Violence. The Dark Side of Sex and Power
- By Kelly Diels
- 9 February, 2010
- 107 Comments
I am The Official Cheerleader – or would be, if I didn’t have a HUGE MOFO PROBLEM with cheerleading as an avocation, thanks TLC for that brain trauma – for love’n'sex.
I wax semi-lyrical. I expound. I froth at the mouth. I’m wildly enthusiastic. I declared Valentine’s Day my personal Christmas and insisted that you do the same.
Possibly I seem a little naive. Possibly, when I write happily about happy sex, I’m leaving a lot of unhappiness out.
Figleaf, the author of Real Adult Sex pointed that out:
I have to admit little winces here and caveats there — oooh, it’s not so wonderful for everyone. Oooh, he could get a disease. Ooh, she could get a reputation. Ooooh, they could be exploiting each other. Oooh, the first time isn’t so great for lots of people. You know what I mean, right? You read something as obliviously joyous as that and you find yourself thinking “that’s wonderful, hon, and sure it’s like that for some people but…”
He is, of course, right. I didn’t do that in that particular essay, and I don’t do that a whole lot here, either. I do it sometimes. But not often.
It is because I’m both resilient and an optimist. Hope just won’t leave my ass alone. I walk in love, and for the most part, I trade in love almost entirely. Every once in a while I encounter someone who is out-and-out dangerous, but not often.
That wasn’t always the case.
I mentioned it really briefly, before. From the age of 4(ish) to 11(ish), a family member – NOT my parents – molested me, and, as it unsurprisingly turns out, other girls and women in our family, too.
***
With him, always, even as an adult, entrances and exits required strategy. Whenever hugs were required, I tried to make myself scarce or structure an embrace like a robot – arms straight out, hands hopefully landing palms out on his chest, to keep as much distance between our bodies as possible.
When I was twenty-one, and engaged, the slow simmer-of-secrecy boiled over. I did not want this person – this abuser – to be at my wedding. I did not want to have to dodge his ever-searching lips on a day dedicated to happy kisses.
I didn’t want to have to covertly defend myself at my own celebration. But how could I not invite him? It would be a HUGE issue.
I wrestled with it. I cried over it. I started having nightmares where I was breastfeeding a baby who turned into tiger and even right now, in this minute, I can still feel the puncture wounds of my truth-talking dreams.
Still, I tried mightily to talk myself out of my instincts. After all, I’d been carrying and covering up his shame for 17 years – what did one more night matter?
And then we had a family dinner at a restaurant and we were reciting family legends. Everyone was laughing about how stubborn and wilful his now-adult daughter had been her whole life.
It all started when she was four, and dug her way under the backyard fence and took the bus downtown. A couple of police officers noticed her wandering, took her to the police station, and gave her an ice cream. She did this a couple more times.
Hilarious! She was so determined, even then! She just wanted the ice cream!
Laughter all around the table.
I turned to her and said, why would a four year old dig her way under a fence?
She said, evenly, I had my reasons.
More laughter.
I sat there, outwardly calm while inwardly I surrendered. I surrendered to my anger. To my overwhelming rage. To a heels-dug-in refusal to be complicit or to accept his burden as my own.
I told my parents. They were devastated. They blamed themselves. They wondered why I thought they wouldn’t have protected me.
I always knew they would protect me. I was protecting them. I was trying, in my child-knows-best way, to protect my family.
So I know. I really know. I know on an almost cellular, instinctual level how sex can be a weapon and an instrument of damage. I carry that blood-level knowledge.
***
After I graduated with my BA, I went to Taiwan to teach English at a kindergarten. Teachers taught in pairs. On the day of my arrival, I met my future co-teacher and we went to lunch to get to know each other.
He said things that seemed innocent but rang all the wrong bells. He kept saying, I just love kids. Just love ‘em. Prefer their company to adults.
Nothing wrong with that, right?
It just didn’t sit right with me. My pedophile radar was signalling.
I went to the school administrator directly, after lunch, but what could I say? That guy creeps me out? I don’t think you should let him around kids? Based on what? You can’t make those kinds of accusations without some evidence.
Instead I said that I didn’t want to work with him and insisted they pair me with someone else.
A couple of weeks later, a group of teachers were taking the bus to Taipei. He was commenting on the barber shops: He was so surprised! The hair salons with a barber pole in front of them aren’t selling hairstyles, they’re selling sex! They’re brothels fronting as barber shops!
