The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive and unrealistic. – John F. Kennedy
A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted…all leavened by the occasional orgasm. – Dan Savage
Marriage is not a game for the young… Maturity brings—among other things—the ability to sustain and survive enormous contradictions and disappointments. Marriage is—among other things—a study in contradiction and disappointment, and inside that reality there is space for us to truly learn how to love. -Elizabeth Gilbert
___________________________
Here are the things I hear through the shared wall of my townhouse:
- My neighbours got a Wii Fit for Christmas and it sounds like this: thump thump thump thump thump + some sort of repetitive musical refrain. Rinse. Repeat. For hours. I sincerely hope someone is getting skinny.
- My neighbours have spent a little too much time together this week, and they’re both over it. Loudly.
They’re not alone.
January and Divorce and Break-ups, Generally
Today – and every day this month – is momentous and shattering. Today is the day when people return to work, after a week or so of holidaying at home with their families, and file for divorce.
Really.
Google tells me it is common, and if Google says so, you know it is true.
Article after article names January 7, 8 and 12, or just January in general, as the busiest month of the year for divorce lawyers (and long-suffering couples).
In preparation, and in the spirit of Christmas generosity, a law firm in the UK offered discounted “divorce gift certificates” in December.
It makes awful sense to me. Who breaks up right before Christmas? You grit your teeth and you get through it. And then you make a New Year’s resolution, escape to the office a few days later, and make the call.
That’s bald and clinical and unsympathetic. But when I put my heart in it, I think, a lot of us are hurting right now.
So, if this is you, peace be with you. My heart aches for you. Hang in there, my friend.
If this is maybe you - but you’re not really sure of much except that things aren’t what you expected and your wolf isn’t being fed and the scary hairy one has an empty stomach – here’s a little white hot truth from Joseph Campbell by way of Danielle LaPorte:
Marriage is not a love affair,
it’s an ordeal.
It is a religious exercise, a sacrament,
the grace of participating in another life.
If you go into marriage with a program,
you will find that it won’t work.
Successful marriage
is leading innovative lives together,
being open, non-programmed.
It’s a free fall: how you handle each new thing as it comes along.
As a drop of oil on the sea,
you must float,
using intellect and compassion
to ride the waves.
So: hold on.
Or don’t.
Do what you need to do.
Divorce and Break-ups, Specifically (and Personally)
This is my first year of being single since pretty much ever.
(Stealing a great line from Ms. Robinson, woman of experience, here: I’m single, though not all the time.)
So I know. I really know. I’m not in the midst of it, now, but I didn’t get to be a much-vaunted single mama without a catastrophic heart-home-love-and-life smash up.
I was with someone for seven years even though I knew the truth. I knew we weren’t It or Meant To Be, always.
But nothing was wrong. He was (is) a good person and good to me. And so, next step and next step and next step.
I told myself that the things I was looking for, and lacking, I could find other places.
I think, generally, this is a wise strategy, because no one person can be everything to you. You have friends and careers and kids and knitting and online pornography for a reason.
But we couldn’t talk to each other. Yes, we spoke different languages (his five to my one-and-a-half, franglais is sort of a language, right?) but we really spoke different languages.
If I asked him a question that required a yes or a no, he would tell me stories freighted with cultural allusions and fraught with entendres and shadows.
And then I would say/scream, what the *bad word* ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? CAN YOU PICK UP THE MILK OR NOT?
Talking. We talked past each other. Like a kitten with a newly dead mouse, I would bring him my ideas and in the interests of getting me to think harder, better, higher, he’d tell me I needed a rat. He’d advocate the devil to purify my psalms.
Frustrated by the missed connections and fraying vocal cords, I would yell at him which would take him to a terrifying place: in another country, in another world, he was tortured.
My screams – at him – haunt me, still.
In short: we wanted the same things in life (family, children) but not from each other, because we couldn’t know each other. Our words whizzed past each other and whacked into the wall.
So I knew for a long time – always – but I knew, intensely, unrelentingly, in the itchy, painful, transformative, horrific, something’s-gotta-give way, for two years before it gave way.
Eventually you get tired of running and let your monsters catch you. It is pretty much the nightmare you imagined, more so and less so, and you survive.
What I Maybe Know About Love and Loss and What You Probably Do, Too
So I’ve loved and lost and tried again and here’s what I think I know about loving hard, holding on and letting go.
