We’re none of us doing this alone.
I’m in the fight this week. Everything is going awfully well and goddamned awful all at the same time. Loudly.
The blog, the business of writing: oh yeahhhhhhh. Spark, meet gasoline. It is one hot sexy bonfire.
But with lots of other projects (and people) I’ve been clinging to a dog-eared map of my previous, well-travelled territory called “This Is NOT Working, But I’ll Try Really Really Hard To Fix It Even Though I Can’t Fix It and It Is Not My Job To Fix It But Damn I Wish I Could Fix It, and You.”
Even though I know that road – well, intimately – I’m terrible with directions. So I’ve ended up in Epiphany-land.
Epiphany: love is showing up.
And key people in my life just aren’t showing up.
(It is not you. Really, it is not. Please rest assured that everyone who has not been showing up has been duly informed of their absence. So if I haven’t bitched you out, we’re good. See? I told you it wasn’t you.)
(And let’s not sugarcoat this: I’m not innocent of this particular crime, either.
Yep, there are places and people for whom I am not showing up. That stops now. If I’m not in, I’m out. No pretending or wishing that I’m in when I’m out.)
Anyways. A friend called me in exactly the moment when I was most mad.
And I was mad. Straight up ANGRY about a long list of things and at a very short list of people.
Which meant that I explained in minute, enthusiastic, volcanic detail all three situations that were making me feel angry and helpless.
Mr. Rocksolidwonderful: Don’t worry about all the emotional crap. Just do your thing, focus on your writing and get laid every once in a while.
Moi: That’s the thing: I do need the emotional. Not the emotional crap, but the emotional. The calling every day, the sharing, the career advice, the venting, the cheering each other on.
Mr. Rocksolidwonderful: You’ve got me for that. Call me. Put me on speed dial. I’ll take care of the emotional. You just go find someone for the sex.
This conversation made me think of another friend and another little gesture of love-in-action. My friend Heather gave me a “He’s Just Not That Into You” DVD and scrawled across the front of it “But I am!!!!!”
These are little gestures but they are part of a greater pattern, and that pattern makes me cry a little.
Call me. Look to me. I am here. I adore you. I think you’re the fucking bomb.
That is friendship. That is showing up. That is love.
Who is showing up for you?
Are you showing up, too?
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Good morning miss.
Ok, so I “get” all of this, what you’ve written about. (I AM showing up btw and not everyone does). But here is what I take exception to: “Just do your thing. Focus on your writing and get laid every once in awhile”.
Is getting LAID really what you are longing for? Or is it a rocking, playful, full body soul connection? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Me too.
People don’t get that (and contrary to the myths, it doesn’t seem that easy to “get laid” by someone you might actually want to talk to afterward and servicing yourself doesn’t remotely satisfy).
This might not really but your post was about but there, I’ve said it anyway.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 18th, 2010 at 8:58 am
@Kelly, Yep, exactly. You said it better than me. When I was saying “I DO need the emotional…” I was struggling to articulate exactly what you said:
“Is getting LAID really what you are longing for? Or is it a rocking, playful, full body soul connection? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Me too.”
So thanks for getting it truly, madly, deeply right.
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Arrrgghh. That last line should be “this might not really be what your post was about”.
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I am a man who often feels like this. And it’s weird, because men “aren’t supposed to be like that.”
Well, actually, I would argue that they should be much more like that.
Gotta go now, write more in a little while (getting kicked off a public computer). I will be back!
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Ok, as I was saying,
Being present is sooooo important. I am volunteering right now in a Haitian disaster relief/support center, and I had a talk with one of the chaplains about what it meant for people who do not share the religion of those who are coming in to relate to them. To be able to say, “I may not share your religious outlook, but I stand with you in faith and spirit,” when somebody has lost so much.
Even talking to this chaplain was amazing… she looked at me with a desire to be fully there. I did not stay long, and we went about our business… but I think I could have hugged her for hours and loved every moment of it. I wish I had hugged her even for a few seconds, her energy was so healing and beautiful.
I feel like, so often, when people are jonesing to be laid or to have a significant other, what they really want is some assurance that this kind of love, this presentness of soul and spirit, will be there. Thing is, once you understand that, you don’t feel the aching need a significant other/to get laid in the same way, though you may still very much desire those things generally.
I wish more of us knew how to love. I wish more of us knew what love really is, and that it’s all around us–and moreover, the maturity to distinguish when it is and isn’t ok to share certain kinds of love. Then, when it is ok, we could let go so much more surely and completely, and heal so much better and faster.
I like this blog. I found you through your ProBlogger guest posts, which will probably inspire me to guest post somewhere also. I wish you well.
[Reply]
Kelly
replied:
on January 18th, 2010 at 10:14 am
MPositive,
Wow. Moved to tears. “I wish more of us knew how to love.”. True. It is an evolution. I am Kelly v4.2, the new and improved. It takes time and a certain spirit.
Looking forward to checking out your blog when I am home.
K.
