This is a piece I wrote months and months ago, but it seems sort of appropriate to this week’s discussion (men, women, porn and romance novels – and you must check out this link that Andrew Raimist sent me to a NY Times Essay on female desire).
And what a discussion! I’m inspired by the e-mails and messages and comments to my Pornification piece. Thank you so much for jumping in and making waves with me.
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Romance Novels Tell You What (Straight) Women Want. And It Is a Short List.
Romance novels. I love romance novels. In university I wrote cheeky, explicit essays and honours dissertations on the politics of romance in film and novels and argued that in fact my essays were Important and Political because social attitudes and sexual mores are encoded and engendered in chick-lit. True story.
And it is true. Romance novels account for 32 per cent of adult mass-market paperback sales and Harlequin, the romantic behemoth of the publishing industry, sells roughly 130 million books a year. This tells us something, and that something is this: the formulas of romance novels – and lawd, they are formulaic – are meeting the needs of women who read them. Otherwise they wouldn’t read them and buy them and subscribe to them. Popular is telling.
Romance novels tell you what straight women want, and it is a short list. Here it is:
1. To be desired.
In romance novels, men think women are beautiful, just as they are, flaws and all, and maybe even because of those flaws.
I should probably ask a man if this holds true in reality, but I’m afraid of the answer. Maybe men love and lust for us just the way we are. Maybe women are projecting our own internalized self-hatred and assuming that men hold our bodies to a mythical standard achieved only by winning the genetic lottery or by medicalized mutilation. Or maybe your man has been irreparably scarred by the Playboy he “read” at twelve and pines for a live-action flesh Barbie. I don’t know.
What I do know is that most women have Body Image Issues and so we secretly yearn for our lovers to tell us that all the things we hate about ourselves, and are programmed to hate about ourselves by mainstream media, are in fact beautiful, or endearing, or ordinary, or not a big deal, and please take your clothes off already.
2. To be desired.
In romance novels, men pay attention.
That stoic, seemingly emotionless and inattentive man is actually completely psychically attuned to our heroine and notices every detail of everything she does and memorizes the curve of her nose and the curve of her breasts and the freckles on her shoulders and recites her breakfast menu to himself before he sleeps, if he can sleep, which is unlikely, because he is completely besotted and obsessed and it is borderline stalker-ish except welcome.
Really, really welcome. I’d welcome some of that.
This is miles away from the mundane, overpopulated town called Real Life, where genuinely stoic, emotionless, and inattentive men are studiously ignoring their partners, singing “la la la I can’t hear you” but silently and in their heads, and counting down the minutes until she goes to bed to read romance novels so he can watch YouPorn in peace.
3. To be desired.
In romance novels, men have sex with women, and it is good.
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Simple but true. I think most fights I’ve had with men in relationships can be traced to these. A girlfriend of mine once said “All I want is someone to feed me, fuck me, and bring me flowers….” similar line of thinking.
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Kelly Diels
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on January 7th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
@Caitlin, oh. that is a quote stolen straight from the innermost recesses of my romantic, reptilian brain.
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Oh yes. Well, this is not just for straight women. At all.
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There’s a very popular video game out right now called Dragon Age: Origins. It’s bloody, it’s vicious, it’s complex … and a LOT of women and girls are playing it. This doesn’t surprise me in and of itself (video gaming women are not the great white whale, as some folks think) but what DOES surprise me is the number of them who have fallen in love with a particular NPC. Self included.
In the game, the player character can choose to knock boots with many of the other characters (and there is a bisexual character of both genders, just to make it fair) but more and more, people are making the extra effort for Alastair.
He’s not promiscuous and he holds himself to a high moral standard, which can sometimes be a huge pain in a game where “shut up and kill him” is one of the action options.
But when you engage him in romance, he MAKES YOU FEEL SPECIAL.
And hundreds upon thousands of women swoon for this pixellated hero, knowing that he’s using the same lines on all the other players out there.
I’ve heard it over and over again. He’s so sweet, so funny, so cute, and he MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL.
Love the blog post. Couldn’t agree more.
Now, the follow up question. What about those whose genitals dangle rather than tuck? Is the answer different, or the same?