We are all, fundamentally, mysteries to each other. Sometimes we are mysteries to ourselves.
But, I believe, we want to be known. To speak the same language as our loved ones. To be heard. Understood.
It doesn’t matter what The Problem or nest of interrelated, tangled up problems is or are or how trivial it will appear to outside eyes. It doesn’t matter if it is communication incompatibility or sexual incompatibility -
and this is NOT trivial. Dan Savage gets it right when he says this:
in a long-term relationship—or a marriage—one partner’s sexual selfishness and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul. They’re more often grounds for divorce.
- or just plain growing in different directions.
The truth is a beast. Ugly. Big teeth. Relentless. Patient (sometimes). Hungry. It will be fed. Sometime.
If you know, you know.
And all the reasons in the world that are stalling your exit – kids, family, property, social expectations – are just that: stalls.
The biggest stall is the dream. The myth. The internal myth making and myth busting that comes with a marriage bust-up is more dangerous and damaging than anything inflicted on you from the outside.
Myth breaking:
- fairy tales and happily ever after and us, always
- The One
Myth making:
- I can’t commit to anything
- I quit again
- I failed again
- this is all my fault
- I should be stronger. I should just buck up and grit my teeth and get through it
- I will never find another
- I will die alone with cats because that’s what the unlovable/unfuckable do
- my children will be juvenile delinquents
- I will never have children
All those “again”s. They indicate personal narratives and toxic loops you’re knitting yourself into.
Sometimes we enslave ourselves to our stories.
So tell yourself a new story. Tell yourself the truth. Start with this:
If you know, you know.
If you don’t know, wait until you get to the knowing. More heavy lifting, hard works, stillness and listening.
So these are the things I know about relationships:
- Hold on.
- Or don’t.
- Be the truth. You already know what it is or how to get to where it is.
- There is no later.
Wait, that’s not entirely true. That’s not the entire list.
There’s one more thing: stay true, my friend. Think, cry, grieve, eat, pray, love (again) and know there will be light (again).
___________________
PS – Want more Cleavage? Regularly? Subscribe with your e-mail address below and I’m yours (in a virtual and direct-to-your-inbox kind of way):
PPS – and just so you know, I like it when you follow me on Twitter. I’m @KellyDiels.
Damn, dude… She split on a January 12. The Big X that is. Not to be confused with the little x.
Yes, it’s 2 am and yes I should be in bed. There’s a back story, but it’s not what you think. Although I do like how you think.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:07 pm
@Dave Doolin, A wise(ish) man once told me: “we have to stop meeting like this. People will talk.”
and wow. the 12th. It really is in the air. Thanks for the story and the allusion to a backstory even if you back-pedalled on the tawdry.
[Reply]
Although I’m with a man and have kids I still think life can be great as a single person.
It pisses me off when people ask, “can you imagine your life without your kids?”. Because I can. I can imagine it very well – that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my kids.
And as for being with a man when time comes to move on then it’s okay. I don’t live for a man, or my kids. I live for me and I hope my kids will see that they must live for them selves too.
[Reply]
wow, what a post.
[Reply]
One of the few things I believe is absolutely true is what you say: we cannot really ever understand the heart of another. Though we try. Oh, we try.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
@Lindsey, have you read the book about Iris Murdoch, by her husband?
Hold on, I’ll google it.
Oh. Look at that:
Iris: A Memoir of Iris Murdoch.
Imaginative. Probably good for SEO.
Anyways. That book has several paragraphs where the author – and Iris, at different times – muses on the fundamental inscrutability, unknowability and unpredictability of even our most intimates. Loving someone, even in the face of that chasm, bridged only in moments of ecstasy, is heartbreaking and brave. Unconditional, even.
[Reply]
Ah! Now I see you, and learn what it means to look into a diamond (as a facet stares back). Thank you for putting into words what I’ve known, but haven’t known the words to say.
I feed (RSS) on you, and OH! What a feast!
[Reply]
lady, you fucking sing that truth!
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
@sas, nobody wants to hear me sing. I guarantee it.
[Reply]
I break up with girls in February, you see they feel that break up coming right after New Years like you suggested but I let it linger. They’re thinking everything’s fine then Valentines day rolls around and BAM!
Good post though, reminds me of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Spanglish a little bit, because of the message! Yes, Penelope Cruz may have something to do with it but regardless none the less… Spanglish I think is a good illustration of love, lust, reality, myths… of relationships.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
@Anthony Licari, I really liked Spanglish! (Not so much the Mandolin movie. It tried too hard to make me cry.)