And he was making some kind of comment, just aghast, of course, about how he had heard that there were places like that, here, in Taiwan, where children were on the menu. And my my flash of a thought was this: he’s probing to see who is of like mind. Who is like him. Who is here to prey on children.
A month later, a mother and father came to the school and told the administration that he had been touching their four year old daughter.
That night, he was on a plane home. There was no investigation, no police, no alarms sounded. Another teacher, a retired police officer, called his former precinct and gave them the teacher’s name, but there was nothing, it seemed, any of us could do except talk about all the warning signs each of us had seen.
***
A lot of times, there seems like there is just not much to do. A few very damaged people cause very profound damage. They assault and beat and rape and kill people and after the fact we see the signs that were there all along.
And sometimes we let things slide because they seem inconsequential.
Like a Facebook page. A Facebook page called:
Killing Your Hooker So You Don’t Have To Pay Her
As I’m writing, this page has 17,797 fans who think it is amusing to joke about torturing and killing sex workers. To say that “hookers aren’t human”. To say to the women complaining: we’re not really talking about killing women, because hookers aren’t human therefore they’re not women either. And oh yeah, and can’t you all take a joke? This is funny.
Maybe it is a stretch to connect the sexual abuse I endured as a child to a Facebook page, but I don’t think so. A culture that creates people who think murdering women is funny is the same culture that produces adults who prey on children. It is a culture of predation. It is a rape culture, a culture that requires denial, and one that tells us to ignore our instincts so we aren’t moved to action.
Just like I did in Taiwan.
And so, if you’re feeling moved to action, please report this page to Facebook – the same Facebook that’s in an awful hurry to censor images of breastfeeding but hasn’t taken any action on this page – and ask that they take it down.
There’s an argument here about censorship, sure. But at this exact moment in time, I don’t care about censorship. I care about people. I care about sex workers, who do a very dangerous job, and deserve to be safe. Always. Unreservedly.
About the author
- More at
wow. god. I’m off to report it.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 9th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
@Carlos Velez, thanks Carlos.
[Reply]
Sadly, they are at 18318 at the moment – just reported it myself. Very sad and not funny at all.
Kelly, this is an excellent post to raise awareness of violence against women. I am sorry that you had to go through something like that yourself.
I am in awe of your ability to share this in order to help others. I admire your strength also.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 9th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
@Shawna Cevraini, you know what? I am just reporting the facts. It doesn’t – now – feel especially raw or brave. It just is.
And thank you.
[Reply]
There was a similar group started on Facebook by Aussie high school students condoning rape. It’s pretty sick that as a joke it actually drew out some people who were sort of justifying rape in certain circumstances.
Here in China there have been cases of foreign teachers coming here as pedophiles. If they’re found out, they’re normally just fired.
Here, we also have politicians paying money to have sex with under-agers. It’s a sick world. Sorry, but it’s sick in that it can happen so easily still. It gets on my tits.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:14 am
@Gordie, after I wrote this, I thought hmmmm, maybe I shouldn’t campaign to have it taken down. Maybe it is better to let people show themselves for what they are and what they believe.
But I can’t get away from the idea that these kinds of ‘jokes’ echo, reinforce and perpetuate twisted ideas.
[Reply]
I reported this to Facebook as well, and changed my FB status asking others to report it as well.
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I reported this to Facebook as well, and changed my FB status asking others to report too.
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VERY powerful post Kelly. Thanks so much for mustering up the courage to write about such a personal and touchy (no pun intended) subject. I really appreciate your candor about it. So sorry you had to experience all of that. Your strength is amazingly beautiful to me.
I can’t believe FB actually has this page up. I’ll definitely report it as well.
Take care hun.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:16 am
@Kerry Ellington, thank you.
I can be candid about it because I truly believe that it is not my burden to carry. When I broke the silence, I put the shame back where it belonged.
[Reply]
I just reported it. And facts or not, when you share your story, you help other people – you give them hope and you give them courage. You are wonderful.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:16 am
@Juile Roads, I’ll take it! Thanks for reporting it and for your sweet words.
[Reply]
I reported it as well.
Thank you for sharing your stories and putting your thoughts out here. I am always moved by reading your posts, every time.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:17 am
@Karen Starr, thank you so much Karen.
[Reply]
Thanks for sharing your story Kelly. I was moved by your words.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:17 am
@Shannon | Confessions of a Loving Wife, Thank you. I appreciate it.
