When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.
- Eckhart Tolle
Want to change your miserable life? Stop complaining. You will be amazed at what happens next.
In the October 2007 issue of O magazine, Martha Beck wrote a life-changing article about complaining. This article was part of a larger ’Anti-Complain Campaign’ but that unfortunately that campaign completely slipped under my radar, as I only discovered this article many moons later.
I am trying not complain about it.
I was at an awful diner trying to distract myself from an equally awful rice bowl by reading through lunch. The magazine choices were as aged as the defeated lettuce garnishing my side plate.
At hand were antiquated National Geographics or an Oprah that, while outdated, was a relative infant compared to its companions.
It was a tough choice. I am a lover of both Africa and Oprah, but here Oprah triumphed over the beautifully bejeweled Masaai. Thank goodness she did, because if not, I would still be married.
In the article, Martha Beck calls complaining ‘venting’ and says that
“The effect of emotional venting is to sustain an unsatisfactory status quo. Most people think the opposite, that complaining is part of an effort to change an unsatisfying situation. Nope. Complaining lets off pressure so that we neither explode with frustration nor feel compelled to take the often risky steps of openly opposing a difficult person or situation. Keeping emotional pressure tolerably low doesn’t change problematic circumstances but rather perpetuates them.”
So…stop complaining and you will either explode or take action (or both; the first may precede the second).
This truth resonated with me. In the eighties era feminist lingo of my toddler years (ahem), ‘CLICK’. Or, in contemporary Oprah-speak, I had an ‘a-ha moment’.
For eighteen months, I had been incessantly whining, complaining, whingeing, moaning, bemoaning, suffering out loud, shaking my fist at the heavens and raging at the machine over the state of my relationship.
We went back and forth. I begged him to leave. He stayed. I changed my mind. Repeatedly. Nothing changed – which is to say, I did nothing except complain.
Moments after I read this article, I stopped complaining about my relationship. Within six weeks the path was clear and within two months we finally and irrevocably parted ways.
Now, by no means am I suggesting that the end of a relationship is a success story.
My point is that I was in a miserable situation and complaining allowed me stay in it. Complaining allows the steam to escape. When you stop complaining, or as Martha Beck calls it ‘going on a vent-fast’, there is no release. All of that misery builds up until the situation is truly, madly, deeply intolerable and you are forced to take action.
Or explode. The choice is yours.
___________________
want more Cleavage? Regularly? Subscribe with your e-mail address below and I’m yours (in a virtual and direct-to-your-inbox kind of way):
and just so you know, I like it when you follow me on Twitter. I’m @KellyDiels.
This hit the spot this morning. You’re so right.
The people I have known both at work and socially who complained ad nauseum have been the least likely to take an active roll in changing their own situations. Also, another result of their complaining was that it greatly decreased the intimacy of their friendships.
[Reply]
Whining and complaining never gets one anywhere, except more whiny and complain-y. I feel like I whine too much. Thanks for kicking my ass on this one, Kelly. I kinda think I needed it.
[Reply]
Kelly, are you sure you aren’t some Kafkaesque bug on my wall? Because I am reading my life thru your blog. Freaky, and cool. Stopped complaining last summer, imploded, exploded, gained some clarity… Now figuring out what is left and how to delicately, gracefully, change the situation. Nice to know I’m not alone on the journey. Thx:)
[Reply]
YES! Right on!
Complaining entrenches. Soon enough you realize it’s a sewer trench at that.
If it’s a hard thing to let go of, a valuable question might be, what’s the hit, the high, the alteration I get from complaining? Is the hit worth wading in the sewer waiting for the next flush.
So glad you chose the O. Kelly
[Reply]
You (and she) are so right. Complaining is not futile– it’s counterproductive. I believe that this assessment of its consequences is spot on.
Resolved: no more complaining about anything! (Except maybe the weather. I already know I can do nothing about that!)
Stay strong– your inspiration is needed!
[Reply]
I’ve just come back to this post a second time, after recommending it to a friend. I’m chewing thoroughly on this idea of how complaining gives me permission to hold on to the things that aren’t working – an excuse not to thrive; it’s resistance to good things I might deserve. Makes me think a bit of Stephen Pressfield’s book The War of Art where he talks about how professionals don’t let resistance keep them from doing their creative work. Complaining, I think, is simply a form of resistance. I’ve used it a lot in my life, actually. I’m kind of intrigued with the idea of using it less.
[Reply]
Oh. So true. And sometimes when I hear myself complaining, I just want to yell – SHUT UP! PISS OR GET OFF THE POT, WOMAN! This is an extraordinary (and challenging) practice – to stop complaining, to take action to find your pleasure in every moment instead.
My goal for the day.
Thanks for writing, Kelly. Inspired, as always.
[Reply]
Thanks for posting this! I sent it to a friend who is upset with her job and I am often on the receiving end of the complaints
great perspective on complaining.
[Reply]
You should repost this once a week – it’s that powerful. I’m super proud to have been trained by Martha and love that she made a difference in your life, too, Kelly. One of the tools that many of my clients find helpful is the Complaint Free World bracelet – it’s a good concrete reminder – they’re available here: http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/
[Reply]
This is GREAT, and soooo (uncomfortably) true. Gotta love those smacks-upside-the-head…point taken! Love your writing and your topics and your sass. Keep up the good work!
[Reply]
Howdy,
Wasn’t sure of where else to leave a comment. Anyways, not too sure how I stumbled upon your site but I’m glad I did, good read! Cheers
[Reply]
I am going to print this out and put it on the wall. Maybe I will just use it as wallpaper and put it up everywhere. Or I will just get the bracelet that Lianne referred to. That might be a better and less time consuming idea.
I have a massive change that I need to make in my life. And you (and Martha) are right. Complaining about my situation only releases the pressure and allows me to not change.
[Reply]
Love the quote by Tolle and it’s oh so true. I constantly tell my wife that complaining only leads to more complaining; we should either “nip it in the bud” as they say and deal with the situation or accept that it’s not something that can or will be changed and get over it. In life you either piss or get off the pot … can’t have it both ways.
Michael
[Reply]