I recently celebrated my 8th anniversary with the love of my life. After putting our son to bed, we held hands and talked about profound things. The stars were out. It’s always easier to get profound when the stars are out.
We looked deep into each other’s eyes and talked about the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last 2,400 plus days together. Specifically, we wondered why this most recent year has been so good. Our very best.
The answer was obvious, but it shocked us each to say the words:
“I don’t need you.”
Courtly Love
Most of what I knew of love as a teenager, I learned from Don Quixote and Chaucer. I know, I know, what sort of teenager reads The Canterbury Tales?
Pipe down.
Courtly love is its own character in tales of chivalry. When a knight experiences courtly love, it is devastating. His lady sits in a tower somewhere, or maybe on an island in the middle of an enchanted lagoon, and all he can do is pine for her and complete quests and tasks for her approval.
While they are apart, the knight is sick. Absence not only makes the heart grow fonder, it makes the stomach grow nauseous while the skin grows pale and the bones grow brittle. It is a sadistic, catastrophic euphoria that was everything I thought I wanted.
Maybe you don’t read Cervantes or Chaucer, but if you’ve heard of Hollywood and a little invention called the “moving picture,” you’ve seen courtly love in action. It is the idea that there is one person for everyone. There is one person who will make you happy. One person to make you whole.
The dénouement of every sappy romance where the guy rushes to the airport with his tie untied and his hair in a dither is our modern day equivalent of Don Quixote fighting giants to please his exquisite Dulcinea.
When the hero gets to the airport and stops her from flying away with the rich Eurotrash guy, all is well. The two have become one, and now they can be happy.
The implication is that if they never got together, they would have remained unhappy as long as they were apart.
This sounds sort of romantic, but it’s insidious and weakening.
Real Strength
I could make it without Janette. She could make it without me. We are, capable, able-bodied and intelligent individivuals. We could both be happy (eventually) without the other, and it is very likely that there are thousands of other people that we could each be happy with.
It wasn’t always this way. I was a fixer-upper when we got married and she was handy and tender with stray kittens and lost causes. We spent seven years needing each other and acting like we couldn’t possibly make it on our own.
Once I became the man who didn’t need her in order to be happy, I was able to make her happy. I became the man she thought she was marrying Back In The Day. Once she realized she couldn’t occupy her time and effort with fixing my problems, she had to figure out who she was.
Two strong people who would not be lost on their own decide to throw in together, and suddenly they are each stronger than they ever could be alone.
We can’t get enough of each other in all the ways that matter, but we let ourselves breath enough to remember that we are individuals who each have identify outside of being part of a couple.
We do not need each other, and that is why we continue to want each other.
____________________
Josh Hanagarne
Get Stronger, Get Smarter, Live Better…Every Day
About the Author: Josh Hanagarne is the twitchy giant behind World’s Strongest Librarian, a blog with advice about living with Tourette’s Syndrome, kettlebells, book recommendations, buying pants when you’re 6’8”, old-time strongman training, and much more. Please subscribe to Josh’s RSS Updates to stay in touch.
Kelly, thanks for inviting me to crash my shabby antics into your classy blog. You are too jolly for words.
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Josh,
Eloquence.
Beauty.
Tears.
Recognition.
Love.
These are all the things I felt reading your post here. You are lucky you have each other.
(Thanks to Kelly for hosting Josh, he’s a real cool cat.)
Thanks for taking me on your journey.
I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Cheers to you and happy anniversary!
~xo
Lori
P.S. Lisis (Q4B) and I decided we want to meet your wife. She is officially in the cool chickas club and we want to take her out for a martini.
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I love this. It reminds me of what I told my husband on the night before our wedding (9+ years ago now). He still, to this days, says it was the scariest thing I’ve ever said to him. I looked at him and told him I was looking forward to marrying him, and that I believed we were vowing to walk together as long as our paths were parallel. And that I hoped that was forever, but we would never know.
I believe this in my marrow.
To force it is the beginning of the death. And I think it is naive to think that we can know at the beginning of a relationship where our individual road is going, and who we are supposed to become. Therefore, my logic tells me we cannot really promise that Always and Forever are there. Because who knows who we will want and need?
But that is, in the end, a place where the more authentic relationship comes from, at least in my view.
Lindsey
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Awesome story, Josh! And, I believe you are right… one of the easiest ways to want to stay together is to not NEED each other. Sounds weird but, when two complete, whole individuals choose to be together, it is a much more beautiful thing than broken people leaning on each other. I suppose they both have their place, but I’m glad I’ve made it to THIS side… the same side you two are on now.
And, yeah… what Lori said is true. We have BIG plans for margarita night with Janette (she just doesn’t know it yet!).
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kellydiels
replied:
on November 10th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Is there a martini/margarita that needs drinking? I’d oblige but strangely MY invitation is missing
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Lisis
replied:
on November 12th, 2009 at 8:47 am
@kellydiels, Oversight, my dear… you are totally invited!
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