I think it may be clear that – generally speaking and on a regular basis – I love myself the menfolk.
You know how the New Year brings on the urge to rid your home and closets of clutter?
My closets have skeletons. Mostly male. And mostly live. I just like to keep them around.
At any given time, I have new men in line a-waitin’ an audition while the ex’s wait for a call-back.
This isn’t a “ooh I’m so hot, I can get any man I want”, because that is just not true.
Please trust and believe that my ass is way fatter than yours (and I’m wildly okay with that most of the time) and so my admission of more-men-than-I-can handle isn’t a competition or a challenge to be The Hottest of Women Alive because I WILL NEVER EVER WIN at that game.
No, it is way worse than that.
I think I may be a collector. It is a morbid hobby and it consumes most of my available mental closet space.
So my cleaning of closets started last year.
It started in the fall, when That Very Bad Lying Man from the summer came back around and professed to having made mistakes and wanting me back.
There were insincere speeches. There were insincere calls. The last insincere telephone call went like this:
Very Bad Lying Man: Hi. I love you.
moi: Oh Very Bad Lying Man, you do not. Stop this. All of it.
Very Bad Lying Man: Are you sure you want me to do that?
moi: YES.
Very Bad Lying Man: [hangs up. stops calling]
moi: [RELIEF]
And that felt so good. It felt good to just relent and admit to myself that although the words were pretty – of course they were, they were scripted and rehearsed – the person professing them was not.
It felt good to just be calm and decisive and honest and walk away.
So I was DONE with That Situation months before That December Phone Call from another woman.
When I heard that the Very Bad Lying Man was married, and a fraudster, I was not traumatized. In fact, I was a little relieved. All my suspicions were confirmed, I am not crazy, and what’s more, I called “rain!” long before he was finished the game. I decided this is not good enough and said no more.
That was good. So good that I’m compelled to repeat myself.
Still, I wrote about it and I think it appeared as though I was upset and in a deep, dark place.
I wasn’t.
I marvelled, though, at the chaos the Very Bad Lying Man sowed in so many lives. I even marvelled at how impoverished his own interior and emotional life must be to make him so hungry to rob other people – of their bank and of their butterflies.
But for me: no grief. No anger. Instead, confirmation.
Intuition, standards and judgement: briefly on hiatus, but firmly back in play.
So, with that loop being closed in the most surprisingly unsurprising of ways, other strings started knotting or unravelling, too.
There was a man with whom I had an ongoing, months-long flirtation. He kept asking me out. I kept saying no – but not because of anything to do with him, but because of timing, babysitters, the waiting list, etc. Still, I really was interested. He’s smart, and there was definitely a shiver of electricity between us.
Then, last month, I was excited about a piece I was writing, that really meant something to me. It was about sex. It was wildly enthusiastic.
I told him about it. It went like this:
Mr. Potential: How are you?
moi: I’m in freaking heaven. White wine, chocolate, writing about porn, sex, and love as an ashram. Go ahead. Try and top that.
Mr. Potential: Nice. Love as an ashram?
moi: Yes. I’m being poetic and extravagant. Love is an ashram.
Mr. Potential: It’s a nice conceit but…[rolls eyes]
moi: Is that at me? What was that about?
Mr. Potential: You’re fooling around with a conceit and academic theory when what you’re really talking about are human emotions and wants and needs.. and it is not just you… a whole body of literature does it.
moi: Sweetie, it is called a metaphor. It is a useful tool for thinking and exploring concepts.
Mr. Potential: I know.
moi: Why is that so exasperating?
Mr. Potential: Because it doesn’t get at the heart of the matter.
moi: You haven’t read the piece. You don’t know if it does or does not. But please, do tell me what is the heart of the matter is, in your opinion.
Mr. Potential: I suspect that you’re not laying out your real emotions and feelings about it. Your conflicts. Your real sense of who you are. Your shame.
(my shame. my shame? MY SHAME?
Please, man-who-wants-to-sex-me-but-has-given-up-and-therefore-no-longer-needs-to-maintain-the-facade-of-friendship – or even RESPECT – feel free to prescribe my sexuality to me.
Go ahead and tell me when and where and of what I should be ashamed. Because I am sadly remiss in that area, that’s for damn sure.)
(also, importantly: “Not having sex with you” does not equal “Ashamed”.)
Condescending. Patronizing. Malicious. Astonishing.
This – unlike the predictable betrayal by Very Bad Lying Man – was a surprise attack and and it wounded me.
What was it all about?