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Amanda
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on January 7th, 2010 at 10:39 am
@Tami, Oh my dearest Alistair. You pulled the words out of my brain. Thank you for playing Dragon Age. You made my day.
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I just knew I was doing something right in my Sorcerer novels. I felt there was a great distinction between plain “I’ll screw anything with a vagina” and this viewpoint. The ladies in my novels really appreciate being desired — that led, in many cases, to a “relationship” in the usual social sense.
Sometime I’ll get brave and post my ideas on the Factors of Sexual Satisfaction.
Keep up the cleavage! Don’t be so shy.
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Oh yes. I read historical romance novels, erotic romance novels and Harlequin “Blaze” novels. Like you said, they tell me exactly what I to hear. Manly men desiring their woman. Wanting, Needing, and taking her. He’s romantic, sweeps you off your feet and gives you his undivided attention. What more could a girl want?
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These books are like the playboys. They give you want you want and not whats real. Its like the Matrix question, “Would you go back to the dream if the reality sucked?”
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Kelly Diels
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on January 7th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
@ocbenji, yes. yes I would. Is that the wrong answer? I was just looking at Trinity’s catsuit. I can’t remember what the right answer is.
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You know I spend quite a bit of time trying to give my wife more romance novel and less playboy. I love her for who she is and I love the uniquity of her “flaws”. Every “flaw” is uniquely hers and makes her special to me, most things no one else will ever know about. Maybe I should write romance novels, you think women would still buy them if there was a man’s name on the cover or would I need to go with a pseudonym???
PS weve been married 13 years now and have never been happier. It can be done, and no disrepect to anyone who has had a marriage go south.
Justin
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I may not like romance novels or chick-lit but I sure as hell can respect them. They’ve gotta be doing something write to pull in that many numbers. Although… I do sometimes read delicious paranormal books that border on romance. Maybe I do like romance novels. Must contemplate.
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Is being desired the same as being appreciated?
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Kelly Diels
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on January 7th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
@gi, You know what, Gi, I don’t think so, but that’s a dangerously wide thing to say.
(So is stating what women want – but I did it anyway – because there is a scientific saw that says that there is more variation within any given group than there is across groups. Meaning: “men” may have more in common with “women” than women do with women.)
In the NY times piece I linked to, Marta Meana (psych prof at U.Nevada) talks about the desire to be desired as very specific: it is a sense of urgency from your partner, a sense of being craved.
I think that is different than being appreciated. I’m appreciated every day in all kinds of way. Fuck appreciation.
Ok that’s a little excitable. I appreciate being appreciated. But it doesn’t get me off.
Being adored, required, marvelled at, craved: yeah, those things work for me. And I like physical evidence thereof.
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Funny! I wrote about movies and books corrupting our views of life back in 2007. I recently, at a friend’s request, posted a short blurb and link to the original post on my blog. Take a look – http://nickisnook.net/2009/12/30/a-look-at-an-older-entry/
I do think you are right with women want to be desired. I do think romance novels let us think that is okay but I also wonder if they distort what is real and what we can have and cannot have.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 7th, 2010 at 9:57 pm
@Nicki, I’ve been mulling on this same point. I wrote academic (unpublished) pieces rehabilitating romance, for and from a feminist perspective, trying to sidestep this point. I think it can be sidestepped, but it is a conscious dance – and I could be wrong.
Dave Doolin raised the same point in his comment on the pornification piece.
Fairy tales are indoctrinating us. Are they? Yes, they are. Are they debilitating us? Maybe. Probably.
I sense another essay coming on.
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Damn your eye Kelly Diels. Writing Yet Another Compelling Blog Post. I don’t have time to dig into this today!
Ok, the short answer: romance novels are chick porn, straight up. I’ve read enough of them to know: real men aren’t like that. Not all the time. We just aren’t.
We can be that way once in a while. Sometimes it takes effort, sometimes it comes easy. It does come easier with practice. And it needs to worth our while.
From “Pornification post”
@Zooey – I use “porn” in the much larger sense of providing vicarious emotional satisfaction. Like “gear porn,” stuff you want but can’t afford so you go to the outfitters and play with the price tag. Jane Austen never married. Think about that.