“I break up with girls in February…” – you perverse beast. Can we be friends?
[Reply]
Anthony Licari
replied:
on January 5th, 2010 at 10:54 am
@Kelly Diels, Friends? How about two parasites hosting off each other. Yes, that sounds most excellent.
[Reply]
What the F?? Exchange names, number of years, and this is my story… I’ve been gritting my teeth trying to find a solution, a common language and I don’t think it can be found. Kids, finances, fear have kept me here, one foot in, one foot out. You know it isn’t working when the only time you feel lonely is when you are with that person. Thanks for giving my soul a heart to heart…You’re awesome:)
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
@Kim, true story: I knew it was time to go when my daily fantasy and refuge involved mentally decorating my imaginary apartment where I lived…alone.
One foot in, one foot out. Sometimes that’s how we stand for a long time. No harm in that.
I’m glad your soul heard mine and gave yours a little love, too.
[Reply]
Kelly, this is the best aphorism I’ve read in a long time: “Eventually you get tired of running and let your monsters catch you. It is pretty much the nightmare you imagined, more so and less so, and you survive.” I borrowed it for my Facebook page with due acknowledgements to yourself and Cleavage.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
@Shirls, thank you so much. I have big love for FB. That I’m your status update is delish.
[Reply]
That was a GREAT smack in the face for me. I needed to READ. THAT. I’m struggling with the realization that perhaps I’ve been holding onto something that isn’t it for me but I’m doing it because it’s what’s comfortable? GAH Still don’t know but I appreciate reading your words.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
@Jess, honey, I’m sorry I smacked you in the face. It is very unlike me. I’m generally against that sort of thing. But I’m glad you felt that it was something you needed to read. High praise. Thank you. And be well. xo
[Reply]
Jess
replied:
on January 5th, 2010 at 6:57 am
@Kelly Diels, HAHA! Perhaps I didn’t phrase that quite right but it did hit me in a good way
I’m just having a muddled mind week, trying to work things out on my own.
[Reply]
What a powerfully honest and true post! You’ve really hit a nerve with so many of us, it seems. Sometimes it is hard to face that kind of honesty and truth, but obviously we all need to. I particularly love, “There is no later.” You are a goddess of wisdom.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on January 4th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
@Stefanie, if you call me a goddess I will be forced to appoint you my high priestess. The rites: shoe shopping, sushi, and red wine. And girl talk. Lots and lots of it.
[Reply]
I just realized how complicated my situation would be if I were married – oy vey haha
[Reply]
So damn smart…
“So tell yourself a new story. Tell yourself the truth. Start with this:
If you know, you know.
If you don’t know, wait until you get to the knowing. More heavy lifting, hard works, stillness and listening.”
Learning to trust yourself when you know, learning to be patient when you don’t. You speak soul words, and I like it.
Do you ever find yourself having to wait for [something] even after you know that you know? And then you have time to wonder, “Do I really know this? or am I kidding myself?”
[Reply]
Unbelievable! I have been through a break-up since the Christmas holiday and never looked at it this way. The best thing was I think we both came to the same conclusion – this was truly not for us – but went about ending it differently, the different languages we speak.
To top that off, looking back, my marriage also ended in January so the statistics are there to back up Google.
I am so glad I found you through Lindsey!
[Reply]
Beautiful writing, Kelly. My personal learning (and mantra), that seems to be ongoing and possibly ever-lasting is that opening our hearts makes us vulnerable. In that vulnerability, we fear that they might be broken. And yes, the world’s pain does break our hearts, over and over again. But a broken heart is not a paralyzed one. Hearts are broken open, not destroyed; and from an open heart’s capacity to be with suffering, healing arises.
Still learning…
[Reply]
Thanks for being so real and vulnerable. You are right: “If you know, you know.”
For me, this inner voice; inner wisdom, comes from my soul and is seldom wrong. I can pretend it is wrong, or simply ignore it and hope it goes away, but sooner or later my inner voice screams at me, grabs my attention, and makes me listen. I think we find greater strength when we begin to obey this nudge and move in the direction we are meant to go.
Best wishes for your journey Kelly.
[Reply]
Your line about letting your monsters catch you reminds me of my post, The Almost Warrior. We all have our demons and I think that sometimes we need to let them catch us so that we can determine how to disarm them for later.
[Reply]