[Reply]
I’m on it. Actions and words speak loudly together. You rock.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:17 am
@Laura Cococcia | The Journal of Cultural Conversation, “action and words speak loudly together”. Exactly. Perfect. Thanks.
[Reply]
To FB right after I hit “submit” here, but wanted first to commend you, acknowledge you, support you, love you. Hard, hard stuff, Kelly. Painful to say out loud but excruciating to have experienced, known, carried, protected, and grieved. Your courage and vulnerability are what invite and enable movement and change for others.
As always, I’m struck by your beauty – in writing, in life.
Thank you.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:20 am
@Ronna Detrick, It was painful when I was twenty-one; it was painful all the years up until then. But as soon as I named it – and named the abuser – it became just a thing in a list of facts about me. Bluegreen eyes, brown hair, no appendix, tough cookie, etc.
[Reply]
I’ve just reported it to Facebook, too, and made that my status.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 6:20 am
@Joy Matkowski, thank you. I’m gratified that so many people feel the same and are saying so.
[Reply]
I’ve reported & passed the word about the FB site.
Can I tell you that as a woman, and a mother that I’m really really proud of you–and grateful. Easily, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done was to explain to my children when they were very young, that some people do bad things–and give them permission, to say “No” to tell me or another adult when something about someone felt hinky.
As I go through my life, striving to be the gentle, non-violet side of strength–that urge to stop the perpetrators still lingers.
Today though–I send you my hug. I am proud of you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 9:19 am
@Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave, you wrote something in another comment, about telling your kids that “I don’t want to” is a pretty great compass. That really landed with me. That is profoundly important parenting advice.
And thanks for the I’m-proud-of-you and the hug.xoxoxo
[Reply]
I also have reported this. I could not believe that this page has attracted 21,802 fans! As usual, your writing aims right to the core of me.
Thank you for pointing all of us to this page. Let’s hope FaceBook hears us loud and clear.
[Reply]
This post needs a wider audience, Kelly.
It needs to be in print. You would be a perfect
fit for Bust magazine. Something. I will spread
as far and wide as possible but please do
pitch it, perhaps even to Oprahs mag bc she just
did a powerful show on molestation this week.
Will report on FB when home. Much love to you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 9:21 am
@Kelly, thank you so much. Print, as you know, is on my list of things to do, this year. Keep poking me to pitch. much love. xoxoxo
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Reported to FB and passed along! Good article.
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This is my first time commenting on your blog. I’m glad you were able to tell you parents.
I chose to tell my parents two years ago. We are all still trying to pick up the pieces that the sexual abuse has caused.
I also reported the facebook page.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 9:12 am
@Andria, my heart is with you. I’m so glad you were able to give away the secret and that you’re picking up the pieces, together. much heartfelt love,
Kelly
[Reply]
I’m a huge fan of “The White Hot Truth” and always check out her suggestions. This is how I found “Cleavage”. I’ve been a subscriber for a week or so now, but today I became a fan! I just want to say “You rock!”
I was molested from age 2 through 8, but by a so-called “family friend”. Like you, I was a smart little kid and tried like hell to avoid this creep AND protect my younger sister. Our experience is quite different in the fact that I told my mother and she continued her friendship anyway. One word: devastating
As a child, I learned damned quick I was the one in charge (better than no one). I had to outwit this manipulating creep, because he wasn’t going away. To this day, my instincts are my guide. I wish more people would hone and tune-in. We all have them, some more acute than others. One thing that irks me is when people don’t speak out because they are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. I’d rather risk that, than ignore the very real possibility and let another child experience or continue to experience abuse. It’s life altering and robs one of precious time and life’s joy.
I love the part about your wedding day and taking back your power, your day, and your life.
I already reported the FB site you mentioned. Good work. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 9:15 am
@Tina, you are a force, and a lesson about just how strong kids are, and can be. I wish you had been gifted with a protector. I’m glad you’re strong enough to protect.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and taking action. I’m glad you’re here.
[Reply]
Positive Mitch
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
@Kelly Diels, I have worked at a place where kids with cancer come in for treatment. They really are strong–often much stronger than their parents. Tina, your case bears that out.
I am very close to somebody whose mother let stuff like this go on after finding out when she was young. It’s so awfully twisted… thanks for sharing.
[Reply]
Kelly, thanks for sharing, lighting up a bit more of the darkness. I know of far too many women who have continued to bear similar burdens on their own, or who have been outright ignored and shushed when they did open up.
Reported the FB page; it provides no socially-redeeming value whatsoever, and promotes a group mentality of indifference and objectivity to an all-too-real problem.