@Sarita – Most men I know don’t get Secretary and couldn’t handle it even if they did sort of get it.
@Sheree – Most men I know have absolutely no idea how to take a woman, nor even that it’s possible much less what she lies awake dreaming about… in the dark of the night.
@Kelly – The surprising answer is this: deep down, most well-balanced and emotionally secure men I know aren’t overly concerned with “looks.” But they (we) are intensely aware of whether the women adds positive energy or drains it away. There is, of course, the “sport fishing” issue (men tend to be “catch and release,” but I’m straying).
Insecure men often evaluate women according to what society says is most important: youth and beauty. Insecure women are the same way.
Frankly, most women would be better off if they spent the energy to learn how to budget for a household and cook rather than attempt to lose another 10 lbs.
I’m outta here. Real work to do. *muah*
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Thank you, so true.
This is why we all love Twilight.
Just sayin’
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Oh jeeze how can you just brush on a topic like this?
1. Biologically speaking men and women are looking to pass on their genes. Males are looking for the best genes, both are looking for continuation of the species. Since males are the protectors in our species they look almost explicitly at physical traits. Females look for the same thing but protection takes different forms. It’s normally the dominant male. Long long ago that my have been solely by physical strength and looks but now males can dominate other males and assert power through means such as money, influence and other factors that aren’t dependent on physical characteristics. This is why you will see attractive females with unattractive males but RARELY and I mean rarely will you see an attractive male with an unattractive female.
The short answer is of course females are going to have body image issues, it’s what most males are attracted to and for a lot of them all they need to be attracted to. The reality is, you will be desired as long as you’re the most high status female in his life (or you’ve brainwashed him emotionally ahem*cough* marriage) but if a more desirable female enters his life, he will focus on that. That is our biology and I don’t think I’m saying anything new to anyone here.. only the root of everything we do as a species.
2. This is where it gets interesting because that does exist in real life but it comes at a cost and often a toxic and destructive cost. Men who pay attention to everything, are loving and caring and etc essentially are no longer “men” they’re males physically and emotionally/mentally expressing themselves like females. It sounds good in fantasy land but in reality it rarely ever is like that. Going back to biology this is why nice guys who are everything to a woman can’t understand why a woman would be with Tyrone who treats her like shit when he’s willing to do everything for her and be everything. There’s a reason why nice guys end up in the friend category 99% of the time and why females stick with guys who treat them like shit.
I have successfully accomplished what you desire and many guys have I’m sure. She loves it but it ends up being this emotional whirlwind where nothing exists in the world except the two of you. The problem is, there is a real world out there outside of your love and whenever this has happened to me things get screwed up badly because that type of relationship is deadly and leaves the two unable to cope with reality.
Also YouPorn is for porn noobs, get over to RedTube or PornHub.
3. Sex with me is always good. I thought I heard her object once but sadly I wasn’t paying attention.
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Simply lovely, Kelly. I never thought about it this way, but these are some core basics that make us women – and it’s ok for us not to resist them! Here’s to romance – we need to give it a few more props than we have in the past.
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What an amazingly smart bunch of replies! Love the reply on Dragon Age. Now I want a game system so I can knock boots with a variety of characters.
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Yes. It strikes me that being desired is only a version of being seen, right? Which is what I think PEOPLE want, plain and simple … being seen and judged as attractive, desirable … more of the same.
Excellent.
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WOW, great conversation.
@Dave – When I said I want a man to take me, I mean approaching me (not only in the bedroom) and planting a smoldering kiss on my lips that turns me into putty. Then taking me into his arms and we have some really hot sex right where we stand. But I understand this will not happen all the time. I also know that romance novels are not real. But they give me some great ideas on how I will please my future man (I’m looking).
I believe men want to be desired as much as women. To feel wanted, needed, and appreciated.
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So true. And I agree with Sheree above, that men too want to feel important, loved, and desired. We miss the boat in parenterships when we don’t do this for one another.
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kellydiels
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on January 7th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
@Maven, what you just wrote is the most important thing to come out of this entire discussion.
