“It’s excruciating to watch people pretend to help other people.” – via Merlin Mann
Don’t you hate it when someone helps you out? Smugly?
Like: lookit me I’m so great, I’m totally here for you, gimme a cookie.
Ewwwww.
When a person offers that kind of help, wouldn’t you rather they…not?
I once had a friend who thought being a faux germ-a-phobe and relentlessly faux-organized makes him cleaner – and therefore a little better, because that’s the point, really – than everyone else.
He would “help” me by telling my kids about oxidization and bacteria and contagion and inculculate a fear of touching everything including their own skin. And then he’d smile at me like, see, I’m teaching them. I’m so clean and cleanliness is next to godliness so basically I’m a saint. I’m Mother Theresa in drag. I’m goddamned Ghandi, baby. Gimme a cookie.
Or he would “help” me by cleaning the bathroom and then say, yeah, I’m all about the bleach which implicitly means and you’re not and that’s why I had to disinfect your bathroom you filthy slovenly creature you but I love you so much that I helped you out. I’m EDUCATING you because I’m on your side, baby. Gimme a cookie.
That’s the type of guy, I imagine, who would stop to wash his hands in the middle of sex and then say I just wanna be clean for you, baby. Gimme a cookie.
So maybe that was a true story.
And because that IS a true story – we’re cringing in concert, I assure you – let’s discuss. How gorgeous and sexy and appealing and just generally good about yourself would you feel if someone “helped” you in this way?
Not very?
Exactly.
Gimme a cookie behaviour makes other people feel bad about themselves. So let’s all stop it.
__________________PS I feel compelled to address any suspicions that you might have – planted by this seditious lil’ essay – that I am not, shall we say, the tidiest of domestic sex goddesses.
Gimme a cookie.
damn that house is pristine. me thinks you should have a guerilla cookie eating party in there sometime!
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on November 27th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I would be inclined to agree. Mmmmm cookies.
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I like your style Kelly. I guess the fairies came in the night to clean huh.
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kellydiels
replied:
on November 27th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Do you have fairies on staff? Can you provide referrals? I AM IN NEED of magical housecleaning fairies. Please share.
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I love helping people and adding sunshine to people’s lives so I always worry about looking like that condescending Lady Bountiful. I liked this post a lot.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on November 28th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@Joyful, I think if you wear a badge that says “Condescending Lady Bountiful” there will be enough self-deprecation that it will all go down beautifully. And please visit often. You’re officially invited. xo
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Niicceee…I had a “friend” once who would come over and do all my dirty dishes. I realized that I hated her when she gave me a swiffer for my birthday.
Sad (but true) story.
[Reply]
Kelly Diels
replied:
on November 28th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
@jen, you effing rock. “I realized I hated her when she gave me a swiffer for my birthday.” Now THAT is an epiphany. You are my people.
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Some things are make or break in a young relationship.
Fresh banana bread on the first visit to their place? Make.
Invited to share a bath on the fifth visit to their place? Make.
Watching them use the toilet brush to scrub the bathtub? There’s no good way to address this after you’ve shared so much. But you can’t sneak away. You can’t jump out of the window once the candles are burning and the light is low. You can’t ease into boiling hot water either.
There’s only one solution and it’s not honesty or cleanliness: Fake an injury that needs ice, not heat. Twist an ankle when you stand up and hop around like your foot’s on fire. Displaying such a high level of drama is a Break for the other person. Just remember to limp for a few days. Don’t expect a cookie, or an Oscar.
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