I knew you’d want to know, Dear Reader, so I asked him, directly.
moi: You know what is kind of disconcerting? When we started talking, I was bubbling over with positivity and inspiration. What was so irritating about that, that you needed to rub the shine right off my lamp?
Mr. No-Longer-Has-Any-Potential: You interest me but you won’t even have a drink with me so I’ve given up on that notion. Now when I talk to you, it’s more like a cat batting a toy. If I thought you were genuinely interested in me…… I would take your words more to heart.
I swear that I am not making this up.
I read somewhere – but can’t remember where, so if it was your blog, say hey! – that if you want to see what someone is really like, don’t give them something they want, and see what happens.
Now, normally, I would disagree with that experiment and that approach to interpersonal relationships. I do not explicitly, intentionally test people. I think it is manipulative.
But maybe I should back that thought right up, because that test, even if accidentally implemented, works.
I didn’t go out with this guy on his timetable and he got impatient with me…and then couldn’t be bothered to keep up the nice guy routine.
Telling.
So yeah, I’ve started being even more direct than usual – and asking, be still my heart, for exactly what I want and need – and as a result, I’m purging my life and my closets of extraneous men. I will no longer be the female Bluebeard of suburban Vancouver.
If I keep cleaning the live skeletons from my closets I may even end up with enough storage space for my shoes.
2010 is looking gooooood. And tidy.
___________________
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i found the entire internet dating experience very very healthy for getting rid of my man-skeletons. dating lots of different men, on my terms (no we won’t be having a drink on the first date because after 2 wines i makes stupid choices) was a revelation. i learnt discretion. and the art of saying no.
instead of finding someone that liked me and working really REALLY hard to make that work, i just stopping trying.
and when i met the him that had the potential, he was consistent from the start, and two years later all of his stuff is in my wardrobe.
as you so eloquently stated in your last post: when you know, you know.
the thing that worked for me: being the flame, not the moth.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 10th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
@sas, “being the flame, not the moth”. That there is a fine bit o’ poetry, my friend.
[Reply]
Dave Doolin
replied:
on March 3rd, 2010 at 9:51 pm
@Kelly Diels, ping.
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Oh, I needed to hear this, right now and badly.
You are so brave, Kelly – I wish I could wrap your candor and self-esteem around myself and wear it like armor into the battle.
Thank you.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 9th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
@Lindsey, it is very patchy armour, to be sure. But I think the ability to be vulnerable and truthful IS strength. And Lindsey, I read you every day, and that is YOU.
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Wow, what you say only matters if there’s the possibility of nookie?
*blink*
Sometimes I wonder if I can even write believable characters, when real folks throw me for a loop like this.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 8th, 2010 at 7:04 am
@Tami, I was thrown for a loop for days about that…
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I think it is such a freeing experience to get rid of all the toxic people in your life. I just wrote a post for deleting toxic friends out of your life and I think the same rings true for deleting toxic sex peeps as well. Having people in your life that just brings you down or causes unnecessary drama are not worth it in my book. I feel like my time and energy is best served on people who deserve it. I stopped wasting my time with toxic people years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did.
And so true about keeping something from someone to see their true colors. I have seen that many times!!! Even with my own hubby at times….but I tell him now to get over it. But I see it a lot with my single sister. Guys are awesome and “the one” until she has sex with them and then it is a whole new ball game. I always tell her to hold out. Sometimes she listens sometimes she doesn’t.
Ok I will stop here because I swear I can write a book on this. Great post and I enjoy reading your blog. Found you from you guest post on problogger.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 9th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
@This Mama Works It!, I hear ya. It occurred to me that the abundance of menfolk in my life is not a testament to my awesomeness so much as an indication that the bar has been set way too low.
And yet. I’m wary of the ‘hold out’ thing. It makes sex into a tit-for-tat kind of thing; a cookie to be dispensed upon satisfactory behaviour; and implies that only one person in this pact benefits from hot sex.
My theory, for myself: if I want to have sex, and I can handle the consequences – whatever they may be – then I do. I don’t worry about his agenda, or anyone elses.
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Your post is timely in my life. I am cleaning out the closet of my life and the closet in my bedroom. I don’t recommend doing both at the same time but do recommend doing both.
Thank you for your words and I will join Lindsey in hopes that I can wear your strength and candor as I progress.
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Reading this post, I paused at Mr. Potentials comment about ‘your shame’ to take a bite of my almond butter covered whole grain bread and thought, ‘gee, I hope she sees that he’s being kind of a douche’ and you delivered on my hopes. I’m really in awe of you that you did directly ask him and then realized he IS being a jerk AND that you didn’t let your ego get in the way by allowing him to be this way just so you could feel wanted again (which is what I would have done…THE SHAME).
