Yesterday, I wrote a post at ProBlogger that included advice to guest post.
In the spirit of contrariness (except it isn’t really contrariness, I’ve got actual reasons and I’ll explain them in another post) I’d like to make an announcement: there will be no more guest posts on this blog.
After this one, that is.
Dave Doolin gives grrrrrrreat e-mail and he comments here like it is his job. That’s not how he makes money, though. For that, he has a site called Website in a Weekend, where he teaches you how to yes, start a website in a weekend using WordPress. Then he very helpfully blogs about how to maintain and improve and grow said website.
And you know what I like about Dave’s stuff? It is long. It is useful. It is quality. It is fun.
Kinda like this piece he wrote for me. Here it is.
How to be Needy Without Being Needy
guest post by Dave Doolin
“Don’t be needy.”
That’s like the first thing out of anyone’s mouth when dispensing dating advice.
Well, excuse me, but no man is an island. And no woman is an island either.
Fact: humans are social animals.
We evolved to be around other human animals. This is indisputable. Or rather, dispute it if you like, but it’s still a fact. Might as well dispute gravity.
Consider: each of us depend on an enormous number of other people, all doing their part to ensure food lands on our table, water doesn’t come in when it rains, and we aren’t consumed by predators of two and four legs.
We depend on other people to reciprocate our time and energy with money, or, our money with their time and energy.
We need other people in our lives, whether we know these other people, or not.
And it doesn’t stop there.
We also need to be surrounded by a group of people we know, who are emotionally supportive, and with whom we are intimate. Smaller groups for those preferring more solitude; larger groups for those preferring less solitude. Humans are emotionally flexible, spanning the range between hermits and politicians, but our need for human interaction remains.
This need for social and emotional interaction (is there a difference?) truly is universal.
So, given we need human social interaction, what does it mean, “Don’t be needy.”
That’s a very good question, and I have a very good answer.
(Not saying my answer is correct, for any values of correct, just that it’s a very good answer.)
Here’s what “Don’t be needy” really means…
Don’t construct your emotional identity around the opinion of someone who doesn’t want you.
This means:
1. If you can’t get a date, don’t date. Practice being social instead. That means go hang out with members of the sex you’re attracted to. (I have TONS to say about attraction, now is not the time or place). And I mean practice in the sense of “acquiring mastery.” Where the means are the ends.
2. If you’re in a romantic relationship and have feelings of insecurity and desperation – i.e., neediness, do not vent these feelings on your partner. Ladies, go talk to your girlfriends – or gay friends – when you’re feeling overly needy. Gents, go shoot some pool with the boys or something. At least until…
3. You have a rock-solid relationship, just tell your partner straight up “I’m feeling needy.” How he or she handles this will tell you volumes about them.
4. If your client treats you like a tool, fire that client. It’s not worth it and they will cost you big later.
How to tell if you’re being needy in a bad way.
THE classic indicator: “There’s this one special girl/boy.”
Special. Sure. 6 billion people on the planet, and among your tiny, little social non-circle, you can only achieve happiness as a result of someone else being who you want them to be. Not gonna happen. And you know, you wouldn’t respect them if they did.
Another indicator: “If he/she would only do this/that, then I would be happy.” Ridiculous! The only person responsible for your happiness is you.
And then there’s Kelly.
Let’s talk about Kelly, Miss Needy herself.
Kelly requires large amount of social interaction. She needs it. It’s part of who she is, a fundamental component of her emotional identity. (It might be part of your emotional identity, too.)
But she doesn’t latch on to any one person. Instead, she builds a community of people who can give her emotionally significant interaction, and for whom she can reciprocate.
And that’s the crux of it, because…
…neediness isn’t just about taking… it’s also about giving.
Some of us have an almost pathological requirement to give. We need to give. The problem comes when giving to people who don’t want our gifts.
Our challenge is building a community who will freely – and graciously – accept our gifts.
And this is what Kelly is doing.
I’m doing it too. Wanna learn how to blog? I’d love to give you a little help. You can give me a recommendation, or a testimonial, or even money (my landlord will thank you), but if not, that’s cool, I’ll help you anyway if I have time. Just don’t make the mistake of taking me for granted. Not ever. I have this rule: 1 strike and you’re out.
———————
you can find Dave Doolin at Website In a Weekend. He knows WordPress. If you want to know WordPress and how to blog mo’ better, you want to know him. Also, he’s a mad flirt.
___________________________________
want more Cleavage? Regularly? Subscribe with your e-mail address below and I’m yours (in a virtual and direct-to-your-inbox kind of way):
and just so you know, I like it when you follow me on Twitter. I’m@KellyDiels.
Great Post Dave… I’ve been through my supposed needy times, or at least that’s what one girl told me. I quickly dismissed it, got on my knees and begged her not to leave. so yeah, I think everybody is needy.
I need air, I need water, food, companionship of some sort, fast cars and wild rides. It would be inhuman to not “need”.
As for the girl who said I was needy… Turned out we were perfect for each other and have been married for nearly a year.
Great post dude…
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on January 14th, 2010 at 6:03 pm
@Jason @ forty2fifty.com, Awesome!
Success stories never seem to get as much press as the spectacular flameouts. Human nature I suppose. Too bad. Maybe with more success stories for models, all of our relationships would be better.
[Reply]
I like this guy.
[Reply]
You always remember the last one best.
Thanks Kelly!
[Reply]
Dave, you rock, great advice on so many topics, my blog would not be the same without you. I love your prose man.