I appreciate your well-crafted words on love, sex, and life. Keep it up!!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 9:22 am
@Paul Kaiser, thank you Paul. I too know lots of women who have been shushed or disbelieved. I am so grateful to have been believed.
thanks for the sweet words.
[Reply]
just e’d Facebook. thanks.
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Too shocked for words. I don’t Facebook and you’ve given me a reason never to sign up to their service. People, report far and wide!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 9:16 am
@Steph, I don’t blame Facebook (except when they’re deleting pictures of breastfeeding – wtf?). Facebook is just the medium. But I sincerely hope they hear the messages they’re getting from their community that this kind of hate speech is not okay.
[Reply]
I think that the two, supporting this sort of hate speech and not publishing breastfeeding pics, do not add up and show an inability to prioritise while feeding on very clear parochialism. Breastfeeding pics qualify as offensive while this group has 18,000+ supporters and is still going strong? Sometimes freedom of speech takes some people right at the bottom of the gutter they habitually inhabit. Hopefully they’ll stay there.
:-O
[Reply]
Positive Mitch
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
@Steph, or we can respond as we have.
Gratuitous violence unfortunately is everywhere. We just have to train ourselves to respond to it. Our society doesn’t take these things so seriously, so often we have no idea about how to handle them. But this episode here was a good learning experience, and a successful one, I might add–the page is gone.
[Reply]
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, no matter what you say, you are incredibly brave to post something so personal and horrifying. Thank you for sharing.
I can’t believe the facebook pages that people put up. I have had many dreams of vigilante style justice on pedophiles and rapists. It is too bad that there is not more that can be done about people like that.
You are quite the beacon of strength and hope to any who end up in that unfortunate situation.
Thanks again
Justin
[Reply]
Thanks Kelly for talking so openly about your experiences and shedding light on what rape culture is. I’m also disgusted by the FB page, and I’ve reported it.
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count another complaint to FB. It was hard to be polite in making the request, just a minute of reading the site made my blood boil.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
@ami | 40daystochange, right there with you. I was so astonished by it that I almost didn’t even know what to say. Then I thought of something to say. A lot of somethings.
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K-Diels…
For what it’s worth… I’m sorry for what you had to go through.
No person ever deserves that.
Sometimes words just arn’t enough…
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
@Chase Brumfield, thank you my friend.
[Reply]
Ok. Seriously? First of all, I love your writing. But I’m going to have to disagree COMPLETELY as far as your “Facebook fan page” commentary.
Regardless of a fan page that reads “Killing your hooker so you don’t have to pay her” that’s still going to happen. I don’t think there’s people going on and seeing that fan page and saying “WOAH! GREAT IDEA!”
And the people who are a part of that fan page, that would actually DO something that horrible? Would do it with or without the page. I think it’s ridiculous to suggest “censoring” a page. If we’re going to do that, I’m sure I can put together a list of a whole LOT of pages we should be censoring as well. Which of course leads into the entire “internet censorship” argument.
The internet is free. If you don’t like that fan page, block it. Hide it. It’s that simple.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
@Mike, I’ve been wobbling about this, admittedly. Censorship? Am I pro-censorship? I’m struggling with that, conceptually.
But I don’t think I have to let this page slide and just avert my eyes. I don’t want to. I think we, as a society, trivialize and make light of violence against women.
Violence, period. But DEFINITELY violence against women.
That page, and it’s authors and fans, are making a statement about something. They’re creating a page advocating a position: that it is funny to dehumanize people.
I’m making a statement right back. I wrote this post. I encouraged an action.
Freedom of expression is a freedom in the public sphere. It is not free in privately controlled spaces.
For example, you (I’m using the grand “You” not you, personally) can’t say anything you want in my house; or, you can, but you can also expect to be asked to leave or be quiet if I can’t stomach your perspective.
It is like this with Facebook. Nobody has the “right” to post anything they want on Facebook. That’s why Facebook has a terms of agreement. That’s why Facebook removes things that other people complain about and find objectionable. Because Facebook owns and controls that space.
I object to this Facebook page. I object to a page that makes it okay to laugh at and harm and kill sex workers. I’m letting Facebook know.
I’m not saying I’m right. I might be wrong. I’m willing to be wrong.
“If I don’t like that fan page, block. Hide it. It’s that simple.”
Please tell me how to hide and block misogyny. Because I need that filter for every aspect of my life, not just the internet.
