.
[Reply]
Chris
replied:
on August 30th, 2010 at 8:50 am
@Kelly Diels, months of writing and re-writing, trying to figure out what I mean, when I stumble upon it all written out concise by someone else. Brain-share! Awesome!
http://lesswrong.com/lw/kr/an_alien_god/
Hope you enjoy the thoughts.
[Reply]
Kelly. Yes. I agree that there is no such thing as The One. I believe that absolutely. And I also know the power of being wanted, desired, protected. And how.
The ability to discern that that is not always this, as it were, and that butterflies are just fluttering by … well, was always really hard for me. But your funny and eloquent dissection of the topic helps, helps a lot, so, thank you!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 5:58 am
@Lindsey, Yes, Danielle absolutely wrote that right (about The One).
It is really hard. Butterflies are meant to cloud judgement. And yet they’re so purty.
[Reply]
Oh no! I disagree, on some things.
I do believe in butterflies – but they must be qualified butterflies. And sometimes they are farm-grown, cultivated butterflies and not wild butterflies. Sometimes I’m a butterfly grower. That’s ok by me.
And, tho’ for a long time I believed in the One (a bad belief, if you think the One was the guy whom you just left behind), now I believe in the Ones (I first thought to say the Many, but I didn’t think I oughtta say I was a fan of the Many, for how would I look then?) Meaning, there is more than one One out there. And with each One you can have a genuine, chemistry-filled, authentic connection of emotion, values, and desires.
And there are many Sweet Charmings who are NOT the One out there. The trick is recognizing them for what they are – and enjoying them if that’s your thing or moving along quickly if it’s not. The difference between Sweet Charmings and the One (for me)? Values. Character. The unsexy stuff.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 5:56 am
@ami | 40daystochange, as always, your comments have so much substance. Thank you so much.
What’s new for me is that I’m a) not making decisions based on butterflies and b) not putting up with stupid stuff because of butterflies.
Butterflies are most welcome, though. Like you said, about Sweet Charmings (which I think is also true for butterflies): “the trick is recognizing them for what they are – and enjoying them”.
(And I think values and character are the sexy stuff.)
[Reply]
Deanna
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
@Kelly Diels, Don’t you think “the One” and “butterflies” are mutually exclusive? “Sweet Charmings” stir up butterflies. “The One,” well…butterflies come much later in the relationship, I guess, if they come at all. Butterflies and romance and the fairy tale…No. We women need to take control of our lives and actively seek men who feed our brains and respect our opinions and beliefs and values. There is no romance about it. And it is not up to the man. Romance is a myth that seems to get guys laid. The guys aren’t going to stick around. The PUAs will move one. Feed your brain, and your body will be fed, too. Sex before intellectual connection and commitment is putting the cart before the horse. Unless, of course, you just want to have sex.
Deanna.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 8:26 pm
@Deanna, “And it is not up to the man”. Yes, exactly. I’m burning away all kinds of beliefs, and The One and Romance and being swept off my feet by the force of someone’s desire are some of them.
(Sometimes I do just want to have sex, though)
Or I did. I’m not really there, right now.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
@Deanna, also: nothing hotter and more compelling and yes, butterfly-inducing than “men who feed our brains and respect our opinions and beliefs and values.” Ditto for “intellectual connection and commitment.”
[Reply]
Deanna
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
@Kelly Diels, Amen, sister. You’re a-speakin’ my language now.
There is a whole ‘nother conversation about marriage and sex and the difference between the two that we eventually need to have…another day. (Yes, I’m a writer. Yes, I use ellipsis. Free form writing is allowed when you know the rules and break them intentionally to make your point.)
You’re a doll. Good thoughts to the Universe for you.
[Reply]
Deanna
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
@Deanna, And grammatical problems are overlooked after 11:00 pm on a Saturday night.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
@Deanna, I use ellipses too. (Don’t tell anyone.)
You might like this:
http://www.kellydiels.com/2009/11/23/psssst-it-is-not-all-copywriting-all-the-time/
[Reply]
“I think the problem is my screening process and the fact that I was trying to force my reality to match fantasy.”
Thank god it isn’t fantasy that we share the same brain.
I. adore. you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 6:04 am
@Julie Roads, I. adore. you. right back. love love love.
[Reply]
I met a girl once that was upset that she no longer got butterflies. “Where are the butterflies!?” she exclaimed. So I guaranteed her butterflies. We made out.
As for “the one”, well, I dated the one for a long time, and in the end it wasn’t meant to be. I think there are many “ones” now.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 6:06 am
@Deacon, making out is just good methodology.
