The first time I had sex, I said, Let’s do that AGAIN!
So we did. And then I wondered, like many a teen heroine before and after me, how does anyone have time to do anything else???
But it was Christmas vacation of my first year of University and I had to work. So I reluctantly dressed and dragged myself to my job at a trucking company where all day the drivers alternated between hitting on me and taking me down a notch or two.
One said to me: You’re a pretty girl. You dress just like my niece. She’s a refugee from Kosovo.
(It was the nineties. I was knee deep in knee highs, Doc Martens, baby doll dresses and grandma cardigans. He was probably not wrong.)
Slings and arrows and fashion digs aside, I glowed all day. I wondered if it was obvious I was glowing. I glowed about glowing.
Ah, young love and new sex. The giddiness. The knowing of a new corner of yourself. The poetry and physics of what a body can do; the magic of what two, together, can do. Divine. A dividing line.
First sex is a dividing line: you step over it and transform from girl to woman, boy to man, child to adult. Conversion. Communion. It is called ecstasy for a reason.
Which is why virginity cannot be lost. There is no loss. There is only gain. Unfolding, knowing, more.
This, of course, is why there are so many rules about sex. Sexuality is a basis for power and agency and awe. Stepping over the divine line into the miracles of body and self makes you wonder: what else is possible? What could possibly be impossible?
This is why cults encourage celibacy or polygamy. Dyads are dangerous to cult authority. They give you an ally. Directing your passion towards the cult with celibacy or fracturing your affection across multiple relationships is a great way to ensure that your first loyalty is your guru. Religions, too, encourage celibacy or monogamy or rigidly circumscribed polygamy. How would the Vatican get rich if priests had families? Families tend to accrete resources rather than direct them to the Church. In any case, in any system, the first order of business is to regulate sexuality.
With good reason.
Desire can be destructive, and divine. That’s the nature of mother nature and creation. There is a reason Kali the destroyer is revered as a mother. Because raucous, joyous sexuality is a source of strength for women. This I know.
When I started having regular, raucous, loving sex with my first big love, we broke the bed. The heavy, oak, four poster bed from the Empress Hotel in Victoria – which is to say: expensive, well-made, and presumably, unbreakable.
His father fixed it. Once. Twice. The third time he said, I’ve got to meet this girl.
And that is what we should do when our young ones start having joyous sex. We should celebrate. Congratulate. Smile at the fumbling attempts towards fluency.
Sex is a language. Kisses and touch and connection are the vocabulary of personal, heartfelt, libidinous expression.
Despite what our culture tells us – that chick flicks and chick lit and pursuit of romance and love are frothy and frivolous – relationships can provide a grammar for growth.
And that’s why I write about sex. I write about sex as an antidote to the titillate and condemn, titillate and condemn, again-and-again pornification of our world. I write about sex because sex is a school and love is an ashram. They are sacred sites for learning, laughing, growing, stretching, unfurling.
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I don’t know what to say.
Just that I feel so, so good after reading what you wrote. I feel pure.
Thank you…
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on December 28th, 2009 at 1:40 am
@Meghashyam Chirravoori, thank you so much. That is praise, indeed, and it brought tears to my eyes.
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I don’t think I really knew that anyone felt that genuinely positive about sex until just now. I think…I’m quite sure, actually…that I need to move in that direction. thank you.
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Kelly – you’re one of the only people that I’ve seen who has ever written about the forbidden topic of sex in a way that has articulated its greatness. And addressed the real and true political reasons of why it’s negatively characterized by the powers that be. I love that you ex BFs Dad fixed the bed, btw. I sent this to my mother – she was a nun before she married my dad – and she called me to tell me she loved it. So, she might not subscribe, but count this as two comments, and one from an actual no-sex-before-marriage nun.
Hope you had a fab holiday – can’t wait to catch up soon.
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This is a brilliant and perfect frame for one of life’s greatest pleasures.
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I don’t write about sex, in detail, on my blog. But I did in my Uncensored eBook. I write about it because, as a single mother writing for single mothers, there is too much at stake not to be honest about finding freedom in sex while also protecting your delicate emotions and those of your children.
And I couldn’t agree more… sex is a beautiful, stunning thing that should be cherished and celebrated not hidden away in a closet.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on December 28th, 2009 at 7:44 am
@Ms. Single Mama, I hear ya. I have a line down the middle of my life, because of this dilemma. I don’t want a man in my children’s life unless I know he staying there. At the same time, I wonder if my children are missing out because they don’t see me negotiating relationships and love and meaning, the way that children of married parents do.
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Chris
replied:
on December 28th, 2009 at 10:55 am
@Kelly Diels, an anecdote with regard to wondering: As a child of divorced parents I grew watching their relationships (polyamorous and non-) and asking questions. Sometimes they were open, othertimes not, and I believe I am better for it, especially with the way popular culture seems to encourage an expectation for jealosy, entitlement and dishonesty in its media. I’ve made plenty of my own mistakes, will continue to do so and that is growth, which is good, but being aware of what is possible has allowed me to avoid some and I have thanked my parents for that on occasion.
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I always like to think of sex as adult play. It has the same qualities as children’s play. It is fun, joyous, exploratory, a bit scary at times, you can get hurt and break something, you learn a LOT, you take on pretend roles, you find out what you like and don’t like, you get better at it.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on December 28th, 2009 at 7:42 am
@The Napkin Dad, “you can get hurt and break something”. Good times. Wonderful comment. Thank you so much.
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A-fucking-men. And women.
Have you read the book ‘Harmful to Minors’ by Judith Levine? It’s all about why ‘protecting’ children from sex is a horrible, horrible idea.