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I don’t know about you, Kelly, but I know when this started happening to me a couple of weeks ago, it was a little disconcerting. Those people I thought would absolutely, positively, thru hell or high water, be there for me aren’t showing up, knocking the wind out of me, but people I never expected are there. I’m looking at this (at least trying to) as some version of “ask and the universe responds” kind of thing. I’m guessing the “others” are attached to an old version of me that is quickly, slowly evaporating…
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Yep. And I get SO ANGRY when people don’t show up for me, too. But I don’t go to them and ask them, necessarily, to be there. So as you blogged a while ago, need to work on asking for what I want. But I agree with you: sometimes you just show up. Even if you don’t know what to say or do. You just do.
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It’s tough. You can’t control what other people do. All you can do is your best.
We want guarantees. Hopefully, a good friendship would give us a guarantee that someone would show up. But nothing is completely guaranteed.
Not even your next heartbeat.
What you referred to in your 6am epiphany post points the way forward. Sometimes, there’s no flow to go with–you’ve got to make it. That’s one of the crucial reasons I write my blog.
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Save a little bit of that emotion for channeling into production. Anger, especially, is *rocket fuel* for getting stuff done.
But yeah, it’s nice to have someone willing to be a rsnt bucket once in a while. The Big X and I use each other this way, and it’s good. Helps us both out:
Me/Her: Rant rant rant.
Her/Me: Are you finished yet?
Both: Burst out laughing.
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Showing up. So much of life comes down to these two little lonely words. So many things can go right, the stars can do their little jig and align, but what matters is that the people we need show up. This post is feisty and fabulous and I am beyond exhausted, but still pumped and nodding.
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Those times when people we love ~ or need ~ don’t show up for us are about the toughest times we can grow through. (“Grow” was a typo, but it made an awful lot of sense so I left it. I was going to write “go through”.) They’re incredibly lonely periods, and anger has a massive role to play.
Hard as it may be, some of those people who suddenly aren’t there for us really need to go from our lives because they were never really there, if you know what I mean. And for the ones who truly matter, who we don’t want to lose — well, I had to do some intense soul searching during those times when it happened to me and ~ like it or not ~ discover where I had failed them.
Love is not sex; sex is not love. Finally being able to separate them is one of the toughest things for many of us to do. The romantic ideal is to find that soulmate that will supply ALL our needs. Impossible! For a while, maybe they can. But it’s hard to find a person that will fill that role for a lifetime. They’d have to be perfect, and who is?
Your friend Heather sounds fantastic. Isn’t it great to have someone who loves you unconditionally?
cj
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I have had this showing up epiphany recently. Unfortunately, it did not turn out the way I hoped but turned out the way it should, I guess. I showed up and knew what I wanted, thought that person would always be there and BAM! He is no longer around. Maybe he and I will become friends again but I am not waiting for that to happen. I am living my life.
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Kelly,
Once again you’ve managed to wonderfully personalize a core human issue.
One of the unique characteristics of human beings is our absolute need for connection and community. Intimacy and attachment are so absolutely critical to our well being.
Show up AND stand up and be counted. Thanks for articulating it in such a visceral and valuable fashion!
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Good for you for carrying on when who you thought sould or could or needed to be there was not and better for you for keeping your eyes and heart wide open to receive those who did.
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As always, Kelly, an amazing post…and great comments that clearly have people thinking/being/showing up!
Here’s my take: if I believe (and I do) that love shows up then I don’t have to make it happen. I can trust that when I am showing up, what I want/deserve will, as well. I’m done working so hard, trying so hard, manipulating, cajoling, seducing (though the last one still has its benefits in the right context). Love shows up. Love is showing up. Love will show up.
And I will show up – 100% me – and then watch with amazement what happens. Not a perfect formula. There’s still that whole “human element” thing, but a better stance than my oh-so-familiar pattern of “This Is NOT Working, But I’ll Try Really Really Hard To Fix It Even Though I Can’t Fix It and It Is Not My Job To Fix It But Damn I Wish I Could Fix It, and You.” I’m with you. I’m showing up for you…just as you continue to show up for me.
Love that!
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You, I read this and thought “Damn, I need to go see my mom … and attend some of my friends’ events … and just be altogether more present.” There are SO many things going on in life that we humans have an odd habit of allowing them to take precedent over what really matter.
Thanks, Kelly, for kicking me in the ass and reminding me of this. I’m on a mission to be more loving and available to the people that matter in my life (and demand that folks are there for me as well!).
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I’m pretty damn sure we are living parallel lives. Weird and cool and I’m so glad to read you!
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Showing up is the best way to put actively participating in your life. I’m just learning how to show up for myself so I can be a little more mindful of showing up for others – thank you my friend.
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Like others have said, I so get this. When I launched the blog for my project and realized that none of the friends who encouraged me to write were going to bother to read my writing, I had a decision to make. I could either let the fact that they weren’t going to show up for this part ruin long standing relationships or I could go out and make new relationships with people interested in being involved in this part of my life. Sure, I was angry in the beginning but once I adjusted my expectations, that dissipated. In the end, I now have new people who have my writing back and I didn’t lose a bunch of old relationships in the process. Hang in there. People have your back, the right ones will show up at the right moments.
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