This post wasn’t just about a Facebook page. It was about how our society – or a good chunk of people in it – hates and preys on women.
[Reply]
Positive Mitch
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
@Kelly Diels, Damn right. If this page had some kind of point to it, ok… but this page kind of has the same effect as swastikas graffiti’d all over a neighborhood: gratuitous destruction. For every piece of free speech like that which is allowed to thrive without a big challenge, 100 more kinds of real, meaningful speech are blocked. Not sorry to see that page go!
[Reply]
@Mike…. perhaps… but perhaps it’s making jokes about things like killing hookers that desensitizes us to human suffering?… Why do we not really wince when we see someone killed in a movie? Some people actually go to movies like the SAW series to be entertained by what new ways can be invented to kill people… Can we really as a society enjoy “creative ways to kilL” and then wonder why death doesn’t shock us anymore, why we become immune to suffering, and why humanity develops a “no big deal, just a joke” attitude.
It’s not about the fan page actually doing what they’re joking about. It’s about the jokes themselves and the effect they have on the betterment of humanity. Is it improving our situation as a whole or not?
I think not…
Peace…
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
@Chase Brumfield, YES. ditto. well said.
[Reply]
Amanda
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
@Chase Brumfield, Thread jacking for a sec: y’know why I watch horror movies? A sick and curious fascination with the macabre. The dark. And, y’know the joys of movie special effects. How would I react if I saw it in real life? I’d be torn apart inside. Movies aren’t real. The people aren’t real. The effects make them surreal. So while I agree that slasher flicks and other sorts of horror don’t do much to add to our humanity, not all of us horror lovers see humans as meat to torture and kill.
I love people. Real life violence is… abhorrent. Terrifying. Sickening.
Okay, thread jack over. <3
[Reply]
Chase Brumfield
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
@Amanda,
While I hear you, I still think the point is just as you put it “I agree that slasher flicks and other sorts of horror don’t do much to add to our humanity”… Sure, some people simply enjoy these types of entertainment for just that… a type of entertainment. However, It’s the classic puppy dog/person delimma. To see a person tortured on screen is old hat, it invokes barely any response. To see a puppy dog tortured on screen makes audiences groan, turn away, feel uncouth… I’ve seen it happen.
What we see over and over again we become accustomed to, and while some are perfectly capable of seperating cinema from reality, everyone is susceptible to being effected in some way by it as well.
I didn’t mean by any stretch of the imagination that all horror movie fans are stone cold mutilators, hell, I enjoy the occasional horror movie myself, but to imply that you are immune to being desensitized to human suffering through such mediums is a dangerous and slippery slope.
I appreciate the macabre and dark as much as anyone, there’s a deep emotional place that it happens to reach that most genre’s can’t… but it has a numbing side as well, and to be numb is in my opinion one of the greatest tragedies of humanity.
I do think jokes such as this facebook page and movies such as those described can create a confused society if not a desensitized and complacent one.
Peace
[Reply]
Mike
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
@Chase Brumfield, I understand all of this, but where does it stop? I mean, do you want to live in a country where you can’t make ANY type of dark, or off-color joke?
I can completely fall in line behind the fact that joking about abusing women is wrong. I’m not an advocate for any type of violence, or abuse. And I completely agree with you about the SAW movies. Same with Hostile and Turistas. The fact that those types of movies are out there are just disturbing.
But, the fact remains that globally you can’t stop people from choosing evil. Make a stand against it sure, but ultimately with the way our political stances are, nothing will ever happen.
[Reply]
Chase Brumfield
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
@Mike,
Well Mike… Do I want to live in a country where I can’t make any dark or off-color jokes? Quite frankly, it depends… is it hurting someone? If so, then the least I can do is try to understand why. Many times understanding where someone else is comming from can be an awakening moment. Obviously the facebook page was hurting some people. Do I believe that anything that offends anyone should be banned, of course not. But I do believe that everyone desreves to be heard and no one deserves to be hurt.
And as for the rest of your post, to me it’s as the late Edward Everett Hale once said…
“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something I can do.”
Peace…
[Reply]
Mike
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 12:00 am
@Chase Brumfield, Well said. Nice to see some intelligent debate on some of these issues. You’ve earned my respect sir. (Not that it’s really that important…but still…)
[Reply]
Chase Brumfield
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 7:24 am
@Mike, Ha ha… respect is always important, and I appreciate it from you kind sir.
And yes yes… great chat. It’s a sticky issue, glad to know there’s still people out there that can have a conversation in a productive way.