Here’s a link: http://www.amazon.com/Harmful-Minors-Perils-Protecting-Children/dp/0816640068
I remember hearing when I worked at a bookstore back in high school that it took her a handful of publishing houses before she could get someone to publish it. They called the idea (that sex isn’t harmful) ‘radioactive.’ We’ve got a LONG way to go, my friend!
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kellydiels
replied:
on December 28th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Oh Colin, that book sounds fantastic. I’m going to check it out – thanks to all my Christmas gift cards. Whee!
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Brilliant. Again.
This just became this week’s required reading for a few of my clients. Thank you.
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Brilliant.
There is room, I think for a new poetic genre: Fucking Poetry.
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Thought provoking. You express so eloquently what I’ve wondered for a long time – how did sex become a tool in the arsenal of power? Did we do that to ourselves by making it more – or less – than it should be? Thanks for, erm, *exercising* my brain.
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Brilliant Kelly, as usual. The best part of sex resides between the ears, and you’ve captured that essence here.
Mindless sex, really really fun. Engaged, genuinely intimate sex without fear or boundaries — priceless.
I write about sex, too, and from a rare male point of view. If you’d like to read something, here you go:
http://storyfix.com/chapter-29-from-bait-and-switch
It’s a chapter from my last book. I still get emails from women about it. So I posted it on my site.
Kelly, this means you. Feedback, pls.
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Kelly Diels
replied:
on December 28th, 2009 at 10:25 am
@Larry, Larry, I like it. A lot. Will probably write about it, soon. And I think you just sold a book.
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P.S. — Kelly, I didn’t change the name to suck up to you, either. Swear to God.
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Sex is one of those great things in life that people never seem to address with the same feeling that sex produces: joy, ecstasy, love, a certain reverence. Desire may be dangerous but it’s necessary to a full, happy life. People are either overcompensating for or succumbing to the Puritanical views of their parents and supposed elders.
You break down the barriers and make us think about the power of sex beyond the physical moment. Broken beds and all. Thank you for that.
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Kelly,
Without a doubt, the best post of yours I’ve read (yet-still having making out, er, up to do). Absolutely lovely, so true. I don’t know what else I could say.
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That all sounds great…until I think of my daughter doing it… lol
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The quantity of comments and traffic alone on this one should be validating and affirming, Kelly. As always, you write in beautiful, powerful ways that provoke, stir, and in this case, arouse. You arouse my questions, my memories, my hopes, my desires – for myself and for my daughters (as they experience such in my life and ultimately in their own). Thank you.
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oh my goodness. I go away for a couple of hours and OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS. Thank you all so much.
This post means so much to me and to know it landed like this is such a joy and a gift. Thank you thank you. xo
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This is the kind of thing I wish I had read ten years ago in my teens when I had the inkling of the woman I wanted to become. My childhood was spent growing up in one of the cults that directs love and adoration away from sex and inserts shame instead. These days I am still on a path to self discovery and unravelling that tangled knot of guilt. Your post felt purifying and like a milestone along the way. Thank you Kelly. You have gotten yourself another devoted reader!
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Kelly, I love you.
I have been appreciating your honesty, intensity and courage since some time…
but with this post you just *excelled*. You blew me away and made my heart beat louder.
With your authenticity, you bless the world with inspiration and truth.
I wish more woman would be so direct and bold about sex (and life in general).
Their life would be fuller, the world would be richer, many men would be happier and some would be scared… but they would grow eventually.
In the long, long journey towards heaven on earth, good sex is a foundation. And your posts are a worthy contribution.
Glod bless you (and S/He will
and heartful thanks
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“The third time he said, I’ve got to meet this girl.”
That part of the post was totally awesome.
(And yep, I just spilled my coffee laughing out loud.)
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Excellent post! Sex is the fastest way to enlightenment, believe it or not. That is why Eastern and Western philosophies alike have attempted to control you and your spirituality through the control of sex. From a shamanistic level, at the moment of orgasm, the body has reached it’s highest potential for vibration, you actually leave out the top of your head for a second, hence the proverbial unconscious response,”Oh my GOD!” LOL Nerdy, but true. You are free from the physical restraints, you are closer to God, Goddess, All that IS in that moment. The barriers have been removed, you are in the Etheric, you are outside of space and time. Your consciousness is like a flare reaching beyond yourself, to touch the greater. An ancient ritual of reality co-creation sex magic, is to “float” a request of the greater (God,or whatever you think it to be) on an orgasm, best to use a visual representation, allowing the most clear form of prayer, it’s most clear expression, loosened of all your physical limitations, Religions know it is possible for you to grow and change without them, that is why the control in these arenas. Have FUN! love it.
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Someone once wrote on a forum I read that if you don’t love sex, you’re doing it wrong.
I must be doing something quite, quite wrong. But it’s inspiring to know there’s this to aim towards.
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As someone with a difficult past sex life, who is now discovering fantastic sex with someone I love very much, I wanted to thank you for writing this – it is wonderful to read such inspirational stuff.
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Very nice reading, I love the passionate writing style and the underlying ideology !
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“Which is why virginity cannot be lost. There is no loss. There is only gain. Unfolding, knowing, more.” Wow… What a profoundly moving statement.
As an unusually forward-thinking Christian, I am often disturbed by mainstream Christianity’s puritanical and self-loathing attitudes about sex. At best, I feel they are dangerously misleading. Your blog is such a breath of fresh air.
Whether I agree with everything you say isn’t even relevant. What IS relevant is that YOU ARE SAYING IT…
Anyway, my point is that your statement is liberating and eye-opening on so many levels. It makes me really cherish the sexual aspect of my relationship with my second wife. We understand each other. I have had a number of sexual partners, but she is the only one that I can honestly say I am fearless with. This is reciprocated by her as well. You statement says we never lost anything, we gain… every single time… and that is so true. Thank you for your honesty.
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