[Reply]
Funny, I was just telling a friend that I miss the butterflies. Can’t remember the last time they were around.
Agree completely. The One is a choice. Love is a choice.
I’m still chasing the butterflies, though.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 6:10 am
@Christina Majaski, butterflies are weird. The things that SHOULD give me butterflies (flowers, fancy restaurants, huge grand gestures, all the usual romantic suspects), don’t.
Random little stuff that show character and care? WOW.
loved this: “…still chasing butterflies…”
[Reply]
Christina Majaski
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
@Kelly Diels,
I don’t know, I trust butterflies simply because as I get older it does take more to find them. “Huge grand gestures” are routine and mundane and don’t mean as much as they did a decade ago. Sometimes there’s a reason there aren’t any butterflies and the reason could be as simple as the fact that I’d rather be texting other people during dinner than having the same exact conversation I had with the last 5 dates. (I know. I know. Rude.) I’m tired of feeling like I’m plagiarizing myself. It’s like dating Groundhog Day sometimes only with a different guy.
I want to be moved so much (way beyond being carried to the bedroom, though that helps) that I want to puke because my stomach’s in knots. It really doesn’t take that much either. I don’t want to feel like puking because I’m wondering wtf my friend was thinking when he/she tried to hook me up with this guy.
We know but sometimes ignore it and maybe it’s just the created and fabricated butterflies that we should be leery of. I trust my gut though and these days, I fully expect some sort of flutter.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Christina, I’m with you. We all want to be moved. I want to be moved. I want to be moving.
Right now – and this is relatively new – I’m finding that the things that might me move are not the pretty pleasures so much as showing up.
[Reply]
*Applause*
One of those things we’re taught, explicitly or not, is that without the butterflies, something is wrong. And when you start with butterflies, they have to continue. When they don’t–oh well, move on. In other words, “comfortable” is wrong.
Frankly, I’ve come to love the easy, comfortable coexistence with my guy. It’s sustainable, simple as that. And it’s wonderful.
The other thing I really loved about this post was your point on selection and choice. I went on a rant ages ago, it feels like, about how I didn’t want some guy to NEED me because needs were involuntary. I wanted someone to *choose* me because he didn’t want to be without me, not because he “couldn’t” be without me. It’s a fine line to some, but for me it’s an important one.
[Reply]
Ack – there is so much familiarity in this. This was me to a a perfect T. Then I had two conversations with long-married women (one being my mom – shocker!)who set me straight on The One being a choice. Turned my world upside down. So I chose – and though it hasn’t been easy, I’m happy with my choice. I got the value and character and those butterflies last forever.
[Reply]
Butterflies are flighty by nature and we do not like them pinned down. Sometimes you have them in droves and the other doesn’t. And it is still a deep and meaningful relationship. I wrote about my complicated relationship recently (concerned, because I tend to commit, that I was a love addict) which my lovely therapist turned on its head.
All relationships are complicated. The two (or more) people involved see them with completely different eyes. Our life experiences are radically different. Relationships of value grow us in some positive ways, right? But the value might be all mine and not yours. Or vice versa. Or, if lucky, both.
I have butterflies with my gal. She with me? Not so much. Sex drives differ RADICALLY. There is pain and deep respect and love and conversation and support. I ask myself daily if I’m selling out and then there is more conversation and support and I think not. Plus no one else offers what she does in terms of growth. So far.
BUT WHO KNOWS ANYTHING FOR SURE?
Sorry. I published a small novel.
Thank you for your words, Ms. D.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 8:27 am
@Kelly, I like your small novel.
I also like your take on growth and relationships. Most definitely.
[Reply]
No one is immune. No one.
Butterflies are Bad. Hummingbirds are even worse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZVNddPOd-E
Beware shiny pretty things.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 19th, 2010 at 8:26 am
@Dave Doolin, apparently, “in proportion to body size, the hummingbird heart is the largest in the world”.
The shiny pretty things – now we’re talking about crows. (Bring sparklies home to the nest.)
Of course no one is immune. I’m definitely not immune. I’ve just decided not to make decisions or premature compromises based on butterflies.
[Reply]
This is a great post. I was reading the bit about selection and the things you seem to have come to realize and caught myself thinking: “Hey, maybe I need hypnotherapy!” If you got all that from therapy your therapist deserves a tip!
Really, isn’t this the core cause behind our soaring divorce rates? We equate “butterflies” with Love (I’m more likely to think of them as good indicators for lust) and so if the butterflies are lacking, or (even worse) if they leave we decide that Love does not exist there.
