it was my pre-birthday dinner with girlfriends last night and we covered off cleavage (everyone BROUGHT IT), as well as sex, money, and meaning.
Heather said a lot of bad words and I said, as I always do, that she is exceptionally fortunate to be good-looking because no one would put up with her otherwise. Not even me.
That’s a lie. I love her to bits. (But she is really hot.)
(She also got pretty hot ‘n bothered in the comments of my last piece. You all ignored her. That’s the right approach. DO NOT ANGER IT.)
1. sex – I can’t even go there. Wow.
2. money – I saw Real Housewives of Atlanta AND Orange County for the first time EVER on Saturday and could not tear my eyes away. There was a tupperware party with a drag queen. We’re totally having one of those. Heather and I both offered to be the drag queen.
3. meaning – I got bumpits and that meant a lot to me. It is not world peace but hot damn, I’m totally on my way to drag queen. (see #2)
(I love drag. It underlines the performativity of “feminine”.)
(I also love the make-up.)
Really, the meaning is this: my friends showed up, looking gorgeous, and celebrated with me for my birthday. This seems like simple stuff, but it feeds the soul. This is really the stuff of life: having people to love is everything.
And then, if all of this wasn’t good enough, Heather played our favourite Boyz II Men song on the way home. She really did. Gawd I love her so much.
She even e-mailed me her new thoughts on the lyrics. It is practically a dissertation:
Close your eyes, make a wish (oohh ohhh can I be alone?)
And blow out the candlelight (you are going to set off the smoke detector)
For tonight is just your night (sweet! take the kids with you)
We’re gonna celebrate, all thru the night (we…what’s this “we” shit?)
Pour the wine, light the fire (I dont like wine and if this is going to be all night you better fetch the vodka)
Girl your wish is my command (I said take the kids with you damnit)
I submit to your demands (and you could steam the floor…..)
I’ll do anything, girl you need only ask (riiight, I’ve heard this before and then all of a sudden you [KD censored what goes here])
Chorus:
I’ll make love to you (what’s this make love shit? We [bad word here and for the record neither of us like the phrase "make love"]. That’s it)
Like you want me to (I would really like to sleep to be honest)
And I’ll hold you tight (You know the rules about touching afterwards. It’s a no no)
Baby all through the night (Please no)
I’ll make love to you (This talk is giving me the heebeejeebees)
When you want me to (can we do this maybe next week after you’ve steamed the floor?)
And I will not let go (this isn’t the best way to convince me)
Till you tell me to (do we have a safe word?)
Girl relax, let’s go slow (I’m trying, close the door after you)
I ain’t got nowhere to go (we need groceries actually)
I’m just gonna concentrate on you (can I just do it myself please?)
Girl are you ready, it’s gonna be a long night (friiickkkkkkk, I’m going to chafe)
Throw your clothes on the floor (That’s how unsightly [KD censored what goes here, and, as I mentioned, thank goodness she's hot] start)
I’m gonna take my clothes off too (remember, if the ginch isn’t in the basket it doesn’t get washed…and you’ll be cold when getting the groceries)
I made plans to be with you (why am I always the last to know. We’ve talked about this shit, and fyi, who has the kids??!!)
Girl whatever you ask me you know I’ll do (the floors [bad word]er)
Chorus
Baby tonight is your night ( it’s not looking that way)
And I will do you right (mmhmmm)
Just make a wish on your night (anywhere but here lord)
Anything that you ask [again, censored. WTF, Heather.]
I will give you the love of your life (Taye Diggs? You can really do that??)
Happy pre-birthday Kelly! Sounds like you had an amazing time. Thanks for sharing your night with us. The song is hilarious.
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Sounds like a wonderful time! I guess I better work on my hot quotient as I think I have a mouth to rival Heather’s.
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When’s your b-day Mama? Mine is this month too!! Makes even more sense that we connect the way we do. And no I am not jealous that you’re hanging out with other women…
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Happy B.D. girl, may you get the spanking of your dreams. God I love your blog, wish I could write about sex love and money (and keep my gig) instead of just wrting love and money.
My wish for you, based on something you said here: may you f*** as if you’re making love, and may you make love as if you’re f***ing. Both result in a sum that exceeds either throbbing parts. Much love — L.
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Yeah, I have one of those pretty friends that gets away with just about anything that comes into her empty little head.
You love em and you hate em. But mostly I hate her.
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Those thoughts on that song…HI-larious! Doesn’t everyone have the inappropriate hot friend? Thank God I don’t have a potty mouth, I wouldn’t have many friends, ha! Hope your birthday and the year to follow is everything YOU want it to be ‘o)
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Clearly I’m late for the day but it sounds like you partied in style…and doesn’t EVERYONE want to be a drag queen? If not, I think they are lying. And a steam punker. Or a steam punk drag queen? You are all of these things to me. Happy birthday girl!
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