[Reply]
Wow! I got to “Some of us have an almost pathological requirement to give. We need to give. The problem comes when giving to people who don’t want our gifts.” and just stopped. I stopped. This is so what I needed to hear. Thanks Dave and I am passing your web site onto a friend who is having WordPress issues.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on January 14th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
@Nicki, thanks. The role of giving is often misunderstood. I don’t have any idea what the evo psych is behind the drive, but there must be something.
[Reply]
MPositive
replied:
on January 18th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
@Dave Doolin, the evolutionary psychology behind the drive is that if you are able to contribute, you will be considered important. Your presence will be desired… and then maybe you will be loved.
And it’s true, giving is important–but when it becomes compulsive, it reverses, and the receiver actually becomes forced to “give the giver the opportunity to give.” In this case, the giver is often unwittingly taking, because the receiver will not truly value what has been given as a gift.
These things are very dialectical
[Reply]
Interesting point on taking responsibility for your own neediness.
re: “Some of us have an almost pathological requirement to give…” — I have also experienced situations in which some individuals were not comfortable accepting help until I had asked them to help *me* on some task. This “indebtedness” allowed/enabled them to feel comfortable asking for help on their tasks.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on January 14th, 2010 at 6:50 pm
@Bruce Nunnally, asking is a very good idea.
What I’m doing these days is setting out “hurdles” for people to clear. It’s fire and forget for me.
Example:
Her: “I want a web site, but I don’t know what to do!”
Me: “Get a gmail.com account and WordPress.com account.”
And that’s it. No more help until that’s done.
It’s excellent advice, practically necessary.
For me, it’s fire and forget.
We’ll take the next step after those two tasks are handled. Or not.
[Reply]
Bruce Nunnally
replied:
on January 14th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
@Dave Doolin, Oh I absolutely agree. Often in this way you find out what the Requester actually wanted was something completely different from their initial question. So while you have pointed them to the right path you have not invested more time helping them than their initial question merited. Now when people ask me questions I try to respond just with the first step or two, or first layer of difficulty, then stand by with more info if requested. Very good point.
[Reply]
Dave, Your post was right on the mark and I needed to be reminded of this today. I guess you could say I was feeling needy today and I’m normally not a needy person. I completely agree with your statement, “The only person responsible for your happiness is you”, but sometimes we get overwhelmed helping everyone else, we forget about taking care of our own needs. By the way, do you have ESP because I’ve been thinking about this all day….:)
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on January 15th, 2010 at 1:52 am
@Sheree, as a matter of fact… I can, occasionally, read minds.
Truth is, we’re all a bit needy once in a while. It’s normal. How we handle it is everything.
[Reply]
@Dave
Do you know David DeAngelo? A lot of what you were saying was leaning on what he talks about. Not that he’s a founder of “creating attraction” and “being needy” or anything but nevertheless as someone who is more public and fairly traveled on the internet I figured I would ask.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on January 16th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
@Anthony Licari DeAngelo really gets a lot of it right. It turns out there’s a lot of commonality in all relationships, romantic or otherwise.
[Reply]
@Dave
I totally agree with you on how we handle it is everything. It reminds me of this saying, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” by Charles Swindoll.
[Reply]
Lovely writing Dave. Fabbooooo!
[Reply]
Hey, Dave, great post! (and, yes, I’ll be reading how to make that website in a weekend very soon, thank you for making that possible). While I couldn’t quite get myself to say “I’m feeling needy” I did ask my DH for a hug, and he was happy to oblige. I truly am a lucky girl!
Kelly, great idea for the guest post. And he’s totally right. You’re creating something wonderful here – community, intimacy, friendship, a place for the needy to be welcomed. Thank you!
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
[Reply]
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this post. I just re-read it.
“Just don’t make the mistake of taking me for granted. Not ever. I have this rule: 1 strike and you’re out.”
I want to be that secure.
Dave, you rock.
[Reply]
This seriously speaks to me. I’m all over the “one strike you’re out”. I struggle with defining strikes. I think I’m too sensitive, so I question my reactions and judgment, and probably end up putting up with what others might not accept. I wonder … Am I too picky? Should I be more tolerant? In the end, if it feels bad in my gut, I think I should walk away. But what if ….
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on May 4th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
@Jesse, it depends on how you define “strike.”
For me, it’s harming my material interests, that is, interfering with how I put food on my table, pay the rent, etc. The rest of it doesn’t matter all that much.
[Reply]
Since an accident left me paralyzed from the neck down, people automatically – and ignorantly – assume that I am needy. Generally, society views disabled (I detest that word) people as “needy” and vulnerable.
Although that may be true for some, I consider myself to be a spirited, confident, strong, independent woman. I’m not emotionally needy – I have strength of character that could stand up to just about anyone. I may require slightly more physical assistance than most – but I far prefer my care assistants to take care of those needs anyway. Financially I’ve managed so far and I most certainly don’t want to connect with others merely for their money.
I know of many healthy, able-bodied women out there who are far more “needy” – physically, emotionally and financially – than I could ever be. I’m also not any more – or less – vulnerable than anyone else. I have a strong mind and spirit with an incredible verbal independence – albeit quite cheeky at times.
Some could argue that the mere fact that I cannot simply get up and walk away automatically puts me at risk and makes me more vulnerable – despite having a battery-powered, chin-controlled wheelchair. But then statistics have shown that if a guy does not respond to the word “No” then no amount of athleticism will change his intentions. Generally, society does not like to associate themselves – particularly not romantically – with people who do not appear physically whole. Ironically, I consider myself to be a far more whole person now than what I ever was.
You are so right. Everybody is needy at times – some more than others. That makes them – and me – real and human.
[Reply]