This is a list of people I don’t mean to criticize but might, accidentally, because
- they are the establishment, or
- I think they are wonderful on both cellular and cosmic levels but even wonderful people make mistakes and I’m so anguished about it that I HAVE to say something, or
- I really, really like them but sometimes they piss me off but even when they piss me off, I like it (and them), or
- they criticize the establishment or conventional, repressive ideas but not always to my satisfaction, or
- they are the establishment and as such are often conflated with or espouse certain unquestioned conventions and really the idea is my target, or
- they are the establishment, or
- in fact I will never, ever criticise them because I love them unreservedly, or,
- if I criticize them, please know that I love them, violently, unconditionally, right through the criticism. (For example: my kids. Oprah. Jay-z. You get the picture.)
*note: some people on this list fall into more than one of these categories. The people who do ARE SO AWESOME.
- My mother (also, please note that if I criticize my mother, I criticize myself and all women. Mother-bashing is misogyny in action. Even/except if she really deserves it.)
- Malcolm Gladwell (this will NEVER happen)
- Tyler Perry (this already happened and it caused me many nights of lost sleep. I am also bemoaning our engagement party which will now never happen. Malcolm, it is all on you, now.)
- Penelope Trunk
- Barack Obama (blasphemy!)
- Michelle Obama (heresy!)
- Oprah (if I EVER criticize Oprah, please know that I am on some kind of hallucinogen and/or my blog has been hacked by terrorists. Or she consulted Suzanne Somers on medication.)
(WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? DID I JUST CRITICIZE OPRAH?????)
(OMG I THINK MY BLOG JUST GOT HACKED BY TERRORISTS WHO DON’T FERVENTLY LOVE OPRAH. THEY’RE EXTRA SCARY. I’M FIGHTING THEM OFF, RIGHT NOW, VIGOROUSLY, WITH A THIGH MASTER.)
We now return to our regularly scheduled “Accidental and Passionately Loved Targets of Hedged Criticism” list.- Jesus* (while I’m heresying…)
- Mohammed* (more blaspheming…)
- The numbered list function in Wordpress. WTF, Wordpress? I love you so much, and you casually, remorselessly, viciously betray me.
- Christopher Hitchens. He’s possibly a jerk, but wow, can he write. He made an observation that is so lemon-suckingly fantastic that even though he thinks women are evolutionarily incapable of humour, I bend my knee and give him props. (I am a bad humourless but forgiving feminist.) Here it is: “The four most overrated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.”
- John Cusack
- Kate Harding
- Beyonce
- Jay-Z
- Any future Beyonce/Jay-Z offspring. Can you imagine????
- Child #1
- Child #2
- Imaginary child #3
*I don’t have any problems with prophets. I think we need more prophets, but maybe less sheep.
OMG. YOU SAID JOHN CUSACK. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
[Reply]
kellydiels
replied:
on November 11th, 2009 at 8:53 am
It had to be done. Say Anything. He may possibly be (or deserve to be) exempt from criticism for the rest of his life. That being said, the ghetto-blaster-trench-coat-in-the-rain scene may possibly have set my romantic expectations of lovers, and my bar for accepting apologies, a tad high. Maybe that’s why I’m single. Maybe it is all John Cusack’s fault. OMG I JUST CRITICIZED JOHN CUSACK.
[Reply]