Language is a curious, snooty, wobbly god. I worship. I am a wannabe priestess. Sometimes my faith fails me. Sometimes I read something, orgasmically agree, and then am overcome with shame. Like this:

Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodies representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college. – Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

[Besides a profound distaste for semicolons, this quote reveals that Kurt had some gender issues that needed to be unkinked.]

My name is Kelly Diels and I am a semicolon addict. This tells you that I attended university for approximately seven million (okay, seven) years. I am still recovering. From university, not the semicolons. Semicolons still own my ass and force me to write complex, poetic, emotional and debased lists in the form of torturously long but (barely) grammatically sound sentences. (See: everything I have ever written, except this post.)

Readers, I am sorry.