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@Maven, Sheree & Tami, As a dangler I can say that yes, we do want to feel wanted. More so we want to feel useful, to solve problems and prevent conflict, to protect.
At the same time though, when we see a member of the attractive sex, there’s something primal that grabs us by the back of the brain and says, “Look at that! Fuck it! Now. Hurry.”
It is ever present in our thoughts, never relents and doesn’t descriminate (Werewolf and Vampire fiction are the traditional metaphors). As a result, conscious thought has little room to maneuver within desire’s domain.
@Kelly, Here’s another article on female desire you might find interesting:
http://rulesoptional.com/why-your-girlfriend-wants-to-cheat-on-you/#utm_source=feed&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=feed
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Andrew
replied:
on January 7th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
@Chris, Thanks for linking my post! I see some familiar faces in the comments… cool. Although… since Kelly put “Forget Science” in the title of this post, I did cry a little.
@Kelly “In romance novels, men think women are beautiful, just as they are, flaws and all, and maybe even because of those flaws. I should probably ask a man if this holds true in reality, but I’m afraid of the answer.”
Someone once told me (unless I made it up and forgot) that “chicks dig scars”. In this case, literal scars. As that applies to your question, flaws are totally relative. Oh damn… you tricked me into attempting to explain that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. I should probably stick to the science.
I met a woman a few weeks ago whom I wouldn’t have built in one of those “construct your dream woman” fantasies… and who would not be attractive according to a standardized checklist… She had crooked teeth, kind of a big nose, et cetera. But… my heart rate has increased as the last two sentences forced me to picture her in my mind. And now… I fear I may be developing a “thing” for crooked teeth.
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kellydiels
replied:
on January 7th, 2010 at 11:28 pm
@Andrew, my teeth are very straight. Effing braces. I just never measure up to any GD standard of beauty.
I’m in love with your blog. Just ignore my incendiary title about forgetting science. I love this stuff. Helen Fischer is on my List of Imaginary Boyfriends. True story.
I just signed up on your RSS feed. I hate RSS feeds by the way. I want it in my inbox. I’m still talking about blogs. Really.
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Andrew
replied:
on January 8th, 2010 at 12:30 am
@kellydiels, Awesome! Thank you.
There is an email subscription thingy further down the page. I made it hard to find to induce double entendres.
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kellydiels
replied:
on January 7th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
@Chris, I’m swooning. And, just so you know, that primal thing you spoke of – not the exclusive domain of the danglers.
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all of you: seriously, seriously, HOLY SHIT. this is the best. thank you for being here and being fabulous.
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@Chris
You just described what I truly meant by I want to be taken. “Look at me! Fuck me NOW! Hurry.” You just maneuvered within my desire’s domain.
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Oh dear God. Can you write a post about Mr. Darcy? Or did I just suggest a guest post? Hottest. Man. Ever.
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to be besotted and to besot: bingo.
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@sheree – you got it…
Recall my comment: “You had me at the mashed potatos.”
Reflect a bit on yin and yang.
It’s a human failing that we tend show appreciation (and desire) the way we want appreciation (and desire).
If this sounds elliptical… it is elliptical… let this process a bit, see you what you come up with.
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Wonderful commentary all.
I like to think that I’m not the same as other men, but have a deep suspicion I may be more like them than I would like to admit.
I’m wondering, “Do men want to be desired?”
If so, where’s the evidence (i.e. millions of books and magazines and movies) exploring this them?
PS
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Thanks for mentioning me above. It makes me feel all excited and warm inside. Sort of like someone . . . well, likes me.
]
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You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. – Anonymous
This is one of 75 Quotes I wrote in an article I recently posted on my blog. btw.. it’s a career blog but I’m a straight guy, married 25 years and still a romantic.
http://www.thejobswami.com/2010/01/05/75-quotes-love-marriage-relationships/
Bill
The Job Swami Career Advice Site
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I think “to be desired” is a bit simplistic. After all, many women will say that there’s plenty of desire out there for them, especially from all the wrong people.
I think what is really desired is to be listened to and understood. Plain old desire gets old without some real communication and understanding upon which to build an infinity of other things.
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