My Love for My Friend Has No Bounds. It Is Almost Pornographic, and I’m Pretty Sure There Is a Business Opportunity in There, Somewhere.
My love for my friend knows no bounds and truly we are soul sisters from a different mother. This conversation is proof.
Heather: What did you get your boyfriend for his birthday?
Kelly: I wrote a story about him and then plugged it into Wordle. This scrambles all the words and makes the repeated ones bigger or in different colours. Someone did that with Obama’s inaugration speech and you’ll see word clouds on lots of blogs. It is kind of like a snapshot of the passions and themes of your life. Then I printed out it out and took it to a t-shirt shop and had them put it on a t-shirt. So that’s what I gave him. A word cloud t-shirt, and sexual favours.
Heather: Wow that’s good. I love that.
Kelly: I know. I’m so fucking awesome. But he says he can’t wear the shirt.
Heather: Why not?
Kelly: Because it has the word ‘porn’ on it and his son will read it and ask what porn means.
Heather: See, this is what happens when you teach kids to read.
Kelly: I know! But it didn’t even occur to me that this would be a problem. The word is less than a cm high. Also it didn’t occur to me that the word ‘porn’ was offensive. I would totally wear a t-shirt with the word PORN emblazoned 5 inches high across my tremendous cleavage. I would wear it daily.
Heather: Me too! I would wear it too! I would wear it to the playground with my kids.
Kelly: I would wear it to work.
Heather: I would wear it to my bible kiddie play group on Thursday mornings.
Kelly: I would wear it to CHURCH.
Heather: You don’t go to church.
Kelly: Heathen.
Heather: Heather. My name is Heather.
Moral of the story: we’re starting an inappropriate t-shirt company, possibly with Jenny from workinonaramp. ‘Course Jenny doesn’t know about this. And neither does Heather. It is a secret business plan. I have to keep these things secret because last time Heather and I made a business plan, her husband vetoed it. We were going to teach classes and put together a how-to video series on a particular sex act but apparently that is inappropriate.
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Note1: Just so we’re all clear where I stand on privacy (don’t believe in it) I DID ask my friend Heather if I could write about her and if so should I use a nom de plume for her.
Heather: “Of course you can blog about me! You don’t even have to ask! You can use my full name! Just don’t write about my lazy eye!”
Kelly: “Can I link back to the original post called Does My Ass Look Fat in This Blog? where I said you had a lazy eye?”
Heather: “No!”
So I didn’t link back to that post. That’s what a great friend I am.
Note 2: Heather has had two surgeries for her pathologically lazy eye and now you hardly notice when she’s looking at you and beside you at the same time. Fortunately she’s hot and has great cleavage so it doesn’t even matter. God is fair, after all. Heather learned that in Catholic school and I learned that at my imaginary church.
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Update: My imaginary PORN shirt is now a reality and you can buy it. Seriously. Please do.
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This is freaking awesome. We need to start the business venture a.s.a.p. and this t-shirt should be our work attire. I’m not sure why no one thought of this before. Oh, because they’re not as awesome. I mean, seriously. Who is getting attention at a conference.. the person in business casual or the person wearing a t-shirt with one word “Porn.”
[Reply]
The Imaginary PORN Shirt is Now Real, and You Can Buy It.
My last blog post, the very classy piece where I said Jenny and I were going to launch a t-shirt company – based on my conversation with my friend Heather – generated many, many emails saying “I would totally buy that shirt!”.So here it is. The the imaginary PORN shirt design is no longer imaginary. It is real, and you can buy it here. Please do.Mom, I am so sorry.(much, much love to Heather’s husband Tyler Williamson for the design. And to Heather for getting him to do it.) …
[Reply]
The Imaginary PORN Shirt is Now Real, and You Can Buy It.
My last blog post, the very classy piece where I said Jenny and I were going to launch a t-shirt company – based on my conversation with my friend Heather – generated many, many emails saying “I would totally buy that shirt!”.So here it is. The the imaginary PORN shirt design is no longer imaginary. It is real, and you can buy it here. Please do.Mom, I am so sorry.(much, much love to Heather’s husband Tyler Williamson for the design. And to Heather for getting him to do it.) …
[Reply]
the awesomeness of your friendship with this heathen is only matched by your choice in birthday presents for boyfriends.
[Reply]
OMG -You have totally restored my faith in female friendships. Ok-well, almost, since I have not made time to bash in the face of the c**** that ripped my heart out when I thought we were like sisters.I can’t say bitch, cuz I am a biker and bitch is a term of endearment in m=y household, so it’s way too good for her.
Anyways, I LOVED this post – it’ is seriously right up my alley and yes I would proudly wear Porn on my chest. I mean if I can wear one that says”if your gonna ride myass, at least pull my hair”, then porn is a no brainer! Thanks for the smile -I needed it this morning!
[Reply]
gratitude, the not-there-yet, and windy autumn nights.
grateful. for my friend Ricardo Scipio, a finder of lost children, who is an artist and his art is his life and just by the who he is reminds me to stay wild. stay free.to have a secret mentor (it is a secret in that she doesn’t know she’s my mentor) who told me: you’re hot shit and The Real Deal and should be getting your ass published as widely as possibleto have a champion who tells me and everyone else that I’m a lunatic with bulldozer charisma and he’ll read anything I writeto have a sort-of stranger tell me …
[Reply]
gratitude, the not-there-yet, and windy autumn nights.
grateful. for my friend Ricardo Scipio, a finder of lost children, who is an artist and his art is his life and just by who he is reminds me to stay wild. stay free.to have a secret mentor (it is a secret in that she doesn’t know she’s my mentor) who told me: you’re hot shit and The Real Deal and should be getting your ass published as widely as possibleto have a champion who tells me and everyone else that I’m a lunatic with bulldozer charisma and he’ll read anything I writeto have a sort-of stranger tell me that …
[Reply]
I’m Going to Be a Hundredaire!
The PORN T-Shirt. Here’s The Deal. Jenny from workinonaramp has written this post about the PORN t-shirt – the backstory and where you can buy it, please go buy it – so I guess we really are in business.We’re deliberating between being millionaires or artists. Hugh McLeod gets us. (Conceptually. He’s never actually heard of us. If he did, Jenny would lose her mind. Kinda like if Malcolm Gladwell stepped out of my fantasies into the flesh and said, hey! let’s take our laptops to the coffeeshop and hang out. In New York. And kiss.) Jenny’s leaning to …
[Reply]
I’m Going to Be a Hundredaire!
The PORN T-Shirt. Here’s The Deal. Jenny from workinonaramp has written this post about the PORN t-shirt – the backstory and where you can buy it, please go buy it – so I guess we really are in business.We’re deliberating between being millionaires or artists. Hugh McLeod gets us. (Conceptually. He’s never actually heard of us. If he did, Jenny would lose her mind. Kinda like if Malcolm Gladwell stepped out of my fantasies into the flesh and said, hey! let’s take our laptops to the coffee shop and hang out. In New York. And kiss.) Jenny’s leaning …
[Reply]
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[Reply]
[...] Charles. And now I’ll show you a photo of Mr. Stephen Kelly of London, UK, who bought a Porn t-shirt and will be sending me a photo to document the extent of my fashion influence on homosexual [...]
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[...] I was so disconcerted that while driving home I had to pull over and call Heather. [...]
[...] I was so disconcerted that while driving home I had to pull over and call Heather. [...]