The basic assumption underlying most of my choices and behaviour: lead with my strengths.
Self discipline? Over-rated.
Will power? Temporary. Don’t count on it. Much.
I think this is an excellent philosophy. It makes my dreams real. Opera singer? Never. Playboy model? Nope. Writer? Sex pot? Mama extraordinaire? YESSIREE X 3.
So I don’t waste a lot of time with things I’m just not good at or don’t like or just plain can’t be bothered. Instead, I spend my time feeding my joys, leading with my strengths, and strengthening my strengths. I don’t work at being well-rounded. (I let chocolate do its job, there.)
Except…
I have a core weakness that is almost physical. It spreads, painfully, through all the musculature of my life.
Ask.
I don’t. I rarely ask for things. Anything. Help with my girls, help with my house, help with a task, help help help. I don’t ask. I don’t ask for business. I don’t ask for the job or the promotion or the next step or even what is the next step.
I could fold this into my philosophy of lead from strengths and don’t worry about the weaknesses. It would look like this: I’m not good at asking, so I’m not going to do it or work at it.
And I kind of do, do that. That’s what this blog is about. If you like my writing, by the time you ask me to do some for you, we’re best friends and it is all sunshine and roses and paypal. I don’t have to ask for a damn thing. And we have a great time.
That’s sweet. I like that, a lot.
But I think this is a stuckness*.
In love. All the worst of me comes from skating around asking and trying to get what I want without articulating it. There’s a word for this: manipulation.
Or, accepting what is on offer, no matter how inadequate or unappealing.
In parenting. All the worst of me comes from reacting to transgressed boundaries that I NEVER ARTICULATED. Friction and fights flow from imaginary lines being crossed because I don’t ask for those lines to be noticed or even respected.
In my career: I get frustrated because I’m not getting what I want, but I don’t ask for it. (If you have employers with ESP, I need to work there.)
Clearly, my askus requestus** muscle needs exercise.
So I’ve been thinking about this: what is the worst that can happen if I ask?
The answer could be no. Instead of getting what I want, I could get nothing.
Well, how is that different from what I had before I asked?
Not much, except that I skip the regularly scheduled ambivalence and anguish. I can live with that.
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* stuckness. That’s all Havi Brooks, baby. She’ll help you destuckify.
** totally copped the phrase “askus requestus muscle” from Danielle LaPorte who, like the Digital Underground, also preaches the gospel of doowutchalike. Amen, sister.
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this is a lesson I learned from my brush with the Very Bad Lying Man.
If you want to know more about THAT story, here it is:
December 2009. The thin line – cleavage, even – between vulnerability as strength and just out-and-out stupidity.
Here are the breadcrumbs. Bits of the Very Bad Lying Man fell into these posts while the un-love story was happening:
August 2009. Vacation. Day 1. I am THAT Scene in When Harry Met Sally, but It Is Real. And Better.
August 2009. On Being a Needy Girlfriend and What IT SHOULD Teach You
August 2009. When Tough Love Turns Poetic. In a blood, guts, and broken-ego kinda way.
September 2009. On Harm, Healing, Ceilings and How Absent Apologies are the Pits – The Sorry Series, #1
September 2009. How To Receive an Apology. How To Accept an Apology. How To Forgive. Or Maybe Not. – The Sorry Series, #4
December 2009. ask and ye shall…well just ask, anyways.
January 2010. I am the female Bluebeard of suburban Vancouver and I am running out of closet space.
February 2010. Love is a Compass.
February 2010. sexifesto
March 2010. butterflies are a drug and I’m in rehab
March 2010. hearsay brilliance: “Only go when the light is green”
I believe your, “askus requestus muscle” just got a major flex. For every action… You know the rest, be prepared for what is about to come next sweetness.
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Kelly I found your blog through Larry Brooks and love your honesty. I’m learning a lot from it. Asking is tough because rejection is horrible, I know. But sometimes it can be like pushing against a door you think is stuck and it flies open. Put on your tough boots and try it once a week just for practice. And keep these marvellous blogs coming!
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You are present in this world, that’s #1. You know what you want, that’s #2. And you’re right, asking is key to this equation, but look how all of your greatness unfolded these past few months. If the answer is no, that’s ok, because your greatness has already been proven.
Basically, you rock. If you want to practice, ask me stuff and I’ll say yes.
Hope you had a great holiday, friend!
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The beauty of asking (I am starting to learn) is that sometimes you get. And, even more amazing, sometimes you get MORE than you asked for. And, best of all, sometimes you get DIFFERENT from what you asked for. I have been shocked, shocked I tell you, when I make some onerous request of my kids and they say “sure, mom.”
Maybe it’s the Christmas magic. We’ll see what happens now that they’ve got all their little gifties in hand. But keep asking Kelly!
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OK. I’m asking: Can I be just like you?
As always, I love all you write, all you think, all you feel. And I’m thinking about what you’ve said for myself…asking and wondering what I need to ask for, how my strengths can become liabilities, how my strengths are strengths worth affirming (and getting paid for).
I’m asking for sunshine, roses, and paypal right along with ya! (And yes, the boundary lines with my daughters, as well!)
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Great post Kelly! By the way – if the answer is no it just means that it’s something you really shouldn’t have in your life anyway. ;o)
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One odd circumstance I have found is that asking others for help actually enabled them not only to help effectively, but to feel more comfortable asking me for something THEY needed. This resulted in and enabled greater cooperation between the two of us. Sometimes asking for what you need improves how people relate to you; win-win again.
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I just wrote about this today in an email to a friend. I am TERRIBLE at both asking and receiving. I’m the world’s champion at giving. Oh, yes! I can give and give and give. But asking for help, especially, is not something I’m very good at all.
It cost me my marriage, truthfully.
I have learned, though, in the last two years that it is very important to also be very clear in the asking. Of course, there are blessings in the receipt of truly getting what you asked for that you didn’t know you were actually asking for, it’s true.
Just know that it all takes practice. And it does get easier. Kind of like kissing for three days.
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“здорово!”
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Читаешь это и думаешь….
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“Мне все понравилось”
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Не пойму в чём дело, но у меня тока 2 картинки загрузилось. ((( А ваще понравились!
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Вино и женщины приносят нам,
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“прочитала с удовольствием”
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По моему у Вас украли эту статью и поместили на другом сайте. Я её уже видела.
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хорошая подборка)
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