Peace…
[Reply]
I just went to facebook and submitted a protest. Now I am going to go back to facebook and notify my sisters, my mom, my nieces and all of my friends.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
@barbara, I’m so glad. Thank you.
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Done!
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I’ve written and re-written this response four times now. Each time, the words seem hollow. My exposition doesn’t seem adequate to express the heartbreak I felt when I read this post.
And no, not about the Facebook page. I’d done my part yesterday afternoon when I heard about it. Reported and all, as tactfully as I could.
I came home from watching Peter Jackson’s “The Lovely Bones” and logged onto Cleavage to make sure the comment changes I implemented didn’t break anything else. I read this post. I sat in my childhood bed in my parents’ home, held onto an old stuffed animal, and cried. I cried for close to thirty minutes.
Only you can reduce little ol’ composed me to a ball of tears and rage: rage for your pain, rage for the pain of all the children and women who have been hurt like that, and rage at the ambivalence of our culture.
I wanted to hop on the next Greyhound to Vancouver, knock on your door, and hug you tightly. Damn it, woman, but I love you so.
[Reply]
Zachary McInchak
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 4:52 pm
@Amanda,
I keep thinking about that little girl who crawled out from under the fence to get away from her home. That’s a kind of desperation that I have not experienced first-hand, and it’s sickening to think about. She must have been too afraid to tell people like the author of this post, and that is probably the biggest shame.
I understand the apprehension, and it’s too bad that so many other people go through that.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
@Zachary McInchak, obviously, I can understand that desperation. I was lucky that my home was a refuge. And, now, as a mother of a three year old and a five year old, I am mystified. I understand the power of sex; I’ve done stupid things; I’ve broken hearts (and had mine broken). But to harm someone – truly, truly physically and emotionally damage them – for sex, and for power boggles my mind. I look at my babies, and I ache for all the little ones out there who don’t have protectors.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
@Amanda, I’m going absolutely hijack this thread and thank you for having nested comments implemented for this discussion. Form and content conspire, and you got this just right, just in time.
Yes, it’s mundane, but the mundane matters.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
@Dave Doolin, I am wildly grateful to Amanda, too. Getting the space right, today,for all these people who need to be heard, really mattered.
[Reply]
Amanda
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 12:50 am
@Kelly Diels, Offering up my own thoughts, for once, was a pleasant treat as well. ILU, lady. Thank you for being you.
[Reply]
Amanda
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 12:49 am
@Dave Doolin, Styling the threaded comments only took a few minutes but it makes all the difference, especially for this topic. The threading existed but the built in styling completely failed. Hooray for hacking the plugin and making it my bitch.
Also, thanks for noticing.
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The page is gone!
It goes in the “fire in a crowded theater” category as far as I´m concerned (You don’t shout fire in a crowded theater unless there is a fire, otherwise you could cause a stampede, that’s the logic). If that FB site had some kind of a point other than Jerry Springeresque dys”fun”ction, maybe then there would be an argument to keep it up.
I have known hookers and had friends who were hookers. I pray for their safety and well-being.
And Kelly… I love you so much right now. You too, Tina.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
@Positive Mitch, thank you Mich.
[Reply]
Excellent post, Kelly. Congratulations on getting that foulness removed from Facebook. Censorship, my ass. There’s a level of basic humanity that needs to be upheld. And you upheld it, and caused a large organization to uphold it, in this small-yet-powerful way. Right on, girl. Well done. Well done.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
@Emma Alvarez Gibson, THANK YOU. “Censorship my ass. There’s a basic humanity that needs to be upheld.” The truth is just that simple, isn’t it? You nailed it.
Facebook didn’t take it down because of me. I’m only one of a large number of super-pissed-off women and feminist bloggers and tweeters who thought, this shall not pass.
I’m so glad we all did our part.
Now the harder stuff, as my friend Arwyn (@RaisingBoychick) tweeted: now how do we get people to actually stop murdering sex workers?
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
@Kelly Diels, granting sex workers the social respect they deserve would be a very good start.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:31 pm
@Dave Doolin, YES.
[Reply]
Powerful story Kelly. Gripping…although I can’t relate exactly, I can in other ways. Thanks for being so honest. I admire that about you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
@Nathan Hangen, thanks so much. I appreciate it.
[Reply]
Nathan Hangen
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
@Kelly Diels,
Oh, and the 0_o is like a raised eyebrow look…you said something about naked.