My point is, Kelly Diels, you rock! Love is an ashram.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 10th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
@SaritaPagita, thank you so much.
“you didn’t let your ego get in the way by allowing him to be this way just so you could feel wanted again”
oh. Really, really well-said, Sarita.
That sounds suspiciously like maturity. Maybe I’m getting some.
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sounds like Mr. Potential let his ego get bruised all to hell. must have his self-esteem planted in all the wrong places (not in himself). have good pancakes! (twitter reference) I like mine with peanut butter and honey, or agave. mmm…hungry now.
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I have been doing a similar thing as Mr. Potential, recently, with my wife. Not in the area of sex, but because as I have been going through a lot of changes recently, trying to grow…hence, conscious me…I have also tried to help her grow in areas that she has struggled a lot and wants help with. Sounds noble, eh? Well, hold on to that thought. I realized at some point, maybe because my wife pointed it out over and over again (God bless her for her patience) that I was lecturing her and not connecting. I would try to help, and it would end up hurting her.
I had my own problem. I was basing a lot of my self-esteem (for several years now) on my ability to help her when she’s upset or sick. If she didn’t respond positively to my help, I got defensive and angry. I was being a child who needed her approval to feel good about himself. When it didn’t happen that way, I took it out on her and we would argue. The last thing she needed when she was upset.
So, I’m sorry you experienced an attack like that. I know from experience (as does my wife) how hurtful that can be.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 10th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
@Carlos Velez, it WAS pretty shocking, but also a bit amusing.
I think, generally speaking, that unless you’re Cold Play, “I will try…to fix you” is a dangerous and disappointing road.
[Reply]
You’re all over the place on this one Kelly
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 10th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
@Adam T Glass, my darling. Fighting words. I haven’t finished writing about you and your business and your strongman stuff, yet. Are you sure you want to anger the bear before the bear writes about you?
just jokin’. I have wonderful things to say about you, soon.
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Although I am naturally drawn to explaining what your date meant, I agree with you. The best response to “I’m in Heaven…” is NOT “one of your metaphors is a conceit and you are not writing in an honest manner”. As a rule, telling someone that they are doing their profession wrong is never a good opening, middle, or closing gambit for a fun evening.
The coaching I get from my Wife is that if she asks for advice then by all means share; otherwise the correct input is to be openly supportive on all matters.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 10th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
@Bruce Nunnally, yes. exactly.
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so just tell me one thing: how’d you wind up with the nosebleed instead of mr.-no-longer-has-a-shot-in-hell-not-that-he-ever-did-anyway-but-now-for-sure-he-doesn’t-and-jeanne-says-yay-about-that?
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Kelly. I read. I like (sometimes love). I usually don’t know what to say.
Just wanted you to know.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
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Drama drama drama!
@carlos – most women don’t really want what we men would call “solutions” to their “problems.”
Instead, they wish to enjoy wonderful, powerful emotions.
When you understand this principle, you will be much better able to appreciate the feminine energy your wife brings to your relationship.
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@This Mama – “Not holding out” for sex is the universal excuse for why relationships go bad.
And it’s always the woman who should have held off; the man is assumed to want it immediately. Rather sexist thinking in my book, misandry.
Frankly, men give away sex far too easily…
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 10th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
@Dave Doolin, Really? Really??? REALLY?????
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Kelly, you’re an awesome woman.
I know your Very Bad Lying Man and he has duped many a smart, sweet, loving, kind, and generous woman. It is HIS bad, not yours nor mine. He is pitiful. He is a bottom feeder. He can never have a free, beautiful spirit. He is stained; a stain that cannot come clean. He must know this. He must know.
I believed his lies, you believed his lies, but this does not make us fools. We remain wholesome women. I’ll leave you with the wise words of George Bernard Shaw, “The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.”
At least I can still believe… and so can you!
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@EV (nee KD) Yep, yep, and… wait for it… yep.
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I think you and I may have dated the same men. Does the Bad Man’s name begin with a “D”, end in “imitri?” Let’s compare notes. Thing one: I’m impressed that you saw the writing on the wall with the bad man before it was too late. Not me. I handed over my checkbook and my dignity to the Commanding Douchebag of Satan’s army.
Thing two about the purging. I tried going on a “man diet” once, but it was short-lived. The diet ended with a man whispering in my ear, “is this part of your man diet?”
P.S. I’m infatuated with your writing. It makes me giddy.
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