Three Lame Types Of Apologies by Josh Hanagarne
The Screamed Apology
I was outside a Wal-Mart recently when I saw a woman in pajamas dragging her shirtless child across the parking lot. She was pulling him too fast and he couldn’t keep up. He fell and skinned his knees and elbows.
She tried to pick him up but he didn’t want her help. He had fallen down, she has caused it, and he was calling her out by going limp and unresponsive.
It was awesome. Give her hell! I thought.
The more the child resisted, the harder she tried to lift him to his feet. He did that delicious dead weight thing that children and protestors do when they get particularly fussy. I watched her struggle as he poured himself over and around her arms.
I started laughing from my perch near the cart return.
She was revving at a very high RPM. Then she erupted: “I’m sorry, all right!” I swear the lights in the building flickered, she screamed so loud. “I’m sorry!”
I don’t want to have apologies shouted at me, especially if you’re wearing pajamas in public.
The Serial Apologizer
I spend my days among people who never apologize for the things they should, but insist on apologizing for everything else.
This is the sound of me handing someone their library book: “Here you go, thanks for coming in.”
“Thank you, Josh. Sorry.”
Or:
“Hi! Can I help you?”
“Yes…sorry.”
The strangest example I ever saw of this was a waitress in Moab, Utah. I was eating at La Hacienda with my family. The restaurant was really busy. We expected to wait for a while after being seated and were all fine with that.
When our waitress showed up, she poured waters for us. “Here’s some water, sorry,” she said, although she was well ahead of schedule.
“You’re doing great,” we said. “We’re just hanging out tonight. Take your time.”
“Okay, cool,” she said. “Sorry.”
She apologized for bringing the delicious appetizers. She apologized for refilling our drinks. She apologized for deserving a huge tip and she apologized for helping us have such an enjoyable evening in the restaurant.
She was wonderful, obviously, but wow—that woman could apologize. It was like a tic. The more I pay attention, the more people I realize have this strange disorder.
I don’t get it.
The Apology You Don’t Have The Right To Give
There are things you can’t apologize for. Most of the people who commit the sorts of deeds that you can’t apologize for refuse to quit trying.
I’ve seen a lot of abuse. I once drove to Elko, Nevada in a panic because my sister’s new husband had been abusing her so badly that…
It’s a four-hour drive. I cried for three and a half. Then I got so furious I had to pull over until the shakes stopped. I had no idea what I’d do when I got there. I wondered if I’d be a murderer by sunrise.
He wasn’t there and I never saw him again. I’m glad. I drove my sister back to my house in Salt Lake City. The next day when he called her phone, I answered it and asked what he wanted.
He wanted the DVDs he had left in their apartment back in Elko. He had the entire Wayans Brothers collection and the separation was already killing him. I said that I’d return them in three weeks.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a whining voice.
“I don’t care. I have to hang up. I feel sick.”
“I said I’m sorry…”
There have been times in my life when nothing has meant more than a sincere apology. A sincere apology at the right time can bring me to my knees and rebuild every burnt bridge in history.
There have been times in my life when nothing has meant less to me than an apology for the sake of convenience. Particularly if it’s on behalf of the Wayans Brothers.
Let’s hear it, then. What did I miss? Have you ever given or received a lame apology? I’ve certainly doled out my share, lest my above examples give you the impression that I’m squeaky clean.
I’m squeaky stupid, but that’s a story for another day.
About the Author: Josh Hanagarne writes World’s Strongest Librarian, a blog with advice about coping with Tourette’s Syndrome, book recommendations, buying pants when you’re 6’8”, old-time strongman training, and so much more. Please subscribe to Josh’s RSS Updates and Stronger, Smarter, Better Newsletter to stay in touch.
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this essay is part of The Sorry Series – How To Apologize, How NOT to Apologize, and the Power of Forgiveness:On Harm, Healing, Ceilings and How Absent Apologies are the Pits – The Sorry Series, #1
Guest Post by Josh Hanagarne: Three Lame Types Of Apologies – The Sorry Series, #3
The Forgiven, The Sorry Series #5
*not really part of the series but I do make a wildly necessary apology in it