My Love for My Friend Has No Bounds. It Is Almost Pornographic, and I’m Pretty Sure There Is a Business Opportunity in There, Somewhere.

My love for my friend knows no bounds and truly we are soul sisters from a different mother. This conversation is proof.

Heather: What did you get your boyfriend for his birthday?

Kelly: I wrote a story about him and then plugged it into Wordle. This scrambles all the words and makes the repeated ones bigger or in different colours. Someone did that with Obama’s inaugration speech and you’ll see word clouds on lots of blogs. It is kind of like a snapshot of the passions and themes of your life. Then I printed out it out and took it to a t-shirt shop and had them put it on a t-shirt. So that’s what I gave him. A word cloud t-shirt, and sexual favours.

Heather: Wow that’s good. I love that.

Kelly: I know. I’m so fucking awesome. But he says he can’t wear the shirt.

Heather: Why not?

Kelly: Because it has the word ‘porn’ on it and his son will read it and ask what porn means.

Heather: See, this is what happens when you teach kids to read.

Kelly: I know! But it didn’t even occur to me that this would be a problem. The word is less than a cm high. Also it didn’t occur to me that the word ‘porn’ was offensive. I would totally wear a t-shirt with the word PORN emblazoned 5 inches high across my tremendous cleavage. I would wear it daily.

Heather: Me too! I would wear it too! I would wear it to the playground with my kids.

Kelly: I would wear it to work.

Heather: I would wear it to my bible kiddie play group on Thursday mornings.

Kelly: I would wear it to CHURCH.

Heather: You don’t go to church.

Kelly: Heathen.

Heather: Heather. My name is Heather.

Moral of the story: we’re starting an inappropriate t-shirt company, possibly with Jenny from workinonaramp. ‘Course Jenny doesn’t know about this. And neither does Heather. It is a secret business plan. I have to keep these things secret because last time Heather and I made a business plan, her husband vetoed it. We were going to teach classes and put together a how-to video series on a particular sex act but apparently that is inappropriate.

Note1: Just so we’re all clear where I stand on privacy (don’t believe in it) I DID ask my friend Heather if I could write about her and if so should I use a nom de plume for her.

Heather: “Of course you can blog about me! You don’t even have to ask! You can use my full name! Just don’t write about my lazy eye!”

Kelly: “Can I link back to the original post called Does My Ass Look Fat in This Blog? where I said you had a lazy eye?”

Heather: “No!”

So I didn’t link back to that post. That’s what a great friend I am.

Note 2: Heather has had two surgeries for her pathologically lazy eye and now you hardly notice when she’s looking at you and beside you at the same time. Fortunately she’s hot and has great cleavage so it doesn’t even matter. God is fair, after all. Heather learned that in Catholic school and I learned that at my imaginary church.


Update: My imaginary PORN shirt is now a reality and you can buy it. Seriously. Please do.

About the author

Kelly Diels I'm Kelly Diels. I'm a writer. I've written for Salon, Jezebel, XO Jane, Problogger, Write to Done and more. I'm currently working on a book about The Female Lifestyle Empowerment Brand. Interested? Please subscribe to my newsletter and I'll share more thoughts and chapters with you as I write them. You can also find me on Facebook and yes please, please do.