I’m totally in love with, and fully committed to my One – but I rarely experience butterflies. He and I have all kinds of greats, and love each other passionately, but it’s been years since there were butterflies and we never make out in parked cars anymore. I imagine a lot of people would decide that the Love was gone at this point. Which is a shame because there are all kinds of magical depths here that so many of us raised on Our Stories of Butterflies might be missing out on.
(Like this weekend when I asked my husband what was going to happen when he finished losing all his weight and women threw themselves at him – he’s lost a TON so far and looks great – and I still look like myself. To which he replied he’d say, “Sorry ladies, you are all lovely, but I already have the perfect woman at home.”
Me: “You don’t really think that, you are just teasing me.”
Him, looking serious for the first time in his life, “Yes I do.” squeezes hand… Sigh… see, Love hidden behind jokes.)
Yours,
Megan
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 10:02 am
@Megan, I think you might be right – that we/our culture equate the butterflies/infatuation etc with LOVE. They’re not the same.
Here’s my deal with butterflies: I don’t get them a whole lot but I have this idea that I SHOULD. So then, when I do, I think: “This MUST be significant.”
And put my judgement in my purse. And then promptly lose my purse.
Still, the two very significant relationships in my life did NOT start with that (for me at least). It took me about nine months to really “get there”. And then I was blissfully, wildly, deeply in love. And even years into my marriage, I could get a random stomach flutter when I saw him or he did something that resonated with me. I never had that in the beginning. Curious, huh?
[Reply]
Megan
replied:
on March 22nd, 2010 at 6:54 pm
@Kelly Diels, Oh no, that makes total and perfect sense to me!
True story: I once dated brothers (not at the same time silly!); they had third brother who my friend was madly in love with but I didn’t understand: he was a huge drinker and plainly unattractive. But, in the time where things were rough between the brothers – yes, because of me – (but let’s be clear, my original boyfriend brother dumped me because I was going away for the summer and he wanted to be free to play around – some guys deserve what they get) this eldest brother was kind to me. I suddenly found him attractive.
What? Him!
That was my lesson in loving a friend. It really doesn’t take much to grow real love and butterflies – and yes, even attraction – sometimes kindness is all you really need.
(No, I did not date the third brother – what, do I look stupid?) LOL But yeah, I know just what you mean. We need to learn a better balance between heart and head, and we definitely need some new chick flicks!
Yours,
Megan
[Reply]
Kelly… you need to call me back about our “Very Bad Lying Man”. Updates are good. I had butterflies that fluttered by for him too. He is a very good butterfly generator; he gave all of us women butterflies (even all at the same time!). Tee hee… very clever… but he was so very bad at other things. I don’t believe in butterflies anymore.
[Reply]
A suggestion: try to find the “purpose” of the butterflies, and – I think – you’ll understand that phenomenon.
(hint: the reason doesn’t seem to be “Making you happy in the long run”)
Nature has always a reason for everything it put in us. For what purpose did Nature created those “butterflies”?
(The romantic myth didn’t create the butterflies. The myth just built on them)
PS: *everybody* get stupid when butterflies happen – not only you.
Amd I think that’s linked to their purpose.
PPS: If you’re passive, you tend to get what others decide for you.
And if you reward persistence, you risk to get the most stubborn and discourage the brightest.
PPS: Maybe the best loving relationship is based on mutual friendship.
But friendship doesn’t create butterflies. So…
[Reply]
I have to say I’m having some trouble with all this butterfly-slagging.
I send butterflies to people all the time – magical carriers of energy to protect, heal, uplift, rejuvenate…they cause a smile, if nothing else, to the person receiving them.
So, when I wish you butterflies for this reason or that, know that I’m sending you some special butterflies, designed to give you some energy you’re needing. They are not these false and charming tricksters you speak of!
But, really, your words, as always are so worth contemplating. My man and I made our choice to be together many many years ago, and we make that choice easily over and over again as the years go on.
At one time I thought there was just One, but I realize that’s not exactly true. We were lucky to find each other and choose to be together at such a young age. Lucky, and wise beyond our years. Now there are plenty of years behind us, and we’re entirely happy with this choice. How we keep the spark, well, that’s a whole other topic.
Keep your heart open. Every moment is your life.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on March 20th, 2010 at 10:03 am
@PicsieChick, your butterflies are not the tricksters I’m talking about, that’s for SURE. Yours are magic. xo.
[Reply]
Happy Spring Kelly, and everyone else too.
I love butterflies! Still get them from my honey after 19 yrs and 2 kids.
[Reply]
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[...] March 2010. butterflies are a drug and I’m in rehab [...]
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