Apologies are on my mind. I’m due an apology; I owe several apologies from my flaky days and I’m trying to summon the courage to offer them; and I’m pretty much convinced that Chris Brown is the worst apologizer, ever. Or at least he’s the most sorry sorry-giver in the last 14 days.
Apologies are actually simple. I know this from my children. When they have done wrong – when one sister has snatched a barbie or a precious book; looked at the other one too many times or for too long; when one’s leg has been brushed during dinner; when harsh words have been uttered, like the ever offensive “I don’t want to play with you, I need privacy”; or when life has gone sideways and naps have been missed and it is all too much and hysteria ensues – they know how to set things right.
Here is the child’s guide to apologizing:
1. Take time to yourself. Sometimes this is dictated from on-high (ie your mother sends you to your room to Think About What You’ve Done). Sometimes it is voluntary and involves flouncing and a ritual slamming of the bedroom door. Often it involves sobbing yourself to sleep. Ceilings must be contemplated. The answers must be assembled, the grief must be felt, and the need not to be alone and away from those you love must be acute.
2. When you have the answers – why you did what you did, how awful it must have been to have received those bad actions, why/how you will not do this again, and what you propose to do to make amends – venture out of your cave/princess lair/self-imposed isolation and say this: I’m so sorry.
3. Mean it. Don’t justify. Take whatever comes. Accept it. Be explicit. Say exactly what you did, with no pretty, vague words. Say you’re sorry. Repeat it. Say it again. Explain #2, in detail.
4. Repeat it again. (Yes, I realize that I am repeating the steps. That is the point. You must repeat it until it doesn’t need to be repeated.) Really, truly mean it. FYI: meaning it means that you have resolved NOT to do it again. Ever. Not only if it is convenient, if the stars and the planet and the moons and the green traffic lights align, and if you’re so inclined, and you hope said temptation will just go away, forever. If you’re sorry, wild dogs would have to be chasing you naked through a dark forest for you to fall in that same trap again. You’re only truly sorry if you never, ever want to do what you did again.
5. Offer reparations. Every child – and parent – knows that hugs and kisses and stroking of tear-stained cheeks are the most valuable compensation you can offer.
This is how not to apologize:
1. Shift the blame to the other person. Say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
2. Apologize with an agenda to serve yourself. Apologize to save face. Apologize to accrue the social benefits of the apology, without really assuming the responsibilities and the humbling that apologies require. See either of Chris Brown’s rote apologies.
3. Talk around the offense you committed. Call it “it”, “what I did”, but don’t be explicit about the harm you caused. See Chris Brown’s apologies. [Definitely do NOT say "I'm so sorry I punched and slapped and bit and beat my girlfriend until she was bruised and bleeding while threatenting to kill her". No, say, "I wish I could have handled the situation better." Because that's authentic.]
4. Get frustrated when your apology isn’t yielding the reaction you demand. Say “I TOLD you I’m SORRY.” Preferably as loudly as possible. See Chris Brown’s apology: “I TOLD Rihanna, over and over again, that I’m sorry.”
5. Keep apologizing for the same thing. Meaning: keep doing what you want, and use “I’m sorry” as your get-out-of-jail-free card.
6. Be insincere. Say you’re sorry with your words and “hahahahaha sucker” with your actions. See Chris Brown’s new $300,000 necklace, below. OOPS.
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this essay is part of The Sorry Series – How To Apologize, How NOT to Apologize, and the Power of Forgiveness:On Harm, Healing, Ceilings and How Absent Apologies are the Pits – The Sorry Series, #1
Guest Post by Josh Hanagarne: Three Lame Types Of Apologies – The Sorry Series, #3
The Forgiven, The Sorry Series #5
*not really part of the series but I do make a wildly necessary apology in it
So how do you really feel about Chris Brown? LOL
My 14-month-old daughter bites my shoulder from time to time, but when i tell her “no,” and she cries, I know that’s her apology. Either that or it’s insincere manipulation.
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You hit the nail right on the head, which, come to think of it, someone should do to Chris Brown. Soon. And often. Oh wait– it’s too late, isn’t it?
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This had to have been a staged event seeing as how both of them got exactly what they wanted from this, not to mention the record executives….
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Chris Brown has been in so much trouble with all that money. He cannot be that crazy since his handlers would reign him in. I think Coach read my essay.
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