[Reply]
Thank you so much for writing about this. I endured unspeakable things as a child, and I admire you for giving voice to something so dreadful and taking action against those who promote violence and hatred under the guise of laughter.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
@April, thank you for adding your voice. Yes. You’re right “under the guise of laughter”. We say things in jest that we really mean. I do it all the time. I tease, I joke, but often there is a hard truth I’m trying to sweeten. Excusing things like this page in the name of humour – I’d rather be humourless.
[Reply]
This post blew me away. I am stunned. In awe of your brilliance, your resilience, your heart. And just when I thought your writing couldn’t get any more powerful, I read through the comments above and found this: “When I broke the silence, I put the shame back where it belonged.” That little sentence is where I am right now. Broken, but finally leaving my shame behind forever.
I too reported the Page, and congratulations for finally getting it taken down.
You are a force of nature.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
@Bea, and so are you. so are you. so are you.
[Reply]
kelly! so proud of two things: you’ve inspired amazing action today, and you are brave.
As an abuse survivor myself, I know the power of that moment, the power of “telling”. You are right, after that moment passes, the shame goes to where it belongs, and we get the control back.
Two years after I told my parents, I wrote a letter to my abuser (long dead after a very sad suicide) forgiving him, not forgetting, but letting my heart write the words to help me move onwards. It took me a while to feel that in that moment, I had truly forgiven, and that was when I felt truly free.
Write on brave lady, you rock.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
@cj, I’m not sure I ever “forgave” but I definitely let it go. There’s a lightness there that I treasure.
[Reply]
17,797 fans. What are these people thinking? I don’t even want to look at that page.
The irony, of course, is that this man was the most powerless man of your family.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Facebook just took it down.
[Reply]
Hey Kelly and all
I don’t have anything smart to say, but I wanted to thank you for writing this.
A
x
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
thank you Andrew. I’m glad you said it. I really appreciate it.
[Reply]
This is my first time reading your blog (came here via @kellylivesay). Not having been sexually abused, I confess I’m a bit lost for words – except to say that any kind of violence deserves zero tolerance. I went to report that Facebook page, and it’s been taken down, and there’s still one there at the time of writing this that’s about “killing your hooker” and I’ve reported that one instead.
Love and blessings to you.
Josie
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 10th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
@Josie, thank you so much for joining in, taking action, and telling me you care. It means so much to me.
[Reply]
Kelly: thank you for sharing your story. I will make sure to heed the call. Freedom of speech has limitations: especially when people are advocating violence. I remember telling my mother this year again about my childhood sexual abuse. It had happened to her as a child as well. Her response (God love her) was: what can you do about it now? If you tell your Aunt, she’ll be crushed. If you tell your brother, it will start a feud. I didn’t care. It was MY story to tell. As survivors of childhood abuse, we have to say NO MORE. I will not suffer in silence at family functions to spare someone else the pain of my truth.
This is off topic, but I couldn’t help but think of the Michael Jackson controversy. The warning signs. The alarm bells. I pray that if there are victims out there, they will find peace and understand that regardless of the musical legacy, fame or fortune, we must say NO MORE. Our personal truths are more important than someone’s reputation or the world’s comfort.
I wish you profound peace.
Tiffany
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
@Tiffany Thompson, I hear that. I hear that! YES! It is so simple, and true, and fucking ludicrous that it even needs to be said. And yet it does.
[Reply]
This is a never-ending battle–one that we wage primarily with ourselves.
Pulling out of victim consciousness is difficult and always incomplete. We might clear the path for more positive action, but we will never really heal the hurt.
Best,
John
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/Hugs. I am sorry this happened to you. I am glad you turned out to be the person you are. Resilience and optimism are a terrific combination.
[Reply]
[...] Violence. The Dark Side of Sex and Power [...]
You know, as much as it pains me to hear about another girl to have gone through such a thing there’s something good about it, too.
I always knew, not even in the back of my mind, that if I ever decided to just chuck my future and take all sorts of wrong roads, I’d be “excused” because of what my father did to me when I was 8 (for which I put him behind bars for 5 years–not long enough, should have been 10 and then some). I never accepted the idea that my life was less because of what happened to me and I’m glad to see that others also live amazing lives after abuse. Sometimes in spite of, sometimes because of. As much as I would rather _not_ have that in my past, I value it for what it made me.
This week, 25 years ago, was one I spent in a children’s home after reporting a year of abuse to my guidance counselor after a classroom “stranger danger”-type presentation.
Good for you (and the others who have come forward in the comments) for taking your life back and realizing a secret like that is never one to keep.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
@Scraps, thank you so much for adding your voice – the voice of experience – here. I truly appreciate it.
And this – “a secret like that is never one to keep” – is the truth.
[Reply]
I’m appalled by your story about your co-teacher…
You wrote, “My pedophile radar was signaling.
I went to the school administrator directly, after lunch, but what could I say? That guy creeps me out? I don’t think you should let him around kids? Based on what? You can’t make those kinds of accusations without some evidence.
Instead I said that I didn’t want to work with him and insisted they pair me with someone else.”
Your intuition told you that this man was a potential predator, which he indeed turned out to be, and he needed to be watched. Admitting that gives you some responsibility to prevent the victimization of another person as best you could, if not by staying involved yourself and watching out for the children in his care, then by telling someone else, thereby relieving yourself of the responsibility in some way, however small.
Your mention of being the protector of your family (realistically, just a scared little girl) and your experience in Taiwan read more like that of a victim, not a “survivor”. I in no way, mean to diminish the pain you have suffered by the abuse imposed on you but you should know better than most what this man’s victims had in store for them. I wonder how much you have recovered and broken the cycle of abuse in your own life.
I was surprised by the number of comments you received calling you brave, at first. Now I do see you as a brave person for sharing this story containing your huge cowardice and lack of remorse and responsibility in the matter.
It is put lightly to say that I’m irked that you’re irked over the fact that nothing was done to him aside from changing the location of his access to victims. You could have done something that would possibly have prevented abuse and did nothing—What’s the harm in trying?! Your story certainly illustrates what harm can come from not trying.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on February 11th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
@REBECCA,
you wrote about my “lack of remorse and responsibility in the matter”
I wrote this:
“It is a rape culture, a culture that requires denial, and one that tells us to ignore our instincts so we aren’t moved to action.
Just like I did in Taiwan.”
Nine years ago, I silenced my instincts. It was a giant mistake and a little girl paid for it. I don’t have the right adjectives for the guilt I carry for that.
[Reply]
[...] Link: Girl Power rulez. [...]
I knew there was a reason I loved the way you write, besides the fact that you are really good at it! when I was a wee one, too early to even talk my Dad did the unthinkable to me ( cue the rebellious years, the punk rock, tattoos and booze) nine years of therapy and a lot of compassion allows me to talk about it now. This last couple of years I have been having sex and discovering that I am a sexual being AND NOT FEELING GUILTY for it. Then I found you, and you say all the things I think but so much better. Thank you for telling me that happened to you, and that you survived…you ROCK ~Jennifer
[Reply]
I wish it were as easy to pick out the perpetrators as it is to recognize a molested soul. I can tell you without a doubt from one comment, glance, or body language, a woman who carries that secret, yet as a society, we give alarm-ringing adults the benefit of the doubt. The Gift of Fear, indeed.
[Reply]
[...] somehow thinking that this is strength and not weakness. They kill and hurt other people — usually women — because they have failed to acknowledge their vulnerability and tears.They teach their [...]
I went off to report the Facebook page about “not paying your hooker…” but it seems that it has been taken down.
At one time (I’m ashamed to say – but I was much younger than that now) I would walk on by and not get involved in many things that seemed wrong, but now I will go out of my way to make my voice heard. As we all should do!
But with regards the likes of the teacher in Taiwan, sometimes the best thing anyone can do is to just make sure thye themselves don’t get involved – and take with them anyone else who is prepared to listen.
I’ve just come across your blog and love the variety of topics you cover. This is the first response I have made to one of your posts.
[Reply]
Having spent my boyhood at a boarding school run by catholic priests, I have some perception of what you are talking about.
It must be harder for a woman, because not only is there the degradation I felt, but the absence of honour that a woman’s sexuality deserves.
I rejoice in your ability to express your feelings not just eloquently, but with a degree of compassion that accepts that not all men are to blame.
You do write quite wonderfully well.
[Reply]
[...] topic. Friend Kelly Diels started a massive conversation on violence, sex and power – she spoke up, speaks truth, stays [...]
[...] Violence. The Dark Side of Sex and Power [...]
Decorative Pillows…
[...]Violence. The Dark Side of Sex and Power | Cleavage by Kelly Diels.[...]…
[...] somehow thinking that this is strength and not weakness. They kill and hurt other people — usually women — because they have failed to acknowledge their vulnerability and tears.They teach their [...]